Damn it I'm in that place once again!

I find myself in that horrible, disillusioned place once again. I hate my bedroom, since it is a living/den/bedroom all in one..... 
 I have a window sill that we made into a shelf for my tv, needless to say this did not work out so well, so the shelf became the Ninja kitty's favorite bed. Jay decided 3 days ago to move his stuff to the shelf along with my jewelry box and what not else. I warned him at the time that the Ninja kitty would knock it down but I know nothing .... 
 I soon got busy and honestly forgot about my box being on it until this morning and true to form the Ninja kitty jumped up there and my box went flying... I am still digging rings and tie tacks out from under my bed. I decided to clean the shelf back off and move our stuff to the bookshelf that lives by my bed that did nothing more than collect dust. In the process of cleaning and rearranging I find that I am in that place once again. 
 The damn it all to hell place where I don't know what I should put where or how. I want to spring clean our clothes but I have no idea what I will wear in the winter come the end of summer this year. I have no idea what falls to Jay's favorites and so forth. I am frustrated and tired. I am hating this room with a worse passion than I have felt since waking up. 
 I will admit something else here since I can. I hate the way Jay speaks to me on what ever I do. Nothing is ever "good enough" it is always, always, Always!, "well that is good but now do this or that or whatever". Take for example, the kids and I cleaned out the pool for them yesterday. Took 4 hours in the heat, we got it 98% done, I was not and am not worried about the last little bit since kids feet, bleach, and the filter will deal with it. I told the kids I was proud of them and good job! Jay comes in and goes "Good now get "this" brush re-scrub the bottom and add bleach". I could have beaten him black and blue. Within the last 2 weeks I have stopped asking him at all what he thinks about anything. I find that he can't do constructive criticism and I can't deal with his comments. That really sucks since he is the one I would expect the most support from. I have found there is no " WOW" factor any more for him. Nothing I do is surprising or good enough, I have not stopped trying yet, for when I do what I do, it is done for MY satisfaction but I did stop to wonder... Is this (his reaction) what lead me to stop trying before I woke up? Was he a major player in the role I had taken on to just go day to day and be mundane? 
 I find that I am not having a great week this week with my FM. I expected all my activity to catch up to me and it did. I am tired since I have woke every night for the last several between 2 and 3am... I hurt from bottom to top, not bad, not a screaming I can't deal pain but a deep dull ache, my everything aches. I want to cry so I guess I am hormonal it is about time again.... 
 Just Damn It All! I'm in that place once again and I hate it. I have no idea how to change it or make it better *sigh* today is just an icky day. 

Still Busy, Puppies soon, and Cancer..

