Thursday, June 14, 2012

It will be worth it in the end...

Here we are again .... 
 Baby update: we moved my due date up by about a week to November 18th since I was measuring big. I have not put any stock in the due date anyway the baby will come when he/she is ready to be here. The heart beat was great yesterday, was funny the midwife had to chase the baby around my tummy to get a heart beat since the baby was busy moving. 
 I took Jami with me since she wanted to hear the heart beat, I think once she heard it for some reason this baby became more real to her. Well, that and since her bomb shell last week about "Mom you will love the new baby more than us" and I think she now knows that I could NOT love the new baby more than I love her, Jess, and Jonah.
 We go in 5 weeks to have an ultrasound to make sure our little one is growing ok, and I am sure there will be no problems. Plus we can find out what our little one's gender is, long as the baby will play nice with us for a moment and let us see the goods :). We, my friends, family, and I, are all excited, can't wait to know!
 On to the dental work.... *sigh* I will say it again, this is not the worse thing I have ever done to me but it is not a cake walk either. I have to keep telling myself that it will all be worth it in the end. I am having a full denture done for up top and more than likely a partial done for the bottom. So, all the top teeth , which were in horrible shape to begin with, have to be pulled. We did 3 yesterday. I have had a total of 8 done, but 3 of which was on the bottom (a wisdom tooth that was impacted which broke the jaw tooth in front of it, plus another broken jaw tooth). Yesterday was not to bad compared to the wisdom tooth, but I had to have a couple stitches as well.... and that is just weird. 
  Plus there was a new receptionist there that I did not know, and she was fussing about me double stacking my apt's up (which I will never do again, that is just to much running and stuff for one day on me and baby) and not listening to me. It is REALLY hard to speak with in the first couple hours after having a set of teeth pulled. I was trying to explain to her that I needed to come back in a week to have the stitches removed but she set the next time up for 2 weeks. My face was to numb and I was to frustrated to keep going around with her so I came home to deal with it later. I will call later today and double check since all the stitches I have ever had to deal with had to come out with in 7 to 10 days and not 14.
  I do  alright for the most part as long as I remember to keep my pain meds in my system, but late at night is the worse since you fall asleep and they run out. Then you wake up in pain and alone, just sad. When ever you have something like this done, something Big and what in the end will be life changing, you take a hit in the mean time to your self esteem. That is where I am at now. My smile was fucked before but now with most of the top teeth missing I so don't want to face anyone till this is all done. I have to keep telling myself  it will all be worth it in the end! And it will, God please, A new perfect smile and a new perfect baby to love on.  
 Last but not least.... I got home with my face beginning to wake up, exhausted, not brave enough to go to the pharmacy, frustrated since I could not reach Jay, and just out and out whooped. I could not get on my favorite social site and let everyone know at one time what the doctor said about baby since I have my very on drama llama that will copy my every statement. Major annoyance. My best friend tells me they understand but still ya know.. errr ... lol. Again I think it is only really a bugging factor when I am tired and hurting. Since my nearest and dearest know how my llama is they understand. 
 So this is how we end what has been a long week. Tomorrow is Friday, and I am ready to see the weekend :)

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Rant...

