It will be worth it in the end...

Here we are again .... 
 Baby update: we moved my due date up by about a week to November 18th since I was measuring big. I have not put any stock in the due date anyway the baby will come when he/she is ready to be here. The heart beat was great yesterday, was funny the midwife had to chase the baby around my tummy to get a heart beat since the baby was busy moving. 
 I took Jami with me since she wanted to hear the heart beat, I think once she heard it for some reason this baby became more real to her. Well, that and since her bomb shell last week about "Mom you will love the new baby more than us" and I think she now knows that I could NOT love the new baby more than I love her, Jess, and Jonah.
 We go in 5 weeks to have an ultrasound to make sure our little one is growing ok, and I am sure there will be no problems. Plus we can find out what our little one's gender is, long as the baby will play nice with us for a moment and let us see the goods :). We, my friends, family, and I, are all excited, can't wait to know!
 On to the dental work.... *sigh* I will say it again, this is not the worse thing I have ever done to me but it is not a cake walk either. I have to keep telling myself that it will all be worth it in the end. I am having a full denture done for up top and more than likely a partial done for the bottom. So, all the top teeth , which were in horrible shape to begin with, have to be pulled. We did 3 yesterday. I have had a total of 8 done, but 3 of which was on the bottom (a wisdom tooth that was impacted which broke the jaw tooth in front of it, plus another broken jaw tooth). Yesterday was not to bad compared to the wisdom tooth, but I had to have a couple stitches as well.... and that is just weird. 
  Plus there was a new receptionist there that I did not know, and she was fussing about me double stacking my apt's up (which I will never do again, that is just to much running and stuff for one day on me and baby) and not listening to me. It is REALLY hard to speak with in the first couple hours after having a set of teeth pulled. I was trying to explain to her that I needed to come back in a week to have the stitches removed but she set the next time up for 2 weeks. My face was to numb and I was to frustrated to keep going around with her so I came home to deal with it later. I will call later today and double check since all the stitches I have ever had to deal with had to come out with in 7 to 10 days and not 14.
  I do  alright for the most part as long as I remember to keep my pain meds in my system, but late at night is the worse since you fall asleep and they run out. Then you wake up in pain and alone, just sad. When ever you have something like this done, something Big and what in the end will be life changing, you take a hit in the mean time to your self esteem. That is where I am at now. My smile was fucked before but now with most of the top teeth missing I so don't want to face anyone till this is all done. I have to keep telling myself  it will all be worth it in the end! And it will, God please, A new perfect smile and a new perfect baby to love on.  
 Last but not least.... I got home with my face beginning to wake up, exhausted, not brave enough to go to the pharmacy, frustrated since I could not reach Jay, and just out and out whooped. I could not get on my favorite social site and let everyone know at one time what the doctor said about baby since I have my very on drama llama that will copy my every statement. Major annoyance. My best friend tells me they understand but still ya know.. errr ... lol. Again I think it is only really a bugging factor when I am tired and hurting. Since my nearest and dearest know how my llama is they understand. 
 So this is how we end what has been a long week. Tomorrow is Friday, and I am ready to see the weekend :)

The Rant...

