Saturday, December 31, 2011


Tonight finds us at the end of a year, of which I only remember the last 2 months.  I can look back and see how far I have come in the years that I don't remember as well as in the last couple months that I do remember. 
 Tonight finds me sad, for a few reasons. Tonight finds me feeling like an epic failure on many levels. Tonight finds me hoping for a new outlook that comes with the new year tomorrow with the sun, or tonight with the turn of the clock from 2011 to 2012.  Tonight finds me wanting to say goodbye to a lot of things, not all bad but then again not all good either. Tonight finds me hating the night on a new level of hate, one I had yet to reach but here it is. 
 I don't mean to be so dreary but I can't  seem to find it in me to care or to smile.. honestly Fuck this... I am glad that this year has ended and that a new one is to begin. 
 Tonight finds me tired on more than a physical level. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired honestly. I am physically tired since it was not a great night last night but that is just about what I would call normal now. I am mentally exhausted trying to balance what I need to be against, not with, what I am. My heart is tired of trying to hard to be what I need to be but I am lacking severely in more ways than one. My brain hurts from juggling so much, and dealing with so much. I am tired of being told not to be so rude, when sometimes rude is the only thing that works... I am tired of being told how I was verses how I am... Trust me by now I get it.... I wish everyone could just shut up. OH and that is another thing! I am tired of being told to "shut up"... If I hear that one more time I will scream then leave. I am tired of screaming to be heard too. It really blows when you have to be LOUD and RUDE to be heard and noticed. "What?! O.O OMG she has something to say!?!" DUUUUUUUHHHHHH! *sigh* (shakes head) 
 Tonight brings a new understanding of why people with amnesia commit suicide or leave the families they wake up to. Neither one of those are an options I am entertaining, don't worry my friends, but I do completely understand them tonight. 
 Tonight finds me saying Thank God that this year is over and that maybe come tomorrow we will start anew. With fresh eyes, better compassion, more understanding and if not sympathy then empathy, you can't be where I am but you can feel for me through my words. 
So... Goodbye 2011.  

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

ACHOO! and Ewww, Ewww and sorry but EWWWWW!

So it is official I have the kids cold. Not sure if you can get the flu twice in a year but I am hoping that you can't.
I am so ill. I hate the fact I am not a good sick person, and it seems if the kids get it then so do I the minute I get them well. Just Nasty! When I feel the worse, is when I need the most love, so not going to happen in my house. Don't pity me, but I am so wimpy tonight.
 So the not so great side, or the great side of amnesia .... pick your own here... I met my niece's father last night, drew a total blank on that one. Just another stranger in a long list of stranger to me. I guess I did not miss much there and I am not going to miss much. That is the first Ewww, Ok.. and "who the hell are you?" topped with a "Jay someone is here, and big lanky man, get your ass out here!" and I left him with Jay pretty much. 
 Also, this is somewhat sad but I lost a nephew 1-11-06 ... will be 6 years ago next month. I am all for grieving but I am the type of person I will not air it for all to see. My sister-in-law must not be this way. She has posted pictures of this dead baby.. EWWWWWWWW! sorry but EWWWWWW! No that is just wrong. I will not tell her to not grieve or snap out of it or what ever but I so am not going to see those kinds of things. Thank God Facebook has an unsubscribe button so that she does not show up on my time line. If she post to much on my page I will have to toss her off my friends list. That is so not to be mean but hey.. that is just gross to me sorry but *shrugs* that is how I feel. I may have to call E up soon and talk to him. I understand the pain and grieving and how you think of the ones that you lost, I get it since I lost my first to a miscarriage on 12/1/97. I still think of that baby every year! That one would be 14 this year it is like I have lost a small part of my heart. So, yeah I get it, but I don't dwell on it. Damn what is the point? I have 3 kids that are healthy, beautiful, smart and the loves of my life.... I can't replace the one I lost but there is no point in hanging on the the what will never be's. That is just sad, and makes me pity her all the more. I think part of maturity is being able to move on, if not let go, accept and find peace without dragging everyone around you down in the process. But, hey that's me and I could be wrong, either way I will not have that on my page nor allow my daughter to see that. I have unfriended her on Jami's page.. I am waiting for the smart ass comment about that but *shrugs* I will do what I feel I must to protect my child even if that means hurting your feelings. That also implies that I don't care who you are to her, father, grandmother, grandfather, uncle, aunt... it matters not one iota to me. My family tells me I am scary when I am angry with others over them.. I can so totally see that.
 So tonight finds me with cold meds in my system, kicking around a new Alice blog post and just meh, to coin a phrase from a beloved sister of the heart. I am trying to remember to drink lots of fluid and rest. I hope the morning sun does not come up soon I so need the rest *smile*.

Monday, December 26, 2011

The Day After...

It is the day after Christmas, let's see where we are.
 UGH! all 3 kids are sick with colds, and they shared! ugh ugh ugh! The lasagna went off with out a hitch, it was perfect. The kids loved their gifts, Jay was happy with his presents, and I was happy with mine. Jesse also had his very first sleep over and they did an "awake-a-thon" in which my niece A kicked his butt by almost 3 am,  *laughs softly* I remember those days. Hide and Seek with Angel at midnight, when they were too scared to go outside but I was raised with the Hunting Freak and had no hang-ups about being outside in the dark at all.... I think that was a life-time ago now.
 Let's see Jay and I had words Christmas eve over the dogs, and we have a new agreement, plus Jami has a new set of rules for them. None of our pets are inside except the ones that stay in tanks, the dogs, and the ninja kitty. So, yeah OKAY I get it, she needs better control of her dogs, and she has one month to get it into shape, with my help she will make it. Jay can threaten all he likes, personally I don't think I would miss the dogs to much but they are Jami's joy so, I can't allow him to upset my kid like that. Long as he NEVER threatens the Ninja Kitty we are all good. Well, I say that, the weird thing is that Jami's cat "Princess" had decided that she wants to be mine now too. I never saw myself as a "cat-person" but I guess this is cool. All in, except the fact that, Princess and Benny are NOTHING LIKE! Princess is more vocal and wants to be on your lap to be loved on (only with me, everyone else she runs from). Benny just wants to be by you but not touched by you unless he comes to your hand, and if you touch him he is likely to attack what ever you touched him with, funny as hell when it is Jay or the kids getting attacked. Like they don't know the rules, which they do, they just ignore them... Funny! We do have another cat, a big FAT orange fluffy thing Jesse calls "Garfield". He is the definition of an ally cat. He comes home only to eat and hangs out then leaves again, sometimes for weeks at the time. That one is all Jesse's.  So Jay can threaten the dogs, hell the fish too for all I care but the cats are not to be touched! Putting my little foot down here with a "try me" dare tossed over my shoulder.
 Yesterday was spent with the loving Mother in law.... and for me it was weird. She went out of her way and stepped on my toes on more than one occasion, and kept repeating things that were just depressing. I ask Jay if she was searching for a reaction and was unhappy with mine... His answer was that if I had remembered I would be more compassionate. While this may be true it does not change the fact that I don't remember and therefore don't care, the truth can suck at times but it is all I have left to deal with. On that front, with her at least, I am giving all I can, plus sorry but I don't care to give more even if I could.
 I have finally gotten to the place that I am not upset when I get ask things I don't remember... except if you ask me more than one time on different things. Like, for instance, I have the most precious black boots, they are freaking darling! When ask where do you got them I always answer "well, I can tell you I have had them more than 2 months ." Then I laugh, it is humorous now to me, but when I told her that she then decided to bring out pictures ummmm if I don't remember where I got the boots I will not remember anything it that hard to get? Time, people, places, events are all GONE! I am not sure if they will ever come back. A month ago that would have really upset me but now it is just ... how it is. So she goes:  "This person goes to your church"... "Great Barbara, since I don't know who goes to my church"......."Where did you get your glasses I think they need to be adjusted so they don't slip down  your nose".... *deep breath* "I don't know where they came from Barbara ask your son" and so forth. Talk about pushing my buttons.
 OH, and I personally think my sister in law (Jay's sister) is a snob. From what I gather he and she got into a disagreement and this was the first time they talked in over 6 months.. WTH!?!?! maybe that works for them but there is no way under the stars I would be that nice to my siblings. Of course I could not go 6 months and not talk to one of my siblings. I am the ring leader whether or not any one likes it. They might get 6 weeks out of me then I would call or show up and settle it. I just don't get it with those 2. The really baffling part is that there are only 2 of them... Just for me it is a WOW! really?!?! I guess it can be somewhat, loosely, explained by the fact that my family adopted Jay and now he has me and 3 siblings to call his. I don't know how Jackie is with her husbands family. So to say the least that was an interesting experience. 
 I have also found that this is my place to make it all about me with zero guilt. That is good in the fact that there is NO WHERE else that it is all about me. I guess my old way was to turn it back to all about who ever it needed to be about and not me but... I have found the hard way that sometimes, damnit, it needs to be all about me. This is the place that it can be all about me and that is a good thing.
 So we are done with Christmas and I think I am ready for the new year with all its ups and down. 

