Thursday, August 18, 2011

I am ready to say ta hell with it all...

Wow, tonight finds me so .... angry, and disappointed. It finds me ready to walk out the door on the last 14 years of marriage and everything we have built.
 God knows I am trying and I have been trying but I still feel as tho I have fallen short, it is a but by the grace of God that I am still in my bed typing tonight instead of crashing on a friends couch.
 We *the kids and I* have been so busy with getting ready to start school again, and with church things that I am tired. I will be the first to admit that and I have retreated in silence to my bed, lest I say things that I will regret. I have learned the very hard way here in the last month that I seem to have NO BUILD to anger, it is I love you one moment, and I will kill you with a fucking spork if you speak again. I hate that but that is just how it is.
 I have done all that I should do as a wife, up to and including being a door mat. I cook, clean, raise the kids, and TEACH them here at home. I have no life beyond this house and my church, which has been a very sore point with him to. Go figure I get happy and he is dead set on pissing me off and making me feel guilty.
 I feel inadequate when he is near and that just freaking sucks because I am a smart very capable woman in all aspects. I know this, and I am confident in myself,  just as I know that whining about the way things are does not change the way they are.
 Why do I stay? That is not an easy one to answer. I love him, really love him and love is blind. God hates divorce. The kids need us both. Yes, I could do it alone and we would be fine but it would be so very unfair to the kids. I can deal with a lot to keep them happy. I can hide even more to ensure they are getting what they need. I can ignore the rest and still be who I need to be for the kids, and still be a great wife, even on the days that he does not agree.
 So where do we land tonight, in bed, in silence, and that is not a bad thing. I have heard it said that a crying woman is a scheming woman... I have not hit the tears yet so I am not scheming yet on how to kill him and bury him in the backyard. It is better I hope to end it in silence than in a screaming match that would rival the sinking of the Titanic, if I open my mouth again tonight that is where it will end up I promise you. Either screaming or me walking out and I don't think either seem like a very viable option tonight ... things that make you go ummmm.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Alice and The Hatter...

Alice is the best friend of the Mad Hatter, they complete each other in a way that a spouse or sibling could not. That got me to thinking.....
  So let's go to Wonderland again and take a walk. Let's visit the Mad Hatter and let's have a talk with Alice. Down the rabbit hole we go again.
  The Hatter and Alice were in love, of that I have NO doubt, but not in love as you would be with a husband or a wife. Not in love as you would be with your brother or sister. Not a lust kind of love. They were in love as only true friends can be. It is such a pure and beautiful thing. It is amazing and oh so very hard to describe. What I think of, when I think of the Hatter and Alice is how very bless they are and they have to know this. They would die for each other, they live for the other, the care and share.
 I wish that EVERY person on earth had that. If they did then there would be less hatred, if they had this kind of love, we would see a different world I promise you.
 What kind of LOVE? Tell us, tell us! what kind of love is this? Well, let me tell you. It is a pure, simple, give all, take all, forgive all, share all, EVERYTHING kind of love. And the best part in my opinion is there is NO SEX! at all... amazing right? But it can happen and I will prove it to you.
 I have 4 perfect loves in my life. I do not mean perfect as in we never go around the bend on big freaking fights, hell no, sometimes you have to have a ground zero fight to clear the air, to get back on track. Alice and the Hatter go around sometimes too I am sure because "she can't slay anything and he should put it out of his mind".
 Angel is my sister of the heart but is so much more special in so many more ways that my blood sisters. I met her in kindergarten and kept her. We have loved each other for more than 20 years now, if I say for how much more than 20 she may hurt me *laugh*. I think it is a perfect love because we can give and take but still make it back to track somehow and some way... even if it takes a while to get back on path, we make it there and I will always try as long as she does. She knows that no matter what I will always love her, always!
 Jr. my darling ... met him in Jr high.... wow that was a while ago. Let's see, he is the brother god should have given me but did not .... Jr. however took it upon himself to fix that so he is with my youngest sister and they have 3 girls between them. I do love this man so very much and he knows no matter what, even now, I got his back.
 Paul, my loving tattooed pierced freak! I got him in my early 20's as a gift from God. Wish I could say this was never sexual but ummm he was my kryptonite. Short lived affair turned into a best friend for life. When ever I am flipping out all I have to do is call him and he has always had the no bullshit answers that I need to hear. I love him to bits. There were points in my life that I could not have made it through without him to hold my hand and slap my ass to get me moving again. I know without a doubt there were times in his life that would have been so much harder without me. I am so blessed to have him in my life, and he knows this.
 Adam, what shall I say about the new little crab in my life? I have been blessed 3 times with an honest, open, free, pure love so now when a new one shows up I am always hoping it will be a forever kind of thing. Adam is my easy going, emotion catching side. He is the one that I can cry to and not have to put a game face on with, and at this point in my life that is what I need. He is so special and unique. In a matter of just 3 months I love him dearly. I hope that he can handle what it really means to be my best friend because it is for LIFE.... and that does not scare me one bit!
 So let's see, it seems like through every part of my life, every phase, there has been someone placed there for me to find and keep. I am so grateful for this, I am so happy that I can love freely and not be condemned for it, because it is free, pure and so needed in this world and in my life!
 So the Hatter and Alice are better than any brother and sister combo in the world! They got it right with no sex.. go them! I love my friends with my whole heart and I thank God every night for them.

