Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Ugh, Brick wall...

 I look back, talked to friends, reread my blog and I was the type of person that even if I was dying inside no one would see it. I would put on a game face and smile. I would and did worry over everyone else. I was never much concerned over me and neither was anyone else. Hind sight is always perfect isn't it? Now, tho, when I look out for me it all goes to hell in a hand basket even faster, it is time ... to ring the bell and count me OUT!
 I am faced with the same issues as I was when I went to sleep that faithful night... and I am faced with no having no solutions. Everything I have tried has not worked and I am fresh out of ideas. I turned to Jay and ... here is the stunning revelation by the light of the day.... I did not listen to what he said but the way he said it. 
 He has a way of talking that puts my back up every time. I found today while reading and thinking at the same time.... there is wisdom in his words even if his tone and attitude was lacking. I am trying to see things from his side...let me tell you it is hard. 
 I am here all day with the kids so when he gets home I want to talk to the ADULT in my life about how his kids are ... Kids... He sees me as whining, and I thought/saw myself as only talking. Great right? 
 We ran into a brick wall last night and today I am still reeling from it. I read to much yesterday and managed to forget to eat and gave myself a massive headache. I was calm and nice when I requested from Jay, Jami and Jess different things to help. I ask 3 times... needless to say by the forth time I lost it. I am not proud of that but it seems the only time I get attention from the others that live in this house with me is when I am "screaming like I have lost my damn mind". 
 Jay solution, no more yelling do it myself and shut up....... Yeah it looks good on paper. One small problem is that I can't do it alone. I just don't have it in me. This job is to big and right now I am feeling like I am too small. I thought the light would help after the horrid night but I am still weepy and angry and just tired. After being told to go whine to some one else last night I retreated to silence and have been that way every since. *Shrugs* I am so at a loss right now until it scares me. 
 I have tried all I know to do. I have run myself into the floor literally and no one noticed. I tried to do nothing and that got noticed but only in an abstract sort of way. I feel as tho I have given all I can give and that there is nothing left of me, in me, to me to give.... 
 I know that to the stranger reading these post makes it seem like the kids and Jay are monsters but they are not .... they are just who they are and right now I feel trapped. I feel alone and more tired than I can explain. I feel like I do whine a lot but not aloud, never aloud. I whine here.
 Jay get frustrated when speaking to me, I understand since I get frustrated too. To him it is going over things that we have handled years ago, to me it's all new. To me it is all overwhelming, to him it is just our life as it has been for a long time now. I can't apologize any more for things that I can't control and/or did not do on purpose. I am doing the best I can and I can't give any more.
In the same breathe I can't go on the way I have been. Some things will change, they have to. Or I am not sure I will be able to stick it out here, Lord knows I have tried and I am trying. I know no one ever said building that bridge to get over the past would be easy, I just can't find it in me today to pick up the fucking hammer for one more round. I worry that if I leave, does that make me the one that is weak? *sigh* I have to remind myself that it is ok to be not OK... it is ok to cry and have a bad day. I am also reminding myself that it is not fair to leave ME on the shelf ... 
 So it is time to move forward, not saying we will never back step but it is time to say goodbye to the past and stop trying so hard. I never wanted perfect but I think I did expect not to struggle this hard. I think I expected it to be worth it in the end and indeed it may be but right now it is not looking so.... blah just a bad day. 
So it is time to take some time out. It is time to give myself some space, time to take a deep breathe and let that what really does not matter slide. *smile* And a nap would not hurt in the least today. 

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Damn it I'm in that place once again!