   Wow, crazy here let's loop ourselves back in. Tammie had surgery Monday and came out fine! She came home yesterday and it okay. I spent Monday doing running with the hospital and things. Got home Monday afternoon to find the dumb dog of my daughter's ready to have her babies, thank go that was a false labor but it did get my butt in gear to get the things ready for them... So off to the store I go to get what I need... I called home to ask Jay a question got hung up on he was way cranky... got home to find Jay and the mother in law in the yard.
 Jay's family and my family are close to say the least.... My father grew up with Jay's mother and brother... I grew up calling them aunt and uncle. Well, Jay uncle had a spot on his lung they found 4 months ago. Had it checked (4 months later! this was last Friday). At the time they found it they told him it was MILD COPD, and to quit smoking... they did the test thingy and lung ct Friday, got the results Monday. I knew all this, I was expecting something non-fatal, I mean come on ONE spot?!?! how could it be that bad? My mother in law was in tears, and I still tune up when I think of the results, the doctor has given him 6 months (best case) to live, the lung that had the one spot 4 months ago is completely eaten up with cancer. He is younger than my father and I used to spend every weekend during hunting season with him... 6 months?!?! On top of nothing can be done. They will do the radiation but that is just to kill what is there, and he was told to get his affairs in order. I am not sure at this point I have my brain around it. Of course the first thing I did was call my brother to tell him that I love him and just so he could cheer me up some.. oh and to tell him to get in touch with Daddy because I knew our Father would need him.
 Uncle Jeff was told to stop working and so on so forth, he refuses. His exact words were "the doctors don't know shit" well, OK then.... I say if he really does only have a few months left then let him be happy. Damn the cost to our own peace of mind, if working does it, if being on the volunteer fire-dept. does it then so be it! I want to go see him and hug him but right now he is in denial and until he accepts this for what it is I can't go to him, and that I guess is ok too..... I will do as I have been doing and just pray. 
 So over the last weekend we renovated the kitchen and since it has been so hectic we are still in the process of putting it back together.. fun, fun, fun. 
 Plus this last week I have not gotten much sleep, between the dumb fat prego dog, and Jesse having night terrors I am wiped. I don't know what do to for Jesse. I know that as a child around his age I had nightmares too that were horrible, but I had way more awful images in my head than he does and I shared a bed with my big sister so I was never alone!.... I will have to work on something tho, I hate the thought of him being alone and scared even if I am only a couple rooms away. Maybe a touch lamp or something, I don't know but ... OH! and Jay is so bad at this stuff! He yelled at my son last night! I could have freaking killed Jay. I swear Jay does not remember what it was like to be a little guy and be scared. He acts like his father, who was a very loving man but not compassionate at all. I know it is hard to go over and over the same ground with a 9 year old, I know it is not easy to repeat yourself since, I mean, Hey come on you are the adult tell you once and you got it but, give up he is a little boy. So I spent half the night with Jess then came to bed and did not say a word to Jay and I have not talked to him today either I am still mad at him. MEN!!
 I think that rounds out this last week more to come I am sure... but this is my brain drain for the week. I will leave you with AWOLNATION "Kill Your Heros"... 

To Busy To Think...

The last few days have been full of stress, worry, and a hectic schedule! I have gotten the stress and worry under control and today I have the hope of not doing to much. 
 We got our income tax back so I got the bills paid and bought the kids what they wanted. I got a e-reader/tablet for me but I am not sure I am happy with it so it may go back. I got Jay a new GPS thingy (that bit of technology still amazes me, Jay assures me that it is MINE and he will just get to use it, I guess it is nice to never have to worry about getting lost again.) and a new desktop tower which he needed. I am thrilled with that too since it is mega fast and has lots of memory!
 Jesse got his first case of Athlete's Foot and I love Jesse to death but he is such a wussy. For 2 days every time I wanted to run do what ever he just cried, but let Jay get home and he was all better.... maybe it should not have but it really pissed me off. We went Tuesday night and got Jami her guitar, Jay's and my stuff but Jess was in to much agony to get his and Jonah's things. So last night I ran back to Tallahassee, after going to 2 different stores I got the boys what they wanted. All I have left is new clothes for them and we are set but they hate shopping so maybe Friday afternoon I will be able to go shopping. I did manage to grab "Plants Vs Zombies" for the PS3 for me and of course Jonah has taken that over, that is ok :)
 So it is raining here and dreary and I am cranky. I wanted to take a little money and spend a night/day away but that caused a fight not worth it. I even found a babysitter for the whole night but Jay refuses to go away with me and since he does not want me going alone .... I am screwed I guess.
 Okay, today is for doing as little as possible, for zoning, and relaxing. Next week is looking somewhat crazy, Tammie has to have surgery on Monday for several things and will be in the hospital till Wednesday or Thursday. Dad has a doctor's apt at 9 Monday morning then he is coming to keep my kids so that I can go to the hospital and be there with Mom. Fun, Fun, Fun. 
 Life is not so bad this week...Smile everyone, because the fun has just gotten started!

I am not one of our children and here we go again...

