Wednesday, October 24, 2012

The Stranger In The Mirror...

Tomorrow makes one year since I "woke up" as we call it. I had hoped to remember who I was by now... I have poured over the net to find cases and this still reads like a plot from a bad movie. All I see is most cases recover full memory but some do not. Am I in the area of the "do not's"? 
   So where has a year brought us? I accept that I am married to the love of my life and that I have 3 kids, with the forth to make her way into the world any day. I accept that I have a vast network of friends that I love as much as I do my family. I have accepted a lot... but I am still lost. 
 At least the days of "I don't know" are for the most part done. Now I don't get as many questions that I don't know the answer to, when they do come up I can either wing it really well or I am honest and say I have no idea.  I no longer tell people of the amnesia since, let's face it a lot of people don't believe me or the nightmare I have faced in the last 12 months, and I got so very tired of the looks that I would receive.
 Which brings me to the person I see in the mirror everyday. I think back and I have to shake my head since I am not the person I thought I would be (looking from 19 which I remember to 34 today). I wonder why I put up with all that I do and if I will fall into the same situation that caused me to lose myself to begin with. Don't get me wrong I love this life but I wonder .... 
 I guess today finds me in a strange place. I want to remember but then again, on the other hand, I don't really want to either. The reason for that is simple: One year ago I must have been in the most horrible place a person can be to have blocked it, I am not so sure that I want to go back there and bring it all out to the surface again. In this case is ignorance really bliss? 

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Brain Drain Time.....

  Hello, my old friend, it is time for a brain drain. So much has happened in just the last few weeks that I needs to get it all out. Yes this may become a novel, a rant, and just a let's feel sorry for Joni but hey.... 
 Here is our list: Mother in laws that are going crazy and going to drive in me crazy, new babies, I am as big as a house, children, and here comes the one year anniversary since I woke up. 
 Let's start with about 2 weeks ago my mother in law shows up on a Sunday morning just sobbing, and all the talking/ hugging in the world that my husband did could not stop the crying. I get woke up and go check.... now let me pause here and explain a statement...."Crazy I get". I grew up in a house of 6 people 4 of which are bi-polar and one of which is obsessed hunting. I never knew between my mother or my siblings who would be cycling on what day. Plus we had the full extreme of it, one could be depressed and sobbing while another could be manic, bouncing and angry at the world .. so crazy I understand and can deal with really well. So after talking to Barbara for a while I knew it was just her crashing. We called her doctor and I got dressed to drive her over to see an urgent care doctor. Spent the whole day with her to cheer her and get her medicine right. She is on a anti-depressant. Now, fast forward a bit, she is feeling much better but she is driving me insane! I love her son, and could take or leave her daughter, neither of which seem to care about what is going on with the mother that gave them life. I talk to her  2, 3, sometimes 4 times a day, not to mention the days she just shows up at my house unexpectedly. Now do not get me wrong I love my mother in law and I will protect and take care of her but she is interrupting my daily routine and I have a lot on my plate right now. It would just be nice if her biological kids would help out every now and then.
 Moving on: My sister in law and I got prego with in a couple months of each other. I was looking forward to getting big and fat with her and having our girls be close to the same age (even tho my sister in law is my drama llama). Well the unexpected, or maybe it was expected I am not sure, damn amnesia, happened Jessica's blood pressure shot up really high and they could not bring it down. Jessica had pre-eclampsia with Hellp syndrome. They had to do a c-section Sunday 10/07/12. Rylee was born at 2:26 pm weighing just one pound, seven ounces and being twelve inches long. So far my little niece is holding her own, we expect an extended hospital stay but hope to bring her home by or shortly after Christmas. My heart breaks for them. I am trying to be supportive as I can but it is hard considering how very far along in my pregnancy I am. Added to the fact that she posted something this morning which has me wondering what more I can do. I will no apologize for the fact that despite my issues my baby will be healthy and come home with me. I do not and would not ever rub that in her face. I am considerate of her, and I ask about HER as well as Rylee. I was at the hospital with HER and not just for my niece. I have yet to even see my niece since mean as this reads I can't bring myself to go to NICU, not when Rylee is so tiny and all tubed up. Not when Juliet is so close to being in my arms..... I am at a loss. 
 Speaking of my condition... I am as big as a HOUSE! Well, at least a small house *smile*.  I am almost 35 weeks and at 130 pounds. This says a lot for me considering 8 months ago I only weighed 99 pounds soaking wet.Our last guess by ultrasound (over 2 weeks ago) was that my little Juliet was well over 4 pounds. We have done the steroid shots for Juliet's lungs so we are good to go any day that she is ready to come. I got my bag packed for the most part and now it is a waiting game on her. I will tell you I am so miserable, the whole tired, have to pee all the time again, can't get comfy enough to sleep any more blah blah blah. Plus now I am having to cross dress (go head and laugh) but the only shirts that fit over my belly now are Jay's so. Come on God and Juliet, we are ready. Jami is finally excited too! Which makes me happy. On a sad note here if Juliet come with in the next couple weeks my sister of the heart will not be about to be with me, that does make me sad. Her husband has recently had back surgery so she will be unable to leave him. Also, really, I know I have done this 3 time before but I am some what terrified that this will be a long, drawn out just horrible experience for me, the birth that is. I just have these horrible visions of being stuck to a bed for hours and hours. *sigh* Jay tells me it will not be bad so I guess I will have to trust him on this.
 I can now understand after the last year how my children could drive anyone insane. Now do not read that wrong I love my kids but being home 24-7 with them is a job all in itself. The saving grace right now is that Jami does watch the boys when I need to go out for an apt. or shopping or what ever. I love my kids and can't wait till Juliet is with us but some days it is just a good idea to sit and cry. I am not unhappy or anything just this is a lot on anyone. 
  Moving on, now in 2 weeks it will make it one year since I have woke up. None of my memories have returned. On the one hand that upsets me some  days, on the other while I don't have any of the good memories I also do not have any of the bad ones, like when my brother lost his first son or when Jess and Jami feel in the pool. So do you call this a blessing or a curse now? I get fragments now and then, brief flashes that if they are strong enough I have to ask for exploitation of.... but for the most part the years from 97 to October 25th 2011 are just a blank. I will be honest, it is not as upsetting as it was at first. I personally have come to a peace about it. There are days it still makes me mad/sad but I have accepted that this is the life I now lead. I still get questions that I have to go "I don't remember" to but those are becoming fewer and further apart now.   
 This is where we are kido's ....I will be working on an Alice blog soon since I miss blogging but with my life being so crazy right now I am doing good to have gotten this post done. Ok so hopefully my next post will be full of happy new baby things! Till next time...

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Times Goes FAST.....

WOW! Let's see where I can begin and loop us all in.

 It is past the middle of September, I am still holding in there with Juliet at almost 32 weeks and counting. Been busy and uncomfy with that/her but more on that later. I lost my lap top last month and have been without for a while, that is NO fun. I learned last night we may be looking at the big C with Amanda and I am terrified! (more on that in a few). Paul and wife are at the 18 week mark with thier baby, we should know soon what they will bring into the world. Angel's husband Jack had to have a second back surgery to repair it after an accident. OMG this blog may be a novel but hang in there with me while I get it out.

 Let's start here. The graphic card on my laptop decided to not play with us no more so I have been with out my link to the web and life as it were for a while now. Last week Jay and Tammie got me another one *for my birthday* ... which is a notebook/ laptop but it is working great and I love them and it. I still am not on as much as I would like to be but that is because I am big and pregnant there for no position is comfy for long. At least this way when I have the baby I can have my connection at the hospital with me.   

 Last year sometime Angel's husband, who worked for a cab company as a mechanic had an accident that injuried his back. *Forgive me A if the details are off* They did surgery but it did not fix Jack's back so they went back in earlier this week to fix it this time for sure. The surgery went ok and after a round with the pharmacy he is home, resting and driving Angel to exhaustion. I am praying that this fix will be the last and that their lives can go back to somewhat normal. 

 Paul called me last week, blah blah blah normal chit chat catch up. He and his wife are having a baby and at the first ultrasound the baby refused to show us it's bottom. They go back next month so maybe then the baby will play nice and we will all know! I hope it is a girl since that would be so funny for Paul.

 I have been in and out of Labor and Delivery for Juliet .. which I will get into in more detail next paragraph but let me add a detail here for this part of my story. I had to go back to L&D last night for a shot for the baby and Tammie drove me (thank god) and on the way home she tells me that Amanda had a pap smear that came back so abnormal they rushed her bioptsy apt to next Wednesday. I am terrified... Cervical cancer runs in my family. Now I know, I know it could be any number of reasons that has the result this far off... she could have had sex the night before, or her UDI is causing it or just a lot of things but still this is my baby sister and I am scared. 