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

In Between

Wednesday finds me caught up in between. I am in between alot of things today. I have been plagued by cramps in my feet and calves since 2 yesterday afternoon through the night, which is just weird since I never get muscle cramps like this. Add to that a fever that is just a little over normal. Think my body is reminding me that a break is needed.
 I am in between needing to go to the store to knock out the rest of the shopping and the not want to go because I have run so much in the last week. I am in between house work, the never ending chores. 
 I am between feelings, and that in and of itself is strange. I was angry last night with justification but today finds me more melancholy. I think I am trying to hard and I am killing myself to be something I am not. I am not who I was and I don't know at this point exactly who I am. 
 I am sad and angry, or somewhere in between. I am in between tired and don't give a rat's ass. (I know not the best mental picture but fitting for my mood today.) I am in between scared and focused, not a good place for me to be. I hate being scared and have been that WAY to much over the last 2 months. I would rather be focused but today it seems everything is just blurry.  I want to scream it all out but find myself just breathing and walking away. 
 I woke to expectations of what I did and what they want me to do. That makes me angry since (A.) I did to much for everyone else, and yeah that sound selfish, I accept that but, I never did stop to think of ME or put me first and no one else did either. (B.) I should not be the fall to when they are adults and can fix it themselves damn it.  (C.) After yesterday I got a really good dose of reality on how they act when I have been the stable one and I will not put myself through that again....'course I say that here but I know in my heart I will try every single time, the only thing I will for sure change is the way they talk to me, the about of BS I will put up with about me has become zero. (I can criticize myself way better than them and it is my opinion I have to be happy with at the end of the day.) 
 I worry that I have become callous. I will spit out what ever it is that needs to be said, I try to couch my words when needed but in all honesty,... I deal with "adults" and the fact that I must say anything at all is fucked up. I gathered that before October I was the easy going nice never let you know you are the reason your a fucked up person but now........I am not her, *sigh*.  I tried to be who I was and just go with it but I can't and I am exhausted living up to other's expectations. I am still trying to nail down my own. I feel like I am whining a lot but since I only do it here and never out loud so be it. Only a select few read my words and they accept me for who I am even when I don't know who I am. I am in between the lies that I have told to myself, and the promises I have made to everyone else. 
 I almost want to apologize, which makes little sense to me since I can only do as I have been and that is the best I can. I am still winging it and that bothers me. I had hoped that by now I would be more centered and indeed I have come a LONG way, but I still see more of this road to travel. I have to wonder what was normal? and will it ever get back to a normal for me, or will I stay caught up in between? 

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Lead but..., Follow but..., Or... (angry blog)

Ok so it is Tuesday lets get the first biggest thing out of the way. My mother is home thank god! I am done with the back and froth to the hospital, my feet hurt, I am exhausted but thrilled that she is home and normal. I will take a day or so to relax and catch up, but I am oh so happy she is home for Christmas!
 Next my topic for today: Lead, but lead with competentce, Follow, but follow silently, or.. please, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY. 
 Simple right? Straight English, not hard to comprehend. I could handle these instructions and have on more than one occasion. So let's take it apart and see what lands where by the end of this post: 
 (1.) Lead but lead with competence.... You call me to deal with what ever it is that you can't deal with, that means to me that you can't do the leading but you think that I can... Okay I can deal with that. I have the ability to lead even if I don't always want to. I have the confidence within myself to show you how to do it and what to do and where to turn to get it done. I have the humility to ask if I am unsure and I will do my homework. I promise, as always to listen to what you have to say and to not yell if I think you are wrong. I will entertain anything  you have to say and be as fair as I know how to be. You know all this since you called me, so that brings us to:
  (2.) Follow, but follow silently. Yeah I get it not the easiest one to do. It is hard when your toes are getting stepped on to shut the heaven up. I would have problems with that but I would still breathe and not yell. I hate it when someone feels they must be the martyr in any situation and I hate it when I feel I must tell you to "get off the cross" and get on your feet. I hate that I am put in the position to have to correct you in something you should know better about. I hate when I am called to lead and then you want to fuss at how I do it even when I am getting the results that I need to get. So do us all a favor, just follow silently or 
 (3.) GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY.  Do not pass go do not collect 200 dollars, do not speak, just get out of my way. I don't mean to seem harsh, I am oh so sorry if it is so cruel to you but really get out of the way, please. If it could have been done better by someone else then you should have called them. As it is or was I did the best I could, you have no dog in this fight and I think I see "EXIT" on the stage to your left. Especially, when the situation you called me to handle is over and done with all working out fine in the end.  
 I have done a lot of thinking in the last couple months, and I have done a lot of changes as well. I will not sugar coat it and say it was all so sweet or nice. Nor will I sit here and type that I am all done and we are all peachy keen. The truth is I am just getting started and before I am done I will see the fall of Rome, then we will rebuild it  much better than it was before. I have run into some really interesting obstacles. In the process of working through them, going around them, or over them I have learned things about myself that I hate, and things about others that I hate. I have learned things about myself and others that I love. I have heard opinions that are better being blown up someone else ass and opinions that are awesome. 
 I find myself so angry today at a few things. I am more than tired I am exhausted, not so much physically but emotionally and mentally. I found that I juggle well but the pay to be the court jester really sucks. I have found that I am a criticizer but always with love and never in a mean way, (I only critize when I am ask to I never volunteer),  and others are the same but not in the nice way, and I never ASK for that. I have found that you don't get respect with your family just because you are the most capable one, the one they run to, the one that is the fix all, fall to. I have found that I hate hypocrites with a passion and it is so hard to bite my tongue when they start in on me, but that I can indeed button it up. 

 So I am home for now and I will climb off my soap box, since most of my anger is spent. I ran to the store and grabbed me and my sister a Christmas hat. I am going to make the biggest effort to cheer the hell up since to  date I have not felt like doing the whole Christmas thing. I will wear my hate and smile, damn it!, even if all I want to do is yawn and go back to bed. Let's all smile and fake it... at least until we really do feel like it or ... until it is over :) 

Monday, December 19, 2011

King Laugh on Sunday and Monday.. when he come...

So yesterday and Monday (today) are turning out to be long and stressing.
 I did not get home to after lunch yesterday and made a B-line for my bed. Rested but did not sleep because I did not know when I would get a call to return to Mom. I was so tired by the time A got to the hospital yesterday that I was getting snappy, and then we all got the giggles... EVERYTHING was funny!
 I was supposed to get up at 6 this morning with Jay to take him to work since his truck was in the shop, but he did not wake me, for that I am more thankful than he will ever know. My Father took him. I started out for sleep at 10 last night when I had run Jami to bed. I don't remember anything after getting on bed and closing my eyes. I was out like a light for the whole night.
 I got a call from T a while a go, and I am to "stay the hell away" from Mom today. The GI Doctor has been in and one of the test they are going to run tomorrow requires a system clean out to do, so she is to the utmost miserable on top of being sick, and she does not want me to see her when she is like this. I am honestly a little hurt by this but I understand. I am taking it in stride, I am cleaning my house since it when to hell while I was busy the last several days. 
 I was hit with the realization this morning that OMG! Christmas is in 6 days!!!!!!!! Depending on what the Dr's find tomorrow the earliest that Mom can come home will be Thursday, that is if they find fast fixable problems, if not we may be spending Christmas at the hospital.  My heart is breaking...
 *Sigh* ok so to get up and get busy but I wanted to add this here before I go do my busy work... I am reading Dracula by Bram Stroker again.. don't ask me why, it is on my Ereader and I got bored. Anyway at one point in the book the heros must go to a funeral and the head doctor got the giggles, and they came fast and hard. They were inappropriate and upsetting to some but there none the less. This is how the head doctor explained it and I thought it fitting and worth putting out here for me. I have added the insert below. I hope we all find a reason to allow King Laugh in, even when it is not appropriate. 

"yet, even at such a moment King Laugh he come to me and shout and bellow in my ear, 'Here I am! Here I am!' till the blood come dance back and bring some of the sunshine that he carry with him to my cheek. Oh, friend John, it is a strange world, a sad world, a world full of miseries, and woes, and troubles. And yet when King Laugh come, he make them all dance to the tune he play. Bleeding hearts, and dry bones of the churchyard, and tears that burn as they fall, all dance together to the music that he make with that smileless mouth of him. And believe me, friend John, that he is good to come, and Ah, we men and women are like ropes drawn tight with strain that pull us different ways. Then tears come, and like the rain on the ropes, they brace us up, until perhaps the strain become too great, and we break. But King Laugh he come like the sunshine, and he ease off the strain again, and we bear to go on with our labor, what it may be."

Stoker, Bram (1995-10-01). Dracula (p. 240). Public Domain Books. Kindle Edition. Book I 

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Sunday Shows... Exhaustion, Frustration, and...

