Tuesday, September 27, 2011

"It was only a dream..." Alice said.

Alice looks around and declares that Wonderland was only a dream.
 The last several weeks have been so busy for me with no down time. I had a migraine that kept me a slave for a week, then it was a week long revival with my church, then my birthday came and went with no zeal. I finally feel that this week I can rest to catch up as it were, but, I woke  up at 4am today with a severe fever and super painful throat, (ie I am sick and I am not a good sick person) then Jay ask if the kids were doing what they need to do as far as school goes. Now I know I should not internalize his statements it was not a "are you fucking up with teaching them" but I have always been the scape goat and I play the part well even when I am unwilling to play it. His statement was more along the lines "Joni, are you OK with this since you have been having more bad days and have been more busy".
 The reality is that I am not OK with this, I am tired of homeschooling honestly. After reviewing the options tho it would seem that I have no choice in the matter. James would do OK with day school and be just fine. Jesse would not do so great since he is dyslexic and would struggle badly. They would want to put Jonah in Kindergarten due to his birthday being in October, we did that last year and I will not send him and make him bored. Also if I send them away then I will become a blob, I will do nothing I know this. It would start out as one day a week but with in a couple months it would be everyday that I just don't do anything because I don't have to. Much as I love my mother that is what she is like, she never gets up to do anything and I refuse to be like that. On a good note though the kids are busy and doing as they need to be doing, I reassured Jay last night that they are working a grade ahead in most subjects and that they would be/are fine. This is to big a deal for me to fuck it up, this will impact their whole lives, that in and of itself will keep me doing what I have to do to make sure they have every chance to succeed in life.
 That being said I have found that I can't do things like I used to and it is killing me inside. I have been battling depression for 3 weeks now and I am tired of shaking the box hoping, against hope, that I find a new solution in the same jumble of stuff that is in the box. I have had more bad days, I will admit that. I can't find it in me to be as active as I was, or when I do become over active I pay the price ... wondering how much more I will have to pay since I am broken all the way around now. I find myself asking "what if this is as good as it gets?"
 On a different note, Jay's computer died yesterday, a relay, or compositor or whatever decided it did not want to play anymore. To keep my sanity I have slaved out my laptop to his monitor, keyboard, and mouse. I will not have my computer at night now which poses an interesting problem since I use it to go to sleep with. This will work till we get him or me a new one, I am pulling for me.
 "It was only a dream". Alice later finds that it was not just a dream but memories of a place she has been and things she has done.
 I feel like I am walking in a dream, or dreaming of things that were and that will never be again.

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