Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Weeeee Wednesday.

I got a lot done on Tuesday and got a nap in so, all in all, that was not so bad. Went to bed somewhat early last night. Jay was being cranky and snappish, the bed was the safest option. I knocked out really easy considering, but then again I was still super tired so. 
 Since it has gotten really cold at night we let our two outside cats come in at night. For some weird reason my daughter's haughty cat decided she had to cuddle with me on the bed. It was odd since this cat normally has nothing to do with me at all. Plus my kitten always sleeps with me. I never would have guessed that when I was in my 30's I would be sharing a bed with a couple cats and the husband. Then, for the first time since I woke up, Jonah had a nightmare and got on my bed. Now I have a king size bed, it is really big, and should in theory be big enough for a couple cats, a kid, Jay and I. It was to an extent, the cats went to their separate corners, curled up and went to sleep. Jonah had to be under me all night. Hence today by back is screaming at me, I am in total knots from shoulders down to hips. 
 I am still annoyed that my router is going out, it works when it wants to and that bugs the snot out of me. I also found myself being annoyed with the children big time yesterday. I am chalking it up to I did not and do not feel well, but for some reason yesterday Jonah had to bump and touch or coincidentally hit me all day long.  He never did it out of meanness but it hurt all the same. I think the one thing I hate above all else with Fibromyalgia is some days I can not be touched. What I mean is, yes it is ok to hug me but I have to know in advance so that I can steel myself for the reaction my body will have. Said reaction will be severely worse if it is unexpected.  On the really bad days I have found that it is not a good idea to go around others, since I was such a friendly person, everyone knows me and sometimes they reach out to touch me, say on a shoulder or what ever, and that unexpected contact can rock me to the very core. It makes me angry and sad. I hate this, and I am praying, hoping that I will find a way to cope better. The older kids understand, and I have found myself reacting subconsciously to possibility of being hurt.. I will tense when ever anyone gets close to me..... or flinch. Trust me this is NO way to live. *shakes head*
 So here we are at WEEEeee Wednesday. There are somethings that I want to get done, somethings I have to get done and somethings that will never get done. Yay, let's hear it for Wednesday. I am not in a bad mood, even considering the rough night I had :) so I am ready to rock this day and I am sure it will get better and better.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

So it begins...

Tuesday. I am trying to think of something positive I want to say about today and I am drawing a blank.
 I have gotten a lot of what Jay calls the "must see" movies some of which I like a lot some of which I wish I had not watched at all. Jay tells me I loved gore and violence but *shakes head* I can't seem to stand it now. I watched Resident Evil parts 1 and 2 last night. Since we don't run the kids out till late I did not start it till late, so it did not finish till late, and this was a mistake. Like I needed any fuel added to my nightmares. What horrible images to have in your head! Just nasty! I spent most of the night walking the floor. I don't know, maybe I had become immune to seeing such things, maybe they did not bother me a month or so ago, but they really did last night. So, new rule no more horror movies at night, which will mean no more ever pretty much since the kids are always in here. Sunday night I watched the "Tyler Perry" Madea movies and those were nice, a decent blend of drama and comedy with a happy ending.. that is a kind of movie I can deal with. 
 I started getting sick Sunday but I guess I was not aware of it, yesterday was the whole coughing, fever, sinus issues. Today is pretty much the same and I feel horrible. I was around the kids Thanksgiving, and 4 of the 10 were sick, one of that four sat on the couch and cuddled with me for over an hour. I loved cuddling with her, since she is just so freaking enchanting and cute, but I feel like my immune system is shot. 
 I also have been dealing with a feeling of abandonment, which I know makes no sense. Jay was super sweet caring, supportive, so on and so forth at first but now.... We had a horrible argument Friday afternoon and we made a gulf between us. With him being a man, I have my doubts that he will even notice, but I do know and I hate this feeling. He does not call me like he used to, he does not wake me in the mornings anymore, he does not want to hold me. I ask him if he was angry at me or just did not love me anymore, his reply was I am busy, I love you a lot but I am to busy right now. Well, Ok but what about when you come in and get right on your computer ... what then? I have all the words in me I could say to him but last time I tried I felt like I was wasting my breathe, and time so ... *sniffles* I think all things are much worse when you are sick.  
 So today holds more catch up on the laundry, school work, and hopefully some more rest. I walked the floor till after 4 am and I have to take something for this dang running nose, sore throat issue. I am just ill today. 

Monday, November 28, 2011


I woke to the phone ringing and ringing. It is dreary, overcast, damp and just plan UGH outside.
 After another .... something not even  sure what to call it, Jay go the dryer fixed, today I am playing catch up on laundry. Plus it is Monday and we have a good bit of school work today. I wish the phone had not rang so that I could have stayed sleeping. 
 My wireless router is being a brat, it will drop signal when ever it wants to. Plus it will not allow Jami's DSi to connect at all... I see Santa bringing me a new one for Christmas. EWWWWWwww that is another thing.. Christmas! I have no idea what to get them or what they like or nothing. I will have to rely on Jay I guess. 
 I ask Jay last night if he ever thought of leaving me, and taking the kids with him, he says no but from a personal stand point I sometimes wish I had a place to run to. Jay makes statements that are just so freaking cruel to me, he says honestly I say flippant. Like I ran the kids out of my room around 5 yesterday, and I told Jay let's keep them out. His reply was "I can't be that cruel" I was baffled frankly, because it is not cruel to make them stay out of my room for a I had to ask "Why not?" I probably should have just hushed... his instant response was "Because unlike you I remember them being born".  I took a deep breathe, looked at him in the eyes and "That finished us for the night thank you, Please don't talk to me anymore" then did what all real women do, I went outside to cry. 
 I would give anything to remember, anything! All the wishing and praying in the world has not worked yet, and I am not holding out hope that it will. I hate when he speaks and does not think first of how it will sound, how the words he used will make me feel. You can't take them back once they are out of your mouth. I try hard to remember to breathe, and think before I put it out there.... I try. 
 Ok so on a different noted, I don't know if it is the weather change or being around sick nieces and nephews but I feel like crud. My throat hurts and my sinus' are having a fit on me. This is just what I needed, a cold, Yay me! Oh, and, Jami managed to go a whole 2 days with her DSi before she screwed up. I ask her to do something yesterday, then like 5 minutes later I called her for something else, she walked into my room and raised her voice to me "What do you want NOW Mother? I dropped my stylisus (pen thing for the DSi) in the bathroom and I have to FIND IT first!" So the "Mother" took a deep breathe and informed the now "Teenage" child that she should not have taken it to the bathroom but she could now bring it to me since she was grounded for raising her voice to me. I kept it till late yesterday afternoon. I don't know if it will impact her attitude or reactions but at least I did not yell at her. I know that she is going through a stage and that this too shall pass, long as I do not kill her first. 
 Here's to Monday, I will now get up and get it started. 

Sunday, November 27, 2011


It is Sunday morning. Let's recap what I did yesterday... NOTHING. I did my nails in a totally random fashion, half and half 2 different colors. I watched the Godfather pars 1 and 2. I played my racing game for a while... I really did nothing. 
 Today I am going to do some laundry long as the rain holds off. I have been begging for a month now about the dryer and it is down DOA. I have since Friday boycotted doing Jay's clothes... soon as he runs out he will do one of 2 things... wash, then hang them out himself, or fix the freaking dryer...
 I spent last night tossing and turning so I am tired this morning and achey, nothing new there.  I think that in the last month I have found my blog to be very therapeutically necessary. If I had to hold all my words inside I would explode. At least I can get it out here and only a hand full of people will bother to read them. My loved one in my house will ignore them totally. Jay knows all about my blog but he is not vested enough to read what I type, that maybe because he has to listen to what I say. He no longer gets the option to ignore me. I will promptly pull his plug so... 
 Here we go the start of another Sunday. I wish I could return to the home I remember but since I can't I will go make the one I have now a better place to be. 

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Just Blah...