So Sunday showed more than stable vital signs, it shows there is still a problem but since I was there to talk to the doctor today we will know *I pray* by some time tomorrow we will know what the heaven is wrong. They are calling in a GI Doctor.. have to do some test, and go from there.
 I was tired when I left Tallahassee, but every mile I got closer to my house the more tired I became. I had to stop a mile from my drive way just to reel it all it. Would not do to let the kids see how upset I was. I am frustrated that the doctors, though I am sure they are doing the best they can, are not doing enough fast enough in my opinion. I am frustrated that I have had to stay on top of the nurses. I am frustrated in myself that I HAD to come home, I could not think straight and I was getting snappy with everyone. I am frustrated that I am not stronger but I know that I must come rest to be strong when or if the time comes that I really need to be strong. I am ANGRY that we are almost a week in and still have no conclusive answers. I am exhausted since I have had maybe 5 hours of sleep in the last 72 hours. I am .... so very, very, very scared... we seem to go one step forward and 3 steps back and not a one of the educated people that are with my mother can tell me the answer to the dread question WHY?!?!?! I am scared that the test they run tomorrow will show something worse than I can deal with, or they will show nothing at all and we will be at another dead in.
 Now that I am through whining, I am going to now go and take a HOT shower and find my bed for what I hope will be a few hours of down time since I have no idea when I will have to fly back to the hospital. *sigh* 

Sunday Shows

Sunday has shown up bright and clear with very cold temps outside. Sundays shows GREAT improvements in Mom and for that I am so relieved. All vitals have been normal since a little after midnight I am waiting on the Doctor now to show up so that I can ask her or him the major questions. 
 It is not even 8 am and I had to be up and moving. What a night, but well worth it since I could stay on top of the nurses and on top of what needed to be done. I think the next order of business, after I have spoken to the doctor is to find a McDonalds then to find my bed and get Flat, Flat, Flat! Oh and to block Animal Plant and SyFy from my tv! *chuckles* 
 Ok time to go track down a Pepsi and stretch my legs a bit more. I have moved my pillow and blanket to the van, now I will move my back massager and it's charger.. Here is to Sunday Shows and here is to hoping Sunday does not Blow...

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Noticed things...

I have noticed a few things that I will list here, hoping my battery will hold out since I forgot the charger for it at home, (good job right? I was in such a rush to get out the door I just slapped the poor laptop shut and ran) but at least I have it here for a few moments. I gave T gas money to send back Mom's pillows and my cord so we will see when and if they decide to return.
 The things I have noticed are: 
  A.) Hospitals are quiet places, and a boring place to be honestly, if you don't have some kind of entertainment, especially since Mom and I do not agree on what TV show we should watch.
  B.) It takes a LONG time for a unit of blood to drip through an IV line.
  C.) I take charge really well in tense situations and I am hating that honestly, I just feel like it should not be my place alone, tho, it seems I am often thrust into this role. 
  D.) Others are really good at giving advice when they are not looking at the exact same thing you are (IE a sleepless night or all the facts that you have.)
  E.) You  have to walk a million miles to the vending machines here... Ok so not a Million but.. they are on the first floor and I am on the 3rd... just UGH. 
 F.) A night away from home is somewhat scary, for me at least at this point in time. 
 G.) My father is an ass-hat. Saying that with all the love that I can but he really is. I am here in a hospital room on the 3rd floor with my Mother for the night and when my relief comes in the morning my Father goes.... "well what if I am hunting and not at home?" Wrong Answer... my short answer was "BE HOME!"
 I swear I will never understand my parents. They fight worse than children and go on and on and on but let them be apart, they are freaking lost. 
 H.) Doctors love to side-step questions with big words... if I have a choice I will always ask a nurse. Though I will be honest here some of the nurses are not stellar as I have said in a previous blog, but I am here tonight so it will be alright or else. Also the charge nurse tonight is named Kelly and we think along the same lines.
 I.) NEVER RESEARCH THINGS ON WEBMD.COM! That is unless you want to have the pants scared off of you. I have to be informed of all the what if's tho .... and so I am .... not thinking that was the best idea now. 
 J.) Syfy channel is not my cup of tea, really that and animal planet are what my Mother seems to love and I could care less for them. Thank god for laptops and netflix. 
 So, I am set for the night. I made sure to grab my pillow and my blanket from the house so I will be as comfy as I can expect to be for the night. I hope the morning sun does come up soon. I hope A or T make it here soon after sun up. I pray my mother gets well fast and can come home soon, I pray God gives the doctors the wisdom to get it figured out and fixed fast. I pray that I never have to go through something like this again. Oh God, how I pray...

*****A and Dad brought back my charger cord so I will be entertained tonight, and it only cost me 10 bucks I am rocking now*****

About To Shatter Saturday...

Went to bed last night in an exhausted state of mind, but one that was not in to much turmoil, Mom was doing better and was set to come home today. Tossed and turned last night as I expect to do, got up at the ass crack of dawn to run to Tallahassee and drop off Jay's work truck to be worked on. We meandered a while in Tallahassee, and on the way out of town I get the call I was expecting to bring great news but has stretched me thin.
 Mom has lost a lot of blood, so much till she has to have a blood transfusion, and her fever went sky high in the night. She is very sick, and the doctors are not sure on how to fix it. Tammie and I are utterly exhausted and it will get worse since Mom now needs one of us there all the time. I am angry, I know I should not be but I am. I am weepy, again I should not be but I am. I am frustrated but with this I think I should honestly be! I just don't know what my next turn should be! So I will K.I.S.S. it.. I have to Keep It Simple Stupid or I may scream then I would be useless for everyone especially my Mother. 
 So that is where I am by lunch time Saturday. I am headed for a long hot shower now then back to the hospital. God Help Me. 

Friday, December 16, 2011

Blow Me Down Friday Is Now...

Blow me down Friday has fast, or slow as it were, become "May I Please Fall Down Now? Friday".
 Got to the hospital fine, much less traffic today, Mom is doing better, she has E.Coli which is common in all of us, it lives in our intestines, most of the time, most strains of it are harmless but some of them are not and Mom picked up one that is not harmless. I am glad we got it caught and under control before it caused kidney failure, not ready to lose my Mother. They have her on the right anitbotics now and if she stays fever free for 24 hours she can come home, so hopefully by tomorrow. I had to have a conversation with the charge nurse, I am loving that man, he is older, ex-navy and just great, but the night shift are ... less than stellar. Mom told me she had to call 3 times for someone last night.... I think I saw red for a few seconds. So when Mom went to sleep I stepped out the the nurse's station (which is right across the freaking hall, just out Mom's door) and I ask Don (Mom's nurse) why she had to call 3 times last night. He was SHOCKED and said he would personally stay tonight till the night crew came in and tell them to do their jobs. I was grateful, it is either they do what they should do or I go and stay the night with Mom. I was polite and honest with him, that as a daughter I can't bare that she would be here alone and no one looking out for her. So the choice was they fix it or I stay.... he promised they would fix it. I will call Mom tonight to make sure they did indeed fix it. 
 I slept better last night but was haunted by dreams which is becoming normal for me. I got up later and got a late start today. Very busy and running. I am tired, I was tired before I started, *not complaining just thinking* I decided on the drive home that I want to get up and down falling out drunk tonight, and not from beer. I want a good mixed drink, something that with in 2 or 3 at most I am done. Now here is the funny, Jay does not know what my favorite hard stuff was, and Paul said I love Corina beer but that I never did drink hard with him, so I ask Angel and she had no real clue either... great... now what? I am going to call Jay and tell him to bring home vodka and orange juice. 
 Ok so here it is Friday is drawing to a close, it is dinner time and time for me to unwind a bit. 

Blow Me Down Friday

Happy Friday, but it really is a Blow Me Down Friday.
 I slept like a log, was out cold with in a few minutes of hitting the sheets and slept soundly. I woke with a song weaving in my head and still tired. I must have tossed and turned with out knowing it. Thank goodness I woke this morning gently without the boys fighting.
 Today will be a busy day, I am getting my mind set now for it. I have to take the kids to the mother-in-laws and then I have to go back to the hospital to check on my mother. I am expecting she will be making progress.
 Jay tells me that before October I would hold family meeting at least once every couple months and that I did handle a lot for everyone. I do not want to do that now, I don't want to handle it all, I just want to be in the loop. I will gladly give advice, I have been told I am extremely opinionated now, /eyebrow as if I was not before? I was before but I think I was not as strong as I am not about my opinion, I cared if it hurt your feelings before even if it was MY opinion but now I don't care, *sigh* that is the harsh truth. I don't care really, if it is my opinion and YOU ask for it then you have no right to be hurt by the things that I say, especially when I don't say them in a mean way. If I state "well this is what I see and think" then I wish everyone could just take it as that something to do with JONI'S thoughts and not so damn personally. Yeah I know I have gotten on a soap box but still.... I will step down off of it now.
 Ok so, trip across town, then to tally, then hopefully home to rest. I will leave you with a smile and the song that awakened me this morning.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Just Wait Thursday Turned into Just Act...