  Let's move on to Juliet, the child beneath my heart literally, we are finally at the "almost" safe age for her to be born! Which is a good thing since I am getting tired and I know she is getting cramped in there. Let's start with 2 weeks ...or 3 weeks (my brain is foggy) ago I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and the "let's get and keep my blood sugar under control" started, which means no more sugars and testing with a monitor 4 or more times a day. Not a hard thing to do but after a couple weeks you get just very sick and tired of stabbing yourself in the finger, plus trust me, you run out of fingers fast. That being said I have managed to keep my sugar levels with in an acceptable range and we only have 6 more weeks to do this.

  I have been back and forth with preterm labor to the hospital. I would start contracting, go in and get a shot and then the contractions would stop. Well on Tuesday of this week, that started again, so Jay takes me over to L&D with contractions that are 5 minutes apart and impossible to speak through other that to tell Jay when to shut it for a minute. They ran a test called Fetal Fibronectin and it came back neg. so it is not likely that I will have Juliet with in the next 2 weeks, but the midwife was so worried since my cervix is getting thin way to fast that she advised steroid shots for the baby's lungs. Let me just say OUCH!!!!! not the needle itself I can handle that but the steroid stings when it goes in, I mean it really, really burns! Plus my exhausted pregnant ass .... the first one I did in my hip/ass was not that bad since that is the ONE place I am padded but the one last night I opted for my left shoulder.. and I know I am whining here but that arm still hurts and is so very sore today. 

 I guess I am glad that we are coming to the end of this journey and soon, oh so soon I will have Juliet in my arms. I am praying for friends *whom I feel that I have been a lousy friend for the last couple months*, family, and myself. We are almost there. I am hoping to be able to post more soon but for the moment this is where I am and this is what we are looking at/forward to.

Monday, August 6, 2012

When you live in a dream....

So it has been almost two months since I made my last post and we are coming up to the 10th month since I woke. I am not in a bad place but I am for sure in an odd place.
 Things are happening fast around here for the most part, and that is not a bad thing at all. I am expecting a happy bundle of joy around the end of October. We found out on the 23rd of July that we are having another little girl and I am EXCITED! We will name her Juliet but I am not sure of what the middle name will be just yet. 
 Jesse's birthday is in just a few days, he will be 10, he is looking forward to that. We do lunch with the adult of his choice then shopping for presents, again with the adult of his choice. Basically a day with the parent you choose. I think this is a nice tradition. 
 Let's see.... I have all the baby's things set up and ready for her. My loving mother in law bought me a changing table/dresser for her. When Jay went to pick it up one of his family members gave us the crib I had been saving for ... it is white and goes from crib to toddler bed to day bed and it is gorgeous! Plus it came with everything it needed: mattress, bumper pads, mobile so forth. Everything for the crib is pink and brown lady bugs and flowers. Then my mother in law got me a set of white and a set of pink sheets for it. 
 I have had the car seat for her since I was 10 weeks pregnant so that is all ready to go. I have several new born outfits and a lot of 0-3 month outfits. I will be getting more but I am not going over board with that part just yet, I am waiting to see how big she will be first. The only other item we will need, but not right away is a stroller. I want an umbrella stroller, they are not expensive and come in all kinds of material designs, but Juliet will need to be able to support her own head before we need that so ..... now is the waiting game.
 I made 25 weeks today by doctors' dates but if Juliet is anything like my other 3 children I am somewhere between 27-28 weeks. Meaning my due date is November 19th, but my body and past experience and OBGYN is saying just make it to October 29th. which will make me 37 weeks. I have a long 12 weeks to go, me thinks. 
 For the most part right now I feel as tho I have been living in a dream. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop with a horrid "thud". I am waiting for all the best laid plan of mice and woman to get kicked to the gutter. I am not sure why I feel like this is my wonderland and the bubble will burst soon but I do. *Sigh*
 I have decided that is baby is all mine, and all for me. Reads funny right? Think on it, I don't remember the others, so while they are very beloved and special, this one will be different. I will not say more special or loved since I love all the kids but .... Special to me for sure. Also I am honestly not getting the support at home that I feel I that I need.... yeah ok that reads funny to but again think on it... We have been here and done this, so everyone can go "been there" and take it all in stride but I can't. I worry, not so much that I can't do this because I know I can, but that I will some how fuck this up big time because I can't remember what to do. 
 I feel lost in a way. Jay tells me "your body will remember" "you have this you have done it before"... yeah ok so my body might but I am not the person I was when I went to sleep that morning. What if I can't wing it? 
 So, remember to breathe and remember that while I am not the same person I was last year, I am not a failure. I have not fucked everything up, I have not gone insane, I have not run away, which some days I really could have, I did not kill myself, which in the beginning was more of an option that I want to think about right now. I am sure I will find that I have this even though right now it does not feel like a sure bet. Maybe this dream will last and I will not wake to a nightmare... 
~Till next time.  

Thursday, June 14, 2012

It will be worth it in the end...

Here we are again .... 
 Baby update: we moved my due date up by about a week to November 18th since I was measuring big. I have not put any stock in the due date anyway the baby will come when he/she is ready to be here. The heart beat was great yesterday, was funny the midwife had to chase the baby around my tummy to get a heart beat since the baby was busy moving. 
 I took Jami with me since she wanted to hear the heart beat, I think once she heard it for some reason this baby became more real to her. Well, that and since her bomb shell last week about "Mom you will love the new baby more than us" and I think she now knows that I could NOT love the new baby more than I love her, Jess, and Jonah.
 We go in 5 weeks to have an ultrasound to make sure our little one is growing ok, and I am sure there will be no problems. Plus we can find out what our little one's gender is, long as the baby will play nice with us for a moment and let us see the goods :). We, my friends, family, and I, are all excited, can't wait to know!
 On to the dental work.... *sigh* I will say it again, this is not the worse thing I have ever done to me but it is not a cake walk either. I have to keep telling myself that it will all be worth it in the end. I am having a full denture done for up top and more than likely a partial done for the bottom. So, all the top teeth , which were in horrible shape to begin with, have to be pulled. We did 3 yesterday. I have had a total of 8 done, but 3 of which was on the bottom (a wisdom tooth that was impacted which broke the jaw tooth in front of it, plus another broken jaw tooth). Yesterday was not to bad compared to the wisdom tooth, but I had to have a couple stitches as well.... and that is just weird. 
  Plus there was a new receptionist there that I did not know, and she was fussing about me double stacking my apt's up (which I will never do again, that is just to much running and stuff for one day on me and baby) and not listening to me. It is REALLY hard to speak with in the first couple hours after having a set of teeth pulled. I was trying to explain to her that I needed to come back in a week to have the stitches removed but she set the next time up for 2 weeks. My face was to numb and I was to frustrated to keep going around with her so I came home to deal with it later. I will call later today and double check since all the stitches I have ever had to deal with had to come out with in 7 to 10 days and not 14.
  I do  alright for the most part as long as I remember to keep my pain meds in my system, but late at night is the worse since you fall asleep and they run out. Then you wake up in pain and alone, just sad. When ever you have something like this done, something Big and what in the end will be life changing, you take a hit in the mean time to your self esteem. That is where I am at now. My smile was fucked before but now with most of the top teeth missing I so don't want to face anyone till this is all done. I have to keep telling myself  it will all be worth it in the end! And it will, God please, A new perfect smile and a new perfect baby to love on.  
 Last but not least.... I got home with my face beginning to wake up, exhausted, not brave enough to go to the pharmacy, frustrated since I could not reach Jay, and just out and out whooped. I could not get on my favorite social site and let everyone know at one time what the doctor said about baby since I have my very on drama llama that will copy my every statement. Major annoyance. My best friend tells me they understand but still ya know.. errr ... lol. Again I think it is only really a bugging factor when I am tired and hurting. Since my nearest and dearest know how my llama is they understand. 
 So this is how we end what has been a long week. Tomorrow is Friday, and I am ready to see the weekend :)

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Rant...

