Yeah, yeah, I'm in that place once again. The place where nothing is right and if it can go wrong it already has more than likely.
Where do we start: No bedroom, Jami's lack of attention span, MIL, sick, to much to do in to little time....
I know I have bitched repeatedly that I do not have a bed room and it is true I don't. What we have is a living room that my bed is in. In one way it is nice we all can hang out and watch tv together or play the computer games, whatever. On the other hand it fucking sucks! I have no privacy and that is just not right. I know, I know I am bitching again and nothing will change.... but sometimes you just have to bitch.
I am sick, as I mentioned in an earlier blog post. I have a cold that is kicking my butt. I am tired sorry but that comes with having a cold I think partly and I don't know if any one has had the balls to mention before but I'm Pregnant and making a baby is HARD WORK! I am waking at odd hours between the baby and the cold. I get tired in the afternoons and I don't think it is asking to much to be allowed to take a nap if I need one.... Now can some one tell me why NO ONE in my known little universe will let me freaking sleep? And not it is NOT the kids in the house it is the phone, or people showing up or whatever. Lord don't let me have enough and turn the phone off then all hell does break loose ....(more on that in a minute).
Yesterday the MIL comes over, unannounced which always annoys me but I over look it for the most part, to show me her new smart phone. *Rolls eyes* I don't know why she needs a smart phone but her daughter did it for her so ok is all I will say. So after she shows off her new toy she starts in on Jami Lynn... *deep breathe here* I looked at Jami and she gave me the "Mom don't freak out on us look" so I did not say anything in front of Barbara but I was LIVID.
Let me back up a bit, I was very active in my church before I woke up in October, I keep meaning to go back but every time I try something comes us, that is life and it will work out. But if I don't go then the kids don't either and that is not an issue with me. Apparently Jami was slightly fussing because she did not have any "real life friends" since she is home schooled and we don't go to church. I will admit that this is true but then again she goes over board because she is 13 it is NOT the end of the world but she is a teenager so ... enough said. Well the loving mother in law ask yesterday if my Grandmother goes to my church and indeed she does but my granny is OLD and I don't send my kids with her for several reasons that I will not get into here, we will leave it at family drama. But Barbara decided to tell Jami that she needed to get her little butt up and be at church with my Grandmother Sunday and find a friend or a little boy to befriend...... I saw red I swear, Jami ask me not to say a thing so I did not but EEEEERRR! Sometimes I wish my parents had not raised me to have such respect for my elders, I want to tell her off but she is Jay's mother and I just can't.
So, today when she called I was trying to sleep because I feel like curd, I ignored it and turn it plus my cell phone off. I need to rest. Before hand I had fielded calls from Jay asking me to look up an address for him, that bothers me too since I am not his office girl... let her freaking do it.... I am ill. So anyway, Jay gets in and the first thing out of his mouth is "Woman is your phone broken"... O.o "No the ringer is off since I just can't deal with your mother today." I have no voice by the way I sound like a little frog so talking is not big on my list today. "She was calling to apologize for stepping on your toes yesterday." Big freaking deal! Still don't want to talk to her. Honestly she should have just hushed to begin with. *Shurgs*
I am tired of going over and over things with Jami but her attention span or lack there of I have about decided comes from her Father's side of the family since I have been told he was the same way as a teenager. Still would be nice if she could do 3 thing in a row without me having to repeat what I ask her to do. *sigh, cough*
I have 2 doctor apt.'s tomorrow. The first is for the baby and I am looking forward to hearing the little one's heart beat really! The second is the dentist, not looking forward to that but I will suck it up because I really do want a pretty smile. I just feel overloaded for the moment, probably because I am still tired and sick.
So that is the ranting novel.. tomorrow will be better I am hoping.
Showing posts with label angry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label angry. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Annoyed Sunday
The best laid plans of mice and men... is it me or do they always fall to the way side with such easy?
Ok so we had a plan, or at least I did, Jay got the paint I needed but not the color I wanted for the kitchen. "WE" were supposed to sand and paint the kitchen..... that did not happen, what did happen was I sanded and painted the kitchen alone. Our ceilings are way over head it would have been nice to have some help on the HIGH parts since, HELLO I am not even 5 ft tall!.... Instead he decided to go out back and dig a big arse hole... I ended up climbing a ladder and on top of the counter top space to get every spot done. That I think I could and would have dealt with fine but in our yard you have about 18 inches of top soil then you hit sticky, thick, hard, just freaking nasty red clay. This is bullet proof dirt I swear! It sticks to everything! Leave it to the testosterone heavy men and boys that live with me to track in through the whole house! I am fuming.... I just finished white, white, white BLARING White walls in my kitchen... I am now wondering how long it will be before I get a nice little dirt hand print on it.
