So it has been almost two months since I made my last post and we are coming up to the 10th month since I woke. I am not in a bad place but I am for sure in an odd place.
Things are happening fast around here for the most part, and that is not a bad thing at all. I am expecting a happy bundle of joy around the end of October. We found out on the 23rd of July that we are having another little girl and I am EXCITED! We will name her Juliet but I am not sure of what the middle name will be just yet.
Jesse's birthday is in just a few days, he will be 10, he is looking forward to that. We do lunch with the adult of his choice then shopping for presents, again with the adult of his choice. Basically a day with the parent you choose. I think this is a nice tradition.
Let's see.... I have all the baby's things set up and ready for her. My loving mother in law bought me a changing table/dresser for her. When Jay went to pick it up one of his family members gave us the crib I had been saving for ... it is white and goes from crib to toddler bed to day bed and it is gorgeous! Plus it came with everything it needed: mattress, bumper pads, mobile so forth. Everything for the crib is pink and brown lady bugs and flowers. Then my mother in law got me a set of white and a set of pink sheets for it.
I have had the car seat for her since I was 10 weeks pregnant so that is all ready to go. I have several new born outfits and a lot of 0-3 month outfits. I will be getting more but I am not going over board with that part just yet, I am waiting to see how big she will be first. The only other item we will need, but not right away is a stroller. I want an umbrella stroller, they are not expensive and come in all kinds of material designs, but Juliet will need to be able to support her own head before we need that so ..... now is the waiting game.
I made 25 weeks today by doctors' dates but if Juliet is anything like my other 3 children I am somewhere between 27-28 weeks. Meaning my due date is November 19th, but my body and past experience and OBGYN is saying just make it to October 29th. which will make me 37 weeks. I have a long 12 weeks to go, me thinks.
For the most part right now I feel as tho I have been living in a dream. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop with a horrid "thud". I am waiting for all the best laid plan of mice and woman to get kicked to the gutter. I am not sure why I feel like this is my wonderland and the bubble will burst soon but I do. *Sigh*
I have decided that is baby is all mine, and all for me. Reads funny right? Think on it, I don't remember the others, so while they are very beloved and special, this one will be different. I will not say more special or loved since I love all the kids but .... Special to me for sure. Also I am honestly not getting the support at home that I feel I that I need.... yeah ok that reads funny to but again think on it... We have been here and done this, so everyone can go "been there" and take it all in stride but I can't. I worry, not so much that I can't do this because I know I can, but that I will some how fuck this up big time because I can't remember what to do.
I feel lost in a way. Jay tells me "your body will remember" "you have this you have done it before"... yeah ok so my body might but I am not the person I was when I went to sleep that morning. What if I can't wing it?
So, remember to breathe and remember that while I am not the same person I was last year, I am not a failure. I have not fucked everything up, I have not gone insane, I have not run away, which some days I really could have, I did not kill myself, which in the beginning was more of an option that I want to think about right now. I am sure I will find that I have this even though right now it does not feel like a sure bet. Maybe this dream will last and I will not wake to a nightmare...
~Till next time.