Monday, October 31, 2011

Day 6

Happy Halloween, welcome to day 6.
 Was a bit easier to say goodbye to Jay this morning but I am still not liking the idea that he is not with me, even though I know he must go to work. 
 I am working on getting my house uncluttered and we have made great progress over the weekend. All rooms are done except the bedrooms and laundry room. Those are on my plan for today. I am also starting the kids back to school work, I am terrified that I will flub this up but we have to try anyway. 
 I seem to be having weird dreams too, not scary just haunting that tend to want to stick with me even when I am awake fully. 
 It is odd, I remember not being a morning person, I hated to get up early, but since the 25th Jay has been waking me when he must leave for the day and I am okay with that. It is nice that for the first couple hours the house is quiet. I have one child that gets up but he sits quietly and plays the computer. 
 Jesse is my quiet peace keeper for the most part. I have not had to fuss at him at all since I woke up. He is so agreeable to everything and so willing the help no matter what. We have spend the last couple mornings when Jay went to work talking and he tells me he needed that alone time with me for reassuring. It is breaking my heart that I can't remember having him but thank god I remember that I love him. Even on the first traumatic morning, when I did not know who he was to me, I knew I would die for him before I let him get hurt. I feel that way about all three of the children, that is a small blessing and tells me I was a devoted mother. 
 Jami... she is (sighs) an almost teenager and has a smart mouth. I love her but she makes me want to smack the snot out of her to. She is also a very funny scatter brain child. She is super smart and reads as well as I do. She is clever in her wit too, but she is like one of those really smart guys that just float through life. I have found I have to keep her focused on task at hand and not to give her more than one instruction at a time. On the one hand it is kind of funny on the other hand it can be exhausting.
 Jonah, my beloved little guy. He  is six and the only big thing that I changed was his whining. He talks perfectly well and reads and so forth, at 6 his reading was amazing to me. So again we are not dealing with an ignorant child. He would whine though, ALOT! That had to go. By day 3 when I accepted this is my life, as it always was they tell me, I started working with Jonah on the whining. He is the baby of my three, they tell me I always treated him as such, but now I think I can take a different look at this family. He is NOT a baby even if he is my youngest child, and I feel at 6 he should not whine to get his way. Yes by all means come talk to Mom, and let me help you solve your problems but don't whine AT Mom because it just drives me bonkers. I am pleased to say that we are making progress on this as well. 
 I have also found we have a good amount of pets most of which live outside. We have a HUGE fenced in yard so that is fine. I feel no attachment to any of these pets except the one tiny black cat that stays inside. Jami tells me that all the pets are her's or Jesse's, that my very loved chihuahua had to be put to sleep early this year. 
I woke up to this kitten and was told he was brought home only a couple weeks ago. His name is Abendago but he is such a tiny guy I have been calling him Benny. He really has been my sanity keeper. He does not require anything mentally taxing from me. Fill his food and water bowl, keep the litter box clean and that is that. He does think that hands and feet are toys and attacks them often but that is okay. He sleeps with me at night  and roams the house in the day only coming to me when he gets tired. It is nice in it's own way.
 So I have rambled enough for this morning. It is getting close to 8 and I will have to get the other kids up and get the day started soon. Here's to hoping I don't freak by lunch time, that my first home schooling day goes smoothly, that I get my chores does as I want to and that I can stay chipper. 

Sunday, October 30, 2011

new little shocks....

Today was okay, I did not do my freak at lunch time which is progress. I did clean a good bit, and slept alot.
Jay and I went grocery shopping and we passed a christmas nut cracker and I went nuts! I loved it! It was a little 6inch police man with a hat and whistle with the baton.. I so wanted it! Then Jay tells me I collect and love them.
We get home and he shows them to me... they are so GREAT I love them! Just WOW.
 So on the one hand it is nice to know that I am still in there, that the things I love are still part of me, on the other hand... it makes me sad that I lost not only the big things but the little ones too...
 I guess we can all this a normal, or getting back to normal, day for me. Short and week blog post! I will say I am not looking forward for Jay leaving for work tomorrow but I will manage.