I find myself in that horrible, disillusioned place once again. I hate my bedroom, since it is a living/den/bedroom all in one..... 
 I have a window sill that we made into a shelf for my tv, needless to say this did not work out so well, so the shelf became the Ninja kitty's favorite bed. Jay decided 3 days ago to move his stuff to the shelf along with my jewelry box and what not else. I warned him at the time that the Ninja kitty would knock it down but I know nothing .... 
 I soon got busy and honestly forgot about my box being on it until this morning and true to form the Ninja kitty jumped up there and my box went flying... I am still digging rings and tie tacks out from under my bed. I decided to clean the shelf back off and move our stuff to the bookshelf that lives by my bed that did nothing more than collect dust. In the process of cleaning and rearranging I find that I am in that place once again. 
 The damn it all to hell place where I don't know what I should put where or how. I want to spring clean our clothes but I have no idea what I will wear in the winter come the end of summer this year. I have no idea what falls to Jay's favorites and so forth. I am frustrated and tired. I am hating this room with a worse passion than I have felt since waking up. 
 I will admit something else here since I can. I hate the way Jay speaks to me on what ever I do. Nothing is ever "good enough" it is always, always, Always!, "well that is good but now do this or that or whatever". Take for example, the kids and I cleaned out the pool for them yesterday. Took 4 hours in the heat, we got it 98% done, I was not and am not worried about the last little bit since kids feet, bleach, and the filter will deal with it. I told the kids I was proud of them and good job! Jay comes in and goes "Good now get "this" brush re-scrub the bottom and add bleach". I could have beaten him black and blue. Within the last 2 weeks I have stopped asking him at all what he thinks about anything. I find that he can't do constructive criticism and I can't deal with his comments. That really sucks since he is the one I would expect the most support from. I have found there is no " WOW" factor any more for him. Nothing I do is surprising or good enough, I have not stopped trying yet, for when I do what I do, it is done for MY satisfaction but I did stop to wonder... Is this (his reaction) what lead me to stop trying before I woke up? Was he a major player in the role I had taken on to just go day to day and be mundane? 
 I find that I am not having a great week this week with my FM. I expected all my activity to catch up to me and it did. I am tired since I have woke every night for the last several between 2 and 3am... I hurt from bottom to top, not bad, not a screaming I can't deal pain but a deep dull ache, my everything aches. I want to cry so I guess I am hormonal it is about time again.... 
 Just Damn It All! I'm in that place once again and I hate it. I have no idea how to change it or make it better *sigh* today is just an icky day. 

Monday, March 12, 2012

NO set in stone schedule, new loves, and Nightmares....

So here we are again half way between I care and I could not give a rat's ass about anything.
 I get annoyed when unannounced visitors show up at my house during the day. I turn the ringer off on the phone for a reason. Let me explain. On of the many perks of homeschooling my children is that we have no schedule that has to be stuck to with iron clad rules..... That meaning we can do school work in our pj's or we can start at 8 am, or with mornings like this morning we did not get started till after 11 am.  We have really busy weeks that we totally kick it out and get all we need to get done, done. Then there are days when I know we will get nothing done so we do nothing. I hate it when my family shows up tho! It is just a big interruption to our day. I have to stop what I am working on, the kids get stopped, then it takes up to 30 minutes to get them redirected... pisses me off. I don't think it is to hard to understand that I don't want to be bothered till after 5 everyday. I must not be speaking American English any more .... I wonder if I switch to Bitch English will I be heard loud and clear then????? *sigh*
 So, moving on, my little baby dogs are a week old today and I am so in love! Jay told me I could keep the female, which the kids have started calling Bella, it fits. I have been with Jill (Mother dog) every step of the way and I am so relieved that I will be with Bella forever. When I thought I had to give them both up *both puppies* my heart broke. The day after they were born I had a picture of a chihuahua running through my head, of course I don't remember having a dog but I did and I loved this dog to pieces. So I am glad to have a new love. Don't get me wrong I love the little male pup too but he has a forever home to go to when he is old enough so ... I am a bit more reserved I think. 
 Now.... Nightmares! OMG, they have been so bad the last couple weeks. I have worked myself into falling down before I went to bed more days than not just to see if I could out run the nightmares, only to find I still get chased around the clock and wake around 3am covered in a cold sweat, trembling. This morning I had just barely come out of one where my 13yr old daughter was raped and refused to tell me who it was so that I could kill the bastard. Then her dog when nuts in her room... Now, Angel dog (Jami's puppy of 8 months) only barks like crazy when some one is here... I spring up from bed and ran through the house to Jami's room in less than 2 second. I was in full on Kick Ass, Protective Mother, Don't You Dare Touch My Kid mode. Only to find all was well .... I get Jami calmed down, Angel calmed down, the boys back to bed, be-still my pounding heart and step out side to sit a moment and smoke. Then I heard it, we have cats in our neighborhood, one is in heat, and they decided that the best place in the world to mate was under Jami's window. If you have ever heard a cat mating then you know they are LOUD, well, this scared Angel which made her bark like crazy and set off the chain of events described above. 
 I remember the nightmare with Jami in it which is odd since it was so horrible, and it is the first I have a dream with one of the kids in it. Most of the time I wake terrified and covered in sweat only to find when my eyes open and I set bolt straight in my bed I can only catch a fleeting glimpse of what the dream was. I only get vague impressions, just enough to know I was scared but it was only a dream. I hate that! I have had to deal with bad dreams since I woke in October. Some weeks are better some, like the last couple, are much worse. It has me asking today if it will ever get better and we can go back to the garden variety boogie man ones.... I don't think I liked those better but it is so much easier to dismiss a zombie as a nightmare than a memory that you don't remember that keeps trying to grab you. 
 Here we go again, let's take our hats off to Monday. Let's see if we can have us a grand week with no drama, no muss, no fuss....