So when I got the call this morning that Mom was in the hospital, I was told to just wait.... so, I took a deep breath and waited. I was proud of myself, I held back till 3 pm. Then Jay called and said he would be home soon, then T called crying because Mom was crying and the nurses or dr was not listening to them. That made me want to JUST ACT.  So I made plans to go to the hospital, Daddy showed up got annoyed that I did not want him to come with me. Now that is not to be taken the wrong way, I wanted Daddy to go and I would LOVE to take him but I was looking at it like this... (and right or wrong this is how I based my decision) A.) I was fighting traffic going and coming, B.) he would get there want to stay 5 minutes then want to come home and I wanted to stay for a while to make sure she is/was/and is going to be ok. So when I told Dad this he got huffy and left, I am sorry that it had to be that way but I did not know where I was going and was stressed enough as it was, I told him I would give him gas money he could take himself. *rolls eyes and shakes head*
 I love my sister to death, she is one of the best things in my life but in my opinion she is not assertive enough when she needs to be. I on the other hand can be assertive in a polite way and still have done what I need and want to have done.  Pain management is a BIG issue for me and for mom, hell for any one with FM and that is something that if you don't have a knowledgeable dr, or you don't have it yourself, you can know but not really KNOW how bad it can be. 
 Ok, so got there fine the traffic was not to bad going. Sat with Mom for a couple hours made sure she had everything she needs and wants, left #'s she can call me if she want/needs. As I left I found the head nurse and had a very nice polite but firm conversation that she needs to be better managed and attended to, the head nurse did not know she was having a FM flare but said she would call the dr and get something on board ASAP! I know I look every bit of a teenager but I can be scary adult when I have to be, especially if I have to come to be an advocate for a loved one! I smile, thank her and head home. On the way home traffic is a NIGHTMARE! I will get to that in a moment but 20 minutes into my drive T called me to tell me they had come in and given Mom something for pain and to help her sleep so all is well that ends well with that I guess. I have to go back to the hospital tomorrow because Mom wants me there I am praying I can sleep tonight.
 Now traffic... Oh My God! I want a tag on the back of my big ass minivan that reads "if you are going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair" these tiny freaking cars zoom right under my tail end and  you can't see them in the freaking rear view mirror, or the side mirrors because they are tiny. All I got was the glow of the head lights at my back windshield. I got lost in Tallahassee, made a wrong turn coming home, thank god I saw my mistake and could go down a block and double back but here is the thing: I have have have to have my glasses to read with but can't drive with them at night because of the glare... hence the wrong freaking turn. 
  I spent today with a kind of terror that had to be brought out in the light and be exorcised to be lifted. I was honestly scared that T would have a decision to make, make the wrong one, never ask for my input, just come home, pat me on the head and say "this is what I have done." Shakes head, was scary for me honestly because I don't think she would make the wrong decision but I don't think she should make any major decision on our parents alone. Yes that sounds/reads bad, but I don't care, this is how I feel. Could she do a good job with the decision? Yes she probably could. But if I was not involved in it I would be so hurt. That really bothered me today so on the way home I laid that out for T and told her that I should be involved on all decisions... She seemed relieved...Which I have to say puzzled me. Was I not the kind of person before October that helped with our parents? I would never ever make any decisions on Daddy by myself, I would ask the other 3, even tho I have power of attorney, I would ask because I would not want to decide alone. Why would T feel like she had to carry any of the burden of Mom alone? Yeah, yeah I know I am thinking to much again and this is exhaustion talking, I get it...
 Ohhhhhh Kay... I think that sums up my day. I am achey now and so tired that I am honestly have to work hard to get the words down straight. I am just praying at this point I don't have to many errors, but even if I do I needed to get this all out. Here's to a Blow me Down Friday, may it come softly with swift silent feet. 

Just Wait Thursday...

Got a call from the oldest sibling around 6 am that mom's blood work came back scary, they called her around midnight and had her come back to be admitted. 
 So this is how Thursday starts. I watched every hour till after 4am roll off the clock and then T called me at 6. I am tired, if I am honest. I want to go to the hospital but T said there is no need and J agreed.... I am to "sit by the phone and wait" I get the feeling I was never very good at that. T and I split the siblings up and she was to call A while I called E. I got poor E out of bed but he gets the cardboard cookie today because he called mom's room as soon they opened the line.
 I decided to lay back down around 7 am but sleep was no where to be found for every time I drifted off the phone would ring. First it was my Grandmother to make sure I was aware, bless her to bits, then T to give me an update of "nothing changed", last but not least I got Amanda calling to see what is going on since she did not speak to T this morning. I give T credit she called. I texted A tho and said call me ASAP if you have not talked to T. 
 So, I am doing the "just wait" thing now. Just talked to T and they are doing extra strong antibiotics, a blood thinner, and pain killer. They have ordered more lab work, so on and so forth. T took Mom a book, and her lap top so there is nothing to do. I am antsy but useless for all intents and purposes. Mom insisted that I don't need to go to the hospital and NO ONE needs to stay the night with her... well ok then... here I sit doing the "just wait" thing. This sucks! 

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

What The Hell Wednesday!

So I have not been able to blog in a couple days and I am all out of sorts. Let me back up and come to present.
 Jay finally got around to going shopping late Sunday night, while it was raining, for that I am grateful. I did not sleep well, have not slept well in a while. Monday was a rough day Jonah was and is still ill. The ninja kitty is up and down at night demanding attention, and the kids have been on my nerves to heaven and back. We did the must do chores Monday, and I laid around as much as I could. 
 Tuesday was much the same, we did odds and ends but not much else, I have a feeling that I will stay low until I can get a good nights rest. Normally I take Excedrin pm which works as long as Jay goes to sleep before I do, if he stays up then he wakes me and I have a hard time going back to sleep. That is what happen last night and it pissed me off. 
 Today (Wednesday), after a tossing and turning night with Jonah and Ben, I got a phone call before 8am, Mom was in the hospital, had been taken at 4am.... WTH?!? and I was just getting a phone call..... then every communication device in my house decided to rebel against me when I touched it. The cordless land line phone died, my cell phone keeps turning off, the internet keeps dropping in and out! So I call Dad back and check on Mom, then make the decision to go buy a new freaking phone. 3 kids at the store when I am already stressed and frustrated... not a good idea. I got them in, then out of the store while managing to grab a couple of presents under the radar of 2 of them. The third one saw all and whined the whole time, still whining as a matter of fact. Got a call from T in the store that Mom is headed home, she has some bladder issues, infection, and a massive UTI, which they knew of but with her being diabetic the medicine they had her on was making her sicker ... so on and so forth... Told T I would call her later. 
 Out the store to the van, and the freaking thing will not crank!!!!!!!!!!!! Not as in will not turn over, as in the spot where the key goes is locked up tight as a drum! Called Jay on a dying cell phone, he says "Oh she does this keep fiddling with it, jiggle the key, shake the wheel, pray for a miracle" ...... ..... .... ... ... ... Now I am stuck in a parking lot with 3 cranky kids and a broken down van all before 11am. 
 Finally, thank god, I got the van started, but I had no lights, no turn signals, no hazards, nothing. At least we got home. Jay called but the cell decided that was a call I did not need to take. He then called the house and the damn phone had a buzzing the whole time, very very annoying. Talked to T, Mom is home resting and should be fine. Oh and let's add insult to injury the well is out for the count .... so I can't do laundry or dishes.
 The mother in law showed up to give me back some money I had loaned her last week. Plus there was a game Jami wanted but they had only one left so I had grabbed that for her, and she needed to pick that up. I just LOVE, Love, love these unannounced visits. On top of my throat is scratchy and I am all stuffed up, just what I needed today was to get Jonah's cold. 
 That is where I am at today.. Having a total What The Hell Wednesday and it is only 1 in the afternoon. 

