Monday, January 23, 2012

It's not enough ....No rewind button

So I can't sleep and it is almost dawn. I decided I needed to write it out and to see if it will be less threatening out loud.
  So what do you do when all you have is not enough? I am not obsessing here, I promise. I am not over thinking here, I swear. The question is valid. I am more than just any single one of the hats I wear on a daily basis, according to everyone that knows me swear I wear less hats now than I did in October, and none or all or any of them are enough. Is it wrong for me to feel like it is not enough? Is it wrong to want more or maybe less of what you are dealing with?  Is it wrong to want to have a friend that you can really call up at 2am to help you unravel your latest hangup even when you are in your 30's and have insomnia? Is it wrong to be ready to give up even after you just woke up so to speak?
 So you give up fighting to go to sleep and you deal. You catch up on some reading, blog, decide that brownies after midnight are never a good idea (heartburn sucks), you give up on rebelling about wearing your glasses in bed and put the damn things back on so you can see what the hell the words you are typing really look like. 
 I have tried talking to Jay and all he gets is "Oh no Joni is bitching at me again" and that was so NOT my intention at all. So now I have it all bottled and it is about to roll out in spades! I feel like I have whined to all my friends, the ones I kept in the loop, so much how could I possibly dump the "I am thinking about divorce" on them... or the fact that I am still a wreck. I have locked out a lot of others in my life, mostly family, because I just can't deal with them. Sounds harsh, selfish, and all kinds of self-serving but that is what it is. That is how I feel, I can't deal *shrugs*. 
 Played a game with the boys Saturday called "Tekken". They begged, said I loved it and was good at it.....MISTAKE. Ok so yeah I tried, and was great with it in the begining but it was a team battle, basically you pick 8 charters and go after the other guys 8 charters. By the time I got done I was so tense I could not think straight.... so I go out to the store, oh god, another big mistake! Don't ask me why but it was and made me more tense and anxious. 
 Ohh hell, maybe it is hormones, maybe it is the weather, I wish I knew. I have spent Sunday in bed because I felt so bad. Just, achy, bloated, and just ugh. Yeah I know it is never a good idea to lay around for a whole day but that is all I felt like doing... I did do 5 loads of laundry, found my bed, and stayed in it all day. Jay took the kids out trying to be nice but in the hour and a half he was gone I took care of 4 phone calls and 2 visitors! Even when they are not with me I have no down time I am always busy. I so need to work on that!
   I have decided that life needs a rewind button like streaming movies. We all need a way to back up and do it over. We need a way to reset the score. WHAT?! You did not know? or You were not brave enough to say it? Well Kido's in the cold morning light let me tell you we all keep score, men and women... we just keep it differently. Men are so fast to give themselves BIG points for doing nothing..really they do. He gets up to goes to work, he gets GREAT bonus points.... Ladies get up tend to the kids all day, and get 1 point, and in turn ladies give him 1 point. So by the end of the day he is way up on points and feels fine vegging out in front of the technological device to give us time to "catch up". Wrong, yeah I know, and ya know what I agree it is wrong, but is that the way it is? OH yeah!  
  So... where does after 8 am find me? Tired but not sleepy, looking at a long day but not daunted. As 8 rounds the corner to 9 am I am just sitting still and trying to remember to breathe.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Finding confidence ....