Yeah, yeah, I'm in that place once again. The place where nothing is right and if it can go wrong it already has more than likely. 
 Where do we start: No bedroom, Jami's lack of attention span, MIL, sick, to much to do in to little time....
   I know I have bitched repeatedly that I do not have a bed room and it is true I don't. What we have is a living room that my bed is in. In one way it is nice we all can hang out and watch tv together or play the computer games, whatever. On the other hand it fucking sucks! I have no privacy and that is just not right. I know, I know I am bitching again and nothing will change.... but sometimes you just have to bitch.
 I am sick, as I mentioned in an earlier blog post. I have a cold that is kicking my butt. I am tired sorry but that comes with having a cold I think partly and I don't know if any one has had the balls to mention before but I'm Pregnant and making a baby is HARD WORK! I am waking at odd hours between the baby and the cold. I get tired in the afternoons and I don't think it is asking to much to be allowed to take a nap if I need one....  Now can some one tell me why NO ONE in my known little universe will let me freaking sleep? And not it is NOT the kids in the house it is the phone, or people showing up or whatever. Lord don't let me have enough and turn the phone off then all hell does break loose ....(more on that in a minute).
 Yesterday the MIL comes over, unannounced which always annoys me but I over look it for the most part, to show me her new smart phone. *Rolls eyes* I don't know why she needs a smart phone but her daughter did it for her so ok is all I will say. So after she shows off her new toy she starts in on Jami Lynn... *deep breathe here* I looked at Jami and she gave me the "Mom don't freak out on us look" so I did not say anything in front of Barbara but I was LIVID. 
 Let me back up a bit, I was very active in my church before I woke up in October, I keep meaning to go back but every time I try something comes us, that is life and it will work out. But if I don't go then the kids don't either and that is not an issue with me. Apparently Jami was slightly fussing because she did not have any "real life friends" since she is home schooled and we don't go to church. I will admit that this is true but then again she goes over board because she is 13 it is NOT the end of the world but she is a teenager so ... enough said. Well the loving mother in law ask yesterday if my Grandmother goes to my church and indeed she does but my granny is OLD and I don't send my kids with her for several reasons that I will not get into here, we will leave it at family drama. But Barbara decided to tell Jami that she needed to get her little butt up and be at church with my Grandmother Sunday and find a friend or a little boy to befriend...... I saw red I swear, Jami ask me not to say a thing so I did not but EEEEERRR! Sometimes I wish my parents had not raised me to have such respect for my elders, I want to tell her off but she is Jay's mother and I just can't. 
 So, today when she called I was trying to sleep because I feel like curd, I ignored it and turn it plus my cell phone off. I need to rest. Before hand I had fielded calls from Jay asking me to look up an address for him, that bothers me too since I am not his office girl... let her freaking do it.... I am ill. So anyway, Jay gets in and the first thing out of his mouth is "Woman is your phone broken"... O.o "No the ringer is off since I just can't deal with your mother today." I have no voice by the way I sound like a little frog so talking is not big on my list today. "She was calling to apologize for stepping on your toes yesterday." Big freaking deal! Still don't want to talk to her. Honestly she should have just hushed to begin with. *Shurgs* 
 I am tired of going over and over things with Jami but her attention span or lack there of I have about decided comes from her Father's side of the family since I have been told he was the same way as a teenager. Still would be nice if she could do 3 thing in a row without me having to repeat what I ask her to do. *sigh, cough*
 I have 2 doctor apt.'s tomorrow. The first is for the baby and I am looking forward to hearing the little one's heart beat really! The second is the dentist, not looking forward to that but I will suck it up because I really do want a pretty smile. I just feel overloaded for the moment, probably because I am still tired and sick. 
 So that is the ranting novel.. tomorrow will be better I am hoping. 

Monday, June 11, 2012

Icky Summer Cold, and heart broken...

What I thought was just an allergy attack brought on by the cats at mom's, and congestion from to much crying over the last couple days had shown itself to be a full blown cold .... UGH!
 The whole coughing, sneezing, sniffling which just so you know crying only makes worse...
 I feel so bad just in general with a fever and so forth blah blah blah cold stuff, but when I have a coughing fit the poor little darling inside me does cartwheels, I swear the poor thing screams "earth quake! grab your umbilical cord and toes!" I mean I love to feel the baby moving but I worry that I am scaring my darling child half to death with the coughing... funny right? or maybe not.
 My heart is still hurting with my sister of the heart but I know that there are no words of comfort right now. I know that there is nothing I can do to make it better or fix it much as I would love to make it better or fix it. If there was a way to do either of those things I would in a heartbeat... *sigh* Sucks for sure...  
 I did buy her a small peace lily since I know how much her father loved his plants and I pray as this one grows her pain will ease. When her head stops spinning and I feel better I will take it to her. 
 So this is the start of a new week and the weather man swears for rain, which to quote a wife's tell from my mom's side of the family if it rains within 3 days of some one dying that means they made it to heaven... to me, for me that is a comfort. Today I will take all the comforting thoughts I can get :) On that note it is a movie, warm tea kinda of day... till next time...

Sunday, June 10, 2012

And It Was Done....

  The time came early this morning for my sister of the heart's father to leave us...and he slipped quietly from this world into the arms of angels that were singing, of this I am sure.
 My heart aches for her since she means so much to me. My heart breaks for her family and her children. We breathe a sigh of relief that Jim's suffering and long struggle is over but she will now face an emptiness of him no longer being there. I have no words of comfort, since all words at this point are hollow I think. 
 I can do no more than say a prayer for comfort and peace for them. 

Saturday, June 9, 2012

breaking heart, fragments of memories

My sister of the heart, the sister God did not give me by blood, my best friend's father is dying.... we have moved to the keep him comfy death watch. It breaks my heart. 
 I was talking to her today and she told me that with the way her bills and life are that she could not go to the hospital .... I called Jay crying and he took me to her with the money she needed. I love her and would do anything for her just as I would my blood siblings. 
 One of the hardest things about getting past amnesia is the heart knows even when the mind refuses to bare it out. When it is a happy emotion with the heart then you go "great!" and move one. But when it is sad or scary then you don't have the experience to fall back on, you don't know what you did to move past the way you feel. I get confused then angry since I thought after 7 months I had handled all the hurtles that could come up but I walked in that hospital room tonight and got hit with a flash of my father in law in bed in a coma. Just a flash that fragmented and washed away. My heart sank... and is still low. 
 I know I was my father in law's full time caregiver for 2 years day in and out. I know that he became my best friend and that I was with him alone the day he left us... I know this because I was told. what I do not know is what I did next....I feel like he left us just yesterday even tho it has been 10 years this December. My heart hurts. 
 I want to scream "God how much MORE must I take? Give my memories back or keep them for good but stop tormenting me please God..." I keep praying they will call come back tho I am not holding out much hope in that happening. I guess we will have to just take a deep breathe and wait to see. 
 Also today my darling oldest child broke my heart but not on purpose. She ask me if she could tell me what was bothering her about the baby that is on the way. I said of course! I wanted to know. "Mom I am afraid that you will love my new brother or sister more than you do us since you don't remember us"... *sobs* So I explained to her the same way I did above "the heart knows even when the mind does not want to bare it out". I told my darling children that the minute I looked at them after waking I KNEW that I loved them so very much, I knew I would die for them and I would kill to keep them safe. I will not love the new baby more I can't love any child more than I love the 3 here with me NOW ... I think she understands. Still broke my heart that she would think and feel that way. I guess that is another draw back of amnesia...
 So here we sit at 3am via internet with the friend still at the hospital. Thank god for the technology to be about to that! Can't be there in person then at least we can chat via instant message. Plus it is nice if you can't sleep at least you can go online and entertain yourself. 
 I have no idea how to close this other than to say more to come later ....

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Amazing yet.. disgusting... and heartbreaking...

Let's be frank here... being pregnant is amazing yet at the same time it brings some disgusting things with it.
 You grow a baby inside of you and that is just WOW! but then you get sick and in my case throw up every night for the first few months.           
   You begin to feel the first flutters of movement and you hold your breathe from one time till the next just to feel that flutter... but you also lose your figure, your clothes no longer fit. At first you get, from people that know you well (hopefully) fat comments, then it suddenly becomes "when is the baby due?" and that thrills your heart to no end.
 Your emotions go hay wire from I'm so happy one minute, to I am just going to sit and cry over NOTHING the next. Then you worry even when you should not, even when you say to yourself you will not. The thing is I can protect and prevent a lot of bad things for my children that are here already but there is not to much I can do if something goes wrong with the one that I am trying to get here... and that in and of itself can be nerve racking.
 Ok so we are moving along with this baby and I am not expecting any big problems, I just can't wait for him/her to get here so we can all hold him/her.

 On to another heartbreaking note.... My sister of the heart's father is dying. We have known for months now that he was sick, lung cancer and so forth. We tell ourselves we are ready, and that when the time comes we can be strong and brave. We indeed may manage that to a degree but still our hearts argue the why of it all (at least mine does). I grew up with this man, I have known him since I was 6 yrs old... and my heart is breaking for my sister .... there are no sage words, and no comfort when the death watch, wait game comes knocking. We get to the point we stop praying "God make them all better keep them with us" and we go to "God, grant them peace." We move on to "God comfort the family." We may not find acceptance in our hearts right away but we stop raging against nature and what must eventually be. 
 So that is where we are .... I am waiting for the call and praying for closure for the family.  

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Time for a change....

