Wednesday, July 27, 2011

"We're the cabbage and kings"

The Walrus said "the time has come my little friends to talk of other things, of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings and while the sea is boiling hot and weather pigs have wings. Kalu Kala come run away we're the cabbages and kings."
 The Walrus and Carpenter were friends, and in this scene the walrus wanted to convince the little oysters to come take a walk with him and his friend. So the walrus talks of "other" things: shoes, ships, sealing wax, cabbages, kings, a boiling sea, and if pigs can fly. If the little oysters had but listened to their mother they would have stayed in bed that day.
  So come my little friends and take a walk with me, we too shall talk of many things... Let's return to wonderland for one more story, and we can be the cabbages and kings.
 Often I think we look around our snug little bed and tho we are happy we wonder, we muse, we look. Then something comes along as says "come walk with me for a little while what fun we will have". We see our little bed and that the sea is boiling hot, and think maybe pigs do have wings...
 So we walk along the path a while and pretend we are the king. We see the sights with wonder lust in our eyes and we do indeed talk of other things. As so often happens tho it is not real, it is an illusion and we are eaten with bread and vinegar .... Kalu, Kala we are the cabbages after all... I wonder if some one would please pass the salt.

 If I were a super hero my theme/catch phrase would be "I'm tired".... the path is laid out a head of me and today it is taking all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. I did not take this path up at the urging of a "friend" to come walk and talk of other things. I fell down the rabbit hole, I stepped through the looking glass on a winding path.
 Today, I feel like the little oysters that went along in all ignorance with the Walrus and in the end were eaten with bread. I feel battered and deep fried. I fell into the boiling sea and then was served with a side order of cheese grits. 
 I have not the first clue how to sum this up today, other than to wonder...... Alice heard this story from Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb... did she feel sorry for the oysters? or Did she applaud the Walrus for his quick thinking on how to get a great meal? Things that make you go hmmmmm.... 

Saturday, July 23, 2011

And the Mad Hatter says.....

And then the Mad Hatter says to Alice "you've lost your muchness"...
 Alice would have to have a friend that was crazy wouldn't she? As I am going more into the world of Alice and Wonderland I am finding things that I love and despise about this girl. I find that she does somethings that make me so happy and other times, in reflection, I just want to smack her ...
 In retrospect I am finding things that I love and hate about me, and sometimes I just want to smack myself.
 Things lately have been interesting to say the least. I feel as I am traveling down my road that I have lost my "muchness" ... I wonder will I be like Alice and one of my crazy friends will help me find it again? Or is this the part of the road that I must walk alone to regain my lost ground? Or, or, or am I never going to be able to regain my "muchness"? *shakes head* questions questions, the world is full of them and I wish I had all the answers but alas I am just making it up as I go along.
 I do not have a friend that can help me regain my muchness, tho they help is so many more ways! I would never trade them but nor would I ever, ever, ever draw them in to the web that I must navigate. It would not be fair, and tho life is not fair, this is my unfairness and they have their own to deal with.
 I may never be able to regain my lost muchness but that is OK. I am not unhappy all the time, just now and again, this will get better. I think this is the fork in the road that, by choice I know, I must walk alone. I am ok with that since it will give me the chance to learn more about myself and my limits. I have learned so much in the last 2 months about limits and NO it is not always nice. I am not the kind of person that can be told "hey don't do that, not a good idea" nope, I have to go beat my head against the wall MYSELF, go figure.
 I am not in a horrid place tonight just a different new place. I am in a place that is teaching me that the wall is made of brick and my head will give way before it does.  I am learning when to put a game face on and when it is ok to just have a "fuckit" day. I am learning when to cry, when to take a deep breathe and scream, which contrary to popular belief, is a great thing to do when the need arises long as you are screaming at an inanimate object.  I am learning to respect myself in ways that I did not before, and that is always good.
 So maybe wonderland is not a barren wasteland as long as you have some "muchness" and a crazy friend.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Alice then had a really good cry...

Alice fell down the rabbit hole/ stepped through the looking glass, warndered around got LOST and saw Wonderland. Alice saw that the cheshier cat had led her astray and then disappeared.  When she stops, really stops, to look around, to take stock of her sitiuation she does what we all do when we see it is hopeless.... she cries.. and I don't blame her tonight at all!

