Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Monster I've Become....

When I first woke up and looked around I swear I felt like a monster. I looked at my life, oh boy did I have an outsider view, and with in a month I was in destruction mode. I could not believe how thing were and how I had allowed them to be that way. 
 I took a good look at myself and I was so different inside, I did not recognize myself ..... In the last month I have decided that there are things, no matter how hard I try or what I destroy they will not change, and all I am doing is hurting the ones that love me. I think I need a little mercy and to step back, to take another look at this. 
 I'm not invincible, and I'm not indestructible, I am trying to hard since I want it all done NOW! I have to stop and remember to breathe.
So here we go I will change what I can in a gentle way, I will accept that I am only human, this is a process, and even tho I have changed overnight, everyone that I love did not. I must accept that I am different and a monster but that is ok, it's not over, and if my loves view me as a monster then it is only the monster they have made me. 
 I am finally at a point where I can ask for forgiveness for the damage that I have done in the last 4 months and to beg for mercy since I am not done yet. I am at a point where I can look to the end of the tunnel and see light, hope, a new tomorrow... This is not a bad point to be at. Who I am is not who I used to be and tonight I would not have me any other way. 

Monday, February 27, 2012

"Please help me understand......" NOT kid friendly

So, I was on it last night and I am still on it today. I worked hard and got no help... I have come to expect that in the last 4 months. I love Jay dearly but he is not constructive criticizer. I would have to say he is more just rude and that does not help my self-esteem at all.
 Which has lead me to this "Please help me understand why you can't talk man to man? but you can stand with you dick in your hand, your acting like a pussy man!" It fits weirdly enough. He is my love, my husband, but not what I would call my best friend. I talk person to person with my best friends. We don't have to hide things or faces or sides, we are just who we are... I think we should have that in our marriages but sadly that does not happen often. You put aside a lot for love and over look more for love. I know that it is this way since we don't live with our best friends so we can afford to be who we are... but if you live with some one then it all changes.
  With Jay sometimes I want to scream at him to stop being a pussy and hurting my feelings just to shut me .... Oh yeah I caught on to that last night the only reason he says the things he says they way he says the is to hurt me and shut me up.  Does it work? Yeah sadly enough. It works that way because I feel like I have done nothing but fight with him and the way things are since I woke up and I am tried of fighting. I am tired of the children seeing me spaz out over the way things are since to them this is the way it has always been. Will we be having another come to Jesus, call to the carpet meeting soon? yes .... will it change things? Sure for a hot minute or two. Will it be enough? Yes, for a minute or two :) I can live with that... 
   I just really wish sometimes he would Please help me understand.... I am not in a bad mood, I am not stressed for once, I am not to tired, I am achy a little but not to bad.. I am not in a bad place at all. :)