**Alice and the hatter walk into the sun set holding hands**

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Did we get it wrong?

The question I have for this post is a hard one, one that I am struggling with, so I am going to toss it out here and see where I land when it is in black and white, or yellow as it were in this case.. (I am leaving Alice in her Wonderland for this one because I have to get this out.)
  Did we get it wrong? Let me get more in dept as Christians did we get the message that Christ was trying to convey wrong?
 Love one another as you do yourself, forgive, help your fellow man, never judge unless you wish to be in a position to be judged, this is just to name a few. So, lets start at the start.... Love others as you love yourself.... Now look around you.. turn on the news, any news channel.. do we love one another as we do ourselves? NO! *shrugs* We don't. I can't think of one time that I have seen the news in the last several years that it does not bare out the fact that we as humans are evil, oh sure there are some gems among us but they are normally sacrificed for the "Greater Good". Sorry but Fuck that! I do not watch TV any more for that reason. I tell my friends I am in "Spongebob Squarepants Hell" but compared to the news on any given day I have changed my mind and will from now on say I am in "Spongebob Squarepants Heaven".
 Help your fellow man... we don't do that either. I don't mean money by the way. I can think of all the ways to help and most of the time the best way is to: Listen, and then Care!... It really is that simple. Instead of waiting for your turn to talk try paying attention and being interested in something besides yourselves. When Jesus was with us he left lots of instructions like: if your brother ask you to walk a mile with him walk two. Simple right? See my confusion? If you can't even care to help carry your brothers burdens why should they care for yours?
 Never judge unless you want to find yourselves in a position to be judged.......
This one really has me stumped and I will tell you why: it is hard, really freaking hard to do. I can manage this most of the time and I have the hang of it but then others who seem to have missed this concept say things that are, in my humble opinion, so very harsh and judgmental. This falls on to the very basis of what, as Christians, we believe or if you follow some other path it should fall under tolerance of other beliefs. TOLERANCE! What a word.. I personally do not care what you believe or follow I would never think to tell you that what you believe 'pisses me off' that is just not who I am. Even if I have known you forever I would never make you feel worthless in your beliefs when you are already low. So if I can extend you the courtesy of not judging what you believe or how you believe even, why judge me? I am on a tangent here and I know this but it hit a sore spot this week. It pissed me off, it hurt me, it made me question myself/ my beliefs at a time when I should not be having questions and really made me think hard. I am not the worlds most open person, I can take your burdens, worries, fears, failures, hopes, dreams, I can help hold you up, hold your hand, encourage you, love you and be the best friend I know how to be. I can truly not judge you and walk 2 miles with you when you only requested one. As for me personally, this week has proven to me that I should keep my burdens to myself. That makes me sad but it is better to be sad than to feel like I fucked up some how.... either in the way I did something or the way I did not do something or in how I believe or why I believe the way I do.
 Forgive............ yeah I listed this second but saved it for last. This was a hard one for me for a long time but as I got older I get it, I really do. Bitterness, being unforgiving, vengeance is like a poison that you drink thinking it will kill the other person. So, I forgive and move on. Forgiving is not an emotion it is a decision. If you forgive it does not give you amnesia and that does not mean it will not hurt. What is means is you don't discuss it anymore you move on. I forgive to move on life is to short to dwell in any corner.
 So did we get it wrong? I think I have to say that man as a whole did get it wrong. What an eye opener for me. I can practice what I preach but humanity can't or won't. I can abhor things and not have them in my house, not teach them to my children, not allow them to corrupt the morals I have in place... I can do all this without judging and I try to do this without hurting anyone else in the process of doing this.  I have tired so hard to be open minded and I think I have succeeded .. I think...
I have a feeling I think to fucking much, about things that don't matter enough to take up this amount of time thinking. I felt like my  beliefs could be flawed and jaded, I felt like I had fucked up somewhere, somehow. Looking back it was not and is not my fuck up. The way I believe is just that: The Way I Believe. If it pisses you off, then: TOUGH! I don't need to hear it pisses you off, in fact I don't want to hear it. If you ask me and I give you the honest answer, but that answer ties into how I believe then you  have no right to feel anything, PERIOD! I don't want your anger, I don't want your pity, I don't want your sympathy... I don't need them. I needed a friendly ear and a hug.. not a hectic, make me feel like shit when I already felt bad session.
 So that is where I am tonight, I think that most of mankind got it wrong but I am doing my damnest to get it right for me. I think that it is unreasonable to expect unconditional love from others when you can only really get that from within. I think when we look in the mirror we need to be happy with ourselves and the decisions that we make to live by. If you don't think this: that we should find happiness within ourselves first, then you are well and truly fucked. I think that I have learned a new lesson this week at a high, painful price.