Today finds me just blah. I am tired, the weather is dreary and I hurt from bottom to top. I don't feel like doing anything today but sitting and crying, I am so very blue.
 Though I accept what happen last night with as much or as little grace as possible I am still saddened that it had to be the way it was. I am blue that Jay and I had a fall out, still reeling since I am not sure we have spanned the gulf we made yesterday. Yes we are talking but I am more talking at him than to him. Yes that is probably wrong but much as I did not go to bed angry with him last night, his easy dismissal of me and retarded jokes this morning have annoyed me anew.  Plus add insult to injury he went to my mother and sisters for support... what the hell? That is so wrong on so many levels. The fact that they did support him and did not call to check on me HURTS! I am angry at my mother, which is not new. By the time Jay and I had finished our outside argument I was screaming at him, screaming so loudly *tho I am not proud to admit it, I lost it totally yesterday, after trying so flipping hard not to* I have a sore throat today. Mom and Dad heard us and Mom simply told Jay "you have to love her". Again What The Hell?! I would be all over Jami's husband's ass and then I would be supporting and comforting Jami. I truly come from a screwed up family. It is days like late yesterday and today that I really feel alone. It is days like today that I can completely understand why I went to sleep and never woke the same. It is days like today that I almost wish I could go to sleep and really not wake up. I hope the sun comes out soon.
 The fog did not just roll in last night it slammed into me with a quick vengeance. Under the best of terms I hate feeling foggy but when it creeps in I can handle it much better, but when it just hits all of the sudden, like last night I really feel like I am going insane. 
 Jay told me today to stop trying to fix everything, and I noticed at that point, that was exactly what I was doing, trying to fix it all. I agree with Jay that I should stop and I will because at this point I can't be anyone's savior. Hell I can't even think straight enough to fix myself. 
 I have also found, and this is not new, not really, I love things about my life DEARLY, but then I hate some things with a passion. Hate as in seeing red and screaming hate. Hate as in I could rip the head off of the loved one that insist on speaking. Hate as in all the way to the core of me HATE! I refuse to let it eat me up inside, I am not the person, now at least, that will let it slide or blow it off, I am more often than not going to blow up, even if I do it calmly, you will hear how I feel and what I think, like it or not. I am not sure this is a good side to me, it is probably a really ugly side but, I also found that I do not care... If it takes making a point with brutal force to make everyone see I am not a doormat to be stepped on or a child to be pushed around... then I am fine with that...
 So I am not the person I used to be, I am a stranger in my own life. That also makes me sad. Sad for me since this is the life I must lead. Sad for the poor woman that is still sleeping or went away. Sad for my family that I was not strong enough to handle it all and stay. It... is ... just... sad.
 Today I will, I must, just rest and I am going to try oh so hard not to think at all... for today I am just so blah.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Round 2

So we took a couple of hours and chilled out. 
 I very calmly ask him if he was going to ignore me all night. He took off his head phones and said no, so we started talking. He insisted it was all my fault .... when I went to rebuff that he then attempted to put his head phones back on and return to his computer .... 
 I just as calmly reached over and unplugged the modem... and wanted patiently for his streaming song to shut down with the internet off. 
 Fast forward some. We talked and we both agreed we handled things wrong. He feels like I am a stranger to him in some ways now. I understand that because I feel the same way, kind of. It is like I am living in a stranger's life, that in all honesty this is not my life, just the one I woke up to. 
 I thought he was being inhuman with the rooster but what I did not know is that chickens don't know right away that they should lay down even tho they are dead. 
 I am not making excuses, for him or myself. I have no illusions that this will be, has been easy. I know that this is going to take work and I told him this. I understand that my family has had to accept alot in the last month. Jay ask me if I could for one second look at it from someone else's point of view... Yes I can, and I am. But I had to ask him if he could see it from my side... I wake up with a man that is my husband but not the one I KNOW, and with 3 kids that I know accept but don't have the same relationship with as before. I have accepted all this with little to no kicking and screaming. If I have despaired it has been in private. All the fights Jay and I had before, he says I would go "Ok, Asshole, come talk to me when you are less buttheaded" but today I could not and did not do that, he showed aggressiveness and I fought back.... A first for me according to him. I have no sage words here for this, I can't change what has happened to me I can only deal with it as the situations come up ... I can't live up to his expectations when I have no idea what he expects from me.
 He tells me I am not the mother I used to be... well, ok I accept that because I am not the woman I once was. With keeping in the spirit of being honest with him and myself, I do not think I ever want to be the mother or the woman I was. I do not want things to go back to the way there were before. There must have been something back there that was so wrong, in all senses of the word wrong, that my mind had to run from it. I don't want to go back and find it I really don't. What is the saying? "Let sleeping dogs lay"... That is what I shall do I will allow that sleeping dog to simply sleep. If we as "we" can't handle this as it is with all the ups and downs then we don't need to be "we"... Love me, need me, want me, all those great things but RESPECT me too... *shrugs* not always nice but that is the way it has to be.
 So we end tonight on a tired sad note, but it is not the end of the world and tomorrow will shine bright and clear. 

I'm Pissed!

So, first the first time since I woke up Jay and I are arguing and I am PISSED!
 Let's start at the start. Yesterday was a great day, being with my family was so nice. Everyone has gotten older and it was great to see all the babies. We had one family member that was out of sorts but they tell me that is normal for this person so I let that one go.  We had more food than we could eat and we all ate more than we should. 
 Today was oh so nice! We got Jami the DSi she has been begging for and her Granny got her make-up. The make-up was not a big hit but ummmmmm... I let that go since she is a teenager. Barbara (the mother in law) came and took Jami to lunch, then she took all 3 kids to her house for a while. Jay and I went shopping with no fuss. We had a great day, that is until we got home....
 We have chickens that are pets, well in the process of raising these birds one was a rooster and he had gotten mean. He would always attack me or Jonah. Well, today the bird went after Jonah and knocked him down, busted his lip and scared the living hell out of me and the poor kid. Jay, being a man, decided that was the end of the bird... Fine, I get that totally, I understand that completely. What I do not get is why he did it the way he did, and I am angry.
  Jay first chased the poor rooster around the yard instead of getting a gun and shooting the damn thing. When I yelled at him (not meanly just because Jay was in the back of the yard) to "be done with it, stop tormenting the fucking bird or to let me do it," Jay then decided to get the rifle... better idea, much faster, but it took Jay 4 shots... WTF?!?!?!? then he had to come get another clip for the  gun. I could have and would have done it in one with out involving the kids ... bam done over with. I proceeded to tell Jay this,(at this point I was calm until) he told me to "shut up" and that I was about fucking useless..... .....
     Not sure how the OLD me would have reacted but the new me took a deep breathe and went the hell off on him. "NO! I will not Shut UP! I am not one of the children, and I am not useless... and bury the fucking bird then do not talk to me any more." (still not yelling yet) 
 "YOU are so full of the ideas you dig the fucking hole!" Jay said.
Wrong thing to say....
 "If I had made the Fucking MESS I would deal with it, but since I did not, I am not, and I will NOT eat the fucking thing... What part, really, honestly, of do not speak with me again did you not fucking understand? Must I pull out every word in the dictionary for shut up for you to get not to speak to me?" 
"Yes, if that would make you feel better besides I would not make you eat it. Do I look like the Big Hunter?" 
(If he had just hush I would have let it go but oh no so... *Deep Breathe* and now I am yelling)  "If you were any type of fucking hunter or marksman at all it would not have taken you 4 fucking shots and then some. Please for the love of God, and anything you hold holy SHUT THE FUCK UP!" 
 I am not sure if he was just shocked that I finally lost it to yell or if he finally got the point to shush but he left to take care of my rooster and I am still mad at him. Not at what he did, but the way he did it and the way he treated me, as tho I am a child and can't handle or make decisions....I am reeling. This is the first fight we have gotten in and I refuse to back down. We are at ground zero and I am shaking my head. 
 He comes in, plops down at his pc, headphones on so that he can ignore me and the kids. Plus he left me with the job of telling Jami, and it is her birthday. I swear he could screw up a wet dream. I feel so bad for Jami. I am not bringing the fight to in front of the kids but I am not talking to Jay either. At this point I am just in shock I think. I want Jay to apologize for the way he talked and treated me, the callous way I was dismissed, but in the same breathe if he speaks to me right at this moment I will probably leave. Silence is best right now for sure. 