Hit kind of a low again yesterday, was partly because I did not sleep well the night before and more over because I am still in the process of but that is Okay today.
 So we live and learn..... sometimes the road ahead means you have to back up a bit to correct something to move forward. So that is what I did, I had a conversation with Jay on Sunday of the last week and I felt so much better, but all he got from it was I was bitching at him. That was not the way I saw it, I was speaking but ummm so he got the bitching and decided why bother to do anything basically since all I would do is fuss. I had to explain to him that I was not fussing I was speaking to the ADULT in my life. That went well and we are better, well, I feel better today.
 Jay made an interesting point that I must take time consider: I have cut every other adult out of my life thus far. I have no urge to see or deal with my siblings or parents. While this is just so odd, and mind-blowing to Jay, for me it makes sense in a way. To my heart I only left home 8 months or so ago and HELL NO I am not ready to get involved in that again. My siblings, and parents are wonderful and I love them dearly but it has always been "Let Joni, or Joni can or Joni this, that and the other". Right now it is all I can do to handle me so I am putting me first much as that is killing Jay and my family.
 I was so blue and wound up in myself yesterday and I was angry with Jay and everything. I ask Jay if all we are is "Mom" and "Dad". His answer was yes for the next 12 years... my reply is that is not enough. He was confused but here is the explanation " I can be a fantastic mother, friend, wife, sister, so forth but I am more than just those titles". Basically I wanted him to see that I was more and that he HAS to be more for me than just the father of my children. I refuse to stay locked in a marriage where I am just the non-paid maid, and I told him if that is all he wants "go hire a maid your life will be easier since she will not bitch at you when  you fuck up". I think he understood, time will tell. 
 I am not running which for me is amazing since I don't really see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. I was so low on self esteem yesterday. I just felt trapped and bruised. I am better today and I am now ready to make a game plan for a smoother time in the future. I am not running, we have to much time and love invested to give up now. Something must have been there to keep me here for over 14 years. Now my job is to find that something again, even if I have to tear down the walls and destroy everything in my path. Today I find that I can do this. 

"I didnt think to bring a wash cloth
And rub away the dirt
Myself and I we share
This barely beating heart of hurt

... And when the hurt comes theres an argument,
A fight to save a smile
A small attack on human tears
To dry them for a while

A dream we all should count on ;
Yeah a vision I believe
Where confidence is found
Attached to wires on our sleeve

Where loneliness is history
Told to pack his shit and leave
Where guidance is a fortune
Told to help in time of need

And where crying isn't secret
It's the art of how we grieve
And lessons are the key
To every goal I will acheive
I will achieve."

~drilled a wire through my cheek~ Blue October

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Stitches on the horizon, calm as a cucumber, and I got pulled over!

I have learned that when something that can be called an emergency happens I go numb, and it is not till hours later that I can let it out. Jesse was out in the yard today, stepped on a broken vase, the other part snapped up and gave him a nice gash on the ankle. Jonah screams "Mommy! Jesse is bleeding." I get up and look, see the kid is walking fine so I tell him to come to me. Personal opinion here if they can walk to you they are not dying. So... I take one look at his ankle and report "you have earned yourself a trip to the ER for stitches congratulations" I called Daddy, ask him to keep James and Jonah, got a lecture of how it needs just super glue, what are we in the '20s???? Called Jay with a "I am taking Jess to get stitches I will call you when I get home" I then get a lecture from Jay on the kid should have had on pants and blah blah blah. I took all this in stride with a dead pan expression since honestly I was not feeling JACK! 
 Got the kid to the ER, the doctor agreed it needed 3 stitches, and 90 minutes after walking in the door we are headed home. They wrote a proscription for a pain killer since the place he cut his ankle will be pulled and so forth. On to the drugstore we go, our normal one does not have it in stock, Wal-mart was out as well so we hit CVS, I so do not like that one at all, but they had it and in between his ankle beginning to wake up, the pharmacist holding 3, yes really 3 different conversations at once while trying to check us in, I was informed it would be an hour to get it ready....FINE!
 So, I take Jess home get his leg propped up, and wait a while then, I broke one of Jay's rules but what ever, I took Jonah and head back to grab Jesse's Rx. Then, as if today could not suck any worse, I get pulled over because we have a crack in the windshield of the van. I was angry, and by then tired and just uuuuuuuugggggggg!! So I got a warning and I have to have it fixed. Got to the pharmacy, picked up Jess's Rx then made it home. 
 I did breakfast for dinner, I have medicated my big boy since he just has to get up and walk on his ankle, I now am planning to lay down and watch a movie.  I am not numb now so I could cry with Jesse. On top of I am feeling ignored by Jay tonight he came in, hit his computer and that was all she wrote for us. What a screwed up day!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