Day 5

Day 5 started at 4 am. with a dream, not bad but haunting, and my chest hurting woke me up fully.
I was in a hallway with lots of doors, and a gauzy flowing long wispy dress. I ran door to door opening them trying to find something, but could not. Maybe I was looking from my lost memories..... it was just strange.
 It now close to 8 and the meds have kicked in so I am back snuggled down on bed. I am going to relax till the rest of the family gets up then I have plans to clean and start putting my life back in an some sort of order.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

get down off that cross....

"use the wood, build a bridge and get over it!"
 Great advice for most things I would think. I hope that in the past 14yrs, the ones I slept through, I was not the person that whined and blamed everything that went wrong on the past. 
 I know that my childhood was not all roses and rainbows. Dad loved the woods and hunting I think more than anything else. I don't think I was abused as a child but I have been told that I am not like my parents in the way I have always corrected my kids. I have been told that I have never hit them, never spanked them. I know growing up that Mom and Dad used spanking with us, I hated that belt! I swore if I ever had babies I would not hurt them, I guess I kept that promise to myself. Jay tells me I did not yell or use emotional abuse either I was calm and the super mom of all mothers. Go Me!
 I know growing up being the middle child I was the scape-goat and I know that I pulled a lot of it to me since I felt like that was my place, Daddy could get mad at me or Mom and I could handle it so. I know that Daddy got hrs called to him when I was young, around 13 I guess, and I got blamed. They made Dad leave and all I heard was that it was my fault. I know that I have struggled with an eating disorder since then. I wanted to die I think and at 13 I knew I hated Daddy's guns with a passion so that was not an option, so instead I starved myself. I went from 140lbs to 80 within 3 months. Mom's reaction was she will eat when she is hungry, I don't get hungry, I type that but let me explain, I do not get hungry like the normal person gets hungry. My stomach does not start cramping up and I never get food related headaches. Even to this day I have to remind myself to eat because *shrugs* my body does not tell me it is time to eat like the average person's would and does.
 I have this horrible guilt that Dad left because of ME, but then I would what could I have do that was THAT bad? So bad that the police showed up and made my father leave.... at 13 I was still a little girl.... *shakes head* 
 I guess I am going over all the things that I do remember to may sure that I can hold on to them. I know this is useless but I can't seem to help myself. I remember that my Grandfather was the LOVE of my life and that I adored him. He was what a man should be when I was growing up. He is long since passed but I can't bare to ask when it happened or how. 
 I got a shock today, I visited my grandmother and came home to cry. When did she get so old? God why can't I remember?! Also saw Mom and Dad, they got a new trailer about 7 years ago so it was interesting to see it all again for the first time, as it were. I also SAW really SAW my mother, that made me cry too. She looks so demoralized and dejected. I wonder when did this happen....
Saw my brother too and when he hugged me I lost it almost because when I went to bed that night he was an 18 year old boy, the man I saw before me was mind-blowing.
 Jay took the kids to the church fall festival so I have also found that unless Jay is home I can't sleep. I think it may be a subconscious fear thing, a I don't want to sleep and wake up terrified and alone.
 Depression is setting in and I am fighting it tooth and nail. I know it will pass soon but right now I seem to be blinded by the question: If this is my life now, if I can't remember all the things that were the dearest and most fulfilling then what kind of life is this? I am not sure I have the strength to start over but I am sure I will find it, I have to since the only other option is suicide, and that is NOT the way out. That would be admitting that I could not handle this, but I know I am stronger than that. I know that I am love by many and that so many are pulling for me. 
 Get down off that cross, use the wood, build a bridge and GET OVER IT! I am off my cross and I have it in pieces on the floor, soon OH so SOON I will find the strength within me to build that bridge and get over this to start over, even if I have to do it with out the last 14 years of my life.... 

Day 4 ... here we go....