So, I am cranky with Jay and with myself. On a personal note it makes no sense to me why I am so sore and wiped out. I am not out of shape and it is not that hard to paint, but I swear I am so tired at this point I am trembling. I am done with as much as I can do for this day and it pisses me of since I am not done with all I wanted to get done... I am angry because I know tomorrow will be a nightmare with pain and aches. I am angry that it did not have to be this way, I should never have had to do this alone but this is the way it is. I have found that it is easier to do it myself and deal with the personal fall out, than to pick a big fight and have help that resents the hell out of me. I am angry that I am falling into an old habit of putting on a "game face" and not showing how I really feel. I will admit it is easier to smile and nod in all the right places, much easier, than to expose all that is really here on how I feel. I am angry that the memories I lost have not come back, and that I still get hit with lows even after 4 months. I am angry that I can't sleep at night and end up walking the floors no matter how tired I am, or if I do get to sleep I never feel rested I wake just as tired as when I lay my head down. Damn, I am just angry today...
I had better drag myself to a shower and lay down for a bit before I fall down.
Ok so we had a plan, or at least I did, Jay got the paint I needed but not the color I wanted for the kitchen. "WE" were supposed to sand and paint the kitchen..... that did not happen, what did happen was I sanded and painted the kitchen alone. Our ceilings are way over head it would have been nice to have some help on the HIGH parts since, HELLO I am not even 5 ft tall!.... Instead he decided to go out back and dig a big arse hole... I ended up climbing a ladder and on top of the counter top space to get every spot done. That I think I could and would have dealt with fine but in our yard you have about 18 inches of top soil then you hit sticky, thick, hard, just freaking nasty red clay. This is bullet proof dirt I swear! It sticks to everything! Leave it to the testosterone heavy men and boys that live with me to track in through the whole house! I am fuming.... I just finished white, white, white BLARING White walls in my kitchen... I am now wondering how long it will be before I get a nice little dirt hand print on it.
So, I am cranky with Jay and with myself. On a personal note it makes no sense to me why I am so sore and wiped out. I am not out of shape and it is not that hard to paint, but I swear I am so tired at this point I am trembling. I am done with as much as I can do for this day and it pisses me of since I am not done with all I wanted to get done... I am angry because I know tomorrow will be a nightmare with pain and aches. I am angry that it did not have to be this way, I should never have had to do this alone but this is the way it is. I have found that it is easier to do it myself and deal with the personal fall out, than to pick a big fight and have help that resents the hell out of me. I am angry that I am falling into an old habit of putting on a "game face" and not showing how I really feel. I will admit it is easier to smile and nod in all the right places, much easier, than to expose all that is really here on how I feel. I am angry that the memories I lost have not come back, and that I still get hit with lows even after 4 months. I am angry that I can't sleep at night and end up walking the floors no matter how tired I am, or if I do get to sleep I never feel rested I wake just as tired as when I lay my head down. Damn, I am just angry today...
I had better drag myself to a shower and lay down for a bit before I fall down.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
In Between
Wednesday finds me caught up in between. I am in between alot of things today. I have been plagued by cramps in my feet and calves since 2 yesterday afternoon through the night, which is just weird since I never get muscle cramps like this. Add to that a fever that is just a little over normal. Think my body is reminding me that a break is needed.
I am in between needing to go to the store to knock out the rest of the shopping and the not want to go because I have run so much in the last week. I am in between house work, the never ending chores.
I am between feelings, and that in and of itself is strange. I was angry last night with justification but today finds me more melancholy. I think I am trying to hard and I am killing myself to be something I am not. I am not who I was and I don't know at this point exactly who I am.
I am sad and angry, or somewhere in between. I am in between tired and don't give a rat's ass. (I know not the best mental picture but fitting for my mood today.) I am in between scared and focused, not a good place for me to be. I hate being scared and have been that WAY to much over the last 2 months. I would rather be focused but today it seems everything is just blurry. I want to scream it all out but find myself just breathing and walking away.
I woke to expectations of what I did and what they want me to do. That makes me angry since (A.) I did to much for everyone else, and yeah that sound selfish, I accept that but, I never did stop to think of ME or put me first and no one else did either. (B.) I should not be the fall to when they are adults and can fix it themselves damn it. (C.) After yesterday I got a really good dose of reality on how they act when I have been the stable one and I will not put myself through that again....'course I say that here but I know in my heart I will try every single time, the only thing I will for sure change is the way they talk to me, the about of BS I will put up with about me has become zero. (I can criticize myself way better than them and it is my opinion I have to be happy with at the end of the day.)