A forgotten love, Oh no I think I missed a step, just blah

Wednesday finds me struggling again, wondering will the struggle ever end? I know that in my life I am missing a few things, one of which is church but every time I plan to go back I go into almost panic mode. I am not ready and I know this upsets Jami greatly but I am doing the best I can. I am not sure if that makes me sad or just blah. Oh, yeah, the blahs have set in badly. I don't know how to snap out of them no matter how hard I try. 
 I feel out of sorts again, I would have thought, in fact I did think that I was done with the ups and downs of the amnesia episode but I'm not..... Maybe if the memories had come back I would be but since that has not happened I can only do as I have been doing, going day by day. Sometimes just hour by hour is the hardest struggle. Nights like tonight it is really "Oh No! I think I missed a step again".. something is not there that I feel should be.. something is missing or just off. I feel like I don't know if I should go right or left. I feel like any decision I make will be a mistake so I sit back and do nothing. By doing nothing I get aggravated since I would rather be busy any day, I hate to feel like I am twiddling my thumbs.... 
 On to my forgotten love..... I have a friend that I have known for around 12 years... that I lost in October, not as in dead as in I don't remember him at all. I have spoken to him weekly and my heart knows him *if that makes any sense* but my mind is blank. Over the last couple months we have built a rapport, I am so at ease with speaking to him. I can't help but feel like something is missing... my heart breaks every time I talk to him. I know that we had a past relationship that made it to a life long friendship, I know this because I have been told by others and my heart confirms it to me but in my head there is nothing. I can't begin to explain how screwed up that can make you if you think a lot over nothing like I do. 
 The what if's have been kicking my ass again in all area's and in this one doubly so. I have been meaning to call up Paul for over a week now and ask straight out. I finally did today. The question that stumped me badly, the one I was terrified earlier to give utterance, the BIG one (for me at least): "Why bother?" I guess I needed reassuring from all angles ... I had to know. He said what I needed to hear tho and that makes me feel so much better. I am terrified honestly, that since I woke up I am a different person, I am not who I was before October, I am not so vastly different but I damn sure am not the same.  What if (yeah yeah the dreaded what if's) he could not love the person I am now? He said that he loves me no matter, yes this is a fucked up situation but when we got matching tattoo's and agreed to be friends forever we never got a iron clad promise that things would not get fucked up. He went on to say that I could not get rid of him even if I tried.. not that I have but ...  as with my other close and much needed friends I was worried they would get tired of having to put me back together, to some extent I am still worried over that even tonight. What if I can't find it in me to love who he is? That one I already have the answer to, thank god!, I do know I love him even if I don't remember. I am more over grateful that emotions do not rely on logic!
 Honestly tho the "What If's" can run rampant on me, and knowing this does now give me the knowledge on how to defy or defeat them. I am at a low tonight that Jay is blaming on hormones and he may be right. Even if it is, that does not change the fact that I am blah and blue. I did a great dinner for the family, and I have retreated to my bed with my music on an MP3, doing my damnest to block it all out for a while. 
 In a world we are all busy and crazy hectic, it never fails to amaze me that we find time to love our friends. Family love is given so easily, we see our family every day and that makes it simple. With our friends we only talk every now and then. We may only get to see each other once in a while, but to know that we still make time to love them even when we can't be closer is at least some what consoling tonight. So here is to love of friends near and far. Plus, here is to the sun coming to banish all my doubts and fears.  

Sunday, January 8, 2012

We are all just works in the progress...