***In reflection, I know now why I am so upset, and I am not sure if it is part of things I can't remember or what but.... When Jay decided to tell me I was "fucking useless" and to shut up, he took the same stance, and tone inflection that he uses with the children. I am so taken aback and just appalled. I am 33 and so far beyond being a child until sometimes I scare myself.  But for him to bow up at me like he does when he is correcting one of the children is not acceptable, and not something I am willing or able to put up with. I don't know if I just accepted it before but I find that I can't today. Jay told me we never really fought we would go "are you done?" and the one that felt the least strongly would let it go. I am not at a place where I can ask him if he is done.. because frankly I don't care if he is or not. He was wrong.... Yes, I could have handled it a bit differently but I refuse to be cowed down to him just because he puffs out his chest and acts intimidating .. sorry but screw that I am not scare of him... *shrugs* maybe I am wrong tonight I just don't know.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving to one and all!
 Not to much to type about this morning since I have been up and hopping today early. The turkey is roasting now. I have the stuff for brown rice set out, and I am doing stuffing from the box this year (which I may have done every year but ummmmmmmm). Other wise it was a quiet night, and has been a busy morning.
 All that in a nutshell, I hope and pray everyone is blessed and thankful this year. I will try to come back to my beloved blog this afternoon and loop me in, that is if I am not sleeping off a turkey high.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Happy Hump Day (Wednesday)

So we arrive at Wednesday, hump day, and today is the day before Thanksgiving! I am excited about this holiday this year. I have a lot of cooking to do but I am not daunted. I am looking forward to spending time with my family, since we have not gotten together since I have been awake. I can't wait to hear all the stories and see all the kids, I think I am finally ready.
 I have spend a lot of time talking to Jay. I love him and he knows this. I have been told all the mistakes that I have made, I was almost depressed last night listening to him, then my self defenses kicked in, I stopped to think and ask: "Ok so you went out a lot and left me home alone a lot, I know what I did, but what did you do to make me do this?" Since some, or hell most, of what I have heard is so far out of my realm of what I see myself doing, or capable of doing. So, Jay, bless him owned up to his mistakes to. It is a relief to know that I am not the only bad one when we were first married. Okay, so yeah, I made some pretty big mistakes but he was breaking all the rules with me, and in my humble opinion he was breaking them worse than I was. Still, we got past all the past, as it were.... We must have, we are still married after 14 yrs and we have 3 healthy happy kids. So we got it right from the start even when we were extremely human and tried to fuck it up. That in and of itself is a nice thing.
 I start today with a fresh outlook that I am hoping to hold on to. I have some last minute shopping I have to get done for tomorrow. I have to get up way to early in the morning to think and get a turkey cooking but I am not unhappy. I am excited and can't wait to see how this plays out. So today is a Happy Hump Day!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Roll On Tuesday

Tuesday is here...
I have nothing I want to do today and very very little I have to do today. I have a couple new books to read from the library that are calling my name, and I have planned to play my game today. 
I spoke to a friend last night, a friend that knows me from before October, we had planned to get together tomorrow but I begged off till after the new year. I am just so hectic paced right now that I can't think of seeing any friends right now. It seems it is all I can do to deal with my family. I am hoping by the turn of the year I will have this more down pat. 
 I have a turkey in the fridge thawing out so that I can bake it early Thursday morning for Thanksgiving. I also have the stuff to do the dressing and brown rice. T is doing the ham and pies. I am looking forward to eating that is for sure.  Jami's birthday is Friday and I am trying to juggle getting her present around Thanksgiving. She will officially be a teenager but she has been acting like one for forever now.  
 I went all spastic last night. A friend said to get a beer, not to get drunk but to relax. I have not done that yet so maybe this weekend I will. Jay informed me last night if I did not find a way to lower my stress I was going to "fucking die".... Gee he was a lot of help. It feels almost as if I am struggling up hill with him and the kids. I have been trying to lower my stress but getting no where fast and I am out of ideas on what I can do. He came in last night and my headphones went on. I felt better after a hot bath and 2 hours of music. 
 Jay seems irritated about my weight loss, I don't know what to say to him about that. I did not do it on purpose... I am eating too so it is not as tho I am trying to lose any more. I just don't know what he expects from me. I am almost to the point of giving up. Right now I am trying so hard to ONLY be me and there is no way I can meet, or even vaguely accept, others expectations of what I should be. I am still trying, also it would seem, to hide my ugly side. I would hate for the people that are closest to me to see how bad it can really be. I am struggling with rebellion, I know what they want me to do and I am trying to do it, but in my heart I want to scream, cry, break things or people, I want to say just back the Hell off of me. I want to grow horns and be the lady in red with a whole new meaning to that phrase. Instead what do I do? *Smiles* I put a game face on and a smile. I hide it and move on. Right now it is time to take it slow and figure it all out. 
 I am going slow because I know that soon, as soon as I can, I will have the lay of this land down pat, I will have it all figured out and then I will be allowed to show all my sides weather they are easy going or ugly as Medusa ... 
Let's ROLL ON Tuesday!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Ok so maybe Not...

I thought when I got up, that Monday was for overcoming but now 
I am thinking maybe it is not. I am wound up in myself today, and I am not sure I like it, on the other hand it maybe not be a bad thing either. I found on my laptop over 4 hours of my favorite band, every song they every made, WOW. So I am going over that and I have hijacked one of the kids mp3 players so that I can hear it while I work.
I want, and had planned on sending an email to a friend but every time I start I lose what I want to say, or I lose the way I want to say it, or I get scared and decide not to say it at all. It is just strange.
I am trying to find me still.... I am still searching.... just when I thought I had it all figured out.
We made it to the grocery store today, and the library. I made myself a new promise today as well ... NEVER again will I go grocery shopping with all 3 kids ... NEVER! The library was not so bad but the grocery store was a nightmare of the waking kind. It has me asking how the hell I did it before. Oh God, just ugh!
Jay says get a book and run away for a while... to where is what I would love to know. It will be dark in an hour and I will not go out in the dark, I can't go relax in a hot bath because the kids will just annoy me even in there. I can't retreat to my bedroom because HA HA I don't really have one. I can't go to my Father's because his house is more crazy than mine. So Where The Hell Can I Go?
I hate the afternoons when I feel like this.
I have found out something new tho, and this will thrill a friend of mine, my headaches are triggered by dehydration some of the times. When I noticed that I was drinking less than 12 oz's of fluid a day and that was Pepsi, that means I am not getting enough in. So for the last week I have been getting a lot of water in me and my head has not hurt yet... I am praying this is the key to at least some of them. Plus I am wondering why the hell the doctors never freaking picked up on this before, since they know it all anyway.
Wow, okay, so I am bitter and I am going to go unplug somewhere before I run away or kill myself or kill someone else in this freaking house. I am ready for ROLL ON TUESDAY!

Monday is for Overcoming...

Today is Monday, the start of a new week, and what a week it shall be. This week is Thanksgiving and my darling daughter turns 13. I am wracking my brain now for what to get her that is special. I have plans today as well to get the house picked up again. Plus I have to move the turkey from the freezer to the fridge and make arrangements to cook it early Thursday morning. I am ready for this holiday, I am ready to eat all that great food and to be with my family if only for a little while, till they bug the snot out of me then I will retreat home. 
 I am blowing off most of the kids school work for this week, we will get somethings done but it is a holiday week and, hey, that is one of the perks of homeschool. We can always hit the books harder next week. Besides it is Monday and I am not really feeling it today, so we will stick to non-taxing things today.
 I am reeling today from my conversation with Daddy yesterday.. I did not sleep well last night and I guess it just decided to hit me today.  I am angry, and saddened all at the same time. I am tired and my mind is racing all at the same time ..... I think it sucks being the stable part of a dysfunctional family. I hate the fact that at this point in time, since I woke up, that I feel like in my own personal family, my kids and husband, that I am not really a part of it. I am a glorified baby-sitter, teacher, cook, maid so forth. I feel like some days if I were not here they would not really miss me, my heart says "you are wrong they would miss you so very much" my head is saying "ha ha ha bitch look around you and you will have the answer to that one". 
 Ok, so time to shake it off and get up and get moving. I slept in late this morning and hence got a late start on this day. There is not to much pressing to do but enough to do that I want to go ahead and get it done so that I can relax. ... Here's to Monday, here is to overcoming!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Sunday Afternoon