Day 4 in my new life, as it were.
 I woke today feeling more grounded for lack of a better term. I still don't remember but it is only 9 am so I am not overwhelmed yet. I am learning more everyday from friends and family. I wish I could say I was not still confused on somethings but that would be a lie, this me, the now me is refusing to lie. 
 I learned that I was my father in law's full time care giver, and that he died at home me, that we were alone because Jay and Barbara were out. I learned that I was very very close to this man. It saddens me that I don't remember part of this, I mean I remember Jay's father but not him dying. 
 I remember moving to Tallahassee because Jay's mother was not thrilled with Jay and I. I remember Jay's ex wife being a major stress through all of Jay and I dating (I remember us dating and so forth) but Jay told me today that at his father's viewing the ex threw a public fit. Jay tells me that after the funeral I gave him a choice: the kids and I or that drama...... Jay said we hear from the ex's son every now and again but other wise there has been no real contact between us and her since then. That frankly was a relief, in as much as, I don't have that stress anymore in my life. 
 I am not dwelling on what I don't have right now. I am trying to move forward with what I do have. I know that I can't replace the years that were lost, and they may never come back, I am getting to the point that, it really is okay come the morning light today. 
 So this starts day 4, I have found if I get overwhelmed and write it is a bit better so I may do more today or since it is Saturday and Jay is home all day I may not. Feel free not to read all of them for I am sure some of them make no sense. I also think that this is where I come to whine because from what I have seen I do not whine much out loud... go figure.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Somethings I am struggling with...

This one may make NO SENSE I accept that but...

I seem to do Okay for a while after I get up but by lunch time I am finding myself overwhelmed again, and I FUCKING hate it. 
 I have read and heard so much about myself in the last few days none of it is familiar. Even things here on this blog that I know I wrote.... there is just nothing.
 I was supermom even sick, the best sister and daughter, extremely active in church and a teacher there. I was the support for so many family by blood and choice. I helped them overcome so much in the last years so I must have been an awesome friend too.
 I wish I knew, who held my hand? I wish I could remember, who kept me safe? I wish I knew who I was for crying out loud! I wish I did not feel like my life is falling apart. Like I went to bed and the real ME never got up, she is still sleeping and maybe that is better if she had known what was coming she would have gone insane for I am barely hanging on to my sanity. 
 I know that this one is the pain and exhaustion talking. I know that it will get better soon. I keep praying when I lay down to go to sleep that I will wake up and this will be a nightmare to be forgotten, thus far *shakes head* it has not happened.
 As if losing the last almost 15yrs was not enough, I am also terrified to go anywhere. I was going to run to the store just to get out but we have a MINI VAN! WTF? I am not sure I can drive it tho Jay and the mother in law said I was fine with it. Also Jay tells me that the local stores here I go to often and know everyone, what's worse they KNOW ME by first name basis....I am not ready to speak to anyone face to face that to me would be a stranger. At just the thought it is enough to cause a panic attack. I know that I will  have to go out soon I can't hide in the house forever but I am not ready.
 I wish I knew what to do... I am so lost, and that is sad. I want to scream but I know it would not do any good... I think I will just go take a nap instead... things will not always look as dark *sigh*

Day 3 in my new life....