It has been a while since I have posted... and somethings have happened.
In May, when we came home from our mini vacation, I got really sick, and after being in bed for 2 weeks I drug myself to the dr to find out it was Fibromyalgia...
 At first I was just relieved that we have a name for what is wrong with me, I was honestly happy that I had not gone crazy.... I was and am really sick. I think I can honestly say that is when the proverbial shit hit the fan. The ones I count on the most for support and understanding turned on me. Yes, I know they do not feel that way but this is how I FEEL: Betrayed. In the last 2 months I have heard so much negative crap until I am ready to weep. "It is a catch all term, Joni shake it off and get moving, I know just how you feel Jo I have bad days too. if you would do this or that it would get better, Don't name it Joni that gives it power over you." All Utter CRAP.
 So, let me do what I always do and start at the top: "it is a catch all diagnoses" it is NOT it is well researched with more research being done every day. Before you say that it is a "catch all" I urge you, do your home work, look it up and you will see that it is real and lots of people suffer from this.
 "Shake it off and get moving" OK, in all fairness that did not seem that far off to me so I got busy, got moving and ran myself into the ground literally. I am at the point where I can't go any more. Lord I never knew what tired was, really was, till now!
 "I know just how you feel Jo I have bad days too".. excuse me but there is no way you can know how I feel.. you just can't because you do not have my life, my body, my aches and pains.. you are not me.. I hear this one more time I will have a calf.
 "If you would do this or that it would get better" Again in fairness, I have been trying this, that and some other things. Somethings are better but as I lay here tonight to key this out I only see a bleak spot that is showing me how ignorant I really am, all I can see is how much more I have to learn.
 "Don't name it Joni, that gives it power over you"... it has a name and very real symptoms. All the praying and believing in the world has yet to change it. I have just stopped saying it because I am tired of the comments and looks but by not speaking it I have dug myself a deeper hole. If you don't let the ones you love, the ones that are suppose to love you, know that you are sick, that you are dealing with something beyond your control, if it is taboo and never brought up then they go: "Well, she must be better she never says anything any more, she never complains, she has yet to stop". It is nice on the surface to say nothing is wrong but when you look just a little deeper you will see the paint is fading and the colors are losing their luster.
 I know I need to be keeping a journal and I had great plans, but like the best laid plans of mice and men they fell to the wayside. I know I need to pace myself but my life is to hectic. I know I need to slow down but God when do I have the time.  I have learned that if I do not get enough rest, SLEEP, then I sink to a low. This is where I find myself for the last couple days, I have not gotten to rest and hence I am very low tonight.....just the thought of the busy weekend ahead and I have retreated to my bed.
 I remember in May thinking "OK fibromyalgia, I got this! Big deal I can handle this, it will NOT run my life, it will NOT define who I am, it will NOT control me". HA HA HA HA HA jokes on me. It is like a toggle switch that has been flipped and every day is different. I can't make a plan, as I would with anything else, to divide and control, when I do not know how I will feel that day till I open my eyes. I am ANGRY! ....
  Now there is a word that is not strong enough for how I feel.. I am pissed off honestly, why me? WTF did I do for this? ~shakes head~
  So to sum up, Alice was lost and had a good weep, then happy,happy she looks up and sees.. HOPE. A path that will lead her home in time for tea so she can tell Dinah all about her adventure.
     I already see this is a process that I am going through. I knew I would but I think that I just expected to be done with it by now and all the advice that I give my husband and kids "chronic" means this will not get better in a day or week or month or year or ever.. I need to take to heart and I have not... I am coming to grips with this and I do not like it. I am angry that it seems my life has gotten turned upside down and I can't find the flip switch.
 Knowing that a lot of this stems from exhaustion does not help much. I know that tomorrow will be a new day but I am not confident at this point that it will be a better day.
 I feel confused because I don't know what my next step should be. I am sad because it seems like I am caught on a roller coaster that has no beginning or end with nothing but constant up and downs.
I know that I need hope to move forward, because without hope all we have is death and despair. I know that I am loved by many but tonight I do not love myself very much. At this point I am with Alice sitting on the mushroom having a good cry, soon tho, so very soon I will look up and see HOPE, a path that will lead me from wonderland and home in time for tea, with a loved one that I can share this adventure with.