If it was done when it was done, then it was best that it was done quickly. 
 That being said let me say this: I have a love hate relationship with my hair. It had grown long, down to my waist again and while it was nice to look at it took time to do the upkeep, not much since I am a no fuss kind woman, but to wash then condition it no matter what I tried it was a 15 to 20 minute job. Now on bed-rest  I was told not to be on my feet for more than 10 minutes at the time .... dilemma on the horizon. Before I did anything drastic since as I said I do like my hair I ask for 2 days straight "Honey please come hold the shower head while I sit and wash my hair" I don't do well with begging, so after asking one more time today and getting told "I am busy" I took a set of scissors to my locks and snipped off almost 18 inches. It is now just above my shoulders and the wash time is down to 4 minutes flat. I was told I will regret doing this but I do not think I will, I thought about this for a couple hours and it is just hair... it will grow back it is not like a tattoo that I will have to live with forever. I am looking at it this way, I have to be dependent on others for soooooooooooo much that I was beginning to feel bad about myself and worthless... so if chopping off some hair helps me be independent on at least one thing the YAY!
 I think it all comes down to we do what we must do when it is crunch time just to keep our sanity and the hair removal was just something I had to do :)

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Growing a baby is hard work.....Bed-rest Sucks!

Let us back up a bit, Thursday night late I noticed a little big of blood when I wiped, I had a pretty bad backache and mild tummy cramps that were coming then going. Friday morning, still a tiny amount of blood and the cramps that come and went... sooooooooooo I called my nurse just to see if I should worry, she said probably not but go to the hospital and get checked just in case. I was not extremely concerned since I was still feeling the baby move, there was not a lot of blood and the cramps were not bad really. But still I needed to have a doctor tell me my cervix was not dilating and so forth.
 Spent 2 and 1/2 hours at the hospital, had one bad moment when the nurse could not find the baby's heartbeat right away but she explained that when the baby is only about 5 inches long depending on how they are laying it can take a couple minutes, but thank God! she found my little darling's heartbeat. So long story short I over did it Wednesday and Thursday and my uterus is cranky. The fix for this bed-rest for the next 4 or 5 days and when I do return to normal things do it slowly and don't over do it .... 
 I had to go to the hospital alone since everyone was busy or working, I did have my sister of the heart with me via internet (she has been the best support I could have ask for!) but .... I did get slightly upset since I was alone and if I had gotten bad news I would have had to deal with it all alone. 
 I am being a good Mommy, I am staying on bed-rest like I should, I have decided that I do not care if nothing gets done around here I am putting this baby first at all cost and I will catch up after the baby is born. I have also decided that bed-rest sucks! My hips are already complaining and all I want to do is sleep, I am beginning to worry that if this bed-rest get extended for the rest of the pregnancy I will get very very depressed. I am so bored being tied to the bed, I will do what ever it takes tho to make sure I give this little baby the best chance of staying where he/she should until November. It hit me hard yesterday, I knew I loved this baby and really want it but I did not know HOW attached I was until the nurse had to look for the heartbeat for a couple minutes. I cried when she found it I was so relieved! 
 So here we are I am on bed-rest not to happy but the cramps have stopped and in a couple of days things will be good again. I will now stop more and do small amounts at a time. Me thinks this will be a LONG 4 or 5 days lol.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Morbid or Realistic?

So here we are again.... and the question is what is the line between being morbid in thought or being realistic in thought?
 I am the type of woman that wants the next step in what ever the process is. If this happens we do that, if that happens this is the next step. So... last night to prepare myself for an in case of I started my research on what would happen if for some ungodly reason we lost the baby. I am not expecting any problems but things and life happen and I want to be prepared. My loving husband fussed at me for being depressing and dwelling on morbid things... I don't think I was. 
 Is it better to never think about the what if's should something horrible happen then get a shock since you have no idea what to expect? Or is it better to at least know what to expect when the unthinkable happens? Personally I want to know all the possible outcomes so that I am prepared but I understand some people don't... I think it goes back to the glass half full or half empty kind of person you are. 
 On an annoying note... I got a migraine 3 days ago, call the pharmacy for a refill on my meds, the pharmacy sent me an email confirmation .... next day I called, they had lost the RX and needed to call the doctor ERRRRR... So, Okay, I called the doctor yesterday afternoon, the nurse informed me the RX was sent and so forth, the pharmacy said they did not get it... what a LONG and pain filled night.. got up this morning called the pharmacy at 10 and they still had not heard from the doctor (per them). 5 minutes later my nurse called to check (I love this woman!) and when I told her the pharmacy had not seen it yet she said "I will call them right now honey, give it 30 minutes then call them and go get your medicine so that you will not be in pain!" Sure enough 30 minutes later I had my RX in hand and I am in a bit of a better place now. I just could not believe the go back and forth with the pharmacy this month. I guess for the most part it would not have bothered me but I am in pain and every little thing is annoying me. 
 Okay, so that is where we are for the most part. Next week is the dentist and the baby doctor again. I make 16 weeks next week, I started feeling the baby move and it is AMAZING! Because the baby is still so small I can't feel her/him move all the time but late at night when all is still and quiet it is the most amazing feeling in the world! We are getting past the first trimester horror symptoms too which is so nice, I am not having to run pee every 5 minutes and the morning/afternoon sickness is backing off... I am looking forward to this trimester being easy :) 

Friday, May 25, 2012

An Ode To The Joy Of.... Then Misery Loves Company...

Seems like just yesterday I was telling everyone I was having my forth child... and now we have around 5 and 1/2 months to go.. Time is flying. I am gaining weigh as I should be slow but steady and things are going great with the baby. I am miserable but happy for the most part. 
 My sister in law announced a couple weeks ago she is pregnant as well. I am due November 24th (tho all my babies came 3 and 4 weeks early so I am planning for the front of November) and she is due Jan. 1. When I told her I was having a baby she said she may want another now that I am having one... I am NOT jealous of the baby, I hope my brother's newest one comes out healthy. What does upset me is that she is now mimicking all my things with my baby. Like the no testing, she is adamant about a tubal ligation after the birth, and so on so forth... 
 After what the last 7 months of my life just once I think I deserve to be unique, like I said I am not upset about my new niece or nephew, I am however a little annoyed with my childish sister in law. So I am not posting anything more in public about my baby. I will tell my nearest and dearest in private and that will be that. This way I keep all my joy and lose all the drama that could be brought to the scene. 
 On the joy note we have nailed down a couple names that I think will fit, these may change but for now it is Jody Lee for a boy and Juliet Lee for a girl. I would like to have another little girl, but I will love either that God decides to give me, all I really want is the baby to be healthy. 
 On a misery note, my midwife referred me to a dentist and I am having LOTS of dental work done and may I say OUCH!!!! The dentist assure me that I will have a perfect beautiful smile for the first time in my whole life, I just have to suck it up right now and get through the worse of it....
 Another misery note, sorta, a couple weeks ago my best friend in the world confided in me that we are looking at a cancer scare. Scare is the right word, I am terrified since I can't see my life with out her, and I am praying for all I am worth. We should have the first set of test results in next week... So I am still praying. This friend is like me and has a male best friend that I was an acquaintance with but not close to. Well, when I got the notice from An. of what we were looking at I turned to her friend to make sure he was taking it okay, this was after I called my male best friend and cried my eyes out. Well, An. best friend was drinking and he knew me slightly from before I woke in October... he decided to overstep the bounds of what I consider decent and within the limits of friendship. So I promptly slammed the door on that new friendship. I feel bad for him since he seems like such a lonely man and in need of all the friends he can get, but I am not the woman that will put up with drama, personal insult so, it is his loss since for me he was no more than a mere blimp on my radar as it were. I would welcome an apology from him and I would love to know why he felt it necessary to turn it into what felt like to me a personal attack but I am not taking the first step since I am not the one that started the pissing contest that I nicely shut down... 
 All and all life goes on and I am not in a horrid place.. My mouth is hurting and I know this is only the start but the end will be worth it. The older kids are growing and thriving. Jay is still being Jay but he is trying to be more considerate since I am pregnant. This is where I am at in life right now and that is fine, I have to keep "Graceful Dancing". 

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

It's been a while

It's been a while since I could do a lot of things, chief among them was smile... it never fails to amaze me the way life's road twist and turn. This time the twist or turn in the road was a shocking pleasant surprise... 
 I have been super tired and queasy the last month. I thought I had a cold the the kids and hubby were passing back and forth.. then I looked at the calender... I was late. *deep breathe* I am 33 and pregnant with my next baby. I know that I have had problems in the past with keep the baby where it should be till it was time and I know that my daughter was preemie in date not in weight. I am not scared tho. I am so excited over this baby it is unreal. 
 We ended up going to the ER last night because I was having a really sever strange cramp on only the right side of my lower tummy ... even while waiting I was not worried... at the most I expected it to be growing pains, a uti, what ever. Turns out even tho I was drinking more  I was still not drinking enough, so I was slightly dehydrated. Plus, I am tiny tiny tiny and any growth in the tummy area will show and the doctor told me to expect the muscles to complain loudly as they stretch.. yay. But the happy note is the baby is in the play pen where he or she should be and not in the tubes which is off limits. I am 7 weeks along and the heart beat was strong already!
 I am more excited about this than anything I can remember since I woke up. I was ready to walk out the door on this life and this family just a couple weeks ago. A good friend told me maybe this is god's way of saying "Stay"... I agree. 
 So it has been a while since I have gone and fucked things up like I always do but this time the fuck up is a GREAT thing in my opinion. I am not sure if I will keep this positive attitude when I blow up big as a whale but I am going to try. Right now I am looking forward to the end of the morning sickness. 
 It's been a while since I could look at myself straight, a while since I said I'm sorry and a while since I could hold my head up high because I so hated the life I was dealing with. Today looking in the mirror I see a confident woman, that can smile and hold her head high despite the comments I will be receiving soon about my next baby on the way. I have not said sorry in a while because I was just so melancholy but today I am just over the moon even knowing I have months of waiting a head of me. 
 So for those I have annoyed, angered, frustrated, saddened and more I am sorry. Bare with me I am still trying and learning. Be happy with me no matter what the next turn in the road holds for me... 
 Today is the start of appointments for the baby and getting his/her (can't wait to know what she/he is LOL) doctor set up and blah blah blah... Off we go! It will be a good WEEK!