Day 3 is here, in what I can only call my new life. I have tried to think of other terms but none want to work for how I feel. 
 I have been dealing with a lot of new things, new to me since I don't remember them from before. I am still trying to just go hour by hour. Everyone said go day by day but I am not to that point yet, it is best to just go from one hour to the next as I am still taking it all in. 
 Yesterday Jay left me to go to work and for me it was the first time I have been without my stability, he has been with me since I woke up. I felt abandonment as I can't remember (ha ha) having ever felt before. I am sure he has done this same routine more times than we can count but all I can say is it was a hard day. Today was somewhat better, I did not cry when he left but I am still feeling lost without him. My Mother in Law tells me that she picks up my children every Friday afternoon so this afternoon will be the first time I will be totally alone in the house since I woke up, I am okay with that it will give me quiet time to think.  
 I am on the road to recovery at least. I did not wake up with a headache, and I have been told the chest issue will get better with in the next couple weeks, right now I am just keeping the pain at bay enough to breathe without hurting. I have also been catching glimmers, or vague impressions of things that I know but don't know if that makes sense..... example... yesterday someone was talking to me and it was a drone on and on about something dealing with them, I guess I used to listen to that a lot and was more ... I don't know.. supportive, or sympathetic or something, but after a few minutes I finally just said "ya know Sticking Feathers Up Your Butt Does Not Make You A Chicken". This comes from what Jay tells me was my favorite of all time movie, I wish I could remember. I watched part of the movie last night before exhaustion over took me and I knew what some of the actors were going to say before they said it but *shakes head* I can't tell you how I knew other than to say it really must have been a favorite movie of mine since I have it memorized. Go Figure! I can't remember my children but I can remember a stupid, screwed up movie...
 This has been for me a total brain job honestly, I seem to find a new hurtle around every corner but I am sure it will get better. 
 I talked to Paul last night and for me it was just strange. This poor man sounded so ... devastated honestly. My heart goes out to him. He explained a tattoo I have, it is a tiny infinity symbol on my right wrist, he said he has one too. He must have been an important part of my life, it is breaking my heart that I can't remember. At least with Angel I remember her, of course it was the 15yrs ago her but I KNOW her. With Paul I have nothing but a blank. I can't even begin to know how I would feel if Angel woke one morning and did not know who I was, I would be devastated. Wow, what a mind fuck that must have been for him. To get a phone call from a shared friend "by the way Joni does not know you or anything from the last 15 years". *shakes head* He said he had to talk to me tho, even tho I don't remember him, just so he could hear my voice and know that I was still in the world. I can understand that.
 A new thing is everyone is telling me I sound different. Not so different that I am not me but different enough that they can tell. On one hand that is odd but on the other it makes sense because I have lost a lot of years and I am sure I have lost a lot of changes that were made in those years. 
 So here we go hour by hour, and soon day by day. I am praying for my memories to come back, and if that is not in the plan then I am praying that I can start over with the least amount of pain.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Retrograde Amnesia.....and Ok...

"Retrograde (in which events preceding the trauma or disease are forgotten). It can often be traced to a severe emotional shock, in which case personal memories (in effect, identity) rather than such abilities as language skills are affected. Such amnesia seems to represent an escape from disturbing memories and is thus an example of repression; these memories can generally be recovered through psychotherapy or after the amnesic state has ended. Amnesia may occasionally last for weeks, months, or even years, a condition known as fugue. The course of the amnesia is variable depending upon the cause of the memory problem. it may take weeks, months, or years for recovery to occur. In some instances, the amnesia never goes away."

This is what I KNOW.. about the form of amnesia in a nutshell. I was struggling with the WHY, alot, still am but this answered one of my big questions. Why would I lose the biggest part of what makes me WHO I am, or was at least before the onset, this is why. This form take identity memories so it makes more sense now why I would lose that part I think. I have repeatedly ask everyone close to me what happen, what was such an emotional shock that I would run. The answer thus far is "you were very sick and under a lot of stress". Otherwise, no one close to me has died, at least not that any one has informed me of. I have not lost a limb, or such, no major accidents. It is just odd. 
 After waking again this morning early, I am still not used to the bedroom, I have learned that this may get better in a while but then again it may not ever. I would love to say let's make a game plan but I am lost still. Jay says start over but I don't know how. I guess I am still in the coping stage. 

 And OK.... I have found over the last couple days that I get overwhelmed, and when I get to much sensory input all at one time I have gone to the word "OK" as a catch all. I am sick of saying OK, I am honestly sick of saying "I don't know"..... I think OK is the only thing that can be said tho when someone is saying something I should remember but I don't because there is no other word, or expression. It has to be OK or I just look at them with a blank expression and my sister in law told  me that when I do that it is scary for them. So OK it is.... but OK it really is NOT. I am praying it will be soon. 
 I am wondering how I will deal with social things. My Father took my kids to church last night and Jami came home excited about a Fall Festival she wants to go to Saturday. Jay said he will take them but I don't think I can go, maybe Saturday will be better but I just don't think I can deal with a ton of strangers... I know that I have been told I have known these people for YEARS (Amanda said I have been a member of this church for 3 years or more now) but I do not know them. I am still struggling with the WHO I am right now....
 This is a scary time for me, I know that I am not alone and THANK GOD!, but that does not make the terror less I wish it did. 
 So here goes the first Day of Jay not being here *He had to work*. I guess this is my trial by fire, wish I was not scared of the heat....

