Saturday, September 3, 2011

What Am I?

I am so many things but lately I feel like I am coming across wrong... Let's toss this out and see where it falls...

The last week has not been a great week, not super bad but not anything to be over the moon about. I accept that there will be days or weeks like this, I am tired and I over do things a lot, but this is the life I lead. In the past I would hide and just wait out the storm which always passes to show clear blue skies again. I took the urging of a friend this last week and did not hide. I have learned that this is a mistake, really, no one can deal with the side of me that is just cranky, tired, and sees in only gray in my personal world. I am not always down, I smile often, then speak of greatness but I can't escape the fact that there will be days or weeks that the sun will just not shine as bright for me and that is fine.
 In not hiding my head in the sand so to speak I think I have come across as a very melancholy person and that is so just not the case. I am upbeat about everything but ME... I think that is my right to be down trodden about myself sometimes. I do not complain that does no good I have learned. I simply state the way things have been this week because you ask and I am sure I seem just the lowest of lows. In not hiding I have left myself open to the love of others which is not a bad thing but, they do what we all do when we love someone dearly, they offer their finest best possible solution to the situation at hand, and that is what I do not need. I don't need a solution, I don't need to be fixed, and one more step further I don't want YOU to make it better for me, that is not your job.  I don't want to hear that you would do this or that if you were here... deal with it, you can't be where I am even in you are in the same room as me. Sucks I know... but much in life does... 
 I am still dealing with the fact that it seems lately I have NO BUILD to anger... it is I love you one minute and I will tear your head off the next. This is coming out worse and worse with my family and friends... I have always seen myself as low key, not so much as laid back just not an in your face judgmental kind of person... I only judge myself and trust me I am the best/worse critic of myself.. I do a better job at it than anyone else could ever dream of doing... 
 I am not depressed, I am wore out. I am not sad just tired. I am not happy about where I am, but, I am extremely thrilled for where you are going. I can't be all roses and sunshine because it is raining for me, but, here let me hold the umbrella for you. 
 I wanted to achieve so much and I have done a lot but there is more work to do, with no rest for the wicked. I'm not dying I am just surviving, not thriving mind you, but I will get there, I always do. 
 I think with the people we love we always walk a tight rope, as it were, of what they need us to be and what we think they need us to be. I think that a lot of people fall short and wind up in the safety net below, in one way that is a grace, you had a net to catch you and in another it shows you where you overstepped in the first place. I am open to so much but I would not ever want to change the people we are, who we really are on the inside, because that is who we love in ourselves and each other. That being said I reserve the right to step back from any and everything when any and everything is not what I need. If this hurts my friends I am sorry that is never my intent, sometimes this has to be the way it is, please be satisfied with the knowledge I still have a pulse and have not fallen off the face of the earth. 
 I have been struggling with where I get what I need when I need it and from whom. I have such a vast support group I am so in love with. I am a blessed in that, I will not ask for more from the ones I love the most, because, I have a feeling they could not give more, especially when I don't know what exactly the more is that I am needing. I think this may be a phase I must look at alone, and, as with most things, I will shake it about, I will take it apart, look from all angles, then put it back together with a balance that I can live with. 
 Life is not always grand but it is not so horrid either, not here  where I am right now, just a little gray, and when the gray fades I will appericate the colors all the more for the gray that has passed.
 So What Am I? I am just a woman that is swimming in an ocean of grey looking for an island that will bring me rest. I am so many things and I found it is ok that not all of them are pleasing to look at.

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