We arrive at that point again... with Jay and I, with the kids with it all.
 Since about a month after I woke up I noticed that Jay talks to me as he does the children. I HATE THAT! I handle a ton on daily basis and make split second decisions often. I am confident that I can handle everything but life and death situations which makes me even more angry that he speaks to me the way he does. What is worse I have no idea how to deal with it. I have ask him, pointed it out, even yelled at him about it and NOTHING...
I have no idea what to do with this situation.  So I fall back on ignoring it when possible and yelling when all else fails. 
 I have a new ... not problem but interesting situation my 9 year old is having night terrors. This just started and is very out of charter for him. We have tried all I can think of to do with and for him. Praying, staying with him, letting him sleep on the couch so on and so forth. Nothing seems to be working. Today I went out and got him a touch light for the "no see-em's" . This is a light that comes on or goes off with a touch. I am hoping this will work.
 Last night was not stellar at best. I got to sleep but could not stay asleep. Lots of tossing and turning. Then lots of up and downs. Got up early, made it to the bank and the store. I am still somewhat scared of triggering another migraine so  I am being careful. 
 Today holds not to much, rest, and regrouping from a what the hell week.. and hiding from the kids as much as I can. 
Happy Saturday everyone.

ACHOO! and Ewww, Ewww and sorry but EWWWWW!

So it is official I have the kids cold. Not sure if you can get the flu twice in a year but I am hoping that you can't.
I am so ill. I hate the fact I am not a good sick person, and it seems if the kids get it then so do I the minute I get them well. Just Nasty! When I feel the worse, is when I need the most love, so not going to happen in my house. Don't pity me, but I am so wimpy tonight.
 So the not so great side, or the great side of amnesia .... pick your own here... I met my niece's father last night, drew a total blank on that one. Just another stranger in a long list of stranger to me. I guess I did not miss much there and I am not going to miss much. That is the first Ewww, Ok.. and "who the hell are you?" topped with a "Jay someone is here, and big lanky man, get your ass out here!" and I left him with Jay pretty much. 
 Also, this is somewhat sad but I lost a nephew 1-11-06 ... will be 6 years ago next month. I am all for grieving but I am the type of person I will not air it for all to see. My sister-in-law must not be this way. She has posted pictures of this dead baby.. EWWWWWWWW! sorry but EWWWWWW! No that is just wrong. I will not tell her to not grieve or snap out of it or what ever but I so am not going to see those kinds of things. Thank God Facebook has an unsubscribe button so that she does not show up on my time line. If she post to much on my page I will have to toss her off my friends list. That is so not to be mean but hey.. that is just gross to me sorry but *shrugs* that is how I feel. I may have to call E up soon and talk to him. I understand the pain and grieving and how you think of the ones that you lost, I get it since I lost my first to a miscarriage on 12/1/97. I still think of that baby every year! That one would be 14 this year it is like I have lost a small part of my heart. So, yeah I get it, but I don't dwell on it. Damn what is the point? I have 3 kids that are healthy, beautiful, smart and the loves of my life.... I can't replace the one I lost but there is no point in hanging on the the what will never be's. That is just sad, and makes me pity her all the more. I think part of maturity is being able to move on, if not let go, accept and find peace without dragging everyone around you down in the process. But, hey that's me and I could be wrong, either way I will not have that on my page nor allow my daughter to see that. I have unfriended her on Jami's page.. I am waiting for the smart ass comment about that but *shrugs* I will do what I feel I must to protect my child even if that means hurting your feelings. That also implies that I don't care who you are to her, father, grandmother, grandfather, uncle, aunt... it matters not one iota to me. My family tells me I am scary when I am angry with others over them.. I can so totally see that.
 So tonight finds me with cold meds in my system, kicking around a new Alice blog post and just meh, to coin a phrase from a beloved sister of the heart. I am trying to remember to drink lots of fluid and rest. I hope the morning sun does not come up soon I so need the rest *smile*.

The Day After...