Sunday afternoon finds me tired, in a bone weary, mentally lost kinda of way, but not in a depressed way. I mean sure I am blue somewhat but not down. 
 I did what I needed to do with my Father this afternoon and learned more about myself in the process of spending time with my Dad. From what I have gathered and been told, if it needed to be done with him or for him I did it. I have found his living will on my computer which was shocking. He went over it with me today, and this did not feel like new territory, I had the sense of dejavu. None of what he wants or what he said shocked me not really. He told me he expects that I will have to make most of the decisions. On the one hand I accept that on the other it makes me angry as well. I have a LIVING Mother, and God willing she will stay with me for a long time. When I ask about that Daddy simply said "She would not do it as I want it done and I know you will".... Now I ask you what can you say to that? I have long been the ring leader for my family and it seems that I will again be so in this. Although that reads really egotistical, it is not. I will involve my siblings and we will all make the decisions, but from what I was told today, Daddy does not think they will be much help. Plus, sad as this reads I know that, in my heart, from what I have seen in the last month, this is the cold hard, mean, unflinching truth.  
 It was different today seeing family that I don't know, since I would not know them even before last month. Nice for a change to not have to explain or struggle for answers. I had a nice time, considering the somber occasion we were at. 
 I found in myself today something that I think I have been looking for since shortly after I woke up on October 25th.... HOPE! You can't know how dark it was until you see the light at the end. You can't explain how much of a struggle it is or was until you are past the worst of it. I will not say that it is all easy now because it is not. There are still up and downs. There are still days that just suck to hell and back. I have found that the dark days are coming less often, Thank God! I have found that I am more up now than down, Thank God. I have found that within myself the confidence to now say I can do this, even when my heart is going I don't want to do this anymore. Today is not so bad, not as bad as I was expecting at least, and that is something to smile about.

Sunday's Trials

Ok, so it is Sunday, and I have a lot to do. 
 Let's see, the dress to wear to the funeral is all set, shoes Check!, the way to the church is A O Good!, now just to get ready to pick up my father and go. I did not get chased so much last night and rested for a change which I needed because my head had gone all foggy by yesterday afternoon. 
 I am ready to get this day over and done with. I am honestly not looking forward to taking my Daddy to a funeral at all, but, I guess I am the one to do it by default, and that sucks. 
 This is my biggest trial I think since I woke up. SOOooooo... ok let's do this! and I will try to loop myself back in with a better blog post this afternoon. 

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Saturday's Woes

So, not the best night, I was up walking the floor till after 5am. Between the not being able to sleep and the nightmare that got me back up before 10am, it isn't looking like a great day.
 Oh, but, it gets worse, I get a phone call at 10:30am, it is my Father and he is in tears, can't speak, scared me to death! A cousin that he grew up with passed away last night. I barely knew them so I am not so much personally upset by their passing, but my Dad was close to them, and when Daddy is upset I am ready to tear down walls to make it right. I could not get a hold of my youngest siblings, which is PISSING ME OFF! My brother should be the one Dad can turn to in my humble opinion, but none of us have a way to reach him. 
 So... I get Dad calmed down and I have to drive him to the funeral tomorrow. I don't mind that so much but it presents an interesting problem, NONE of my clothes fit... in the last 6 weeks since I have been so sick I have lost close to 15 pounds and I could not afford to lose it in the first place but now I really do not have anything to wear that fits. All my clothes are baggy, which is fine around the house but not out and about. 
 I am frustrated that I have to be the emotional catch all for my Father, though I understand why it must be this way. E is out of pocket, T worked 12 hrs last night and MUST sleep, and A.. oh glory, we will not even touch that one. It just makes me sad, honestly, and if this is the way it was, only much worse, then I can see why I got overloaded and lost my damn mind. 
 So here we go, Saturday's Woes... Jay is taking me to the store to grab odds and ends then we are going to Georgia to find the church so that I can get there with my Father on time tomorrow. I have had less than 5 hours sleep, I am pale, drawn, and exhausted... Oh, Lord, give me strength, is my prayer for this weekend, as I remind myself to just breathe...

Friday, November 18, 2011

Friday blah's

So it is the end of a LONG week. I have no zen words of happiness for this Friday. I am ready for the weekend but I woke with the sound of tree trimmers clearing the powerlines along my road.... EARLY.
 I have been up for a little while now and I can't seem to get motivated this morning. I have to take the kids to my mother in laws at lunch time but there is nothing else I have to do, plenty I should do but nothing I want to do.  
 I will probably redo my nails, since I love doing that and I am good at it. The kids tell me that I had nail A.D.D. to the point that I would redo, change the way the nails looked every few days to relieve boredom. I think that it was one of my only stress relief points and something that could be ONLY mine so .... yeah, I can see how I would have nail A.D.D. 
 I have decided that NOTHING in this house is sacred and nothing is mine alone. I started a puzzle, got the frame done, left it covered with a strong piece of cardboard for a day, come to find it moved about and pieces missing the next day. I can't begin to tell you the level of anger I felt but did not *go me* express at the kids. I have found that I really can't have anything in this house and that bothers me on a whole new level. This is a level that I am not sure how to fix, I will have to ponder on it some more.
 I did the whole beg about moving my bedroom again. I had a GREAT plan to exchange bedrooms with the boys, of course I got turned down. "The room is too small, they don't need to be near the back door, our stuff would not fit" so on and so forth. When I calmly rebuffed every one of his excuses he moved to just flat out "NO"... I tried to explain to him that when I woke I was used to my own room being just that, my private run to place, and that in a month almost I have yet to be comfortable with the fact that I do not have that any more. He said I could move into that room but he was not... I am thinking I just might move the boys in here with him for a few days and see how he likes that.. or hell I don't know. I am just frustrated about this.
 So here is a cheer for the weekend being almost here. Let's have a nice kid free (for alittle while) Friday.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Thursday, whimpers

Thursday starts not with a bang but with a whimper. 
 I was in and out of sleep this morning, being chased by bad men that wanted to find me in the house, first dream that has stuck, really stuck, with me upon waking up. I then had to referee the boys and my nice clean, heavy bedspread had to be washed again, I guess Jonah thought soap and water was not enough so he covered it in Dr. Pepper. I am just praying at this point the rain holds off long enough to get it dry again.
 My Pastor came by yesterday to check in on me and brought with him his youngest son. OMG that is one adorable kid! I almost feel bad for everyone that knows me but I don't remember, the Pastor goes "do you remember me from Band Practice last week?" "Yes, sir... I have short term memories intact." He, of course, encouraged me to come back soon, and I am making plans. Jay said he would go with me at first which is nice. Maybe Sunday we will see. I am going to take the kids to band practice tonight and we will see how that goes.
 I started on my book yesterday. I realized quickly this is going to take some research, which is not a bad thing I love homework now that I am a adult. I have the outlines for the charters laid out and for the most part the plot. At first I am going to keep it simple but I am sure it will change as I get to writing. I am excited, honestly, to see how this turns out. It will be interesting, even if it is for my eyes only.
 So, we are busy with chores, and the what not else of day to day life. I am out of Pepsi so I hear a trip to the store calling me soon, with all 3 kids ugh... I am going to try hard today to stay positive, even though I am tired....

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Wiped OUT

Yesterday was not a bad day, I got a lot more done than I had planned which is always a good thing. 
 I woke this morning tho just wiped out. I have no energy, no strength, nothing. I am also hurting from the soles of my feet to my hair, got to love Fibromyalgia. I am thinking that today is going to be one of those days that I HAVE to do nothing but rest. I am great at planning things, and saying, no I am gonna do nothing but rest, and like all great plans of mice and men, it looks good on paper, never in reality.
 I finished reading the first book on my list of things to read since I woke up. I was amazed in myself, it was 600 pages long and I had it completely finished in a day and a half. Jay said we had my reading tested earlier this year and I read damn near 500 words a minute. I guess then that it should not surprise me that I ran right through a book in no time.
 I was not hit with bad dream night before last and slept like a rock, that is why yesterday was a good day I am sure of it, but last night I was chased every hour around the hour on the clock. I can't begin to tell you how much I hate that. It is not the dreams so much as it is the fact that I can't remember what terrified me so much, upon my eyes opening, the dreams fragment and drift away. It is annoying to say the least.
 Ok so I am low on energy, I am going to hop in a shower and see where today lands me. I have a feeling it is going to be a hunker down on the couch watch a movie kind of day. 