Sunday, December 11, 2011

*Yawn* Sunday

Ok so let me back up, and loop myself in from Friday to Sunday.
 Friday, Jonah was ill, he has a cold or something, and stayed home. He agreed to go shopping with me for Jami, Jess, and Jay so I got that taken care of. We pretty much did nothing else. We ordered pizza Friday night and snuggled down. 
 Saturday was a busy day. I got up and took Jesse shopping for Jami, Jay, and Jonah. Got home and wrapped those presents in the van. Within a hour Jami was up and moving so I took her shopping for presents for the men in the house. We also stopped by the neatest little store and I grabbed presents for the rest of my family, my siblings, nieces, and the nephews. I have only my Mom and Dad and the Mother-in-law left to buy for.
 Jay was on call but said we could go to dinner and he would take me to knock out the rest of what I wanted to get for the kids. So we left at 5ish and Tammie babysat for us. I got everything on the list that the kids made that they wanted. We went to walmart, (it was so big and daunting that I made him bring me back to the one in Q) and game-stop in Tallahassee, plus he fed me a nice sit down dinner. We did a lot of talking, which we needed since I have felt we were out of kilter. I was exhausted by the time we got home which was just a bit before 7. 
 I come in to find my bed in utter destruction. I had to strip it last night and this morning finds the sheets and blanket in the dryer. I was very annoyed. I got all the presents for the kids wrapped by 10ish, all except the big ball Jonah wanted and I have no idea how to wrap that thing. Saturday was a busy run run run day!
 Sunday finds me so achey and tired since I did not sleep well. Our back up duvet is nice and oh so soft, but so very HOT, it was off and on all night while I was trying to stay comfy. Plus Ben could not decide where he wanted to sleep so around 3 he jumped on the bed and was all happy while I was awake and rubbing him, but when I dozed off he would bite me to wake me back up. I love this kitten but some of his antics are aggravating even to me.
 So, today I have to go grocery shopping, yay me, *gags* and that is about it.. My body is screaming at me that enough is to much and if I don't stop for a while I will fall down. I am going to heed that warning today. I promised Jess I would watch a movie with him and that will sum us up I think. Jay said that he needs to be moving and doing something, so I am going to make him a list and let him do the shopping, that is a relief. 
 On that note I am going to lay back down on my bed until the dryer tells me it is time to make it up. Then I hear a long tub bath calling my name. Plus, I got all the presents for my children and Jay wrapped, I have to finish the ones for my siblings. I will share here that I hate that part of this! If I never have to wrap another present I will be happy! 
 I also found last night the closer we draw to Christmas the lower my heart sinks, and that is just weird. I know that I should be  happy, I am thankful for my family and I love them all very much but ..... The closer we get to it, the more my heart disagrees. I don't want to be blue and I don't mean to be glum but I am just not feeling any cheer. Whats worse is the more December progresses the worse this feeling gets. The song "I'll have a blue Christmas without you" was playing during dinner last night and I was reduced to tears almost. I have found a deep loathing for Christmas music! Everyone, everywhere we go plays it now and I hate it honestly. I think it is safe to say that I am ready to be done with this time of year, and that is sad, since it should be a cheery time of year!... Let's blame it on the rain, or the cold, or the lack of sleep, or the amnesia... which makes me wonder what I have lost/forgotten that is making me blue. Let's blame it on the moon or the stars from the night.... let's...
..Things that make you go hmmmmmm.... 

Thursday, December 8, 2011

LONG Thursday...

What a long day. Jonah has a cold, sinus thing going on so he is ill. We laid around most of the day. 
 I did have to run to the store after lunch, this was after Jami and I had the proverbial crescent wrench fight.  Allow me to explain, if you were a guy with a son, at some point in time you will have a fight over who put what tool where... well with girls it is a little different, it was a who used the last airplane and did not tell the purchasing agent before she needed one. I needed Midol anyway, and I grabbed, not stocking, but cute little bags this year to act as stockings.
 Oh was so excited to, we ran across a thing called an E-reader, it was half the price of the kindle I was eye-ing so I grabbed that. I am thrilled with it! It does my music, pictures and it will do movies! The batteries are rechargeable and there are thousands of free ebooks. All in all I am please with the Christmas gift I got for myself. 
 Tonight finds me tired in a good way. Jonah and I have plans to snuggle down and watch what ever he wants while I pump some more cold meds in him. I will be happy to see Friday come. 

Wednesday, December 7, 2011


So today, Wednesday, started with the weather being overcast, the temp was 60 but was dropping fast when I drug out of bed. As the temp outside falls further I am aching more and more. The day flew past as easy as could be I have no complaints. We are under a freeze warning so I brought Lucky (the mouse) inside for the night. We have her in a tiny pet carrier tank for the moment, Jami has a 5 gallon fish tank with a lid and light. She has a beta in it but I grabbed a new little tank for him and we will be moving Lucky into her new bigger tank tomorrow. For the night tho she is inside eating, drinking, and being adorable for a mouse.
 We do our taxes with H&R Block and they have something called an Emerald Advance so when Jay called at 4pm I dropped the kids off with my father to meet him at H&R Block. We had that done in less than an hour rounded home and grabbed the kids. Jay wanted them with us so don't ask me why. We ran to Walmart because Jay needed new work boots and a jacket. We got Jay and the kids new socks, Jami new boots, the boys a new toy each. I grabbed Jami and Jesse a new game for their gaming stations, which was fun to hide while I tried to get it out of the store without them knowing. I have to get Jonah something else but I am going to go shopping for more come Friday when I am kid free. We had not had dinner when we left Walmart so we hit McDonalds on the way home and for once had a nice sit down meal. 
 We are now home with the Ninja kitty asleep on me and my feet are killing me. We spent an hour and 1/2 in the damn store but I did not get anything for me... *rolls eyes* not surprising at all I guess. By the time we got the kids settled I was to tired to care any more. Plus everything I picked up Jay wanted to argue with me about so that ended that, I will go shopping for me by myself later :) I am making a mental list of what else I want to buy now. I still have to get us some stocking and the stuffers for that. I also want to get the ninja kitty a toy, I know, I know it is a cat and hence I should not waste the money on that but, I think he gets bored and he has been so helpful for me since I woke up, I am going to get him something.
  All that and a milkshake had made it a day of days, but not in a bad way. I am going to head to bed now since I am beaten and my feet are broken.  Sweet Dreams to all!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Wound out Tuesday.

I did not post earlier today, and tonight finds me winding out with the ninja kitty shortly after 10. 
 I did nothing much today. I think that rain is going to be blowing in within the next 48 hours so my hips were acting a fool big time. I have had no urge to do anything. For the last couple nights Jay has come in and we watched movies till he falls asleep then I get to change the channel to something I find boring enough to put me to sleep. 
 Jesse rescued a tiny, less than an inch long including it's tail, field mouse from the (of all things get this) chickens yesterday. Chickens are so weird I swear! They attack anything that moves. So we put the mouse in a 20 gallon tank with food, water and hay. I warned Jess that the mouse may not live we would have to wait and see. Then I had to rescue it again from Princess (Jami's cat), she knocked the lid off but thank goodness, the mouse hid in the hay and I got the cat out fast. Put a heavier lid on the tank and the waiting began. Since it is a field mouse it is nocturnal, come 9:30 tonight we went out to look, and took some fresh food and water just in case. The little thing seems to be doing Okay come tonight, I am relieved since it excited Jess so much. This weekend I will look for a smaller tank with a locking lid and I guess Jess is getting a pet mouse. I hope "Lucky" never gets out of his cage with the ninja kitty in the house. Personally I don't care for mice in the house but as long as it stays in it's cage then that is alright, plus it makes my kid happy, for that I will put up with a sewer rat if need be. *Not really (shudders) but you get the picture.)  I feel like lately I have done so much to let the kids down, or something. I feel like I am screwing up as a Mother, but slowly, painfully slowly I am getting the hang of this whole Mommy thing.  
 So that has wound out my Tuesday, Jay will be snoring beside me shortly and the Ninja Kitten is asleep at my feet. I should mention here that Benny aka Ninja Kitty, thinks that my bed is his bed, and every night he comes to sleep with me and Jay. I never had a pet that slept with me before. I ask Jay about this he said that before I woke up, we did not share the bed with fur babies either that I detested having them on the bed. I know that when ever the dogs  get on my bed I fuss till Jami moves them, but with this kitten I don't mind... strange but all in all life is not so bad tonight. :)

Monday, December 5, 2011

Monday plays Catch UP

So I am in a mood, not at all surprising, since I am playing catch up on a lot of things today. Things like the laundry, a never ending chore, and current events. Before I did not feel like I was ready, and since I am catching up I am upset at where we are, as a nation, a country, a whole. I have no, ZERO, interest in the trivial like which actor married who and who is divorcing who. I am more interested in what the country is doing. The fact that we still have soldiers overseas but the "president" says and has been saying that they will come home soon. I wonder if his definition of soon is so different than ours. I wonder ... how we got him as a president, honestly, I have looked over his track record and I am not thrilled. I can say this unbiased because I have no comparison ... that I suppose could be a blessing of amnesia. I am hoping that we do not re-elect him in the upcoming election. I am not sure America can take another 4 yrs of this honestly. That is about as political as I will get.
 Monday finds me for the most part chipper. I feel much better and I am on track again for everything else as it seems. I have been reading a lot, going back over my favorite authors. I have also been playing catch up on the "must see" movies that I lost during my sleep. So far the ones that I loved before are just okay now and the ones that I did not like so much are great. Go figure.
 I am looking forward to Christmas this year. We have the tree set up but I would not call it pretty any more. My kitten thinks it is his personal toy and climbs in it. So he has knocked most of the ornaments down and the limbs look askew but it makes up happy so I am not complaining. I am not sure where we go to eat but I have informed Jay that I want to stay home this year and have just us. We can and will go visit everyone Christmas day but for the most part I want it to be just us, and so it shall. I am still not sure what to buy the kids but I will work that out as we go. 
 So I am off now to do more house work and maybe a nap, even though I feel better I am still unflaggingly tired for the most part. 