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Ugh, Brick wall...

 I look back, talked to friends, reread my blog and I was the type of person that even if I was dying inside no one would see it. I would put on a game face and smile. I would and did worry over everyone else. I was never much concerned over me and neither was anyone else. Hind sight is always perfect isn't it? Now, tho, when I look out for me it all goes to hell in a hand basket even faster, it is time ... to ring the bell and count me OUT!
 I am faced with the same issues as I was when I went to sleep that faithful night... and I am faced with no having no solutions. Everything I have tried has not worked and I am fresh out of ideas. I turned to Jay and ... here is the stunning revelation by the light of the day.... I did not listen to what he said but the way he said it. 
 He has a way of talking that puts my back up every time. I found today while reading and thinking at the same time.... there is wisdom in his words even if his tone and attitude was lacking. I am trying to see things from his side...let me tell you it is hard. 
 I am here all day with the kids so when he gets home I want to talk to the ADULT in my life about how his kids are ... Kids... He sees me as whining, and I thought/saw myself as only talking. Great right? 
 We ran into a brick wall last night and today I am still reeling from it. I read to much yesterday and managed to forget to eat and gave myself a massive headache. I was calm and nice when I requested from Jay, Jami and Jess different things to help. I ask 3 times... needless to say by the forth time I lost it. I am not proud of that but it seems the only time I get attention from the others that live in this house with me is when I am "screaming like I have lost my damn mind". 
 Jay solution, no more yelling do it myself and shut up....... Yeah it looks good on paper. One small problem is that I can't do it alone. I just don't have it in me. This job is to big and right now I am feeling like I am too small. I thought the light would help after the horrid night but I am still weepy and angry and just tired. After being told to go whine to some one else last night I retreated to silence and have been that way every since. *Shrugs* I am so at a loss right now until it scares me. 
 I have tried all I know to do. I have run myself into the floor literally and no one noticed. I tried to do nothing and that got noticed but only in an abstract sort of way. I feel as tho I have given all I can give and that there is nothing left of me, in me, to me to give.... 
 I know that to the stranger reading these post makes it seem like the kids and Jay are monsters but they are not .... they are just who they are and right now I feel trapped. I feel alone and more tired than I can explain. I feel like I do whine a lot but not aloud, never aloud. I whine here.
 Jay get frustrated when speaking to me, I understand since I get frustrated too. To him it is going over things that we have handled years ago, to me it's all new. To me it is all overwhelming, to him it is just our life as it has been for a long time now. I can't apologize any more for things that I can't control and/or did not do on purpose. I am doing the best I can and I can't give any more.
In the same breathe I can't go on the way I have been. Some things will change, they have to. Or I am not sure I will be able to stick it out here, Lord knows I have tried and I am trying. I know no one ever said building that bridge to get over the past would be easy, I just can't find it in me today to pick up the fucking hammer for one more round. I worry that if I leave, does that make me the one that is weak? *sigh* I have to remind myself that it is ok to be not OK... it is ok to cry and have a bad day. I am also reminding myself that it is not fair to leave ME on the shelf ... 
 So it is time to move forward, not saying we will never back step but it is time to say goodbye to the past and stop trying so hard. I never wanted perfect but I think I did expect not to struggle this hard. I think I expected it to be worth it in the end and indeed it may be but right now it is not looking so.... blah just a bad day. 
So it is time to take some time out. It is time to give myself some space, time to take a deep breathe and let that what really does not matter slide. *smile* And a nap would not hurt in the least today. 

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Damn it I'm in that place once again!

I find myself in that horrible, disillusioned place once again. I hate my bedroom, since it is a living/den/bedroom all in one..... 
 I have a window sill that we made into a shelf for my tv, needless to say this did not work out so well, so the shelf became the Ninja kitty's favorite bed. Jay decided 3 days ago to move his stuff to the shelf along with my jewelry box and what not else. I warned him at the time that the Ninja kitty would knock it down but I know nothing .... 
 I soon got busy and honestly forgot about my box being on it until this morning and true to form the Ninja kitty jumped up there and my box went flying... I am still digging rings and tie tacks out from under my bed. I decided to clean the shelf back off and move our stuff to the bookshelf that lives by my bed that did nothing more than collect dust. In the process of cleaning and rearranging I find that I am in that place once again. 
 The damn it all to hell place where I don't know what I should put where or how. I want to spring clean our clothes but I have no idea what I will wear in the winter come the end of summer this year. I have no idea what falls to Jay's favorites and so forth. I am frustrated and tired. I am hating this room with a worse passion than I have felt since waking up. 
 I will admit something else here since I can. I hate the way Jay speaks to me on what ever I do. Nothing is ever "good enough" it is always, always, Always!, "well that is good but now do this or that or whatever". Take for example, the kids and I cleaned out the pool for them yesterday. Took 4 hours in the heat, we got it 98% done, I was not and am not worried about the last little bit since kids feet, bleach, and the filter will deal with it. I told the kids I was proud of them and good job! Jay comes in and goes "Good now get "this" brush re-scrub the bottom and add bleach". I could have beaten him black and blue. Within the last 2 weeks I have stopped asking him at all what he thinks about anything. I find that he can't do constructive criticism and I can't deal with his comments. That really sucks since he is the one I would expect the most support from. I have found there is no " WOW" factor any more for him. Nothing I do is surprising or good enough, I have not stopped trying yet, for when I do what I do, it is done for MY satisfaction but I did stop to wonder... Is this (his reaction) what lead me to stop trying before I woke up? Was he a major player in the role I had taken on to just go day to day and be mundane? 
 I find that I am not having a great week this week with my FM. I expected all my activity to catch up to me and it did. I am tired since I have woke every night for the last several between 2 and 3am... I hurt from bottom to top, not bad, not a screaming I can't deal pain but a deep dull ache, my everything aches. I want to cry so I guess I am hormonal it is about time again.... 
 Just Damn It All! I'm in that place once again and I hate it. I have no idea how to change it or make it better *sigh* today is just an icky day. 

Monday, March 12, 2012

NO set in stone schedule, new loves, and Nightmares....

So here we are again half way between I care and I could not give a rat's ass about anything.
 I get annoyed when unannounced visitors show up at my house during the day. I turn the ringer off on the phone for a reason. Let me explain. On of the many perks of homeschooling my children is that we have no schedule that has to be stuck to with iron clad rules..... That meaning we can do school work in our pj's or we can start at 8 am, or with mornings like this morning we did not get started till after 11 am.  We have really busy weeks that we totally kick it out and get all we need to get done, done. Then there are days when I know we will get nothing done so we do nothing. I hate it when my family shows up tho! It is just a big interruption to our day. I have to stop what I am working on, the kids get stopped, then it takes up to 30 minutes to get them redirected... pisses me off. I don't think it is to hard to understand that I don't want to be bothered till after 5 everyday. I must not be speaking American English any more .... I wonder if I switch to Bitch English will I be heard loud and clear then????? *sigh*
 So, moving on, my little baby dogs are a week old today and I am so in love! Jay told me I could keep the female, which the kids have started calling Bella, it fits. I have been with Jill (Mother dog) every step of the way and I am so relieved that I will be with Bella forever. When I thought I had to give them both up *both puppies* my heart broke. The day after they were born I had a picture of a chihuahua running through my head, of course I don't remember having a dog but I did and I loved this dog to pieces. So I am glad to have a new love. Don't get me wrong I love the little male pup too but he has a forever home to go to when he is old enough so ... I am a bit more reserved I think. 
 Now.... Nightmares! OMG, they have been so bad the last couple weeks. I have worked myself into falling down before I went to bed more days than not just to see if I could out run the nightmares, only to find I still get chased around the clock and wake around 3am covered in a cold sweat, trembling. This morning I had just barely come out of one where my 13yr old daughter was raped and refused to tell me who it was so that I could kill the bastard. Then her dog when nuts in her room... Now, Angel dog (Jami's puppy of 8 months) only barks like crazy when some one is here... I spring up from bed and ran through the house to Jami's room in less than 2 second. I was in full on Kick Ass, Protective Mother, Don't You Dare Touch My Kid mode. Only to find all was well .... I get Jami calmed down, Angel calmed down, the boys back to bed, be-still my pounding heart and step out side to sit a moment and smoke. Then I heard it, we have cats in our neighborhood, one is in heat, and they decided that the best place in the world to mate was under Jami's window. If you have ever heard a cat mating then you know they are LOUD, well, this scared Angel which made her bark like crazy and set off the chain of events described above. 
 I remember the nightmare with Jami in it which is odd since it was so horrible, and it is the first I have a dream with one of the kids in it. Most of the time I wake terrified and covered in sweat only to find when my eyes open and I set bolt straight in my bed I can only catch a fleeting glimpse of what the dream was. I only get vague impressions, just enough to know I was scared but it was only a dream. I hate that! I have had to deal with bad dreams since I woke in October. Some weeks are better some, like the last couple, are much worse. It has me asking today if it will ever get better and we can go back to the garden variety boogie man ones.... I don't think I liked those better but it is so much easier to dismiss a zombie as a nightmare than a memory that you don't remember that keeps trying to grab you. 
 Here we go again, let's take our hats off to Monday. Let's see if we can have us a grand week with no drama, no muss, no fuss....