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Reloaded :)

This morning I slept in a little later and feel much better. I always feel great first thing in the morning. I am under strict orders not to overdo anything today. I am betting that I was not good at that before so, to me at least, that means do almost nothing. We have a few simple chores to knock out, the normal daily pick up/clean up, but all the heavy lifting is done.
 I have plans to wash my bed sheets and blanket, and they are fixing to be hung out now to dry in the pleasant sunlight of the day. I want to play my game on the PS2 for a while, and I started over on Jay's favorite game that is online. I want to start on my book today as well... even if I only get the outline done I think I will find satisfaction in it. 
 I have to remind myself that I am not super woman, and even if I was, even she had to take her cape off every now and again, if only to wash her hair. So, now I will take my cape off and have a hair washing day. It is always darkest before the dawn, and if you want to appreciate the sunrise then you have to struggle through the night.  

Monday, November 14, 2011


So after a long day with chores and children, Jay gets home early and says "make a list I will go grocery shopping". He has done all our shopping since I woke up. Well tonight I make a list and he gets phone call after phone call and the computer is more important than I am. So finally he tells me "stop being a bitch and make the list, go yourself". Okay, Fine.... by then I am angry and tired. I inform him that I would go but there was no need to hurt my feelings. 
 I guess I can drive the van perfectly, especially when pissed off. I made it to the store and through shopping. I ran into a fellow church member and that was not pleasant. I am tired of being confused, I am tired of nothing making sense. I am tired of doing things that feel right then getting questioned about why I did this or that.. for instance, I was mad a Jay when I left the house so on the way out of the store I thought "hey let's grab him a candy bar and make up" so I grabbed a Payday. I had no idea why I got that one over say a chocolate one but that was the one that stood out. So I get home and get 20 questions on "do you remember?" blah blah blah... umm No I don't, but tonight I wish to heaven I did!
 I am also tired as hell that I do not have a bedroom, I have a den that I sleep in, not a sanctuary to run to but a freaking living room. I hate it with all that is in me to hate! I have begged and pleaded and urged and begged some more to no avail...I may end up moving my bed to the living room since no on is in there ever anyway! It is totally an aaawww fuck me night I think. 
 So, now to do dinner and head to bed I think, just as soon as I run the kids out for the night. 


It begins again, a new week. I did nothing much yesterday. We girls kicked the boys arse on the fire challenge Saturday and got called cheaters. Jay had agreed to the rules before but he and Jesse are sore losers I guess. 
I played my game Sunday and helped *by supervising* expand the chicken's coop. 
 This Monday I have been up since before 7am and gotten a LOT done. The laundry got behind months ago *according to Jay* but with no dryer I have no way to catch up on it. I am reduced to hanging the clothes out, which is fine, saves on the light bill, but takes a long time to get them dry, and it is murder on  my back. I am staying just a head of what we need on a daily basis but not getting caught up. I got Jami to straighten up the kitchen and then both the big kids helped me kick out my bedroom which is more like a den with a bed in it than a bedroom since that is where we all are 98% of the time if we are awake. 
 I am getting so frustrated with the children, as bad as this reads, but being with them all the time is draining. I find myself wondering how I did it before and stayed sane. I guess in a way I did not do it to well since I lost my memory. They are not bad children, but they are children. I ask Jay about it and he said he has no advice but that I always just handled it. Jami said "It's called being a Mother, deal with it".... what can I say to that? All three of them have been pushing my buttons today. 
 I am still getting chased by nightmares at night, and I wish I was not, it makes for a LONG night with only snatches of sleep. I can never recall what scares me in the dreams upon waking I just wake terrified, with my heart pounding. 
 So now it is afternoon and I feel my game calling my name. I need to let it all go for a while. 

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Saturday's Challenge

So, Saturday has slipped in nice and easy. 
 We have no real plans for the day. I promised Jami that I would take her to the library today when it opens and we have a girls vs boys challenge to do outside once the temp climbs up above 60ish. Our challenge is: Fire Starting... Jesse does Royal Ranger's which is the christian version of Boy Scouts. I told him that Jami and he could both do fires today and it would be a challenge with the winner getting a prize. Jay said he could do it better and faster so this kids thing very quickly became a team thing. It is Jay, Jesse, Jonah vs Jami and I. 
 The rules are simple, we have 15 minutes to set up our fires, and gather our supplies.. after the 15 minute set up we can gather no more. We are not allowed to use matches or a lighter. 18 inches over our fire pit will be a thread or string that the fire must reach and burn through to win this challenge. Points are won and lost on how long it takes to get the fire started and how well the fires are set up.
 Jesse is going with a magnifier to start his and I have a fire starter kit that I will use. This kit is a little key chain item that you shave some of the soft metal off the side then you strike your knife on the other side *which has a spark thing* and poof you have flame. I figure I will have it started in 90 seconds flat, Jess and Jay will be at the mercy of the sun. All and all this should prove interesting.
 I have no intentions of doing anything more useful today. I was feeling much better yesterday but then Jami's guinea pig was sick and passed away. Jami ask Jay to help her bury it, and he yelled at her, I will tell you that set every single one of my mommy senses off all at once. I know that Jami can be demanding and sarcastic and so forth but she is still just a little girl for all her bravo. So I got up and put my shoes on and went out to the backyard with a "your an ass" tossed over my shoulder at Jay. Now where we live the ground is red clay with about 5 inches of soil on top, there for the first few inches comes out easy and then you hit the red clay which it is hard as hell. So, I proceeded to dig this whole.... OUCH!  I am paying for it today. Jay did come out and finish up for us but I was pissed at him for upsetting Jami at that point. That is how our night started, then the kids piled up on the bed with me and we all watched a couple of comedy shows, that is how our night ended. Not a bad ending. 
 So, let's rock this Saturday. I have a challenge to win and a few boys to make cry. It is going to be a good day.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Friday Rules:

It's Friday, and with it comes a new set of rules... 
 (A) Friday Rules! because it is Friday and the end of the week and I get kid free time and and and
 (B) We have all the chores done and are ready to rock this day before 10am.
 (C) The weekend is almost here and I am looking forward to it.

 I did nothing yesterday, I laid in bed played my game and did NOTHING. I think I needed that. I feel much more lucid today and until you have dealt with a couple of foggy days you have no idea how nice it is to be clear. I slept in late today, Jay tried to wake me but after being chased by dreams again, I refused to move at 7am.
 I have a puzzle that is in a bag unopened. I looked around the house and I see a ton of framed puzzles, at my Mother's there are at least 10 different framed wolf puzzles. Jay said I have given her new ones every year for Christmas. I guess I love them, so that is what I am going to work on today while the kids are away. 
 I was working on my game but I am stuck at a large boss fight and it is all but impossible to play this game with Jesse home, I love him and he tries so hard to help but ... yeah.. No. *smile*.
 So I have to take the kids to my mother in law today, I know where she lives (Jay drove me past there) but I have not been inside since I have woke up. I have to defrag her computer.. what is it with old people and computers now? I learned my Grandmother has one, and what's more she emails me ... just WOW is all I can say I guess.
 When I met the pastor of my church he said that it is our spirit that brings to remembrance all the things we have heard or learned about Christ and the bible. This rings with truth, for me at least, since I can not recall by myself anything I have learned from church in the last 3 years but when I am most in need of comfort the Bible versus that means most to the situation at hand comes to mind. Or maybe it is all in there and it comes out when it is most needed... either way it is confirmed with me when I get things like this: "Proverbs 13:10 Arrogance causes nothing but trouble. It is wiser to ask for advice."  Since I know I have been asking, begging, and bugging the ever loving out of my loved ones for advice. I know that I woke up different, the same me but different, and I would not ever want to seem arrogant .... I will keep asking then.  I will not say that I sold out to religion, or church or whatever, I will say however, that it is comforting for me to have these versus that come to mind. I know that my friends (since they all have told me this) felt... jealous as it was. I was going somewhere with this and they were not there with me, and could not be there with me since it did not mean as much to them as it did to me. For that I am sorry, but I love them all and they will always be my candle light in the darkest hours... I can, today at last, see why and how my church and God played so big into my life. I can now feel something missing. I am now making plans to return to church soon, since I am physically on the mend. I will not promise to be less involved in religion than I was in the past, but I will and do PROMISE this: I will never forget my friends, I will always LOVE you with all that is in my heart, I will never be at a place that I can't come for you if you need me. Read these words, and understand, accept and be happy, I will NEVER leave you behind! NEVER!
 I wish I could type that I got this, no problem, and let's move on, but the truth of the matter is I am still going day by day. Everyday is a new challenge that I have to face. I can honestly say that I am now able to go day by day instead of minute by minute or hour by hour. That in and of itself is a great thing. I have climbed off my cross, and taken the wood to build the bridge into the future... though the bridge is not finished, not by a long shot, I can say with a smile this morning that it is started and it is solid. When this bridge is done it will be so stable, built with love, endurance, hard work, patience, tears, some heartache, and.............. a really big fucking hammer... *smile*...
Here we go to start the weekend...

