And then the Mad Hatter says to Alice "you've lost your muchness"...
Alice would have to have a friend that was crazy wouldn't she? As I am going more into the world of Alice and Wonderland I am finding things that I love and despise about this girl. I find that she does somethings that make me so happy and other times, in reflection, I just want to smack her ...
In retrospect I am finding things that I love and hate about me, and sometimes I just want to smack myself.
Things lately have been interesting to say the least. I feel as I am traveling down my road that I have lost my "muchness" ... I wonder will I be like Alice and one of my crazy friends will help me find it again? Or is this the part of the road that I must walk alone to regain my lost ground? Or, or, or am I never going to be able to regain my "muchness"? *shakes head* questions questions, the world is full of them and I wish I had all the answers but alas I am just making it up as I go along.
I do not have a friend that can help me regain my muchness, tho they help is so many more ways! I would never trade them but nor would I ever, ever, ever draw them in to the web that I must navigate. It would not be fair, and tho life is not fair, this is my unfairness and they have their own to deal with.
I may never be able to regain my lost muchness but that is OK. I am not unhappy all the time, just now and again, this will get better. I think this is the fork in the road that, by choice I know, I must walk alone. I am ok with that since it will give me the chance to learn more about myself and my limits. I have learned so much in the last 2 months about limits and NO it is not always nice. I am not the kind of person that can be told "hey don't do that, not a good idea" nope, I have to go beat my head against the wall MYSELF, go figure.
I am not in a horrid place tonight just a different new place. I am in a place that is teaching me that the wall is made of brick and my head will give way before it does. I am learning when to put a game face on and when it is ok to just have a "fuckit" day. I am learning when to cry, when to take a deep breathe and scream, which contrary to popular belief, is a great thing to do when the need arises long as you are screaming at an inanimate object. I am learning to respect myself in ways that I did not before, and that is always good.
So maybe wonderland is not a barren wasteland as long as you have some "muchness" and a crazy friend.