Thursday, March 8, 2012

The Ramblings Of A Tired Mind....

  Been so hectic busy here, but all in a good way. Let me see if I can toss this out and then find repose in sleep since it is almost 3am.
  I have repainted every single wall that could be repainted in the last roughly 9 days. I have done all this alone. I have done all of this because since I woke up I have not felt like the house I live in is a HOME. That one word can mean so much. You can have a house live in it but it can't really be home until you make it your own and comfy. That is what I have set out to do. I am getting it done as well, slowly but surly, since I have to do the bulk of it alone. I begged for a while for Jay to help but he is the king of procrastination, and in his defense he works hard all week so, this is where I step in and I pick up the slack since this is something I desperately want done and he does not really care about. 
 The kitchen is now completely done! YAY! The boy's room needs just the trim to be done. Got angry with Jay for that one, I took Jess and Jonah to pick out the color they wanted ... they picked orange... fine with me, I did 2 walls and Jay said it was bad for lack of a better word. I left it orange for 3 days with my son going back and forth "I like it, I don't like it". On the 4th day Mommy stepped in went and bought Eggshell Almond and redid the whole room in that color. It is slightly darker than beige.. I love it and when all was said and done Jesse and Jonah LOVE it! Jami picked a dark blue (cringes) so we did her walls that color, and the trim that I will finish up tomorrow will be a light purple. The colors work well together I was amazed. When this is all over said and done I will feel like I have accomplished a good bit. I have work so hard on this and I am so satisfied with the results. Jami loves her room what more could I ask for?
 OK so on to a nicer note! I have PUPPIES! The arrived Monday, March 6, 2012. Two perfect precious little angels, one little girl and one little boy. My boys have taken to calling the little girl Bella even tho I told them we should not name her for a little while more *shrugs* Kids, what can you do?  My sister Tammie wants both of them but I have agreed to give her the male. Today working with the babies and just watching them I kept seeing a dog in my mind.... a tiny black and tan dog. Every time her face came to mind my heart broke a little more. I ask Jay when he got home if I had a dog, not a family dog but a ME dog... I did. I had 2 black and tan Chihuahuas. The baby one we got at 8 weeks old and we named her Baby... I have caught myself telling Jill *the doxie dog of my daughter's that had the puppies* "come on Baby dog we gotta go for a walk." Kind of a kick in the gut because I don't remember the dog but my heart grieves for the love that I feel and I lost if that makes any sense. 
 Jay saw this and understood thank god, he tells me "So, we're keeping Bella RIGHT?!" (God they got Jay doing it too, I so can't win this one lol) I can't think of having it any other way. My heart tells me I loved my chihuahua, and I know right now that I love Bella very very much, I have had my hands on this baby from the moment she was born, and now thanks to my loving husband I will have my hands on this baby the day she leaves us. That may seem morbid but it is not. God only gives us our pets to love for a little while, the worse thing I think I could ever ever do is say "I will NEVER get another one" ... that is not me... I loved one and I will love another this is in no way a slight to the pet I loved before. I am happy and sad this early morning... but here is the funny.. Jesse tells me "mom I have never had a dog" ..o.O "What honey? I never let you have a dog?" he answered "I never wanted one till now so if you decided to keep Bella I will help you train her and keep her safe." I really don't see this tiny little girl going anywhere ever. :)
 Now one more rant then I will head to bed since I think I have cried myself out for a while. If I see ONE more christian bitch about how Eve did us wrong I may go bonkers! HOLY HELL! Do I have a different copy of the bible than they do? In all my copies and all the translations it roughly says this "Eve took the apple then she TURNED to Adam and handed it to him." mmm Hello?! she turned to him.. meaning she did not have to go through Eden going "AAAAAAAAAAAAdam, hey AAAAAAdamn, Hey boy where is you?" So ok I will grant you she made a mistake .. but Adam was standing right there the whole time.. this is my take... If Adam had been any sort of a MAN at all..the minute the snake showed up he would have kicked his ass out of Eden. Adam should have said "Hold on a sec babe I got this!" but no.. he was a coward and just accepted what was handed to him. I think that when I get to heaven I will go kick Adam in the ass and ask him if he ever did grow a set of balls. *shrugs* not very nice I know but I am so sick of Christians blaming it all on Eve... she did not do it alone. That is my take on that. 
      I guess on that note I need to bring it to a close. Let's see, my eyes are finally getting heavy, this may come out as gibberish when I read it in the daylight but there will be no spelling errors with spell checker LOL. I am almost done with the house and I am happy with that. I get a new love in my life and I am thrilled with that I can't wait to watch her grow. All in All things are not so bad...