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

All Done

I'm done for. I spent the day being more confused than I can ever remember *grand total of 2 weeks and one day*.
 I had it in my brain to scrub the kitchen, the stove and oven. I got the stove done with no problem, took the racks out of the oven moved them to be cleaned and scrubbed the oven. The time had come to cook dinner, I spent 20 minutes on the floor trying to figure out how the racks went back in the oven..... let's just say I was reduced to tears by the time I got it figured out, but I did get them back in.
 I am at a low spot tonight, lower than I have been since I woke up. I feel like I have needed so much support in the last couple weeks that it is pathetic. I feel pitiful, and sad. I am bone tired and my brain is refusing to work right. (Even as I key this out I am having to back up because I keep making mistakes.) I feel useless and weak. 
 The Why's have set in big time tonight too and we know the why's don't have answers. Why me? Why did I deserve this? Why must I keep going this path? Why have my memories not come back? Why can I stand on my own 2 feet and not feel abandoned? Why, oh god, WHY can't any of it make sense???? Because tonight nothing makes much sense. 
 I have taken a hot shower, and I have retreated to my bed. I fully intend to call it an early night and I am praying that tomorrow will be much better, because if it is not I don't know how much more I can bear......

Stranger and Stranger

I was not going to do a blog post today. It is day 15 and I felt that I had whined enough.  
I got through the morning but as the day is wearing on I find I am in a strange mood and place. I feel out of sorts, I am searching for words that are in my head but refuse to come out of my mouth, I can't spell things like I normally would, I feel blue and just in a daze. Jay said it is "Fibro-fog"... oh joy.
 I have refused to look up anything on fibromyalgia up to this point because I felt I have enough on my plate to deal with. I guess today I will have to look into it since it seems that I can't even think straight. 
 I am tired too, even after sleeping last night. I know that I overdid it Monday but I did nothing yesterday at all but rest. I am just not liking this place that I have found myself today. I plan on gutting the kitchen and scrubbing the hell out of everything high and low, we will see how that goes. Right now I just want to have a really good cry and go back to bed. 
 It is not a good day....

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Day 14

We have hit the 2 week mark. Today I slept in later than I have in the last 2 weeks. I am trying to assemble what I have learned in the last 2 weeks.
 I have learned I am not 19, I have 3 kids, we bought a house, I work hard every day, and that I am NOT super MOM/woman.
 I got a visit from a best friend this morning. I was so happy to see him! Something familiar in this world of new, but it has me sad today too. It reminds me of how much I have missed since I was sleeping, of how much things have changed. Now granted they are not all bad changes but changes that I slept through none the less.
 So, I over did it yesterday and I am paying the price today. I ache from bottom to top.  So I am going to do the one thing I promised Jesse I would do for him and then since Jay is home sick, I am going to return to my bed. I hope to play my game, unplug and maybe just sleep for a while. 

Monday, November 7, 2011

Ending day 13

To day I got a ton of cleaning done. Cleaning to the point of overdoing... I know I could kick my own ass, and I am paying the price for it now.
 The dryer which Jay thought he had fixed is not fixed, so 6 loads of clothes later, washed, hung out, dried, and all but one folded. I tore Jay's huge desk apart, the computers and everything. I took the drawers out and cleaned them. I scrubbed the desk, floor, the computer monitors, and hit the wall behind the desk too. I made it to the store and grabbed clothe pins. 
 I am so tired now I could cry. I need to just let it all go, so I took a nice long bath, and have retired to my bed to rest. I hear a zone out time coming with my game, and when my pain pill kicks in I hear an early bed time calling my name. 
 So until in the morning, good night sweet prince (or princess if you swing that way).

Day 13

I woke today with a nagging headache, and in an almost panic since nightmares were chasing me in  my dreams again. They seem so real and the fear that cause just roars at me. The second my eyes open tho they fracture and drift away in pieces. I was in and out of sleep all night. At one point my 6 year gets up, walks through my room and out the back door! He must sleep walk, I ask Jay but Jay sleeps so heavily that he would not know. So today I will venture out and get a chain for my back door.
 Yesterday was a very busy day for me. We got alot of my list knocked out. Jay built me a new shelf and moved my TV closer to my bed so that I can play my game. I now don't have to worry about getting bumped or having a child trip on the cord. I had the PS3 go wireless, which is oh so nice! The last detail was he did not run the cable to the cable box but I have internet so Netflix will cover me for now. 
 He also managed to fix the dryer which had died on us last week but I told him I want to keep the clothes lines up for now for the heavy things, let's see if we can bring the light bill down some. 
 I have a good bit of things to do today. I am going to pace myself to try to get as many done as I can. At least now I have an escape for if I get overwhelmed at lunch time. I have been playing Final Fantasy 10 and I LOVE THIS GAME! **thanks A**
 Tomorrow makes the 2 week mark, I had hoped that my memories would come back. Since I am still in the dark, we it were, I think it is time to move forward step by step. If they never come back then we will start anew, and today that does not scare me as much as it did. Jonah got on bed with me early this morning and ask "Mom you better now?" I responded with "yes" and he then ask "did your memories come back Mommy?" I had to say no but then I cover that with "but it is ok baby because I love you to pieces anyway even without memories". "MOM! How you know you love me if you don't remember?!" I had to smile. Love, Fear, Hate, Anger are all emotions and do not need memory to have them... I explained that as best I could to my little man. To which he replies "well Ok, but you better always remember you love me the bestest!" to precious! It is nice to start the day with a smile.
 Ok so off to start this day, by the crow of the rooster. What a Monday it shall be!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Day 12

This day started at 5am-ish. 
 Jay managed to step outside himself last night, and was going over things in his head. How he would feel, react, and deal. I have had no interest in current affairs as it were. I am still just trying to deal with things of the moment since if I try for more I go into overload fast. I woke to find that my Grandfather, his Grandfather (whom I was very close to, as close to as my own, this one raised my father pretty much) and his Grandmother all passed away. No, not recently, but recently for me. So, last night Jay stopped going "Oh, my poor wife, what can I do to make it better, or fix it , or what ever" and was trying to step into my shoes... I was, honestly, amazed. After he picked the fight with me over the bedroom, I was done with him for a while. Jay admitted that he would have been devastated, and would not have coped as well as I have, that means so much to me! 
 So ok the bedroom is still a mess but we can sort it out today. We did move the bed but found last night neither of us can sleep with it the way it is so, we must move it again.
 Here is the funny for the day. I adopted a little black spaz of a cat.. that sleeps with us, well.. you wake up at 5 am and the kids are still asleep the house is silent what do you do? SPOONS! So, without giving you all the details you don't want, we put the cat on the floor and got to snuggling, and in the middle of an intense romantic moment.... Benny *the kitten* decided we were playing an new game with him, so he proceeded to jump on the bed and stay out of arms reach while attacking any piece of the blanket that moved! Now I ask you, how can you stay involved in the moment and serious when a kitten is jumping on your feet? I couldn't and laughed my little ass off!
 Jay is off to McDonald's for breakfast so today will be a better day than yesterday..

Saturday, November 5, 2011

If it was done...