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Lost my mind...

Wow, what a week, most of which I do not remember.
 Let me get this out and see if it makes more sense in type than in my head.

Let me start at what is the beginning for me.  I woke up at 4am on 10/25 and did not know where I was. I knew my husband but not the room I was in or the house. I did not know my children. I was very confused and terrified. Went to the doctor, she did blood work and suggested to give it a couple of days. Woke up this morning with the worlds worse migraine headache, so bad in fact it acted exactly like a stroke, we went to the Er. The Dr there did several  test, cat-scan was one of them, I have a brain! and more importantly it is normal, with no tumors, not a stroke hence a migraine that was so intense that it acting like a stroke. He also said I have retrograde amnesia, the outlook being my memory may come back in full, in pieces, or not at all. 
 I have read my archive I know that I have been to the Er in the last week 2 times, that I have pleurisy, and fibromyalgia.   I know that earlier this month I had the flu. I know my best friend and sister of the heart Angel, I know Jr, another bestfriend. I know my sisters and brother, I remember my mom and dad. I do not however remember my children or the nieces or nephews that I have, I do not remember Emmett getting married or that Amanda and Jr are married and share 3 kids between them. I do not remember Tammie having a son and daughter. I do not remember having 3 kids myself. I do not remember coming back to Quincy or quitting work. I do not remember ALOT!
 I have been told about much but it is still not sparking my brain to remember. I have read and been told that I was a member in a local church and taught Sunday School. I have been told I homeschooled my kids and did not work for that reason. From what I have read and after talking to a few people this was my life, my church my children.  I spend all day yesterday and most of today in a living hell, this is my own personal hell I promise you. I have spend a lot of time thinking and trying to figure it out but getting nowhere fast. I feel lost honestly, like I went to bed and lost me. I feel scared, to be an adult and to be terrified is something you can't even imagine. I am told I went to bed normal and I think the real me, just never woke up. I have lost almost 15 years in one night.
 I wonder if I will ever get it back. I wonder if I will ever remember the babies that I have been told I loved more than my own life. I wonder if I will ever remember the adults that love me. I wonder if I will remember the church family I had and have been told love and miss me. I wonder if I have indeed gone crazy. I wonder if I will always be this terrified, although I know the answer is no, I will adapt. I wonder if I will ever find/fill this missing gap that I have in my head. I wonder....

Monday, October 24, 2011

What Pisses Me Off?

So, over the last week I have had to do some thinking, I have gotten annoyed over several things, and I stopped to ask myself: What is it that pisses me off?, and Why it is that I get pissed when I am a very easy going person.
 I have come to the conculusion that anything that makes out like it is questioning my decision, what ever decision that may be, pisses me off, I get angry when I am patronized, as if I am not an intelligent adult. Now the why....
 This was a hard one, I don't get angry often but when I do it seems there is NO BUILD to it, I go from happy go lucky to I will kill you with a spork if you say one more word about it. I take the time for every decision to stop and think on it. I see both sides, I weigh the pros and the cons, I always make the best decision I can given the information I have.
 I have made some new decisions with the children this year as far as the school thing goes and I hate to feel like I have made a wrong decision when I know that it is the best for my family even if it is the hardest thing to do. I tried the whole jump through a thousand hoops for 2 years but I am done with that, and honestly thank god!
 After this last week with several people question my ability to school the kids I have gotten angry, I am hoping it is just because I have been sick and they will see soon that I am doing what I need to do. 
 Now the ER, the first doctor really pissed me off and made me feel stupid. I get it, I really do, I look at best 16, get me sick and crying then I may look 14 at best but I have read EVERYTHING ever printed on fibromyalgia and I knew Tuesday that it was not just my FM but the doctor would not listen. I will admit I do not know everything, I called my  regular doctor and he said to try and follow the emergency room doctor's advice and come see him *the regular one* if it was not better. They went to medical school they took years of training, so I tried it that way. I could not go to my normal doctor because we could not afford it. By Sunday tho things were much worse and I could not take any more. I have read time and time again that FM people have a low tolerance for pain, this may be true for some people but not me, I have an extremely high tolerance, so if I am crying because I hurt then you can assume the worse.
 The kids are another point, I love my kids to death, would die for them if I had to but, they are driving me insane! I am with them all the time, and any one that says it is not hard work should try homeschooling for a couple months. Jami is now old enough to argue with me, we butt head often, Jess and Jonah seem content to bug each other but I often have to play the referee. I type this but I also feel guilty as hell because I honestly feel this way. I wonder when do I get a break when do I get to think of me? How sick must I become to be allowed to stop for a little while? Please god don't show me! 
 I am sure this will get better but there are things that make me so angry. This is part of being human, but not one of the best parts for sure.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