Sunday, December 4, 2011

Sunday Draws To A Close

Sunday night finds me 4lbs lighter than I was earlier this week due to that weird 24 hr sickness I had. I did make it to the library yesterday, did the grocery shopping, helped Jay clean the yard, and moved my pond to reset it up. Jay had cleaned off most of my patio and when I saw the pond I ask about it. I love the idea of a pond and I will be putting some more effort into it soon. 
 I pretty much did nothing today. I have played my game online with Jay some and read my book. I found myself bored and wanting *for lack of a better term* tonight so I decided I would post a new update. I have found if I don't do one at least once a day I feel odd, since this is a form of therapy for me. I also took the time to look back over how far I have come since Oct. 25th. I am not really amazed persay, since I never saw myself as weak, but it is amazing to see the changes in myself. I am able to cope better now with most things that come up. I don't lose it at lunch time every day anymore. I am still tired and frustrated at night especially if it has been a long hard day with the kids. Jay and I seem more at odds right now but I am not sure what to make of that. 
 He tells me I have no compassion any more. I have to ask "As Opposed To What?" In his mind he is comparing me to the woman that I was, but *shrugs* that is not who I am now. On the sad side of that coin I am not even sure I ever want to go back to that woman either. I get the feeling that she was so cowed, and just so beaten she had forgotten how to stand up for herself. I know that she had accepted her life as it was and felt there was no changing it. I can tell you right now that I not how I feel. At first it was odd seeing me in the third person but now it is more just sad, I mourn the Joni that went to sleep and did not wake up. I wonder if she would have made the same mistakes I have made over the last few weeks, although I know she would have floated along on a calm cloud where nothing bothered her, where nothing was said that would inflict anger, and she never would have raised her voice to get an opinion heard. I feel sad for her, and in an odd way it is so very heart breaking. 
 So I am not who I was, and I may not ever be again. I do not view this as a problem any more for it is not all bad, it is just different.  I can't make the world all roses and rainbows for everyone any more but I refuse to ever borrow a cloud from some else. 
 So I do not have the compassion that I used to.. I have to ask "And?" If it is towards my children I am compassionate enough, and I love them with all that is in me. If it is towards Jay, he is a grown man, get over it, I am not his mother. Same goes for any adult in my life. I can not and will no longer be the calm center of the world that is run to when your world is falling apart. That being said: I want my loved ones to come to me with problems, I will listen and support them, but come to me with eyes wide open because if you are the reason your world is falling apart I will tell you even if I have to scream. I will no longer be emotional catch all for everyone I love. That part of me went to sleep, she did not wake up, and she may never wake up. The world is not full of hugs, and "oh baby it will be ok, it is not your fault", the world hands you the truth and how you deal with it is all on you. 
 That sounds really mean, but all things taken in, it really is not mean it is honest. I can only be honest now. I have very little compassion, I accept that now it is time for others to accept that as well. I have very little sympathy, that goes with out saying .... I almost want to say sorry but I am not sorry one bit... This is how it is, and all the hoping, praying, crying, begging, whatever will not change it. This is my out look, if it offends then *shrugs* you should not have ask the question of me to begin with. 
 Nothing set me off on this rant, I just realized tonight that I was and am exhausted trying to live up to expectations of the person that I was, when to me she was never there. I have no memory of her. I have the memory of my childhood, dating my husband, getting married and NOW. I see the me in the third person as a ghost, a phantom that needs to simply have a light shined on it to make it disappear. I mourn for her because she is not here, but I do not miss her since I did not know her. I can only deal with the facts that I know, I can only change the things in my world that can be changed and I can only be who I am right now. I will not apologize for this since it was not my doing, I will no longer run myself into the ground trying to be some one I am not. That is how I feel, sad or weird as that reads, I am not her, I am me. I do not know if she could not handle this as it is, or if this is God knocking me to my knees. I am still learning and no one ever said learning would be easy. Anything worth having is worth the work. Thus ends my rant for the night ..... sweet dreams. 

"It's no good. I have been trying to sleep for the last half-hour, and I can't. Writing here is a sort of drug. It's the only thing I look forward to. This afternoon I read what I wrote... And it seemed vivid. I know it seems vivid because my imagination fills in all the bits another person wouldn't understand. I mean, it's vanity. But it seems a sort of magic... And I just can't live in this present. I would go mad if I did."
                                                               -John Fowles
                                                                  The Collector  

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Saturday's To Do List...

Saturday finds me feeling much better thank God. I was weak all day yesterday and just ill. I got plenty of rest last night so I feel much better today. 
 I want to clean out our fridge/freezer then go grocery shopping. I am working on the laundry which is a never ending chore. I am going to the library today if I have to slay a dragon to get there. Otherwise it should be a ho hum day. Nothing earth-shaking.  
 I am getting annoyed with Jay and Jesse which is nothing new I don't think. I want to play my online game but since Jesse and I share an account, and he gets up before me.... I have to wait on him. Jay is being an ass-hat about it so I give up. I will go do the shopping and stuff I need to do and go from there. I have the ps3 and ps2 in here, I will bet I can find something to do on one of those. 
 I am also in the process of catching up on my favorite car show series.. "Top Gear" the BBC America one. America did one but I can't stand it at all. The lead guy on it: Tanner Foust, is kind of cute but the show itself sucks and is not as entertaining as the BBC one. Plus they have cute little accents that just make it all the more entertaining to watch. On anther plus, Jay likes this show too, it is one we can agree on watching, since there is not much we both like to watch. 
 All that and a bag of doughnuts I am off to start my day. Wish me luck.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Tossing Cookies Friday

 Went to bed last night, none the worse for wear, but woke at 3 am sick sick sick sick. I hate throwing up worse than anything on the face of this planet. Worse than FM, worse than amnesia, worse than nightmares, worse than fights with Jay ... worse than anything. I was up the rest of the night running back and forth to the bathroom. I am finally past that part I think, I hope, I am praying. I have started the re-hydration process now, going slow since I am still kind of shell shocked. I called the MIL and begged out of taking the kids, she is ill today too so the kids stayed home with me. Dad already called and I annoyed him since I am to scared to leave the house to go to the store for him ... He will have to get over it. I am so sore right now I could cry. I wonder of old people have broken ribs and things with violent vomiting .. blah I am just green today. It is weird because it did not come with all the other great things you get with a stomach flu. No cramps, no fever, no aches, and thank god no back door symptoms (trying not to be to gross here). Plus since I am the only sick one in the house and have been the only sick one I am betting it is not a virus. I hope the kids don't get sick not sure how I would deal with that. 
 The one thing that is pissing me off about this is I have busted my ass to get up to 107lbs I have not gone near the scale today but I am betting I have lost some of that since 3am. I just can't seem to win for losing.
 So my bed is calling me and I am going to hearken to it's call. I may post another blog update tonight if not there is always tomorrow. At the moment I wish I had some sprite... *shakes head* being sick and weak sucks, and not in the good way... *SIGH*.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Thus ends Thursday...

I did not do a post this morning and I have felt sort of out of sorts today, so I am going to post now and see if I can relax enough to get some rest.
 Jay got me involved on his online game so I did that most of the day. I did some laundry and some research on my Benny baby. He is very playful and thinks that any hands/feet/arms/legs whatever are toys. I want a way to break that with out breaking him so to speak. I also was wanting to know what he was exactly. So like all good Mom's I have been doing my homework. The closest breed I can come up with is an Egyptian Mau, which is amazing to me, you can read more on them here if you like. One of the reasons he is so playful in a way that we find mean is we got him almost 2 months ago and he is at the most 3 months old so he did not have enough time with his mother or siblings to learn how to bite gently. The recommendation was to redirect him to a new object when he gets testy, or to place him one the floor and ignore him, till he realizes that being to rough means no friends. All that being said, he only attacks Jay, and the kids so I am good with that .. Mean I know but ... funny too. 
 I have read my before blogs, I noticed I was big into Alice in Wonderland, but thanks to Jay I have met a new Alice and she seems to be much more appealing to me. I am kicking around a couple of ideas with this Alice and I will probably do a blog post or two on her soon. 
 Otherwise I am just skating through life doing as little as I have to and more than I need to most days. I still have a cold kind of kicking my butt, the fever was down today so it was not so bad. I am not looking forward to Christmas but that is mostly because I don't know what to get the kids or Jay. 
 OOOooooo That is another little spat I will toss out here. I have been seeing so much lately on this and I refuse to let it bother me, plus I refuse to get involved either but... Who the Fuck CARES, really, honestly, if you say Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or what ever? I mean I don't honestly.. I don't. Really Christ was not born on this day, most Christians are ignorant I think when it comes to this.... the whole "keep Christ in Christmas" yeah great do it in your house like I plan to do in mine but don't blast the other people with it... As Christians we did honestly "borrow" this holiday to help convert other religions, and since we did not know exactly when Jesus was born... so be it ya know? I refuse to look down upon anyone this year on what ever they decide to call it and I refuse to get into a pissing contest on what we greet each other with... I have learned the hard way Life Is Too Short!.... I have lost 15 Christmas's this year so I refuse to spend this one with one second or ounce of drama or regret. That is my rant *smile* so I say "Merry Christmas" and if you say anything else, more power to you. 
 So now ladies and gentlemen, I am going to finish reading an article on stress that I started, which is extremely interesting and I will share parts with everyone later, then I am hitting the sheets. Till the morning light....