Thursday, March 8, 2012

The Ramblings Of A Tired Mind....

  Been so hectic busy here, but all in a good way. Let me see if I can toss this out and then find repose in sleep since it is almost 3am.
  I have repainted every single wall that could be repainted in the last roughly 9 days. I have done all this alone. I have done all of this because since I woke up I have not felt like the house I live in is a HOME. That one word can mean so much. You can have a house live in it but it can't really be home until you make it your own and comfy. That is what I have set out to do. I am getting it done as well, slowly but surly, since I have to do the bulk of it alone. I begged for a while for Jay to help but he is the king of procrastination, and in his defense he works hard all week so, this is where I step in and I pick up the slack since this is something I desperately want done and he does not really care about. 
 The kitchen is now completely done! YAY! The boy's room needs just the trim to be done. Got angry with Jay for that one, I took Jess and Jonah to pick out the color they wanted ... they picked orange... fine with me, I did 2 walls and Jay said it was bad for lack of a better word. I left it orange for 3 days with my son going back and forth "I like it, I don't like it". On the 4th day Mommy stepped in went and bought Eggshell Almond and redid the whole room in that color. It is slightly darker than beige.. I love it and when all was said and done Jesse and Jonah LOVE it! Jami picked a dark blue (cringes) so we did her walls that color, and the trim that I will finish up tomorrow will be a light purple. The colors work well together I was amazed. When this is all over said and done I will feel like I have accomplished a good bit. I have work so hard on this and I am so satisfied with the results. Jami loves her room what more could I ask for?
 OK so on to a nicer note! I have PUPPIES! The arrived Monday, March 6, 2012. Two perfect precious little angels, one little girl and one little boy. My boys have taken to calling the little girl Bella even tho I told them we should not name her for a little while more *shrugs* Kids, what can you do?  My sister Tammie wants both of them but I have agreed to give her the male. Today working with the babies and just watching them I kept seeing a dog in my mind.... a tiny black and tan dog. Every time her face came to mind my heart broke a little more. I ask Jay when he got home if I had a dog, not a family dog but a ME dog... I did. I had 2 black and tan Chihuahuas. The baby one we got at 8 weeks old and we named her Baby... I have caught myself telling Jill *the doxie dog of my daughter's that had the puppies* "come on Baby dog we gotta go for a walk." Kind of a kick in the gut because I don't remember the dog but my heart grieves for the love that I feel and I lost if that makes any sense. 
 Jay saw this and understood thank god, he tells me "So, we're keeping Bella RIGHT?!" (God they got Jay doing it too, I so can't win this one lol) I can't think of having it any other way. My heart tells me I loved my chihuahua, and I know right now that I love Bella very very much, I have had my hands on this baby from the moment she was born, and now thanks to my loving husband I will have my hands on this baby the day she leaves us. That may seem morbid but it is not. God only gives us our pets to love for a little while, the worse thing I think I could ever ever do is say "I will NEVER get another one" ... that is not me... I loved one and I will love another this is in no way a slight to the pet I loved before. I am happy and sad this early morning... but here is the funny.. Jesse tells me "mom I have never had a dog" ..o.O "What honey? I never let you have a dog?" he answered "I never wanted one till now so if you decided to keep Bella I will help you train her and keep her safe." I really don't see this tiny little girl going anywhere ever. :)
 Now one more rant then I will head to bed since I think I have cried myself out for a while. If I see ONE more christian bitch about how Eve did us wrong I may go bonkers! HOLY HELL! Do I have a different copy of the bible than they do? In all my copies and all the translations it roughly says this "Eve took the apple then she TURNED to Adam and handed it to him." mmm Hello?! she turned to him.. meaning she did not have to go through Eden going "AAAAAAAAAAAAdam, hey AAAAAAdamn, Hey boy where is you?" So ok I will grant you she made a mistake .. but Adam was standing right there the whole time.. this is my take... If Adam had been any sort of a MAN at all..the minute the snake showed up he would have kicked his ass out of Eden. Adam should have said "Hold on a sec babe I got this!" but no.. he was a coward and just accepted what was handed to him. I think that when I get to heaven I will go kick Adam in the ass and ask him if he ever did grow a set of balls. *shrugs* not very nice I know but I am so sick of Christians blaming it all on Eve... she did not do it alone. That is my take on that. 
      I guess on that note I need to bring it to a close. Let's see, my eyes are finally getting heavy, this may come out as gibberish when I read it in the daylight but there will be no spelling errors with spell checker LOL. I am almost done with the house and I am happy with that. I get a new love in my life and I am thrilled with that I can't wait to watch her grow. All in All things are not so bad...

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Monster I've Become....

When I first woke up and looked around I swear I felt like a monster. I looked at my life, oh boy did I have an outsider view, and with in a month I was in destruction mode. I could not believe how thing were and how I had allowed them to be that way. 
 I took a good look at myself and I was so different inside, I did not recognize myself ..... In the last month I have decided that there are things, no matter how hard I try or what I destroy they will not change, and all I am doing is hurting the ones that love me. I think I need a little mercy and to step back, to take another look at this. 
 I'm not invincible, and I'm not indestructible, I am trying to hard since I want it all done NOW! I have to stop and remember to breathe.
So here we go I will change what I can in a gentle way, I will accept that I am only human, this is a process, and even tho I have changed overnight, everyone that I love did not. I must accept that I am different and a monster but that is ok, it's not over, and if my loves view me as a monster then it is only the monster they have made me. 
 I am finally at a point where I can ask for forgiveness for the damage that I have done in the last 4 months and to beg for mercy since I am not done yet. I am at a point where I can look to the end of the tunnel and see light, hope, a new tomorrow... This is not a bad point to be at. Who I am is not who I used to be and tonight I would not have me any other way. 

Monday, February 27, 2012

"Please help me understand......" NOT kid friendly

So, I was on it last night and I am still on it today. I worked hard and got no help... I have come to expect that in the last 4 months. I love Jay dearly but he is not constructive criticizer. I would have to say he is more just rude and that does not help my self-esteem at all.
 Which has lead me to this "Please help me understand why you can't talk man to man? but you can stand with you dick in your hand, your acting like a pussy man!" It fits weirdly enough. He is my love, my husband, but not what I would call my best friend. I talk person to person with my best friends. We don't have to hide things or faces or sides, we are just who we are... I think we should have that in our marriages but sadly that does not happen often. You put aside a lot for love and over look more for love. I know that it is this way since we don't live with our best friends so we can afford to be who we are... but if you live with some one then it all changes.
  With Jay sometimes I want to scream at him to stop being a pussy and hurting my feelings just to shut me .... Oh yeah I caught on to that last night the only reason he says the things he says they way he says the is to hurt me and shut me up.  Does it work? Yeah sadly enough. It works that way because I feel like I have done nothing but fight with him and the way things are since I woke up and I am tried of fighting. I am tired of the children seeing me spaz out over the way things are since to them this is the way it has always been. Will we be having another come to Jesus, call to the carpet meeting soon? yes .... will it change things? Sure for a hot minute or two. Will it be enough? Yes, for a minute or two :) I can live with that... 
   I just really wish sometimes he would Please help me understand.... I am not in a bad mood, I am not stressed for once, I am not to tired, I am achy a little but not to bad.. I am not in a bad place at all. :)