Yeah, yeah, I'm in that place once again. The place where nothing is right and if it can go wrong it already has more than likely. 
 Where do we start: No bedroom, Jami's lack of attention span, MIL, sick, to much to do in to little time....
   I know I have bitched repeatedly that I do not have a bed room and it is true I don't. What we have is a living room that my bed is in. In one way it is nice we all can hang out and watch tv together or play the computer games, whatever. On the other hand it fucking sucks! I have no privacy and that is just not right. I know, I know I am bitching again and nothing will change.... but sometimes you just have to bitch.
 I am sick, as I mentioned in an earlier blog post. I have a cold that is kicking my butt. I am tired sorry but that comes with having a cold I think partly and I don't know if any one has had the balls to mention before but I'm Pregnant and making a baby is HARD WORK! I am waking at odd hours between the baby and the cold. I get tired in the afternoons and I don't think it is asking to much to be allowed to take a nap if I need one....  Now can some one tell me why NO ONE in my known little universe will let me freaking sleep? And not it is NOT the kids in the house it is the phone, or people showing up or whatever. Lord don't let me have enough and turn the phone off then all hell does break loose ....(more on that in a minute).
 Yesterday the MIL comes over, unannounced which always annoys me but I over look it for the most part, to show me her new smart phone. *Rolls eyes* I don't know why she needs a smart phone but her daughter did it for her so ok is all I will say. So after she shows off her new toy she starts in on Jami Lynn... *deep breathe here* I looked at Jami and she gave me the "Mom don't freak out on us look" so I did not say anything in front of Barbara but I was LIVID. 
 Let me back up a bit, I was very active in my church before I woke up in October, I keep meaning to go back but every time I try something comes us, that is life and it will work out. But if I don't go then the kids don't either and that is not an issue with me. Apparently Jami was slightly fussing because she did not have any "real life friends" since she is home schooled and we don't go to church. I will admit that this is true but then again she goes over board because she is 13 it is NOT the end of the world but she is a teenager so ... enough said. Well the loving mother in law ask yesterday if my Grandmother goes to my church and indeed she does but my granny is OLD and I don't send my kids with her for several reasons that I will not get into here, we will leave it at family drama. But Barbara decided to tell Jami that she needed to get her little butt up and be at church with my Grandmother Sunday and find a friend or a little boy to befriend...... I saw red I swear, Jami ask me not to say a thing so I did not but EEEEERRR! Sometimes I wish my parents had not raised me to have such respect for my elders, I want to tell her off but she is Jay's mother and I just can't. 
 So, today when she called I was trying to sleep because I feel like curd, I ignored it and turn it plus my cell phone off. I need to rest. Before hand I had fielded calls from Jay asking me to look up an address for him, that bothers me too since I am not his office girl... let her freaking do it.... I am ill. So anyway, Jay gets in and the first thing out of his mouth is "Woman is your phone broken"... O.o "No the ringer is off since I just can't deal with your mother today." I have no voice by the way I sound like a little frog so talking is not big on my list today. "She was calling to apologize for stepping on your toes yesterday." Big freaking deal! Still don't want to talk to her. Honestly she should have just hushed to begin with. *Shurgs* 
 I am tired of going over and over things with Jami but her attention span or lack there of I have about decided comes from her Father's side of the family since I have been told he was the same way as a teenager. Still would be nice if she could do 3 thing in a row without me having to repeat what I ask her to do. *sigh, cough*
 I have 2 doctor apt.'s tomorrow. The first is for the baby and I am looking forward to hearing the little one's heart beat really! The second is the dentist, not looking forward to that but I will suck it up because I really do want a pretty smile. I just feel overloaded for the moment, probably because I am still tired and sick. 
 So that is the ranting novel.. tomorrow will be better I am hoping. 

Sunday Shows... Exhaustion, Frustration, and...

So Sunday showed more than stable vital signs, it shows there is still a problem but since I was there to talk to the doctor today we will know *I pray* by some time tomorrow we will know what the heaven is wrong. They are calling in a GI Doctor.. have to do some test, and go from there.
 I was tired when I left Tallahassee, but every mile I got closer to my house the more tired I became. I had to stop a mile from my drive way just to reel it all it. Would not do to let the kids see how upset I was. I am frustrated that the doctors, though I am sure they are doing the best they can, are not doing enough fast enough in my opinion. I am frustrated that I have had to stay on top of the nurses. I am frustrated in myself that I HAD to come home, I could not think straight and I was getting snappy with everyone. I am frustrated that I am not stronger but I know that I must come rest to be strong when or if the time comes that I really need to be strong. I am ANGRY that we are almost a week in and still have no conclusive answers. I am exhausted since I have had maybe 5 hours of sleep in the last 72 hours. I am .... so very, very, very scared... we seem to go one step forward and 3 steps back and not a one of the educated people that are with my mother can tell me the answer to the dread question WHY?!?!?! I am scared that the test they run tomorrow will show something worse than I can deal with, or they will show nothing at all and we will be at another dead in.
 Now that I am through whining, I am going to now go and take a HOT shower and find my bed for what I hope will be a few hours of down time since I have no idea when I will have to fly back to the hospital. *sigh*