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Weeeee Wednesday.

I got a lot done on Tuesday and got a nap in so, all in all, that was not so bad. Went to bed somewhat early last night. Jay was being cranky and snappish, the bed was the safest option. I knocked out really easy considering, but then again I was still super tired so. 
 Since it has gotten really cold at night we let our two outside cats come in at night. For some weird reason my daughter's haughty cat decided she had to cuddle with me on the bed. It was odd since this cat normally has nothing to do with me at all. Plus my kitten always sleeps with me. I never would have guessed that when I was in my 30's I would be sharing a bed with a couple cats and the husband. Then, for the first time since I woke up, Jonah had a nightmare and got on my bed. Now I have a king size bed, it is really big, and should in theory be big enough for a couple cats, a kid, Jay and I. It was to an extent, the cats went to their separate corners, curled up and went to sleep. Jonah had to be under me all night. Hence today by back is screaming at me, I am in total knots from shoulders down to hips. 
 I am still annoyed that my router is going out, it works when it wants to and that bugs the snot out of me. I also found myself being annoyed with the children big time yesterday. I am chalking it up to I did not and do not feel well, but for some reason yesterday Jonah had to bump and touch or coincidentally hit me all day long.  He never did it out of meanness but it hurt all the same. I think the one thing I hate above all else with Fibromyalgia is some days I can not be touched. What I mean is, yes it is ok to hug me but I have to know in advance so that I can steel myself for the reaction my body will have. Said reaction will be severely worse if it is unexpected.  On the really bad days I have found that it is not a good idea to go around others, since I was such a friendly person, everyone knows me and sometimes they reach out to touch me, say on a shoulder or what ever, and that unexpected contact can rock me to the very core. It makes me angry and sad. I hate this, and I am praying, hoping that I will find a way to cope better. The older kids understand, and I have found myself reacting subconsciously to possibility of being hurt.. I will tense when ever anyone gets close to me..... or flinch. Trust me this is NO way to live. *shakes head*
 So here we are at WEEEeee Wednesday. There are somethings that I want to get done, somethings I have to get done and somethings that will never get done. Yay, let's hear it for Wednesday. I am not in a bad mood, even considering the rough night I had :) so I am ready to rock this day and I am sure it will get better and better.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

So it begins...

Tuesday. I am trying to think of something positive I want to say about today and I am drawing a blank.
 I have gotten a lot of what Jay calls the "must see" movies some of which I like a lot some of which I wish I had not watched at all. Jay tells me I loved gore and violence but *shakes head* I can't seem to stand it now. I watched Resident Evil parts 1 and 2 last night. Since we don't run the kids out till late I did not start it till late, so it did not finish till late, and this was a mistake. Like I needed any fuel added to my nightmares. What horrible images to have in your head! Just nasty! I spent most of the night walking the floor. I don't know, maybe I had become immune to seeing such things, maybe they did not bother me a month or so ago, but they really did last night. So, new rule no more horror movies at night, which will mean no more ever pretty much since the kids are always in here. Sunday night I watched the "Tyler Perry" Madea movies and those were nice, a decent blend of drama and comedy with a happy ending.. that is a kind of movie I can deal with. 
 I started getting sick Sunday but I guess I was not aware of it, yesterday was the whole coughing, fever, sinus issues. Today is pretty much the same and I feel horrible. I was around the kids Thanksgiving, and 4 of the 10 were sick, one of that four sat on the couch and cuddled with me for over an hour. I loved cuddling with her, since she is just so freaking enchanting and cute, but I feel like my immune system is shot. 
 I also have been dealing with a feeling of abandonment, which I know makes no sense. Jay was super sweet caring, supportive, so on and so forth at first but now.... We had a horrible argument Friday afternoon and we made a gulf between us. With him being a man, I have my doubts that he will even notice, but I do know and I hate this feeling. He does not call me like he used to, he does not wake me in the mornings anymore, he does not want to hold me. I ask him if he was angry at me or just did not love me anymore, his reply was I am busy, I love you a lot but I am to busy right now. Well, Ok but what about when you come in and get right on your computer ... what then? I have all the words in me I could say to him but last time I tried I felt like I was wasting my breathe, and time so ... *sniffles* I think all things are much worse when you are sick.  
 So today holds more catch up on the laundry, school work, and hopefully some more rest. I walked the floor till after 4 am and I have to take something for this dang running nose, sore throat issue. I am just ill today. 

Monday, November 28, 2011


I woke to the phone ringing and ringing. It is dreary, overcast, damp and just plan UGH outside.
 After another .... something not even  sure what to call it, Jay go the dryer fixed, today I am playing catch up on laundry. Plus it is Monday and we have a good bit of school work today. I wish the phone had not rang so that I could have stayed sleeping. 
 My wireless router is being a brat, it will drop signal when ever it wants to. Plus it will not allow Jami's DSi to connect at all... I see Santa bringing me a new one for Christmas. EWWWWWwww that is another thing.. Christmas! I have no idea what to get them or what they like or nothing. I will have to rely on Jay I guess. 
 I ask Jay last night if he ever thought of leaving me, and taking the kids with him, he says no but from a personal stand point I sometimes wish I had a place to run to. Jay makes statements that are just so freaking cruel to me, he says honestly I say flippant. Like I ran the kids out of my room around 5 yesterday, and I told Jay let's keep them out. His reply was "I can't be that cruel" I was baffled frankly, because it is not cruel to make them stay out of my room for a I had to ask "Why not?" I probably should have just hushed... his instant response was "Because unlike you I remember them being born".  I took a deep breathe, looked at him in the eyes and "That finished us for the night thank you, Please don't talk to me anymore" then did what all real women do, I went outside to cry. 
 I would give anything to remember, anything! All the wishing and praying in the world has not worked yet, and I am not holding out hope that it will. I hate when he speaks and does not think first of how it will sound, how the words he used will make me feel. You can't take them back once they are out of your mouth. I try hard to remember to breathe, and think before I put it out there.... I try. 
 Ok so on a different noted, I don't know if it is the weather change or being around sick nieces and nephews but I feel like crud. My throat hurts and my sinus' are having a fit on me. This is just what I needed, a cold, Yay me! Oh, and, Jami managed to go a whole 2 days with her DSi before she screwed up. I ask her to do something yesterday, then like 5 minutes later I called her for something else, she walked into my room and raised her voice to me "What do you want NOW Mother? I dropped my stylisus (pen thing for the DSi) in the bathroom and I have to FIND IT first!" So the "Mother" took a deep breathe and informed the now "Teenage" child that she should not have taken it to the bathroom but she could now bring it to me since she was grounded for raising her voice to me. I kept it till late yesterday afternoon. I don't know if it will impact her attitude or reactions but at least I did not yell at her. I know that she is going through a stage and that this too shall pass, long as I do not kill her first. 
 Here's to Monday, I will now get up and get it started. 

Sunday, November 27, 2011


It is Sunday morning. Let's recap what I did yesterday... NOTHING. I did my nails in a totally random fashion, half and half 2 different colors. I watched the Godfather pars 1 and 2. I played my racing game for a while... I really did nothing. 
 Today I am going to do some laundry long as the rain holds off. I have been begging for a month now about the dryer and it is down DOA. I have since Friday boycotted doing Jay's clothes... soon as he runs out he will do one of 2 things... wash, then hang them out himself, or fix the freaking dryer...
 I spent last night tossing and turning so I am tired this morning and achey, nothing new there.  I think that in the last month I have found my blog to be very therapeutically necessary. If I had to hold all my words inside I would explode. At least I can get it out here and only a hand full of people will bother to read them. My loved one in my house will ignore them totally. Jay knows all about my blog but he is not vested enough to read what I type, that maybe because he has to listen to what I say. He no longer gets the option to ignore me. I will promptly pull his plug so... 
 Here we go the start of another Sunday. I wish I could return to the home I remember but since I can't I will go make the one I have now a better place to be. 

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Just Blah...