Sunday, February 26, 2012

From Annoyed to Blue in an hour

 So, I took a hot shower, scrubbed the paint and dust from my hair. Followed by a LONG HOT bath to get my muscles to stop twitching. While I soaked I took stock of myself.... I am not pleased. I have stretch marks from hell, my hair is down to my waist just about, I have 2 piercings, and a couple tattoo's that I don't remember. I have dropped around 8 pounds which would not be a big deal to any one else but to me it shows and I get remarks on it. 
  I love the nose piercing and I could take or leave the belly ring. I love my tiny infinity symbol on my wrist and I guess having Jay's name on my hip is not so bad. I hate the stretch marks they are so ugly. I was told I gained a huge amount of weight with the kids and that is where the stretch marks came from. Since I can't remember that part and all I see is an ugly thing to me it makes me sad. I don't mind being skinny but what I am so sick of is others telling me to add weight. Why is it that what is pleasing to us as a personal definitive of the word pleasing is always the opposite to others? *Shakes Head* I say if you are happy at 100lbs GREAT, if not then add weight, if you are happy at 300 GREAT, if not then drop some weight..Yes, I know it is hard work but if you are unhappy then fix it don't whine about it. I am happy at 100lbs I just wish others would back off me about it, that's all. My hair is another thing I am sick of almost. I don't remember it ever being this long. Yes I have pictures of it being down past my hips but I don't remember that, the only hair style I remember is short, short, short! It takes forever to wash and comb my hair out, then oh god to brush it out the next day... I will so pass thanks.
   I think at that point my brain went on auto pilot, just poof and I was in a fog so thick I can't put two words together and have them come  out correctly to save my life. 
 I am in a BIG anti-social mood. I just don't want to talk to anyone, the husband and kids included. My brother came by with his family to see what Jay was up to and did not even come inside to see me.... bastard! I guess the fog was so thick that he could not see me... I don't know but when his wife called a few minutes ago about their sick dog, I was not rude but I was curt. I am  only noticed when they need something and I am damn sure sick of it. 
 So, Jay tells me "you have to go to Walmart and buy me new shoes for work, I can't wear these in tomorrow."  o.O "What?! you knew they would get covered in red clay... oh hell naw do not expect me to run around for you tonight I worked just as hard as you did painting the kitchen ALONE! Go yourself." I am so not his mother. if he wants new shoes that badly he will have to go, I will not risk driving anywhere tonight with the fog as thick as it is. I am amazed that I have managed this blog post thus far but even though I am having to back up and retype things it is far easier to get it out in type form than in spoken.. and that sucks on a whole new level. 
 My darling daughter forgot her DSi with her Granny on Friday. I had warned her several times about that, and the fact that I would not run back across town Friday afternoons to get it for her. Well, I did not go Friday and got so busy Saturday I forgot to take her. I did take her in between coating the kitchen walls today. She has made us all a nice dinner and is happy as can be. With food taken care of I am free to lay on my bed, do another blog post, put head phones on and generally ignore everyone. 
 I feel like I worked my little ass off this weekend and got little done with no one to care. While the boys were outside I made sure they had drinks and I went out in between coats of paint to talk with them, tell them what a good job they were doing at such a hard task. I am just fed-up and tired I guess. I was so angry earlier tonight but that burned out fast and now I am just blue. I think that I am going to turn on the most boring thing I can find and call it an early, very early night. I am hoping that tomorrow I will get the last coat over the walls since it does indeed need another coat, and that it will be an easy day if at all possible. Here is to hopes and dreams. 

Annoyed Sunday

The best laid plans of mice and men... is it me or do they always fall to the way side with such easy? 
 Ok so we had a plan, or at least I did, Jay got the paint I needed but not the color I wanted for the kitchen. "WE" were supposed to sand and paint the kitchen..... that did not happen, what did happen was I sanded and painted the kitchen alone. Our ceilings are way over head it would have been nice to have some help on the HIGH parts since, HELLO I am not even 5 ft tall!.... Instead he decided to go out back and dig a big arse hole... I ended up climbing a ladder and on top of the counter top space to get every spot done. That I think I could and would have dealt with fine but in our yard you have about 18 inches of top soil then you hit sticky, thick, hard, just freaking nasty red clay. This is bullet proof dirt I swear! It sticks to everything! Leave it to the testosterone heavy men and boys that live with me to track in through the whole house! I am fuming.... I just finished white, white, white BLARING White walls in my kitchen... I am now wondering how long it will be before I get a nice little dirt hand print on it.
 So, I am cranky with Jay and with myself. On a personal note it makes no sense to me why I am so sore and wiped out. I am not out of shape and it is not that hard to paint, but I swear I am so tired at this point I am trembling. I am done with as much as I can do for this day and it pisses me of since I am not done with all I wanted to get done... I am angry because I know tomorrow will be a nightmare with pain and aches. I am angry that it did not have to be this way, I should never have had to do this alone but this is the way it is. I have found that it is easier to do it myself and deal with the personal fall out, than to pick a big fight and have help that resents the hell out of me. I am angry that I am falling into an old habit of putting on a "game face" and not showing how I really feel. I will admit it is easier to smile and nod in all the right places, much easier, than to expose all that is really here on how I feel. I am angry that the memories I lost have not come back, and that I still get hit with lows even after 4 months. I am angry that I can't sleep at night and end up walking the floors no matter how tired I am, or if I do get to sleep I never feel rested I wake just as tired as when I lay my head down. Damn, I am just angry today... 
 I had better drag myself to a shower and lay down for a bit before I fall down. 

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Still Busy, Puppies soon, and Cancer..

   Wow, crazy here let's loop ourselves back in. Tammie had surgery Monday and came out fine! She came home yesterday and it okay. I spent Monday doing running with the hospital and things. Got home Monday afternoon to find the dumb dog of my daughter's ready to have her babies, thank go that was a false labor but it did get my butt in gear to get the things ready for them... So off to the store I go to get what I need... I called home to ask Jay a question got hung up on he was way cranky... got home to find Jay and the mother in law in the yard.
 Jay's family and my family are close to say the least.... My father grew up with Jay's mother and brother... I grew up calling them aunt and uncle. Well, Jay uncle had a spot on his lung they found 4 months ago. Had it checked (4 months later! this was last Friday). At the time they found it they told him it was MILD COPD, and to quit smoking... they did the test thingy and lung ct Friday, got the results Monday. I knew all this, I was expecting something non-fatal, I mean come on ONE spot?!?! how could it be that bad? My mother in law was in tears, and I still tune up when I think of the results, the doctor has given him 6 months (best case) to live, the lung that had the one spot 4 months ago is completely eaten up with cancer. He is younger than my father and I used to spend every weekend during hunting season with him... 6 months?!?! On top of nothing can be done. They will do the radiation but that is just to kill what is there, and he was told to get his affairs in order. I am not sure at this point I have my brain around it. Of course the first thing I did was call my brother to tell him that I love him and just so he could cheer me up some.. oh and to tell him to get in touch with Daddy because I knew our Father would need him.
 Uncle Jeff was told to stop working and so on so forth, he refuses. His exact words were "the doctors don't know shit" well, OK then.... I say if he really does only have a few months left then let him be happy. Damn the cost to our own peace of mind, if working does it, if being on the volunteer fire-dept. does it then so be it! I want to go see him and hug him but right now he is in denial and until he accepts this for what it is I can't go to him, and that I guess is ok too..... I will do as I have been doing and just pray. 
 So over the last weekend we renovated the kitchen and since it has been so hectic we are still in the process of putting it back together.. fun, fun, fun. 
 Plus this last week I have not gotten much sleep, between the dumb fat prego dog, and Jesse having night terrors I am wiped. I don't know what do to for Jesse. I know that as a child around his age I had nightmares too that were horrible, but I had way more awful images in my head than he does and I shared a bed with my big sister so I was never alone!.... I will have to work on something tho, I hate the thought of him being alone and scared even if I am only a couple rooms away. Maybe a touch lamp or something, I don't know but ... OH! and Jay is so bad at this stuff! He yelled at my son last night! I could have freaking killed Jay. I swear Jay does not remember what it was like to be a little guy and be scared. He acts like his father, who was a very loving man but not compassionate at all. I know it is hard to go over and over the same ground with a 9 year old, I know it is not easy to repeat yourself since, I mean, Hey come on you are the adult tell you once and you got it but, give up he is a little boy. So I spent half the night with Jess then came to bed and did not say a word to Jay and I have not talked to him today either I am still mad at him. MEN!!
 I think that rounds out this last week more to come I am sure... but this is my brain drain for the week. I will leave you with AWOLNATION "Kill Your Heros"... 

Thursday, February 16, 2012

To Busy To Think...