 Have not blogged in a while, I had much to say but did not know how. I dug myself a hole, a BIG, deep, dark, scary hole. One in which I did not know how to get out of, in which I was running out of options fast. I had tried all I knew to do, just short of leaving the family I have or killing myself. I was at my wits end. I had reached out to Jay repeatedly and got rebuffed repeatedly, and harshly I might add. When that failed I fell back to being a sarcastic little bitch, I was horrible I will admit that but when  you beg and plead for attention only to be ignored you will do all you can do to get them to wake up so... not an excuse, just an explanation.  
 Jay tells me that we did not fight, we would disagree but not have a full out and out fight. He tells me that we would discuss it and agree or agree to disagree. That who ever felt the strongest about what ever the issue was, we would do it their way. I am not at spot, I don't know if I ever will be again. I am at the point where you will hear my opinion even if you come out in "cut throat" mode, yeah I may still end up as the one who is crying in the end but you will know how I feel. 
 Jay tells me that was the hardest thing to get used to again. I feel sorry for them, and for myself. I ask Jay if he ever thought that I would leave, if I could not deal with the life I woke to... his said "No, I know what we have and we cherish you enough we would change and do what ever it takes to keep you here with us." So then came the bomb shell to be dropped at his feet. I was honestly sad that I had to tell him this but ... 
"Honey, you say you are willing to change the whole world we have for me to be happy, then in the next breathe you tell me you are old and set in your ways. This is what I see, I reached for you and ask and begged and pleaded and got rebuffed, it was talk to me tonight and show me you care and that you are willing to change or I will leave. I am going right back to where I was and I don't want to be that woman again. I woke up to a man that my heart knows but is so different from the young man I married. I woke up to being a totally different woman. Tell me this .... let me take you and drop you in a place and take all of your memories away, let me take away WHO you are.... and then tell you to just "deal" with it.. how would you do that with out going insane or leaving or killing yourself?" I am sad to say he had no answer. I do have an answer tho, you adapt or die. 
 You come to the conclusion fast that we are all just works in progress that we are not perfect, and we are a hell of a long way from being done. You see the good and rejoice, you accept the bad and try to move on. You change what you can to make it better and life goes on. 
 So tonight we find ourselves at a change again, I am not who I was over 2 months ago and I am not who I was even 1 month ago. Tonight I find I am not even who I was this morning.... I am not scared thank god. I am more settled and I am relieved. I ask that my husband, my love, the one I will be with till death or God decides it is not to be any more, to be more flexible. I am not super woman. I refuse to put everyone before myself again. I have to look out for me while I look out for everyone else, and sometimes I need help. I am not full of pride, I will and have ask, begged, even pleaded... I can't be ignored. Jay tells me that we are forever, and last week I did not feel that at all. Last week I felt that I was at the end of my rope and I was fresh out of knots to hang on to. I did not bring it up with Jay before since I felt ignored and I was honestly scared of his reaction. What if the only thing I have known to be stable in the last 2 months was tired of me and ready to give up? Again it was the case of the "what if's" kicking my ass hard! So hard to the point I did not blog, I did not talk to anyone, not friends, not family, no one, I did exactly what I had to do to get from the start of my day to the end of my day. Tonight was talk or walk that was the choice I had to make.
 So T kept my kids for me, Jay and I took a drive and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and my god that is what we needed. I needed to hear I was loved, he was not tired and we are forever. I needed to know that he would try but not to expect miracles, and I don't. I needed to feel my stability back. I felt like I had struggled so hard (Jay tells me I try to hard but I don't know how to fix that.. another one of those things that are works in the progress)  and made it to my feet but my knees were still trembling. I felt I was going to fall all over again if I had to go with this alone much longer, and I was afraid that this time when I fell I would not ever get up again. Sad I know but that is where I was at. 
 I am glad I am better, and relieved. I am glad I can look at tomorrow with a smile and ready to start a new week. I am glad I learned more about myself, again, tonight and more about the person I love, the man I married. So we are not finished, and we are not perfect... so we are all just works in the progress of, tonight I can accept that with a smile. I am so glad that I decided not to surrender. I can and do accept that I need to be put back together every now and then, we all do. I am just glad I feel better :)
 I am ready for tomorrow, since I think that each day we start fresh, we start new with a chance to make it better. For the first time in a while now I am content and that is just such a nice feeling.