Yeah, yeah, I'm in that place once again. The place where nothing is right and if it can go wrong it already has more than likely. 
 Where do we start: No bedroom, Jami's lack of attention span, MIL, sick, to much to do in to little time....
   I know I have bitched repeatedly that I do not have a bed room and it is true I don't. What we have is a living room that my bed is in. In one way it is nice we all can hang out and watch tv together or play the computer games, whatever. On the other hand it fucking sucks! I have no privacy and that is just not right. I know, I know I am bitching again and nothing will change.... but sometimes you just have to bitch.
 I am sick, as I mentioned in an earlier blog post. I have a cold that is kicking my butt. I am tired sorry but that comes with having a cold I think partly and I don't know if any one has had the balls to mention before but I'm Pregnant and making a baby is HARD WORK! I am waking at odd hours between the baby and the cold. I get tired in the afternoons and I don't think it is asking to much to be allowed to take a nap if I need one....  Now can some one tell me why NO ONE in my known little universe will let me freaking sleep? And not it is NOT the kids in the house it is the phone, or people showing up or whatever. Lord don't let me have enough and turn the phone off then all hell does break loose ....(more on that in a minute).
 Yesterday the MIL comes over, unannounced which always annoys me but I over look it for the most part, to show me her new smart phone. *Rolls eyes* I don't know why she needs a smart phone but her daughter did it for her so ok is all I will say. So after she shows off her new toy she starts in on Jami Lynn... *deep breathe here* I looked at Jami and she gave me the "Mom don't freak out on us look" so I did not say anything in front of Barbara but I was LIVID. 
 Let me back up a bit, I was very active in my church before I woke up in October, I keep meaning to go back but every time I try something comes us, that is life and it will work out. But if I don't go then the kids don't either and that is not an issue with me. Apparently Jami was slightly fussing because she did not have any "real life friends" since she is home schooled and we don't go to church. I will admit that this is true but then again she goes over board because she is 13 it is NOT the end of the world but she is a teenager so ... enough said. Well the loving mother in law ask yesterday if my Grandmother goes to my church and indeed she does but my granny is OLD and I don't send my kids with her for several reasons that I will not get into here, we will leave it at family drama. But Barbara decided to tell Jami that she needed to get her little butt up and be at church with my Grandmother Sunday and find a friend or a little boy to befriend...... I saw red I swear, Jami ask me not to say a thing so I did not but EEEEERRR! Sometimes I wish my parents had not raised me to have such respect for my elders, I want to tell her off but she is Jay's mother and I just can't. 
 So, today when she called I was trying to sleep because I feel like curd, I ignored it and turn it plus my cell phone off. I need to rest. Before hand I had fielded calls from Jay asking me to look up an address for him, that bothers me too since I am not his office girl... let her freaking do it.... I am ill. So anyway, Jay gets in and the first thing out of his mouth is "Woman is your phone broken"... O.o "No the ringer is off since I just can't deal with your mother today." I have no voice by the way I sound like a little frog so talking is not big on my list today. "She was calling to apologize for stepping on your toes yesterday." Big freaking deal! Still don't want to talk to her. Honestly she should have just hushed to begin with. *Shurgs* 
 I am tired of going over and over things with Jami but her attention span or lack there of I have about decided comes from her Father's side of the family since I have been told he was the same way as a teenager. Still would be nice if she could do 3 thing in a row without me having to repeat what I ask her to do. *sigh, cough*
 I have 2 doctor apt.'s tomorrow. The first is for the baby and I am looking forward to hearing the little one's heart beat really! The second is the dentist, not looking forward to that but I will suck it up because I really do want a pretty smile. I just feel overloaded for the moment, probably because I am still tired and sick. 
 So that is the ranting novel.. tomorrow will be better I am hoping. 

Monday, June 11, 2012

Icky Summer Cold, and heart broken...

What I thought was just an allergy attack brought on by the cats at mom's, and congestion from to much crying over the last couple days had shown itself to be a full blown cold .... UGH!
 The whole coughing, sneezing, sniffling which just so you know crying only makes worse...
 I feel so bad just in general with a fever and so forth blah blah blah cold stuff, but when I have a coughing fit the poor little darling inside me does cartwheels, I swear the poor thing screams "earth quake! grab your umbilical cord and toes!" I mean I love to feel the baby moving but I worry that I am scaring my darling child half to death with the coughing... funny right? or maybe not.
 My heart is still hurting with my sister of the heart but I know that there are no words of comfort right now. I know that there is nothing I can do to make it better or fix it much as I would love to make it better or fix it. If there was a way to do either of those things I would in a heartbeat... *sigh* Sucks for sure...  
 I did buy her a small peace lily since I know how much her father loved his plants and I pray as this one grows her pain will ease. When her head stops spinning and I feel better I will take it to her. 
 So this is the start of a new week and the weather man swears for rain, which to quote a wife's tell from my mom's side of the family if it rains within 3 days of some one dying that means they made it to heaven... to me, for me that is a comfort. Today I will take all the comforting thoughts I can get :) On that note it is a movie, warm tea kinda of day... till next time...