If it was done when it was done, then it was best that it was done quickly...
Let's close Day 11 with a very frustrated sigh....
I got nothing I wanted to do done, NOTHING. I got the bedroom half clean and then Jay argues with me over the rearranging it. Argued with me to the point of giving me a tension headache... to the point where I toss my hands up and go "ok I am done, fuck it". Jay told me I would always wait till he went to work then do as I damn well pleased. I would do that but my bed weighs double me and I can't move it alone. Plus I am still sick which I am sick of being sick! I guess I am just disgusted tonight, and frustrated.
 The bathroom is clean tho, and the kitchen is clean even if it is not deep scrubbed. 
I am still in a some what of a daze... that reads really horrid but the simple truth, all of this, of what is my life, is a lot to take in and it can't be done in just 11 days. I know I need to give myself some breathing room but that is so freaking hard to do. 
 I know I must be frustrating the hell out of those who love me and care enough to talk to me. They have to be tired of talking with me and getting the responses "who, what?". I am personally tired of asking. 
 I, also, have yet to see a couple of family members, have not seen them since I woke up. That is heartbreaking and eye opening all at once. 
 I thought that my heart could not break anymore, and that there were no tears left in me. I was so sure I was done with the down side of this amnesia stuff... I was wrong. So on that note, I am going to bed early and hoping to rise with a better outlook.

Day 11

We started a little later today sometime just after 8. 
I thought it was going to be a bad day since I did not get up to the sound of Pepper crowing but he let a couple out when I stepped out the second time so all it as well as it can be. 
To Do List: (for this weekend) Rearrange my bedroom, 
                                                  Get the dryer working,
                                                  Scrub the bathroom,
                                                  Rearrange the kitchen.
This will be a set of projects spread out over the next 2 days, with Jay's help since if I try to do it alone I will hurt myself. As for my bedroom I want my bed turned to the other side of the room but there is a HUGE fish take in my room that my daughter's oscar lives in so that has to be taken apart an moved. Really a project I can't do alone since it is a 55gallon and, frankly, the fish is big, with a big bad attitude, I refuse to touch the thing. 
 I started the bathroom yesterday, but was exhausted after just the toilet, so the kids have to help me there.
The kitchen is kind of clean but needs a deep scrubbing and I want to rearrange it since it is tiny, and we have no cabinet space. When I say tiny what I mean is you can't have 2 people standing in front of the fridge or the stove at the same time. You can't have some one cleaning and cooking at the same time. It is a one OR the other thing not one AND the other thing.
 I did not do much yesterday, got the kids off, took a long hot shower, scrubbed the toilet and then got lost in the world of Final Fantasy 10. With the way my room is set up now I have to sit on the foot of my bed with a cord run across the room where the kids will trip on it, scary thought! Or I have to put a chair in the middle of the floor so the kids can walk around me, which is a bad idea because they bump the chair, 4ft of space all around me but they have to hit the chair, which in turn jars my whole body and HURTS LIKE HELL. So we must rearrange the room .
  I am falling in love with the game. I am connecting with the hero on a weird way. Don't get me wrong he is a cocky little ass, all great heros are, but he has what every one thinks is amnesia and he goes through a rough time giving the same excuse over and over.. Poor Guy! He of course remembers fine he just got snatched 1000 years forward in time.
 So here's to the start of the weekend, and the bright attitude that I have. Let's go start day 11.... 

Friday, November 4, 2011

Day 10

Hello, Day 10.
 It's Friday! No school work and the kids leave me at lunch time for a couple hours. This Friday I promised myself not to over think. I promised that I will just relax and do nothing but enjoy my free time. 
 My beloved sister of the heart told me yesterday about a game that she says we were in love with. I have been going over everything in this house trying to find something that relaxes me, something that I can do at lunch time when I get overwhelmed to just zone out to for a while. Jesse, my charming big boy is a PS2 freak! he loves his so I ask him "Son did I have a Final Fantasy game that I loved?" So he gives me a great be smile and goes "OH Mom! just wait!" he runs to his room grabs is ps2 and runs back to mine. Now I have seen his TV it is a 13in little dvd combo thing, perfect for a child's bedroom, my tv is a big flat screen Hi-def (what ever in the hell that means) thing. I have no idea on how to hook what ever into it but my son does. So he sets up his ps2 to my tv turns on Final Fantasy 10 and shows me my saved games..... WOW. One is at like 65 hours and so forth. 
 Here we go.. I set down to play, and find out quickly that he loves this game to and is over helpful! "Mom do this, ok go here, now swim there...." or when I would pause to go do something else for a minute or step out to talk on the phone, I would come back in and be in a different place! "Ok Mom, now you are in the trials... they are like an ... ummmm ... A PUZZLE (love his little face when he is searching for the word) and you have to take this sphere to here and that one to there and OH DON'T FORGET THE DESTRUCTION ONE! if you don't get all the destruction ones then you don't get the final aeon".... *sigh* so I turned it off but I will pick it back up when they leave today.
 I did manage to get 2 hours in and even with Jesse telling me bits and pieces of the plot I am enchanted with the what will happen. The hero of this game gets attacked by a big boss guy (Jesse's words) then he wakes up 1000 years later in a different place. I so feel for him. If he were real and here I would hug him and take him out for a beer so we could talk. I know exactly how he must feel! I can't wait to see if the hero learns to live in the moment. 
 So this begins day 10... 

Thursday, November 3, 2011

The end of day 9...

Has found me wondering WTH?!?!
 Had a normal, at least normal as far as the last week goes, day with the children. I had to do some make shift clothes lines because the dryer is dead. Jay promised to look at it come Saturday so I guess I really did not need to do laundry anyway, we have clean clothes for tomorrow so I am going to let that one go. 
 The kids had band practice and Jay decided I needed to go with him because he was taking them. Not a good idea. I know that I can't stay in hiding forever but I did not feel up to it and could not get out of it. So I went, after almost having a panic attack because all of my clothes are to big now (so not going there tonight), and I got to meet the kids teachers as well as the Pastor of the Church. 
 Pastor John tells me not to beat up on myself because most people don't remember half of what he says, I was kind of like .."well, ok I don't remember anything you have said so that makes me special". This pastor is very relaxed, he came to the church wearing pajama pants, a tee shirt, and crocks (*blinks* when did men start wearing those?). He seems grounded enough, Jay think's he is ok, and I must have too. Jay showed me my classroom, he said I did the paint and remodel with shelves and made sure we had heaters for it last year that were electric and NOT gas. As we were walking out the door I reached without looking and locked it, as if I had done it a hundred thousand times, Jay ask "how did you know to do that?" I did not know, as it were, it was a habit that I must have kept.... I guess that proves that somethings are still in there somewhere. I spent the better part of today tracking down a radio that I could see in my mind, one of those CD/Radio/Cassette combo's. It was a crystal clear picture but it was no where in the house. We found it in my classroom. This gives me hope, which I was lacking the last few days, that maybe the memories will come back with time.
 So tonight finds me tired, and hurting, since it is fixing to rain. I am trying not to be angry at Jay for insisting that I go with him tonight but I am not sure how I am feeling honestly. It would seem the more I learn the less I really know, or at the very least, the more I learn the more I still need to learn. 

