Tuesday, September 27, 2011

"It was only a dream..." Alice said.

Alice looks around and declares that Wonderland was only a dream.
 The last several weeks have been so busy for me with no down time. I had a migraine that kept me a slave for a week, then it was a week long revival with my church, then my birthday came and went with no zeal. I finally feel that this week I can rest to catch up as it were, but, I woke  up at 4am today with a severe fever and super painful throat, (ie I am sick and I am not a good sick person) then Jay ask if the kids were doing what they need to do as far as school goes. Now I know I should not internalize his statements it was not a "are you fucking up with teaching them" but I have always been the scape goat and I play the part well even when I am unwilling to play it. His statement was more along the lines "Joni, are you OK with this since you have been having more bad days and have been more busy".
 The reality is that I am not OK with this, I am tired of homeschooling honestly. After reviewing the options tho it would seem that I have no choice in the matter. James would do OK with day school and be just fine. Jesse would not do so great since he is dyslexic and would struggle badly. They would want to put Jonah in Kindergarten due to his birthday being in October, we did that last year and I will not send him and make him bored. Also if I send them away then I will become a blob, I will do nothing I know this. It would start out as one day a week but with in a couple months it would be everyday that I just don't do anything because I don't have to. Much as I love my mother that is what she is like, she never gets up to do anything and I refuse to be like that. On a good note though the kids are busy and doing as they need to be doing, I reassured Jay last night that they are working a grade ahead in most subjects and that they would be/are fine. This is to big a deal for me to fuck it up, this will impact their whole lives, that in and of itself will keep me doing what I have to do to make sure they have every chance to succeed in life.
 That being said I have found that I can't do things like I used to and it is killing me inside. I have been battling depression for 3 weeks now and I am tired of shaking the box hoping, against hope, that I find a new solution in the same jumble of stuff that is in the box. I have had more bad days, I will admit that. I can't find it in me to be as active as I was, or when I do become over active I pay the price ... wondering how much more I will have to pay since I am broken all the way around now. I find myself asking "what if this is as good as it gets?"
 On a different note, Jay's computer died yesterday, a relay, or compositor or whatever decided it did not want to play anymore. To keep my sanity I have slaved out my laptop to his monitor, keyboard, and mouse. I will not have my computer at night now which poses an interesting problem since I use it to go to sleep with. This will work till we get him or me a new one, I am pulling for me.
 "It was only a dream". Alice later finds that it was not just a dream but memories of a place she has been and things she has done.
 I feel like I am walking in a dream, or dreaming of things that were and that will never be again.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

What Am I?

I am so many things but lately I feel like I am coming across wrong... Let's toss this out and see where it falls...

The last week has not been a great week, not super bad but not anything to be over the moon about. I accept that there will be days or weeks like this, I am tired and I over do things a lot, but this is the life I lead. In the past I would hide and just wait out the storm which always passes to show clear blue skies again. I took the urging of a friend this last week and did not hide. I have learned that this is a mistake, really, no one can deal with the side of me that is just cranky, tired, and sees in only gray in my personal world. I am not always down, I smile often, then speak of greatness but I can't escape the fact that there will be days or weeks that the sun will just not shine as bright for me and that is fine.
 In not hiding my head in the sand so to speak I think I have come across as a very melancholy person and that is so just not the case. I am upbeat about everything but ME... I think that is my right to be down trodden about myself sometimes. I do not complain that does no good I have learned. I simply state the way things have been this week because you ask and I am sure I seem just the lowest of lows. In not hiding I have left myself open to the love of others which is not a bad thing but, they do what we all do when we love someone dearly, they offer their finest best possible solution to the situation at hand, and that is what I do not need. I don't need a solution, I don't need to be fixed, and one more step further I don't want YOU to make it better for me, that is not your job.  I don't want to hear that you would do this or that if you were here... deal with it, you can't be where I am even in you are in the same room as me. Sucks I know... but much in life does... 
 I am still dealing with the fact that it seems lately I have NO BUILD to anger... it is I love you one minute and I will tear your head off the next. This is coming out worse and worse with my family and friends... I have always seen myself as low key, not so much as laid back just not an in your face judgmental kind of person... I only judge myself and trust me I am the best/worse critic of myself.. I do a better job at it than anyone else could ever dream of doing... 
 I am not depressed, I am wore out. I am not sad just tired. I am not happy about where I am, but, I am extremely thrilled for where you are going. I can't be all roses and sunshine because it is raining for me, but, here let me hold the umbrella for you. 
 I wanted to achieve so much and I have done a lot but there is more work to do, with no rest for the wicked. I'm not dying I am just surviving, not thriving mind you, but I will get there, I always do. 
 I think with the people we love we always walk a tight rope, as it were, of what they need us to be and what we think they need us to be. I think that a lot of people fall short and wind up in the safety net below, in one way that is a grace, you had a net to catch you and in another it shows you where you overstepped in the first place. I am open to so much but I would not ever want to change the people we are, who we really are on the inside, because that is who we love in ourselves and each other. That being said I reserve the right to step back from any and everything when any and everything is not what I need. If this hurts my friends I am sorry that is never my intent, sometimes this has to be the way it is, please be satisfied with the knowledge I still have a pulse and have not fallen off the face of the earth. 
 I have been struggling with where I get what I need when I need it and from whom. I have such a vast support group I am so in love with. I am a blessed in that, I will not ask for more from the ones I love the most, because, I have a feeling they could not give more, especially when I don't know what exactly the more is that I am needing. I think this may be a phase I must look at alone, and, as with most things, I will shake it about, I will take it apart, look from all angles, then put it back together with a balance that I can live with. 
 Life is not always grand but it is not so horrid either, not here  where I am right now, just a little gray, and when the gray fades I will appericate the colors all the more for the gray that has passed.
 So What Am I? I am just a woman that is swimming in an ocean of grey looking for an island that will bring me rest. I am so many things and I found it is ok that not all of them are pleasing to look at.