Sunday, February 26, 2012

From Annoyed to Blue in an hour

 So, I took a hot shower, scrubbed the paint and dust from my hair. Followed by a LONG HOT bath to get my muscles to stop twitching. While I soaked I took stock of myself.... I am not pleased. I have stretch marks from hell, my hair is down to my waist just about, I have 2 piercings, and a couple tattoo's that I don't remember. I have dropped around 8 pounds which would not be a big deal to any one else but to me it shows and I get remarks on it. 
  I love the nose piercing and I could take or leave the belly ring. I love my tiny infinity symbol on my wrist and I guess having Jay's name on my hip is not so bad. I hate the stretch marks they are so ugly. I was told I gained a huge amount of weight with the kids and that is where the stretch marks came from. Since I can't remember that part and all I see is an ugly thing to me it makes me sad. I don't mind being skinny but what I am so sick of is others telling me to add weight. Why is it that what is pleasing to us as a personal definitive of the word pleasing is always the opposite to others? *Shakes Head* I say if you are happy at 100lbs GREAT, if not then add weight, if you are happy at 300 GREAT, if not then drop some weight..Yes, I know it is hard work but if you are unhappy then fix it don't whine about it. I am happy at 100lbs I just wish others would back off me about it, that's all. My hair is another thing I am sick of almost. I don't remember it ever being this long. Yes I have pictures of it being down past my hips but I don't remember that, the only hair style I remember is short, short, short! It takes forever to wash and comb my hair out, then oh god to brush it out the next day... I will so pass thanks.
   I think at that point my brain went on auto pilot, just poof and I was in a fog so thick I can't put two words together and have them come  out correctly to save my life. 
 I am in a BIG anti-social mood. I just don't want to talk to anyone, the husband and kids included. My brother came by with his family to see what Jay was up to and did not even come inside to see me.... bastard! I guess the fog was so thick that he could not see me... I don't know but when his wife called a few minutes ago about their sick dog, I was not rude but I was curt. I am  only noticed when they need something and I am damn sure sick of it. 
 So, Jay tells me "you have to go to Walmart and buy me new shoes for work, I can't wear these in tomorrow."  o.O "What?! you knew they would get covered in red clay... oh hell naw do not expect me to run around for you tonight I worked just as hard as you did painting the kitchen ALONE! Go yourself." I am so not his mother. if he wants new shoes that badly he will have to go, I will not risk driving anywhere tonight with the fog as thick as it is. I am amazed that I have managed this blog post thus far but even though I am having to back up and retype things it is far easier to get it out in type form than in spoken.. and that sucks on a whole new level. 
 My darling daughter forgot her DSi with her Granny on Friday. I had warned her several times about that, and the fact that I would not run back across town Friday afternoons to get it for her. Well, I did not go Friday and got so busy Saturday I forgot to take her. I did take her in between coating the kitchen walls today. She has made us all a nice dinner and is happy as can be. With food taken care of I am free to lay on my bed, do another blog post, put head phones on and generally ignore everyone. 
 I feel like I worked my little ass off this weekend and got little done with no one to care. While the boys were outside I made sure they had drinks and I went out in between coats of paint to talk with them, tell them what a good job they were doing at such a hard task. I am just fed-up and tired I guess. I was so angry earlier tonight but that burned out fast and now I am just blue. I think that I am going to turn on the most boring thing I can find and call it an early, very early night. I am hoping that tomorrow I will get the last coat over the walls since it does indeed need another coat, and that it will be an easy day if at all possible. Here is to hopes and dreams. 

Annoyed Sunday

The best laid plans of mice and men... is it me or do they always fall to the way side with such easy? 
 Ok so we had a plan, or at least I did, Jay got the paint I needed but not the color I wanted for the kitchen. "WE" were supposed to sand and paint the kitchen..... that did not happen, what did happen was I sanded and painted the kitchen alone. Our ceilings are way over head it would have been nice to have some help on the HIGH parts since, HELLO I am not even 5 ft tall!.... Instead he decided to go out back and dig a big arse hole... I ended up climbing a ladder and on top of the counter top space to get every spot done. That I think I could and would have dealt with fine but in our yard you have about 18 inches of top soil then you hit sticky, thick, hard, just freaking nasty red clay. This is bullet proof dirt I swear! It sticks to everything! Leave it to the testosterone heavy men and boys that live with me to track in through the whole house! I am fuming.... I just finished white, white, white BLARING White walls in my kitchen... I am now wondering how long it will be before I get a nice little dirt hand print on it.
 So, I am cranky with Jay and with myself. On a personal note it makes no sense to me why I am so sore and wiped out. I am not out of shape and it is not that hard to paint, but I swear I am so tired at this point I am trembling. I am done with as much as I can do for this day and it pisses me of since I am not done with all I wanted to get done... I am angry because I know tomorrow will be a nightmare with pain and aches. I am angry that it did not have to be this way, I should never have had to do this alone but this is the way it is. I have found that it is easier to do it myself and deal with the personal fall out, than to pick a big fight and have help that resents the hell out of me. I am angry that I am falling into an old habit of putting on a "game face" and not showing how I really feel. I will admit it is easier to smile and nod in all the right places, much easier, than to expose all that is really here on how I feel. I am angry that the memories I lost have not come back, and that I still get hit with lows even after 4 months. I am angry that I can't sleep at night and end up walking the floors no matter how tired I am, or if I do get to sleep I never feel rested I wake just as tired as when I lay my head down. Damn, I am just angry today... 
 I had better drag myself to a shower and lay down for a bit before I fall down. 