I worry that I have become callous. I will spit out what ever it is that needs to be said, I try to couch my words when needed but in all honesty,... I deal with "adults" and the fact that I must say anything at all is fucked up. I gathered that before October I was the easy going nice never let you know you are the reason your a fucked up person but now........I am not her, *sigh*. I tried to be who I was and just go with it but I can't and I am exhausted living up to other's expectations. I am still trying to nail down my own. I feel like I am whining a lot but since I only do it here and never out loud so be it. Only a select few read my words and they accept me for who I am even when I don't know who I am. I am in between the lies that I have told to myself, and the promises I have made to everyone else.
I almost want to apologize, which makes little sense to me since I can only do as I have been and that is the best I can. I am still winging it and that bothers me. I had hoped that by now I would be more centered and indeed I have come a LONG way, but I still see more of this road to travel. I have to wonder what was normal? and will it ever get back to a normal for me, or will I stay caught up in between?
I am in between needing to go to the store to knock out the rest of the shopping and the not want to go because I have run so much in the last week. I am in between house work, the never ending chores.
I am between feelings, and that in and of itself is strange. I was angry last night with justification but today finds me more melancholy. I think I am trying to hard and I am killing myself to be something I am not. I am not who I was and I don't know at this point exactly who I am.
I am sad and angry, or somewhere in between. I am in between tired and don't give a rat's ass. (I know not the best mental picture but fitting for my mood today.) I am in between scared and focused, not a good place for me to be. I hate being scared and have been that WAY to much over the last 2 months. I would rather be focused but today it seems everything is just blurry. I want to scream it all out but find myself just breathing and walking away.
I woke to expectations of what I did and what they want me to do. That makes me angry since (A.) I did to much for everyone else, and yeah that sound selfish, I accept that but, I never did stop to think of ME or put me first and no one else did either. (B.) I should not be the fall to when they are adults and can fix it themselves damn it. (C.) After yesterday I got a really good dose of reality on how they act when I have been the stable one and I will not put myself through that again....'course I say that here but I know in my heart I will try every single time, the only thing I will for sure change is the way they talk to me, the about of BS I will put up with about me has become zero. (I can criticize myself way better than them and it is my opinion I have to be happy with at the end of the day.)
I worry that I have become callous. I will spit out what ever it is that needs to be said, I try to couch my words when needed but in all honesty,... I deal with "adults" and the fact that I must say anything at all is fucked up. I gathered that before October I was the easy going nice never let you know you are the reason your a fucked up person but now........I am not her, *sigh*. I tried to be who I was and just go with it but I can't and I am exhausted living up to other's expectations. I am still trying to nail down my own. I feel like I am whining a lot but since I only do it here and never out loud so be it. Only a select few read my words and they accept me for who I am even when I don't know who I am. I am in between the lies that I have told to myself, and the promises I have made to everyone else.
I almost want to apologize, which makes little sense to me since I can only do as I have been and that is the best I can. I am still winging it and that bothers me. I had hoped that by now I would be more centered and indeed I have come a LONG way, but I still see more of this road to travel. I have to wonder what was normal? and will it ever get back to a normal for me, or will I stay caught up in between?
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Lead but..., Follow but..., Or... (angry blog)
Ok so it is Tuesday lets get the first biggest thing out of the way. My mother is home thank god! I am done with the back and froth to the hospital, my feet hurt, I am exhausted but thrilled that she is home and normal. I will take a day or so to relax and catch up, but I am oh so happy she is home for Christmas!
Next my topic for today: Lead, but lead with competentce, Follow, but follow silently, or.. please, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY.
Simple right? Straight English, not hard to comprehend. I could handle these instructions and have on more than one occasion. So let's take it apart and see what lands where by the end of this post:
(1.) Lead but lead with competence.... You call me to deal with what ever it is that you can't deal with, that means to me that you can't do the leading but you think that I can... Okay I can deal with that. I have the ability to lead even if I don't always want to. I have the confidence within myself to show you how to do it and what to do and where to turn to get it done. I have the humility to ask if I am unsure and I will do my homework. I promise, as always to listen to what you have to say and to not yell if I think you are wrong. I will entertain anything you have to say and be as fair as I know how to be. You know all this since you called me, so that brings us to:
(2.) Follow, but follow silently. Yeah I get it not the easiest one to do. It is hard when your toes are getting stepped on to shut the heaven up. I would have problems with that but I would still breathe and not yell. I hate it when someone feels they must be the martyr in any situation and I hate it when I feel I must tell you to "get off the cross" and get on your feet. I hate that I am put in the position to have to correct you in something you should know better about. I hate when I am called to lead and then you want to fuss at how I do it even when I am getting the results that I need to get. So do us all a favor, just follow silently or
(3.) GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY. Do not pass go do not collect 200 dollars, do not speak, just get out of my way. I don't mean to seem harsh, I am oh so sorry if it is so cruel to you but really get out of the way, please. If it could have been done better by someone else then you should have called them. As it is or was I did the best I could, you have no dog in this fight and I think I see "EXIT" on the stage to your left. Especially, when the situation you called me to handle is over and done with all working out fine in the end.