Sunday, June 10, 2012

And It Was Done....

  The time came early this morning for my sister of the heart's father to leave us...and he slipped quietly from this world into the arms of angels that were singing, of this I am sure.
 My heart aches for her since she means so much to me. My heart breaks for her family and her children. We breathe a sigh of relief that Jim's suffering and long struggle is over but she will now face an emptiness of him no longer being there. I have no words of comfort, since all words at this point are hollow I think. 
 I can do no more than say a prayer for comfort and peace for them. 

Saturday, June 9, 2012

breaking heart, fragments of memories

My sister of the heart, the sister God did not give me by blood, my best friend's father is dying.... we have moved to the keep him comfy death watch. It breaks my heart. 
 I was talking to her today and she told me that with the way her bills and life are that she could not go to the hospital .... I called Jay crying and he took me to her with the money she needed. I love her and would do anything for her just as I would my blood siblings. 
 One of the hardest things about getting past amnesia is the heart knows even when the mind refuses to bare it out. When it is a happy emotion with the heart then you go "great!" and move one. But when it is sad or scary then you don't have the experience to fall back on, you don't know what you did to move past the way you feel. I get confused then angry since I thought after 7 months I had handled all the hurtles that could come up but I walked in that hospital room tonight and got hit with a flash of my father in law in bed in a coma. Just a flash that fragmented and washed away. My heart sank... and is still low. 
 I know I was my father in law's full time caregiver for 2 years day in and out. I know that he became my best friend and that I was with him alone the day he left us... I know this because I was told. what I do not know is what I did next....I feel like he left us just yesterday even tho it has been 10 years this December. My heart hurts. 
 I want to scream "God how much MORE must I take? Give my memories back or keep them for good but stop tormenting me please God..." I keep praying they will call come back tho I am not holding out much hope in that happening. I guess we will have to just take a deep breathe and wait to see. 
 Also today my darling oldest child broke my heart but not on purpose. She ask me if she could tell me what was bothering her about the baby that is on the way. I said of course! I wanted to know. "Mom I am afraid that you will love my new brother or sister more than you do us since you don't remember us"... *sobs* So I explained to her the same way I did above "the heart knows even when the mind does not want to bare it out". I told my darling children that the minute I looked at them after waking I KNEW that I loved them so very much, I knew I would die for them and I would kill to keep them safe. I will not love the new baby more I can't love any child more than I love the 3 here with me NOW ... I think she understands. Still broke my heart that she would think and feel that way. I guess that is another draw back of amnesia...
 So here we sit at 3am via internet with the friend still at the hospital. Thank god for the technology to be about to that! Can't be there in person then at least we can chat via instant message. Plus it is nice if you can't sleep at least you can go online and entertain yourself. 
 I have no idea how to close this other than to say more to come later ....

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Amazing yet.. disgusting... and heartbreaking...

Let's be frank here... being pregnant is amazing yet at the same time it brings some disgusting things with it.
 You grow a baby inside of you and that is just WOW! but then you get sick and in my case throw up every night for the first few months.           
   You begin to feel the first flutters of movement and you hold your breathe from one time till the next just to feel that flutter... but you also lose your figure, your clothes no longer fit. At first you get, from people that know you well (hopefully) fat comments, then it suddenly becomes "when is the baby due?" and that thrills your heart to no end.
 Your emotions go hay wire from I'm so happy one minute, to I am just going to sit and cry over NOTHING the next. Then you worry even when you should not, even when you say to yourself you will not. The thing is I can protect and prevent a lot of bad things for my children that are here already but there is not to much I can do if something goes wrong with the one that I am trying to get here... and that in and of itself can be nerve racking.
 Ok so we are moving along with this baby and I am not expecting any big problems, I just can't wait for him/her to get here so we can all hold him/her.