It is the day after Christmas, let's see where we are.
 UGH! all 3 kids are sick with colds, and they shared! ugh ugh ugh! The lasagna went off with out a hitch, it was perfect. The kids loved their gifts, Jay was happy with his presents, and I was happy with mine. Jesse also had his very first sleep over and they did an "awake-a-thon" in which my niece A kicked his butt by almost 3 am,  *laughs softly* I remember those days. Hide and Seek with Angel at midnight, when they were too scared to go outside but I was raised with the Hunting Freak and had no hang-ups about being outside in the dark at all.... I think that was a life-time ago now.
 Let's see Jay and I had words Christmas eve over the dogs, and we have a new agreement, plus Jami has a new set of rules for them. None of our pets are inside except the ones that stay in tanks, the dogs, and the ninja kitty. So, yeah OKAY I get it, she needs better control of her dogs, and she has one month to get it into shape, with my help she will make it. Jay can threaten all he likes, personally I don't think I would miss the dogs to much but they are Jami's joy so, I can't allow him to upset my kid like that. Long as he NEVER threatens the Ninja Kitty we are all good. Well, I say that, the weird thing is that Jami's cat "Princess" had decided that she wants to be mine now too. I never saw myself as a "cat-person" but I guess this is cool. All in, except the fact that, Princess and Benny are NOTHING LIKE! Princess is more vocal and wants to be on your lap to be loved on (only with me, everyone else she runs from). Benny just wants to be by you but not touched by you unless he comes to your hand, and if you touch him he is likely to attack what ever you touched him with, funny as hell when it is Jay or the kids getting attacked. Like they don't know the rules, which they do, they just ignore them... Funny! We do have another cat, a big FAT orange fluffy thing Jesse calls "Garfield". He is the definition of an ally cat. He comes home only to eat and hangs out then leaves again, sometimes for weeks at the time. That one is all Jesse's.  So Jay can threaten the dogs, hell the fish too for all I care but the cats are not to be touched! Putting my little foot down here with a "try me" dare tossed over my shoulder.
 Yesterday was spent with the loving Mother in law.... and for me it was weird. She went out of her way and stepped on my toes on more than one occasion, and kept repeating things that were just depressing. I ask Jay if she was searching for a reaction and was unhappy with mine... His answer was that if I had remembered I would be more compassionate. While this may be true it does not change the fact that I don't remember and therefore don't care, the truth can suck at times but it is all I have left to deal with. On that front, with her at least, I am giving all I can, plus sorry but I don't care to give more even if I could.
 I have finally gotten to the place that I am not upset when I get ask things I don't remember... except if you ask me more than one time on different things. Like, for instance, I have the most precious black boots, they are freaking darling! When ask where do you got them I always answer "well, I can tell you I have had them more than 2 months ." Then I laugh, it is humorous now to me, but when I told her that she then decided to bring out pictures ummmm if I don't remember where I got the boots I will not remember anything recent...is it that hard to get? Time, people, places, events are all GONE! I am not sure if they will ever come back. A month ago that would have really upset me but now it is just ... how it is. So she goes:  "This person goes to your church"... "Great Barbara, since I don't know who goes to my church"......."Where did you get your glasses I think they need to be adjusted so they don't slip down  your nose".... *deep breath* "I don't know where they came from Barbara ask your son" and so forth. Talk about pushing my buttons.
 OH, and I personally think my sister in law (Jay's sister) is a snob. From what I gather he and she got into a disagreement and this was the first time they talked in over 6 months.. WTH!?!?! maybe that works for them but there is no way under the stars I would be that nice to my siblings. Of course I could not go 6 months and not talk to one of my siblings. I am the ring leader whether or not any one likes it. They might get 6 weeks out of me then I would call or show up and settle it. I just don't get it with those 2. The really baffling part is that there are only 2 of them... Just for me it is a WOW! really?!?! I guess it can be somewhat, loosely, explained by the fact that my family adopted Jay and now he has me and 3 siblings to call his. I don't know how Jackie is with her husbands family. So to say the least that was an interesting experience. 
 I have also found that this is my place to make it all about me with zero guilt. That is good in the fact that there is NO WHERE else that it is all about me. I guess my old way was to turn it back to all about who ever it needed to be about and not me but... I have found the hard way that sometimes, damnit, it needs to be all about me. This is the place that it can be all about me and that is a good thing.
 So we are done with Christmas and I think I am ready for the new year with all its ups and down.