Tomorrow makes one year since I "woke up" as we call it. I had hoped to remember who I was by now... I have poured over the net to find cases and this still reads like a plot from a bad movie. All I see is most cases recover full memory but some do not. Am I in the area of the "do not's"?
So where has a year brought us? I accept that I am married to the love of my life and that I have 3 kids, with the forth to make her way into the world any day. I accept that I have a vast network of friends that I love as much as I do my family. I have accepted a lot... but I am still lost.
At least the days of "I don't know" are for the most part done. Now I don't get as many questions that I don't know the answer to, when they do come up I can either wing it really well or I am honest and say I have no idea. I no longer tell people of the amnesia since, let's face it a lot of people don't believe me or the nightmare I have faced in the last 12 months, and I got so very tired of the looks that I would receive.
Which brings me to the person I see in the mirror everyday. I think back and I have to shake my head since I am not the person I thought I would be (looking from 19 which I remember to 34 today). I wonder why I put up with all that I do and if I will fall into the same situation that caused me to lose myself to begin with. Don't get me wrong I love this life but I wonder ....
I guess today finds me in a strange place. I want to remember but then again, on the other hand, I don't really want to either. The reason for that is simple: One year ago I must have been in the most horrible place a person can be to have blocked it, I am not so sure that I want to go back there and bring it all out to the surface again. In this case is ignorance really bliss?
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Brain Drain Time.....
Hello, my old friend, it is time for a brain drain. So much has happened in just the last few weeks that I needs to get it all out. Yes this may become a novel, a rant, and just a let's feel sorry for Joni but hey....
Here is our list: Mother in laws that are going crazy and going to drive in me crazy, new babies, I am as big as a house, children, and here comes the one year anniversary since I woke up.
Let's start with about 2 weeks ago my mother in law shows up on a Sunday morning just sobbing, and all the talking/ hugging in the world that my husband did could not stop the crying. I get woke up and go check.... now let me pause here and explain a statement...."Crazy I get". I grew up in a house of 6 people 4 of which are bi-polar and one of which is obsessed hunting. I never knew between my mother or my siblings who would be cycling on what day. Plus we had the full extreme of it, one could be depressed and sobbing while another could be manic, bouncing and angry at the world .. so crazy I understand and can deal with really well. So after talking to Barbara for a while I knew it was just her crashing. We called her doctor and I got dressed to drive her over to see an urgent care doctor. Spent the whole day with her to cheer her and get her medicine right. She is on a anti-depressant. Now, fast forward a bit, she is feeling much better but she is driving me insane! I love her son, and could take or leave her daughter, neither of which seem to care about what is going on with the mother that gave them life. I talk to her 2, 3, sometimes 4 times a day, not to mention the days she just shows up at my house unexpectedly. Now do not get me wrong I love my mother in law and I will protect and take care of her but she is interrupting my daily routine and I have a lot on my plate right now. It would just be nice if her biological kids would help out every now and then.
Moving on: My sister in law and I got prego with in a couple months of each other. I was looking forward to getting big and fat with her and having our girls be close to the same age (even tho my sister in law is my drama llama). Well the unexpected, or maybe it was expected I am not sure, damn amnesia, happened Jessica's blood pressure shot up really high and they could not bring it down. Jessica had pre-eclampsia with Hellp syndrome. They had to do a c-section Sunday 10/07/12. Rylee was born at 2:26 pm weighing just one pound, seven ounces and being twelve inches long. So far my little niece is holding her own, we expect an extended hospital stay but hope to bring her home by or shortly after Christmas. My heart breaks for them. I am trying to be supportive as I can but it is hard considering how very far along in my pregnancy I am. Added to the fact that she posted something this morning which has me wondering what more I can do. I will no apologize for the fact that despite my issues my baby will be healthy and come home with me. I do not and would not ever rub that in her face. I am considerate of her, and I ask about HER as well as Rylee. I was at the hospital with HER and not just for my niece. I have yet to even see my niece since mean as this reads I can't bring myself to go to NICU, not when Rylee is so tiny and all tubed up. Not when Juliet is so close to being in my arms..... I am at a loss.
Speaking of my condition... I am as big as a HOUSE! Well, at least a small house *smile*. I am almost 35 weeks and at 130 pounds. This says a lot for me considering 8 months ago I only weighed 99 pounds soaking wet.Our last guess by ultrasound (over 2 weeks ago) was that my little Juliet was well over 4 pounds. We have done the steroid shots for Juliet's lungs so we are good to go any day that she is ready to come. I got my bag packed for the most part and now it is a waiting game on her. I will tell you I am so miserable, the whole tired, have to pee all the time again, can't get comfy enough to sleep any more blah blah blah. Plus now I am having to cross dress (go head and laugh) but the only shirts that fit over my belly now are Jay's so. Come on God and Juliet, we are ready. Jami is finally excited too! Which makes me happy. On a sad note here if Juliet come with in the next couple weeks my sister of the heart will not be about to be with me, that does make me sad. Her husband has recently had back surgery so she will be unable to leave him. Also, really, I know I have done this 3 time before but I am some what terrified that this will be a long, drawn out just horrible experience for me, the birth that is. I just have these horrible visions of being stuck to a bed for hours and hours. *sigh* Jay tells me it will not be bad so I guess I will have to trust him on this.
I can now understand after the last year how my children could drive anyone insane. Now do not read that wrong I love my kids but being home 24-7 with them is a job all in itself. The saving grace right now is that Jami does watch the boys when I need to go out for an apt. or shopping or what ever. I love my kids and can't wait till Juliet is with us but some days it is just a good idea to sit and cry. I am not unhappy or anything just this is a lot on anyone.