The last few days have been full of stress, worry, and a hectic schedule! I have gotten the stress and worry under control and today I have the hope of not doing to much. 
 We got our income tax back so I got the bills paid and bought the kids what they wanted. I got a e-reader/tablet for me but I am not sure I am happy with it so it may go back. I got Jay a new GPS thingy (that bit of technology still amazes me, Jay assures me that it is MINE and he will just get to use it, I guess it is nice to never have to worry about getting lost again.) and a new desktop tower which he needed. I am thrilled with that too since it is mega fast and has lots of memory!
 Jesse got his first case of Athlete's Foot and I love Jesse to death but he is such a wussy. For 2 days every time I wanted to run do what ever he just cried, but let Jay get home and he was all better.... maybe it should not have but it really pissed me off. We went Tuesday night and got Jami her guitar, Jay's and my stuff but Jess was in to much agony to get his and Jonah's things. So last night I ran back to Tallahassee, after going to 2 different stores I got the boys what they wanted. All I have left is new clothes for them and we are set but they hate shopping so maybe Friday afternoon I will be able to go shopping. I did manage to grab "Plants Vs Zombies" for the PS3 for me and of course Jonah has taken that over, that is ok :)
 So it is raining here and dreary and I am cranky. I wanted to take a little money and spend a night/day away but that caused a fight not worth it. I even found a babysitter for the whole night but Jay refuses to go away with me and since he does not want me going alone .... I am screwed I guess.
 Okay, today is for doing as little as possible, for zoning, and relaxing. Next week is looking somewhat crazy, Tammie has to have surgery on Monday for several things and will be in the hospital till Wednesday or Thursday. Dad has a doctor's apt at 9 Monday morning then he is coming to keep my kids so that I can go to the hospital and be there with Mom. Fun, Fun, Fun. 
 Life is not so bad this week...Smile everyone, because the fun has just gotten started!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

There's never a right time to say goodbye

 So you come to the point in your life that you have to let go of things, people, the past. A point when you can't pretend any more, a spot where you have to figure out what you need for you in order to move on. I have decided that there is never a right time to say goodbye to a person you love dearly but that you should do it before they start hating you. You should do it before you say things to hurt them. 
 I know that this is not that person's fault but it is mine, I accept that, but that does not change the fact that for a week now this has needed to be done and I have put it off. There is never a right time. I am not the one to make snap decisions and after going over it all for a week, I have decided that I have to do this. 
 I am not who I was I accept that, they are not who I remember, I accept that too, but I hate the person they have become. I can't understand or deal with them the way they are now. So proud, self-centered, unbending, unable to see outside the box they are in, unsympathetic, with no empathy. I can't deal with that kind of person in my life right now, and tho I love them to death, I always will no matter what, it is better to say goodbye now than to have them hate me for what I have and am becoming. 
 It is hard to make this decision. I have spent many nights crying over it. I still feel that this is the best  step for me since I can't ignore or overlook it any longer. I have been told since I woke up to start taking care of myself and looking out for myself, I guess that starts with removing all turmoil from my life and trying to find a new balance with what I have now. 
 I always thought friends were supposed to build you up even if they disagree with you. I always thought friends were supposed to love you and support you even when they would rather scream at you. I am that kind of friend..... I forgive shortcomings in others and if I need to point them out I do it in a way that is not making them feel like I kicked them below the belt... that is what I thought friends do. I think that you can be honest, and have to be honest with the friends you love, in a way that is supportive and comforting. Is it any less the truth when you say it in a loving, tactful way? NO. But the words you use have an impact on how it is received and they have an emotional impact if you use the wrong words or use the words in the wrong way. 
 Right now I am hurting over a love that I have grown apart from, a love that does not understand or does not want to understand me any more. A love that I can't understand any more... I hope the old adage that time heals all will work quickly for me.  For the love I must step back from I am sorry, it is not you, it is me... you can't give me what I need and I have to figure out what I need before I can ask for it. What you do give me is confusion and heartache. I have had enough of that in the last 3 months that I can't deal with any more. I love you and I always will but for now this must be goodbye............

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Letting Go...

So, I got hit with some pretty deep depression. I am the kind of person, after having grown up with several bi-polar members in the house, I refuse to take anything that will alter my mood or mental state. IE I will not take anti-depressants. When I got really low and scared I reached out to one of the few friends that I have not cut out of my life since I woke up in October. Needless to say I did not find what I needed with this person. (Not a slap at this person just they could not give me the kind of support I need.)
 I got hit with a new kind of migraine Monday morning, an  Optical Migraine, which took away my ability to see. I did the whole neurologist thing again my brain is fine still, got treatment and got my sight back thank god. I was not scared when I lost my vision, I was calm which amazed me. Now that I can see again, I started seeing things in a new light and I started seeing a therapist. 
 I have now learned that I have to let go of the past, more over the parts and people that I remember. That for me, after everything, is hard. The people I remember are not the same. I am not the same. I went to the ones that I knew from before, the ones that I love dearly and was shocked at the responses. I have learned that I have lost the changes from experience personally they have not. I am left with the choice to let them go or to relearn who they are now. This includes my husband, siblings, and friends. 
 I am more relaxed and centered today than I have been in months and that is a nice thing. I do not know what the future brings. I do not know if the ones who are in my life will stay or if they will go but .... Today I am ok with that. 

Saturday, February 4, 2012

I am not one of our children and here we go again...

We arrive at that point again... with Jay and I, with the kids with it all.
 Since about a month after I woke up I noticed that Jay talks to me as he does the children. I HATE THAT! I handle a ton on daily basis and make split second decisions often. I am confident that I can handle everything but life and death situations which makes me even more angry that he speaks to me the way he does. What is worse I have no idea how to deal with it. I have ask him, pointed it out, even yelled at him about it and NOTHING...
I have no idea what to do with this situation.  So I fall back on ignoring it when possible and yelling when all else fails. 
 I have a new ... not problem but interesting situation my 9 year old is having night terrors. This just started and is very out of charter for him. We have tried all I can think of to do with and for him. Praying, staying with him, letting him sleep on the couch so on and so forth. Nothing seems to be working. Today I went out and got him a touch light for the "no see-em's" . This is a light that comes on or goes off with a touch. I am hoping this will work.
 Last night was not stellar at best. I got to sleep but could not stay asleep. Lots of tossing and turning. Then lots of up and downs. Got up early, made it to the bank and the store. I am still somewhat scared of triggering another migraine so  I am being careful. 
 Today holds not to much, rest, and regrouping from a what the hell week.. and hiding from the kids as much as I can. 
Happy Saturday everyone.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Ouch my head

Been a while since I posted, things are better in the stress area, not the insomnia but given time all things will work out I am sure.
 I got hit with a migraine Tuesday and it has had me bed bound in a dark room for 2 days. I feel guilty since I have not been able to do anything but the bare necessities to keep us going. Jay told me yesterday at lunch when it got bad to refill my migraine medicine so I called that in, by 3 today the pharmacy had not heard from my doctor. I was not complaining but being patient, Jay however is terrified that if I get to much pain I will lose my memories again. From my homework I know that is it way more likely for me to have it happen again than for any one else to ever have it happen, that however does not scare me since the worse that can happen is I have to relive the last few months. I went back to my happiest time in life *shrugs* I don't know but I am just not as scared. Jay knows me so well now that he when he does ask how I feel he can tell when I lie, which I do often, no, NOT proud of that but when you hurt a lot there is no point in complaining. He says he can tell just by the tone I use to answer even innocent questions... I do love this man. So, long story short he called the doctors office. On a good note they got my meds called in with in 30 minutes on a bad note they informed him he needs to come in with me and sign a release form to make medical decision and have information released to him. So I will take care of that tomorrow along with a few other chores that I could not handle earlier this week. I can fully understand a doctor's office taking 24 hours to review refills but more than that I wonder, especially since this is the second time this has happened. Worry for another day, since right now  I am medicated and Jay was POLITE, and really, come on, it does feel great to have him be protective over me!
 I am not in a bad place and that is nice. I am medicated but I do not have the medicated head that comes with heavy drugs. For the first time in a long time since I have woke up I do not hurt! at all, my fibromyalgia is not acting up and I bet it is the medication I take for my headache, this is nice.
 So I am going over the 4000000 movies of nothing I want to watch and nothing boring enough to put me out, then I thought, let's just blog to pust it out of my head. I was going over some of my Alice blogs, I love them but I find it hard to believe that I wrote them. I want to do another one but I am afraid that it will not be as good as the others, or will not tie in the same way or .... I am just scared that I will not be able to connect to that again... I guess I will have to try and find out. Then I will get feedback from my sister of the heart, and my stalker *grins*.
 I was thinking not everyone gets to take the mistakes they made over the span of a decade and a half, just erase them to start over for themselves. I did get that chance, I am not sure if I will make the same mistakes or all new ones. I am not sure what 15 years from now will find me as or doing or anything, but in the dark of night, for the first time in a long time I am ok with that. I know this is not the be all end all "wow" so to speak, I will have bad days, I will get stressed out, I will think "WTF?!?!" but at least for now I do not feel as daunted as I have in the past.....