I have done a lot of thinking in the last couple months, and I have done a lot of changes as well. I will not sugar coat it and say it was all so sweet or nice. Nor will I sit here and type that I am all done and we are all peachy keen. The truth is I am just getting started and before I am done I will see the fall of Rome, then we will rebuild it much better than it was before. I have run into some really interesting obstacles. In the process of working through them, going around them, or over them I have learned things about myself that I hate, and things about others that I hate. I have learned things about myself and others that I love. I have heard opinions that are better being blown up someone else ass and opinions that are awesome.
I find myself so angry today at a few things. I am more than tired I am exhausted, not so much physically but emotionally and mentally. I found that I juggle well but the pay to be the court jester really sucks. I have found that I am a criticizer but always with love and never in a mean way, (I only critize when I am ask to I never volunteer), and others are the same but not in the nice way, and I never ASK for that. I have found that you don't get respect with your family just because you are the most capable one, the one they run to, the one that is the fix all, fall to. I have found that I hate hypocrites with a passion and it is so hard to bite my tongue when they start in on me, but that I can indeed button it up.
So I am home for now and I will climb off my soap box, since most of my anger is spent. I ran to the store and grabbed me and my sister a Christmas hat. I am going to make the biggest effort to cheer the hell up since to date I have not felt like doing the whole Christmas thing. I will wear my hate and smile, damn it!, even if all I want to do is yawn and go back to bed. Let's all smile and fake it... at least until we really do feel like it or ... until it is over :)
Next my topic for today: Lead, but lead with competentce, Follow, but follow silently, or.. please, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY.
Simple right? Straight English, not hard to comprehend. I could handle these instructions and have on more than one occasion. So let's take it apart and see what lands where by the end of this post:
(1.) Lead but lead with competence.... You call me to deal with what ever it is that you can't deal with, that means to me that you can't do the leading but you think that I can... Okay I can deal with that. I have the ability to lead even if I don't always want to. I have the confidence within myself to show you how to do it and what to do and where to turn to get it done. I have the humility to ask if I am unsure and I will do my homework. I promise, as always to listen to what you have to say and to not yell if I think you are wrong. I will entertain anything you have to say and be as fair as I know how to be. You know all this since you called me, so that brings us to:
(2.) Follow, but follow silently. Yeah I get it not the easiest one to do. It is hard when your toes are getting stepped on to shut the heaven up. I would have problems with that but I would still breathe and not yell. I hate it when someone feels they must be the martyr in any situation and I hate it when I feel I must tell you to "get off the cross" and get on your feet. I hate that I am put in the position to have to correct you in something you should know better about. I hate when I am called to lead and then you want to fuss at how I do it even when I am getting the results that I need to get. So do us all a favor, just follow silently or
(3.) GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY. Do not pass go do not collect 200 dollars, do not speak, just get out of my way. I don't mean to seem harsh, I am oh so sorry if it is so cruel to you but really get out of the way, please. If it could have been done better by someone else then you should have called them. As it is or was I did the best I could, you have no dog in this fight and I think I see "EXIT" on the stage to your left. Especially, when the situation you called me to handle is over and done with all working out fine in the end.
I have done a lot of thinking in the last couple months, and I have done a lot of changes as well. I will not sugar coat it and say it was all so sweet or nice. Nor will I sit here and type that I am all done and we are all peachy keen. The truth is I am just getting started and before I am done I will see the fall of Rome, then we will rebuild it much better than it was before. I have run into some really interesting obstacles. In the process of working through them, going around them, or over them I have learned things about myself that I hate, and things about others that I hate. I have learned things about myself and others that I love. I have heard opinions that are better being blown up someone else ass and opinions that are awesome.
I find myself so angry today at a few things. I am more than tired I am exhausted, not so much physically but emotionally and mentally. I found that I juggle well but the pay to be the court jester really sucks. I have found that I am a criticizer but always with love and never in a mean way, (I only critize when I am ask to I never volunteer), and others are the same but not in the nice way, and I never ASK for that. I have found that you don't get respect with your family just because you are the most capable one, the one they run to, the one that is the fix all, fall to. I have found that I hate hypocrites with a passion and it is so hard to bite my tongue when they start in on me, but that I can indeed button it up.
So I am home for now and I will climb off my soap box, since most of my anger is spent. I ran to the store and grabbed me and my sister a Christmas hat. I am going to make the biggest effort to cheer the hell up since to date I have not felt like doing the whole Christmas thing. I will wear my hate and smile, damn it!, even if all I want to do is yawn and go back to bed. Let's all smile and fake it... at least until we really do feel like it or ... until it is over :)
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