I am done Take 2...

Spent today in the ER again because I could not breathe, I felt like I had a 200 pound child on my chest. This started at 3 am I did not dare wake Jay, too worried over his response. Finally around lunch time today with NO sleep and in agony I told Jay I was done it was time to do something. Back to the ER we went....
 Got an awesome DR!!! He told me that Tuesday I was in the grip of a FM flare, hence the skin and muscle ache but that the chest ache was due viral pneumonia, which kicked off a case of Pleurisy. I assume most know what walking pneumonia is, and since it is viral it does not need an antibiotic to fix just time. Pleurisy is the lining around your lungs * normally one side or the other rarely both* becoming inflamed and holding fluid. This does not take an antibiotic to fix either just time, around 2 weeks but can be managed well if caught early. Pleurisy causes sharp pain when breathing, difficulty breathing, and extreme pain with movement. Generally a strong pain killer is given and rest is what is needed. As I stated it is easy enough to manage when it is caught early, but if it is not then it is LIVING HELL!.
 So, I have a strong pain killer in me, and at last a peace of mind, because I am sick, it is not my FM, I do not have to and CANNOT just tough it out. I flat out ask this ER Dr. if he had ever had a case where FM caused breathing problems, and his response was "no Mrs. Brunson and that is my flag to look for something more going on and not to just lump it in to 'just firbromyalgia'". You can not know how much better in one sense I feel because it is not 'all in my head' but on the other hand *sad smile* I hurt LIKE hell! 
 Tomorrow will be better tho. 

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Down the rabbit hole with no White Rabbit Guide

Down the rabbit hole and a white rabbit in a waist coat was her guide, "we're late, we're late for a very important date" the White Rabbit says to Alice.
 What if ..... she fell down this hole with no white rabbit guide? What if... she was just walking around one day, a normal just like any other day, and she just fell down a hole, not having chased the rabbit to it?
 That brings me to how I feel today, I feel like I was going along my merry way and fell. I get to my feet, and shakily look around to find that I am alone and there is no one to guide me. No one that knows the lay of the land and how things are, should be, and will be. No one that can offer sage advice to give me a new outlook. 
 I am better since the trip to the emergency room, my chest still hurts but not to the point of screaming out and crying. I am still tired since I have not rested well in a few nights but *sad smile* that is better than it was. 
 Jay got a rude wake up call, and tho I am happy that he now sees the light, I am also so very, very, very angry that it took a stranger for him to HEAR what I have been saying for months. He did a call for a retired dr. and this man told my beloved husband that a HUGE part of my problem is stress.. ya think? This angel of a man told my  darling husband if he ever wanted me to have half the life I had before FM that he (Jay) would need to take some of my stress or from them sounds of it I was headed for a nervous breakdown.
 These are all things I have been saying for months but according to Jay I could not put it in terms he really really understood... I am thinking that it was just the fact he had to hear it from an outsider to believe that his wife is really sick and that it is chronic, there for can't be fixed with just a nap. 
 I am coming at acceptance I find, slowly but surely. I know that, as I have known for months now, I need to make life-style changes. Every time I try it goes great for a week or so then it all goes back to as it was. Jay's fix was do less for the church. I only go Wednesday nights, and I am kid free them since they have teachers that are not me long as no one gets sick, Sunday mornings, which I teach Sunday school but that is for only an hour, (which I will be giving up come January because my one year term is done, plus, frankly so am I), and Thursday nights is band practice for the kids which means I do nothing for an hour but sit and listen. How can I do less when I love doing these things? When these things are the only part of my life that really make me happy and stress free? This is one of those things that I will walk by faith in and if God really wants me to back away from some of the things I do then he will knock me to my knees. 
 So other than feeling like I have been hit by a truck, I am ok, I hurt but I have learned to deal with a good deal of pain. I know that I need to make some positive changes and I will, that is my game plan for as soon as I get back on my feet. I know that I am not alone, tho I do not have a guide, this is not a lost land where I can find no one to hold my hand. I know that I am loved by many, and that is a great feeling. 
 Alice had a guide, as it were, in Wonderland, the White Rabbit, but the question I find myself asking today is: How much stronger would she have been if she had not had one? Would the end of the story have been different if she had to figure it out all on her own? 
~Till next time.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I am DONE...