Moving on, now in 2 weeks it will make it one year since I have woke up. None of my memories have returned. On the one hand that upsets me some days, on the other while I don't have any of the good memories I also do not have any of the bad ones, like when my brother lost his first son or when Jess and Jami feel in the pool. So do you call this a blessing or a curse now? I get fragments now and then, brief flashes that if they are strong enough I have to ask for exploitation of.... but for the most part the years from 97 to October 25th 2011 are just a blank. I will be honest, it is not as upsetting as it was at first. I personally have come to a peace about it. There are days it still makes me mad/sad but I have accepted that this is the life I now lead. I still get questions that I have to go "I don't remember" to but those are becoming fewer and further apart now.
This is where we are kido's ....I will be working on an Alice blog soon since I miss blogging but with my life being so crazy right now I am doing good to have gotten this post done. Ok so hopefully my next post will be full of happy new baby things! Till next time...
Here is our list: Mother in laws that are going crazy and going to drive in me crazy, new babies, I am as big as a house, children, and here comes the one year anniversary since I woke up.
Let's start with about 2 weeks ago my mother in law shows up on a Sunday morning just sobbing, and all the talking/ hugging in the world that my husband did could not stop the crying. I get woke up and go check.... now let me pause here and explain a statement...."Crazy I get". I grew up in a house of 6 people 4 of which are bi-polar and one of which is obsessed hunting. I never knew between my mother or my siblings who would be cycling on what day. Plus we had the full extreme of it, one could be depressed and sobbing while another could be manic, bouncing and angry at the world .. so crazy I understand and can deal with really well. So after talking to Barbara for a while I knew it was just her crashing. We called her doctor and I got dressed to drive her over to see an urgent care doctor. Spent the whole day with her to cheer her and get her medicine right. She is on a anti-depressant. Now, fast forward a bit, she is feeling much better but she is driving me insane! I love her son, and could take or leave her daughter, neither of which seem to care about what is going on with the mother that gave them life. I talk to her 2, 3, sometimes 4 times a day, not to mention the days she just shows up at my house unexpectedly. Now do not get me wrong I love my mother in law and I will protect and take care of her but she is interrupting my daily routine and I have a lot on my plate right now. It would just be nice if her biological kids would help out every now and then.
Moving on: My sister in law and I got prego with in a couple months of each other. I was looking forward to getting big and fat with her and having our girls be close to the same age (even tho my sister in law is my drama llama). Well the unexpected, or maybe it was expected I am not sure, damn amnesia, happened Jessica's blood pressure shot up really high and they could not bring it down. Jessica had pre-eclampsia with Hellp syndrome. They had to do a c-section Sunday 10/07/12. Rylee was born at 2:26 pm weighing just one pound, seven ounces and being twelve inches long. So far my little niece is holding her own, we expect an extended hospital stay but hope to bring her home by or shortly after Christmas. My heart breaks for them. I am trying to be supportive as I can but it is hard considering how very far along in my pregnancy I am. Added to the fact that she posted something this morning which has me wondering what more I can do. I will no apologize for the fact that despite my issues my baby will be healthy and come home with me. I do not and would not ever rub that in her face. I am considerate of her, and I ask about HER as well as Rylee. I was at the hospital with HER and not just for my niece. I have yet to even see my niece since mean as this reads I can't bring myself to go to NICU, not when Rylee is so tiny and all tubed up. Not when Juliet is so close to being in my arms..... I am at a loss.
Speaking of my condition... I am as big as a HOUSE! Well, at least a small house *smile*. I am almost 35 weeks and at 130 pounds. This says a lot for me considering 8 months ago I only weighed 99 pounds soaking wet.Our last guess by ultrasound (over 2 weeks ago) was that my little Juliet was well over 4 pounds. We have done the steroid shots for Juliet's lungs so we are good to go any day that she is ready to come. I got my bag packed for the most part and now it is a waiting game on her. I will tell you I am so miserable, the whole tired, have to pee all the time again, can't get comfy enough to sleep any more blah blah blah. Plus now I am having to cross dress (go head and laugh) but the only shirts that fit over my belly now are Jay's so. Come on God and Juliet, we are ready. Jami is finally excited too! Which makes me happy. On a sad note here if Juliet come with in the next couple weeks my sister of the heart will not be about to be with me, that does make me sad. Her husband has recently had back surgery so she will be unable to leave him. Also, really, I know I have done this 3 time before but I am some what terrified that this will be a long, drawn out just horrible experience for me, the birth that is. I just have these horrible visions of being stuck to a bed for hours and hours. *sigh* Jay tells me it will not be bad so I guess I will have to trust him on this.
I can now understand after the last year how my children could drive anyone insane. Now do not read that wrong I love my kids but being home 24-7 with them is a job all in itself. The saving grace right now is that Jami does watch the boys when I need to go out for an apt. or shopping or what ever. I love my kids and can't wait till Juliet is with us but some days it is just a good idea to sit and cry. I am not unhappy or anything just this is a lot on anyone.
Moving on, now in 2 weeks it will make it one year since I have woke up. None of my memories have returned. On the one hand that upsets me some days, on the other while I don't have any of the good memories I also do not have any of the bad ones, like when my brother lost his first son or when Jess and Jami feel in the pool. So do you call this a blessing or a curse now? I get fragments now and then, brief flashes that if they are strong enough I have to ask for exploitation of.... but for the most part the years from 97 to October 25th 2011 are just a blank. I will be honest, it is not as upsetting as it was at first. I personally have come to a peace about it. There are days it still makes me mad/sad but I have accepted that this is the life I now lead. I still get questions that I have to go "I don't remember" to but those are becoming fewer and further apart now.
This is where we are kido's ....I will be working on an Alice blog soon since I miss blogging but with my life being so crazy right now I am doing good to have gotten this post done. Ok so hopefully my next post will be full of happy new baby things! Till next time...
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