Thursday, August 18, 2011

I am ready to say ta hell with it all...

Wow, tonight finds me so .... angry, and disappointed. It finds me ready to walk out the door on the last 14 years of marriage and everything we have built.
 God knows I am trying and I have been trying but I still feel as tho I have fallen short, it is a but by the grace of God that I am still in my bed typing tonight instead of crashing on a friends couch.
 We *the kids and I* have been so busy with getting ready to start school again, and with church things that I am tired. I will be the first to admit that and I have retreated in silence to my bed, lest I say things that I will regret. I have learned the very hard way here in the last month that I seem to have NO BUILD to anger, it is I love you one moment, and I will kill you with a fucking spork if you speak again. I hate that but that is just how it is.
 I have done all that I should do as a wife, up to and including being a door mat. I cook, clean, raise the kids, and TEACH them here at home. I have no life beyond this house and my church, which has been a very sore point with him to. Go figure I get happy and he is dead set on pissing me off and making me feel guilty.
 I feel inadequate when he is near and that just freaking sucks because I am a smart very capable woman in all aspects. I know this, and I am confident in myself,  just as I know that whining about the way things are does not change the way they are.
 Why do I stay? That is not an easy one to answer. I love him, really love him and love is blind. God hates divorce. The kids need us both. Yes, I could do it alone and we would be fine but it would be so very unfair to the kids. I can deal with a lot to keep them happy. I can hide even more to ensure they are getting what they need. I can ignore the rest and still be who I need to be for the kids, and still be a great wife, even on the days that he does not agree.
 So where do we land tonight, in bed, in silence, and that is not a bad thing. I have heard it said that a crying woman is a scheming woman... I have not hit the tears yet so I am not scheming yet on how to kill him and bury him in the backyard. It is better I hope to end it in silence than in a screaming match that would rival the sinking of the Titanic, if I open my mouth again tonight that is where it will end up I promise you. Either screaming or me walking out and I don't think either seem like a very viable option tonight ... things that make you go ummmm.

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