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Still Busy, Puppies soon, and Cancer..

   Wow, crazy here let's loop ourselves back in. Tammie had surgery Monday and came out fine! She came home yesterday and it okay. I spent Monday doing running with the hospital and things. Got home Monday afternoon to find the dumb dog of my daughter's ready to have her babies, thank go that was a false labor but it did get my butt in gear to get the things ready for them... So off to the store I go to get what I need... I called home to ask Jay a question got hung up on he was way cranky... got home to find Jay and the mother in law in the yard.
 Jay's family and my family are close to say the least.... My father grew up with Jay's mother and brother... I grew up calling them aunt and uncle. Well, Jay uncle had a spot on his lung they found 4 months ago. Had it checked (4 months later! this was last Friday). At the time they found it they told him it was MILD COPD, and to quit smoking... they did the test thingy and lung ct Friday, got the results Monday. I knew all this, I was expecting something non-fatal, I mean come on ONE spot?!?! how could it be that bad? My mother in law was in tears, and I still tune up when I think of the results, the doctor has given him 6 months (best case) to live, the lung that had the one spot 4 months ago is completely eaten up with cancer. He is younger than my father and I used to spend every weekend during hunting season with him... 6 months?!?! On top of nothing can be done. They will do the radiation but that is just to kill what is there, and he was told to get his affairs in order. I am not sure at this point I have my brain around it. Of course the first thing I did was call my brother to tell him that I love him and just so he could cheer me up some.. oh and to tell him to get in touch with Daddy because I knew our Father would need him.
 Uncle Jeff was told to stop working and so on so forth, he refuses. His exact words were "the doctors don't know shit" well, OK then.... I say if he really does only have a few months left then let him be happy. Damn the cost to our own peace of mind, if working does it, if being on the volunteer fire-dept. does it then so be it! I want to go see him and hug him but right now he is in denial and until he accepts this for what it is I can't go to him, and that I guess is ok too..... I will do as I have been doing and just pray. 
 So over the last weekend we renovated the kitchen and since it has been so hectic we are still in the process of putting it back together.. fun, fun, fun. 
 Plus this last week I have not gotten much sleep, between the dumb fat prego dog, and Jesse having night terrors I am wiped. I don't know what do to for Jesse. I know that as a child around his age I had nightmares too that were horrible, but I had way more awful images in my head than he does and I shared a bed with my big sister so I was never alone!.... I will have to work on something tho, I hate the thought of him being alone and scared even if I am only a couple rooms away. Maybe a touch lamp or something, I don't know but ... OH! and Jay is so bad at this stuff! He yelled at my son last night! I could have freaking killed Jay. I swear Jay does not remember what it was like to be a little guy and be scared. He acts like his father, who was a very loving man but not compassionate at all. I know it is hard to go over and over the same ground with a 9 year old, I know it is not easy to repeat yourself since, I mean, Hey come on you are the adult tell you once and you got it but, give up he is a little boy. So I spent half the night with Jess then came to bed and did not say a word to Jay and I have not talked to him today either I am still mad at him. MEN!!
 I think that rounds out this last week more to come I am sure... but this is my brain drain for the week. I will leave you with AWOLNATION "Kill Your Heros"... 

Thursday, February 16, 2012

To Busy To Think...

The last few days have been full of stress, worry, and a hectic schedule! I have gotten the stress and worry under control and today I have the hope of not doing to much. 
 We got our income tax back so I got the bills paid and bought the kids what they wanted. I got a e-reader/tablet for me but I am not sure I am happy with it so it may go back. I got Jay a new GPS thingy (that bit of technology still amazes me, Jay assures me that it is MINE and he will just get to use it, I guess it is nice to never have to worry about getting lost again.) and a new desktop tower which he needed. I am thrilled with that too since it is mega fast and has lots of memory!
 Jesse got his first case of Athlete's Foot and I love Jesse to death but he is such a wussy. For 2 days every time I wanted to run do what ever he just cried, but let Jay get home and he was all better.... maybe it should not have but it really pissed me off. We went Tuesday night and got Jami her guitar, Jay's and my stuff but Jess was in to much agony to get his and Jonah's things. So last night I ran back to Tallahassee, after going to 2 different stores I got the boys what they wanted. All I have left is new clothes for them and we are set but they hate shopping so maybe Friday afternoon I will be able to go shopping. I did manage to grab "Plants Vs Zombies" for the PS3 for me and of course Jonah has taken that over, that is ok :)
 So it is raining here and dreary and I am cranky. I wanted to take a little money and spend a night/day away but that caused a fight not worth it. I even found a babysitter for the whole night but Jay refuses to go away with me and since he does not want me going alone .... I am screwed I guess.
 Okay, today is for doing as little as possible, for zoning, and relaxing. Next week is looking somewhat crazy, Tammie has to have surgery on Monday for several things and will be in the hospital till Wednesday or Thursday. Dad has a doctor's apt at 9 Monday morning then he is coming to keep my kids so that I can go to the hospital and be there with Mom. Fun, Fun, Fun. 
 Life is not so bad this week...Smile everyone, because the fun has just gotten started!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