Today finds me just blah. I am tired, the weather is dreary and I hurt from bottom to top. I don't feel like doing anything today but sitting and crying, I am so very blue.
 Though I accept what happen last night with as much or as little grace as possible I am still saddened that it had to be the way it was. I am blue that Jay and I had a fall out, still reeling since I am not sure we have spanned the gulf we made yesterday. Yes we are talking but I am more talking at him than to him. Yes that is probably wrong but much as I did not go to bed angry with him last night, his easy dismissal of me and retarded jokes this morning have annoyed me anew.  Plus add insult to injury he went to my mother and sisters for support... what the hell? That is so wrong on so many levels. The fact that they did support him and did not call to check on me HURTS! I am angry at my mother, which is not new. By the time Jay and I had finished our outside argument I was screaming at him, screaming so loudly *tho I am not proud to admit it, I lost it totally yesterday, after trying so flipping hard not to* I have a sore throat today. Mom and Dad heard us and Mom simply told Jay "you have to love her". Again What The Hell?! I would be all over Jami's husband's ass and then I would be supporting and comforting Jami. I truly come from a screwed up family. It is days like late yesterday and today that I really feel alone. It is days like today that I can completely understand why I went to sleep and never woke the same. It is days like today that I almost wish I could go to sleep and really not wake up. I hope the sun comes out soon.
 The fog did not just roll in last night it slammed into me with a quick vengeance. Under the best of terms I hate feeling foggy but when it creeps in I can handle it much better, but when it just hits all of the sudden, like last night I really feel like I am going insane. 
 Jay told me today to stop trying to fix everything, and I noticed at that point, that was exactly what I was doing, trying to fix it all. I agree with Jay that I should stop and I will because at this point I can't be anyone's savior. Hell I can't even think straight enough to fix myself. 
 I have also found, and this is not new, not really, I love things about my life DEARLY, but then I hate some things with a passion. Hate as in seeing red and screaming hate. Hate as in I could rip the head off of the loved one that insist on speaking. Hate as in all the way to the core of me HATE! I refuse to let it eat me up inside, I am not the person, now at least, that will let it slide or blow it off, I am more often than not going to blow up, even if I do it calmly, you will hear how I feel and what I think, like it or not. I am not sure this is a good side to me, it is probably a really ugly side but, I also found that I do not care... If it takes making a point with brutal force to make everyone see I am not a doormat to be stepped on or a child to be pushed around... then I am fine with that...
 So I am not the person I used to be, I am a stranger in my own life. That also makes me sad. Sad for me since this is the life I must lead. Sad for the poor woman that is still sleeping or went away. Sad for my family that I was not strong enough to handle it all and stay. It... is ... just... sad.
 Today I will, I must, just rest and I am going to try oh so hard not to think at all... for today I am just so blah.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Round 2

So we took a couple of hours and chilled out. 
 I very calmly ask him if he was going to ignore me all night. He took off his head phones and said no, so we started talking. He insisted it was all my fault .... when I went to rebuff that he then attempted to put his head phones back on and return to his computer .... 
 I just as calmly reached over and unplugged the modem... and wanted patiently for his streaming song to shut down with the internet off. 
 Fast forward some. We talked and we both agreed we handled things wrong. He feels like I am a stranger to him in some ways now. I understand that because I feel the same way, kind of. It is like I am living in a stranger's life, that in all honesty this is not my life, just the one I woke up to. 
 I thought he was being inhuman with the rooster but what I did not know is that chickens don't know right away that they should lay down even tho they are dead. 
 I am not making excuses, for him or myself. I have no illusions that this will be, has been easy. I know that this is going to take work and I told him this. I understand that my family has had to accept alot in the last month. Jay ask me if I could for one second look at it from someone else's point of view... Yes I can, and I am. But I had to ask him if he could see it from my side... I wake up with a man that is my husband but not the one I KNOW, and with 3 kids that I know accept but don't have the same relationship with as before. I have accepted all this with little to no kicking and screaming. If I have despaired it has been in private. All the fights Jay and I had before, he says I would go "Ok, Asshole, come talk to me when you are less buttheaded" but today I could not and did not do that, he showed aggressiveness and I fought back.... A first for me according to him. I have no sage words here for this, I can't change what has happened to me I can only deal with it as the situations come up ... I can't live up to his expectations when I have no idea what he expects from me.
 He tells me I am not the mother I used to be... well, ok I accept that because I am not the woman I once was. With keeping in the spirit of being honest with him and myself, I do not think I ever want to be the mother or the woman I was. I do not want things to go back to the way there were before. There must have been something back there that was so wrong, in all senses of the word wrong, that my mind had to run from it. I don't want to go back and find it I really don't. What is the saying? "Let sleeping dogs lay"... That is what I shall do I will allow that sleeping dog to simply sleep. If we as "we" can't handle this as it is with all the ups and downs then we don't need to be "we"... Love me, need me, want me, all those great things but RESPECT me too... *shrugs* not always nice but that is the way it has to be.
 So we end tonight on a tired sad note, but it is not the end of the world and tomorrow will shine bright and clear. 

I'm Pissed!

So, first the first time since I woke up Jay and I are arguing and I am PISSED!
 Let's start at the start. Yesterday was a great day, being with my family was so nice. Everyone has gotten older and it was great to see all the babies. We had one family member that was out of sorts but they tell me that is normal for this person so I let that one go.  We had more food than we could eat and we all ate more than we should. 
 Today was oh so nice! We got Jami the DSi she has been begging for and her Granny got her make-up. The make-up was not a big hit but ummmmmm... I let that go since she is a teenager. Barbara (the mother in law) came and took Jami to lunch, then she took all 3 kids to her house for a while. Jay and I went shopping with no fuss. We had a great day, that is until we got home....
 We have chickens that are pets, well in the process of raising these birds one was a rooster and he had gotten mean. He would always attack me or Jonah. Well, today the bird went after Jonah and knocked him down, busted his lip and scared the living hell out of me and the poor kid. Jay, being a man, decided that was the end of the bird... Fine, I get that totally, I understand that completely. What I do not get is why he did it the way he did, and I am angry.
  Jay first chased the poor rooster around the yard instead of getting a gun and shooting the damn thing. When I yelled at him (not meanly just because Jay was in the back of the yard) to "be done with it, stop tormenting the fucking bird or to let me do it," Jay then decided to get the rifle... better idea, much faster, but it took Jay 4 shots... WTF?!?!?!? then he had to come get another clip for the  gun. I could have and would have done it in one with out involving the kids ... bam done over with. I proceeded to tell Jay this,(at this point I was calm until) he told me to "shut up" and that I was about fucking useless..... .....
     Not sure how the OLD me would have reacted but the new me took a deep breathe and went the hell off on him. "NO! I will not Shut UP! I am not one of the children, and I am not useless... and bury the fucking bird then do not talk to me any more." (still not yelling yet) 
 "YOU are so full of the ideas you dig the fucking hole!" Jay said.
Wrong thing to say....
 "If I had made the Fucking MESS I would deal with it, but since I did not, I am not, and I will NOT eat the fucking thing... What part, really, honestly, of do not speak with me again did you not fucking understand? Must I pull out every word in the dictionary for shut up for you to get not to speak to me?" 
"Yes, if that would make you feel better besides I would not make you eat it. Do I look like the Big Hunter?" 
(If he had just hush I would have let it go but oh no so... *Deep Breathe* and now I am yelling)  "If you were any type of fucking hunter or marksman at all it would not have taken you 4 fucking shots and then some. Please for the love of God, and anything you hold holy SHUT THE FUCK UP!" 
 I am not sure if he was just shocked that I finally lost it to yell or if he finally got the point to shush but he left to take care of my rooster and I am still mad at him. Not at what he did, but the way he did it and the way he treated me, as tho I am a child and can't handle or make decisions....I am reeling. This is the first fight we have gotten in and I refuse to back down. We are at ground zero and I am shaking my head. 
 He comes in, plops down at his pc, headphones on so that he can ignore me and the kids. Plus he left me with the job of telling Jami, and it is her birthday. I swear he could screw up a wet dream. I feel so bad for Jami. I am not bringing the fight to in front of the kids but I am not talking to Jay either. At this point I am just in shock I think. I want Jay to apologize for the way he talked and treated me, the callous way I was dismissed, but in the same breathe if he speaks to me right at this moment I will probably leave. Silence is best right now for sure. 

***In reflection, I know now why I am so upset, and I am not sure if it is part of things I can't remember or what but.... When Jay decided to tell me I was "fucking useless" and to shut up, he took the same stance, and tone inflection that he uses with the children. I am so taken aback and just appalled. I am 33 and so far beyond being a child until sometimes I scare myself.  But for him to bow up at me like he does when he is correcting one of the children is not acceptable, and not something I am willing or able to put up with. I don't know if I just accepted it before but I find that I can't today. Jay told me we never really fought we would go "are you done?" and the one that felt the least strongly would let it go. I am not at a place where I can ask him if he is done.. because frankly I don't care if he is or not. He was wrong.... Yes, I could have handled it a bit differently but I refuse to be cowed down to him just because he puffs out his chest and acts intimidating .. sorry but screw that I am not scare of him... *shrugs* maybe I am wrong tonight I just don't know.