 On to another heartbreaking note.... My sister of the heart's father is dying. We have known for months now that he was sick, lung cancer and so forth. We tell ourselves we are ready, and that when the time comes we can be strong and brave. We indeed may manage that to a degree but still our hearts argue the why of it all (at least mine does). I grew up with this man, I have known him since I was 6 yrs old... and my heart is breaking for my sister .... there are no sage words, and no comfort when the death watch, wait game comes knocking. We get to the point we stop praying "God make them all better keep them with us" and we go to "God, grant them peace." We move on to "God comfort the family." We may not find acceptance in our hearts right away but we stop raging against nature and what must eventually be. 
 So that is where we are .... I am waiting for the call and praying for closure for the family.  

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Time for a change....

If it was done when it was done, then it was best that it was done quickly. 
 That being said let me say this: I have a love hate relationship with my hair. It had grown long, down to my waist again and while it was nice to look at it took time to do the upkeep, not much since I am a no fuss kind woman, but to wash then condition it no matter what I tried it was a 15 to 20 minute job. Now on bed-rest  I was told not to be on my feet for more than 10 minutes at the time .... dilemma on the horizon. Before I did anything drastic since as I said I do like my hair I ask for 2 days straight "Honey please come hold the shower head while I sit and wash my hair" I don't do well with begging, so after asking one more time today and getting told "I am busy" I took a set of scissors to my locks and snipped off almost 18 inches. It is now just above my shoulders and the wash time is down to 4 minutes flat. I was told I will regret doing this but I do not think I will, I thought about this for a couple hours and it is just hair... it will grow back it is not like a tattoo that I will have to live with forever. I am looking at it this way, I have to be dependent on others for soooooooooooo much that I was beginning to feel bad about myself and worthless... so if chopping off some hair helps me be independent on at least one thing the YAY!
 I think it all comes down to we do what we must do when it is crunch time just to keep our sanity and the hair removal was just something I had to do :)

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Growing a baby is hard work.....Bed-rest Sucks!

Let us back up a bit, Thursday night late I noticed a little big of blood when I wiped, I had a pretty bad backache and mild tummy cramps that were coming then going. Friday morning, still a tiny amount of blood and the cramps that come and went... sooooooooooo I called my nurse just to see if I should worry, she said probably not but go to the hospital and get checked just in case. I was not extremely concerned since I was still feeling the baby move, there was not a lot of blood and the cramps were not bad really. But still I needed to have a doctor tell me my cervix was not dilating and so forth.
 Spent 2 and 1/2 hours at the hospital, had one bad moment when the nurse could not find the baby's heartbeat right away but she explained that when the baby is only about 5 inches long depending on how they are laying it can take a couple minutes, but thank God! she found my little darling's heartbeat. So long story short I over did it Wednesday and Thursday and my uterus is cranky. The fix for this bed-rest for the next 4 or 5 days and when I do return to normal things do it slowly and don't over do it .... 
 I had to go to the hospital alone since everyone was busy or working, I did have my sister of the heart with me via internet (she has been the best support I could have ask for!) but .... I did get slightly upset since I was alone and if I had gotten bad news I would have had to deal with it all alone. 
 I am being a good Mommy, I am staying on bed-rest like I should, I have decided that I do not care if nothing gets done around here I am putting this baby first at all cost and I will catch up after the baby is born. I have also decided that bed-rest sucks! My hips are already complaining and all I want to do is sleep, I am beginning to worry that if this bed-rest get extended for the rest of the pregnancy I will get very very depressed. I am so bored being tied to the bed, I will do what ever it takes tho to make sure I give this little baby the best chance of staying where he/she should until November. It hit me hard yesterday, I knew I loved this baby and really want it but I did not know HOW attached I was until the nurse had to look for the heartbeat for a couple minutes. I cried when she found it I was so relieved! 
 So here we are I am on bed-rest not to happy but the cramps have stopped and in a couple of days things will be good again. I will now stop more and do small amounts at a time. Me thinks this will be a LONG 4 or 5 days lol.