There's never a right time to say goodbye

 So you come to the point in your life that you have to let go of things, people, the past. A point when you can't pretend any more, a spot where you have to figure out what you need for you in order to move on. I have decided that there is never a right time to say goodbye to a person you love dearly but that you should do it before they start hating you. You should do it before you say things to hurt them. 
 I know that this is not that person's fault but it is mine, I accept that, but that does not change the fact that for a week now this has needed to be done and I have put it off. There is never a right time. I am not the one to make snap decisions and after going over it all for a week, I have decided that I have to do this. 
 I am not who I was I accept that, they are not who I remember, I accept that too, but I hate the person they have become. I can't understand or deal with them the way they are now. So proud, self-centered, unbending, unable to see outside the box they are in, unsympathetic, with no empathy. I can't deal with that kind of person in my life right now, and tho I love them to death, I always will no matter what, it is better to say goodbye now than to have them hate me for what I have and am becoming. 
 It is hard to make this decision. I have spent many nights crying over it. I still feel that this is the best  step for me since I can't ignore or overlook it any longer. I have been told since I woke up to start taking care of myself and looking out for myself, I guess that starts with removing all turmoil from my life and trying to find a new balance with what I have now. 
 I always thought friends were supposed to build you up even if they disagree with you. I always thought friends were supposed to love you and support you even when they would rather scream at you. I am that kind of friend..... I forgive shortcomings in others and if I need to point them out I do it in a way that is not making them feel like I kicked them below the belt... that is what I thought friends do. I think that you can be honest, and have to be honest with the friends you love, in a way that is supportive and comforting. Is it any less the truth when you say it in a loving, tactful way? NO. But the words you use have an impact on how it is received and they have an emotional impact if you use the wrong words or use the words in the wrong way. 
 Right now I am hurting over a love that I have grown apart from, a love that does not understand or does not want to understand me any more. A love that I can't understand any more... I hope the old adage that time heals all will work quickly for me.  For the love I must step back from I am sorry, it is not you, it is me... you can't give me what I need and I have to figure out what I need before I can ask for it. What you do give me is confusion and heartache. I have had enough of that in the last 3 months that I can't deal with any more. I love you and I always will but for now this must be goodbye............

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Letting Go...

So, I got hit with some pretty deep depression. I am the kind of person, after having grown up with several bi-polar members in the house, I refuse to take anything that will alter my mood or mental state. IE I will not take anti-depressants. When I got really low and scared I reached out to one of the few friends that I have not cut out of my life since I woke up in October. Needless to say I did not find what I needed with this person. (Not a slap at this person just they could not give me the kind of support I need.)
 I got hit with a new kind of migraine Monday morning, an  Optical Migraine, which took away my ability to see. I did the whole neurologist thing again my brain is fine still, got treatment and got my sight back thank god. I was not scared when I lost my vision, I was calm which amazed me. Now that I can see again, I started seeing things in a new light and I started seeing a therapist. 
 I have now learned that I have to let go of the past, more over the parts and people that I remember. That for me, after everything, is hard. The people I remember are not the same. I am not the same. I went to the ones that I knew from before, the ones that I love dearly and was shocked at the responses. I have learned that I have lost the changes from experience personally they have not. I am left with the choice to let them go or to relearn who they are now. This includes my husband, siblings, and friends. 
 I am more relaxed and centered today than I have been in months and that is a nice thing. I do not know what the future brings. I do not know if the ones who are in my life will stay or if they will go but .... Today I am ok with that. 