Day 9

Day 9 is here. 
 I really thought by now I would be running out of things I wanted to type out. I would be out of words, or things that I would want to share as it were, but that has not happen, I found the more I type the more I want to type. 
 We have a decent size backyard that is all fenced in and we have a good amount of pets. The pets at first freaked me out but I have gotten used to them, I will not go so far as to say I love them all but Jami does and that is enough. I think the oddest of the pets we have would have to be the chickens.... From what I have been told, my sister in law got them for the kids for Easter. She got 3 for my kids and 2 for her boys. Jay said that she kept them while we were on vacation. When we came home we got all 5 because the little babies kept my brother up all night chirping. So we have 5 of them. They have names and they come to the porch when I am out to be held, or petted. I am not sure they are aware of the fact that they are chickens and should not act that way. The kids named them: Salt, Pepper, Peck (Jonah tells me all she did as a chick was peck, peck, peck), Dumpling (Jami has a kind of twisted sense of humor sometimes), and Neo (Jesse's favorite movie is "The Matrix"). Jami said I named Salt and Pepper ... so OK. Anyway I said all that to say this. I have been getting up with Jay every morning and starting my day early. We got the chicks in April so they are still young, the Rooster does not know how to crow at the dawn yet, and for the last week he has been trying every morning. I have found it a real joy to listen to him and hear the changes. At first he sounded like a whoopie cushion or something, but this morning he almost has it.
 Of all the other pets in the house I am still finding the kitten we have to be the most fun, just because he seems to have adopted me and is spastic as hell. Plus he is mean, he will attack anything that moves, and sleeps with me at night... I say that but the truth is this tiny little black cat will wait till Jay is snoring and then sneak up beside HIM to cuddle at night. 
  I was worried about Jesse so I had Jay talk to him. Funniest thing in the world happen last night... well, it was funny to me. Jami had gone to church with my Grandmother and when she got home she must have decided she needed to rebuke Jay for how he talked to her brother. I almost fell of my bed laughing my ass off. Jay handled it very well though, much better than I think I would have if a 12 year old decided to get on to me. Jay told Jess and Jami that they need to be aware of the fact I am sick, and that it was not on purpose. That I would never hurt them out of spite but that with amnesia I get overwhelmed and will for a little while more. Jay told them that if I got to much heaped on me at once in all the things he has read that 50% of all people that go through this just simply pack a bag and leave. He reminded them that I love them, and that we don't want me to leave so they needed to think before they speak and help me as much as possible. "To lay aside all the anger they have and let's start over". Jess took this to mean I would leave them, Jami told him I never would, but decided to call Jay to the carpet for upsetting Jesse. *shakes head* I would NEVER have called my dad to the carpet at 12 ... now I know I pulled a lot onto myself at that age to save my siblings from getting into trouble but I would never have been able to correct my parents as it were... I am glad she did this for it tells us that she is comfortable talking to us, and she did it in a polite, respectful manner ... sooooooo I must have done something right. What's more I was amazed that Jay did his homework! 
 Jay has really stepped up and is the man I had always prayed he would be, it is nice to know that I got this right from the start. I know that my marriage has not been all rainbows and roses but we do have love and that covers a multitude of sins... 
 Both the boys got up with me this morning and I found out the hard way I am VERY jealous of my hour first thing in the morning that is quiet and I get to do me things. I was playing referee before 7:30 am.. That will  not happen again. 
 I woke this morning with a song stomping through my head, it is a song I am not familiar with so I am not sure if it is one I liked before I forgot or one I have heard in the last 9 days and like now. (Talk about a mind fuck.) I had Jesse help me look it up and I do indeed love this song it is "I can do bad all by myelf" by Mary J. Blige. 
So I am ready to start Day 9 and I will leave you with this song..

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

The end of day 8...

I was not feeling it at 6:30am and I am still not feeling it at 6:30pm today.
 I wonder when the day will come that I don't get a shock. I know that at some point in time I will find out all there is to know about this life that I have woke up to, at this point I am just praying that this day comes fast!
 I wanted to cook dinner tonight, really cook, since I have yet to do that. I made plans and then I get company.
  I got to meet my brother's oldest son Gabriel today. He is so cute! and so full of questions "Aunt Jo-jo why you got sick? Aunt Jo you still love me? Aunt Jo where is Jay?" I am a wreck. I really wonder what I will have to do to get the people in my family to LISTEN to the words that I use.. as in "No company please, and please keep the children away for a little while.."  So I put on my best game face. They left and I come in to cook. That was another mistake I guess.... I could not find anything, Jami, my beloved scatter brained child was very little help. 
 So I muddled through re-fried rice, and when Jay gets in I will do the sausage for us. I am just sitting now and trying not to break down in tears again. 
 We started school again Monday and for the last 3 days it has been going Okay I guess. I do wonder how I did this every day and did not go totally freaking insane. I know that I love these children very much but I am drained in every aspect of that word. Mentally I am exhausted, physically I am in agony if I am awake, I can take pain pills but they make me want to just sleep, emotionally I am just overwhelmed. I wish I had the words to explain in all the details the way this feels and is, the words to convey that it is a nightmare of the waking kind. I have gotten to where I do not cry in front of the children but found that I NEED to cry, which makes it interesting since I am always with the children. I guess that proves I really did not have a life away from them, and I don't know if that is an awesome thing or a really freaking pathetic thing.
 *shakes head* at least I remember how to cook, the rice turned out GREAT and the sausage is doing it's thing now. I think I am going to get a really good dinner in me, take something for pain and find my bed. At least there is relief in sleep.

Day 8

*Yawn* this getting up early stuff is for the birds! *grumbles* 
Today I have to go out of the house to run an errand, I am so less than thrilled. I know, they have told me, that I drove the mini-van with easy and grace... I just don't see it, but I will today.
 On top of it is cold out today! It has been cold most mornings and that is not working for me either. 
I am full of complains today. I did not want to get up but I know I needed too. I am not sure I wanted too do a blog entry either but have found since I have start writing every morning this is working better than a therapist. I think I will only be taking the "day #" to 14 ... 2 weeks is plenty of time for this kind of whining. I may move back to an "Alice" based one or go in a new direction. 
 I have decided to write a book on this experience, and found a good bit of encouragement so I started research on that yesterday. I did not leave my bed much yesterday was just in to much agony.
 I think maybe the weirdest thing for me thus far is not knowing what each day will bring. And this is only the 3rd day of schooling the kids so we don't have a set in concrete schedule yet.  (sighs)

It is HUMP day and I think I am going to have to hump my way past it, I have a serious case of the blah's today.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Do I not speak English anymore?

That is my question tonight. Is it suddenly that others can't get the words that I use?
I say "please no company right now I don't feel up to it I will make house calls when I am well again" and a well meaning friend of my husbands show up anyway to see if I remember him when I have already said I don't. Sorry but seeing your bald middle age person does not trigger anything in my head..... 
 Jay had to call my doctor's office today to speak with the person that handles the prescriptions, and he said he did not fuss but got results, then his mother calls me to rebuke me for him stepping in.. WTF?! First off I do not control Jay, 2nd I was hurting so bad I could not think straight, and had called the doctor's office 3 times today, (I have been out of the prescription I need for 2 days, even breathing was a chore) 3rd the mother in law tells me she called for me and knew it all... what is up with that? when did we allow her to get involved in MY stuff? The answer is never. 
 Ok on that rant, I am medicated, can breathe easily now, and I am taking my tired butt to bed. I am still not looking forward to Jay having to leave me every morning, but I am looking forward to the morning when it becomes well and truly ok.

Day 7

Day 7 finds me ... in an odd place. It has been a full week since I have woke up to my life as it is, I hope I am coping well. I got an email from a name on my contact list that I do not remember but Jay filled me in on the details of that. She is my pastor's wife and we were close. She has 2 boys that are the same age as my boys. I guess I need to call her or email her. I am thinking that email will be the safest for me right now. It was strange, I know from my sent folder in my mail box that she and I talked alot, but I don't remember. Jay encouraged me to email her back so after I do this blog entry I may. 
 We made it through a full school day yesterday, and got some of the other chores done that I wanted to get done. I however was doing laundry and almost lost it. This is the sad part, I don't know who's clothes belong to whom... I don't even know my own clothes, and the more I folded the more frustrated I became. I had to finally leave it for Jami to come help me with, the next couple loads I folded I just placed in several piles for the others in the house to help me sort out.
 Jesse, the quiet one that I have not fussed at in a week, showed some anger yesterday at what has happened. On the one hand it breaks my heart to have hurt him this way, on the other I did not do it on purpose and I am relieved that he is letting it out. I know from personal experience not to hold it in.
 Jay says that he is finding the personality change in me to be interesting but not in a bad way. The kids tell me that I was very easy going before but now I have no tolerance for them acting out. As Jami puts it: "you are not the hello kitty Mommy that you were before." I don't guess this would be a total bad thing. I mean I must have done okay because they are well mannered children but I also must have put up with a LOT on a personal level and with in the few days that has come to a screeching halt. I do not feel the urge to "spank" them or to hit them but I am quick to cut off any rants they have. The kids and I have spoke alot in the last couple days and we are finding balance with this. I think I am finally finding balance within myself.
 I know that this road is long and winding, I know that I am not done with this journey, but I think I have also learned again that I CAN DO THIS! It is not the end of the world just a new beginning for me.