Spent part of last night in the ER with chest pains. Got a Dr that was horrid on his bedside manner, and got told it was all my FM tough it out, get on and antidepressant.
 So I am exhausted, my head hurts, my chest still feels like I am being stabbed and I am done. I don't want to be told that I need to tough it out, I don't want to hear that I am depressed b/c of FM (I am not depressed I just hurt) I don't want to play anymore. I want to go to bed... that is all.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Ouch! and Ouch and this Blows, and Really WTF?!?!?!

We will leave Wonderland for this blog because I have not had time to think of a way that this ties into Wonderland some how.
 Let me see if I can loop myself in to everything that has happen over the last few weeks.
I have been getting hit with more migraine headaches and noticed last night that my hair is back down past my shoulder blades again so I guess it is time to get it cut once again. I am beginning to think that long hair is a useless dream for me and has health ramifications that I would just really rather not deal with.
 OK so moving past the headaches, I have been so busy with the kids and church so I have had very little down time. On a positive note we are doing our first ever Fall/Harvest festival and the youth are planning it. I am so thrilled for them and they are thrilled for themselves.
 I have noticed that when I do get down time no one is on yahoo so I guess we are all dealing with busy lives. I hope to catch up with everyone that I love soon, but I am thinking I may try snail mail rofl...
 Now, I am also kicking around the idea of starting a list of all the things that I hate about Fibromyalgia, in the hope and prayer that I will find ways to twist it into a blessing. I am finding very few at the moment because when the outside pressure changes I hurt, when it rains I hurt, when I am bumped even gently by one of the kids I hurt, when I think I hurt, Let's Face it I HURT! I think I have come to grips with that and here is the place to complain that I feel like crap, without having to voice it. I am trying to speak positive things over my life, and myself, so far that is not working but I am hopeful. This is my ouch ouch ouch ouch....
 Here is my this Blows.... really, WTF?!?!?! I have a cousin that is younger than I by so many years that I babysat her when she was little. I love her as I would a sister, or child of my own. I have adopted her as a niece and she calls me Aunt Joni. She has only been married a few months to a man that I know nothing about, and honestly, to a man that sets my MOM sense off, just something is off with this man. I have been counseling her for months, supporting her in all ways that I can and praying my heart out for them. Sunday Morning between 1 and 2 am this man got drunk and maybe high, he then proceeded to beat the ever loving crap out of my niece. The part that breaks my heart is that she could not get away from this monster till almost 6am. I should point out here my darling beloved little niece weighs 110lbs (maybe) soaking wet and this monster is double that if not more. He was arrested, but come daylight today she will not press charges. I am so angry at HIM. I know, he needs help I know we should love him and turn the other cheek but HELL NO, sorry God, but not when you hurt the one I love. I want him under the jail, I want him in PAIN, I want his head busted open, him to have a black eye, I want someone to choke him and threaten to kill him if he leaves, I want him to suffer. Not Christian but then God never told us to be door mats. I want protect her but I don't know how since she must make her own decisions, and I have to just love her to bits and support them. Really, WTF?!?!? How can a man do this to a tiny woman, and then she feels like it is her fault?  God help me to give the support that she needs.
 So anyway that is my life just crazy busy and in pain when I am not busy, not complaining just looping all in.
To those that read this know I love you and to myself this too shall pass. Till next time....