Saturday, February 4, 2012

I am not one of our children and here we go again...

We arrive at that point again... with Jay and I, with the kids with it all.
 Since about a month after I woke up I noticed that Jay talks to me as he does the children. I HATE THAT! I handle a ton on daily basis and make split second decisions often. I am confident that I can handle everything but life and death situations which makes me even more angry that he speaks to me the way he does. What is worse I have no idea how to deal with it. I have ask him, pointed it out, even yelled at him about it and NOTHING...
I have no idea what to do with this situation.  So I fall back on ignoring it when possible and yelling when all else fails. 
 I have a new ... not problem but interesting situation my 9 year old is having night terrors. This just started and is very out of charter for him. We have tried all I can think of to do with and for him. Praying, staying with him, letting him sleep on the couch so on and so forth. Nothing seems to be working. Today I went out and got him a touch light for the "no see-em's" . This is a light that comes on or goes off with a touch. I am hoping this will work.
 Last night was not stellar at best. I got to sleep but could not stay asleep. Lots of tossing and turning. Then lots of up and downs. Got up early, made it to the bank and the store. I am still somewhat scared of triggering another migraine so  I am being careful. 
 Today holds not to much, rest, and regrouping from a what the hell week.. and hiding from the kids as much as I can. 
Happy Saturday everyone.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Ouch my head

Been a while since I posted, things are better in the stress area, not the insomnia but given time all things will work out I am sure.
 I got hit with a migraine Tuesday and it has had me bed bound in a dark room for 2 days. I feel guilty since I have not been able to do anything but the bare necessities to keep us going. Jay told me yesterday at lunch when it got bad to refill my migraine medicine so I called that in, by 3 today the pharmacy had not heard from my doctor. I was not complaining but being patient, Jay however is terrified that if I get to much pain I will lose my memories again. From my homework I know that is it way more likely for me to have it happen again than for any one else to ever have it happen, that however does not scare me since the worse that can happen is I have to relive the last few months. I went back to my happiest time in life *shrugs* I don't know but I am just not as scared. Jay knows me so well now that he when he does ask how I feel he can tell when I lie, which I do often, no, NOT proud of that but when you hurt a lot there is no point in complaining. He says he can tell just by the tone I use to answer even innocent questions... I do love this man. So, long story short he called the doctors office. On a good note they got my meds called in with in 30 minutes on a bad note they informed him he needs to come in with me and sign a release form to make medical decision and have information released to him. So I will take care of that tomorrow along with a few other chores that I could not handle earlier this week. I can fully understand a doctor's office taking 24 hours to review refills but more than that I wonder, especially since this is the second time this has happened. Worry for another day, since right now  I am medicated and Jay was POLITE, and really, come on, it does feel great to have him be protective over me!
 I am not in a bad place and that is nice. I am medicated but I do not have the medicated head that comes with heavy drugs. For the first time in a long time since I have woke up I do not hurt! at all, my fibromyalgia is not acting up and I bet it is the medication I take for my headache, this is nice.
 So I am going over the 4000000 movies of nothing I want to watch and nothing boring enough to put me out, then I thought, let's just blog to pust it out of my head. I was going over some of my Alice blogs, I love them but I find it hard to believe that I wrote them. I want to do another one but I am afraid that it will not be as good as the others, or will not tie in the same way or .... I am just scared that I will not be able to connect to that again... I guess I will have to try and find out. Then I will get feedback from my sister of the heart, and my stalker *grins*.
 I was thinking not everyone gets to take the mistakes they made over the span of a decade and a half, just erase them to start over for themselves. I did get that chance, I am not sure if I will make the same mistakes or all new ones. I am not sure what 15 years from now will find me as or doing or anything, but in the dark of night, for the first time in a long time I am ok with that. I know this is not the be all end all "wow" so to speak, I will have bad days, I will get stressed out, I will think "WTF?!?!" but at least for now I do not feel as daunted as I have in the past.....