I look back, talked to friends, reread my blog and I was the type of person that even if I was dying inside no one would see it. I would put on a game face and smile. I would and did worry over everyone else. I was never much concerned over me and neither was anyone else. Hind sight is always perfect isn't it? Now, tho, when I look out for me it all goes to hell in a hand basket even faster, it is time ... to ring the bell and count me OUT!
I am faced with the same issues as I was when I went to sleep that faithful night... and I am faced with no having no solutions. Everything I have tried has not worked and I am fresh out of ideas. I turned to Jay and ... here is the stunning revelation by the light of the day.... I did not listen to what he said but the way he said it.
He has a way of talking that puts my back up every time. I found today while reading and thinking at the same time.... there is wisdom in his words even if his tone and attitude was lacking. I am trying to see things from his side...let me tell you it is hard.
I am here all day with the kids so when he gets home I want to talk to the ADULT in my life about how his kids are ... Kids... He sees me as whining, and I thought/saw myself as only talking. Great right?
We ran into a brick wall last night and today I am still reeling from it. I read to much yesterday and managed to forget to eat and gave myself a massive headache. I was calm and nice when I requested from Jay, Jami and Jess different things to help. I ask 3 times... needless to say by the forth time I lost it. I am not proud of that but it seems the only time I get attention from the others that live in this house with me is when I am "screaming like I have lost my damn mind".
Jay solution, no more yelling do it myself and shut up....... Yeah it looks good on paper. One small problem is that I can't do it alone. I just don't have it in me. This job is to big and right now I am feeling like I am too small. I thought the light would help after the horrid night but I am still weepy and angry and just tired. After being told to go whine to some one else last night I retreated to silence and have been that way every since. *Shrugs* I am so at a loss right now until it scares me.
I have tried all I know to do. I have run myself into the floor literally and no one noticed. I tried to do nothing and that got noticed but only in an abstract sort of way. I feel as tho I have given all I can give and that there is nothing left of me, in me, to me to give....
I know that to the stranger reading these post makes it seem like the kids and Jay are monsters but they are not .... they are just who they are and right now I feel trapped. I feel alone and more tired than I can explain. I feel like I do whine a lot but not aloud, never aloud. I whine here.
Jay get frustrated when speaking to me, I understand since I get frustrated too. To him it is going over things that we have handled years ago, to me it's all new. To me it is all overwhelming, to him it is just our life as it has been for a long time now. I can't apologize any more for things that I can't control and/or did not do on purpose. I am doing the best I can and I can't give any more.
In the same breathe I can't go on the way I have been. Some things will change, they have to. Or I am not sure I will be able to stick it out here, Lord knows I have tried and I am trying. I know no one ever said building that bridge to get over the past would be easy, I just can't find it in me today to pick up the fucking hammer for one more round. I worry that if I leave, does that make me the one that is weak? *sigh* I have to remind myself that it is ok to be not OK... it is ok to cry and have a bad day. I am also reminding myself that it is not fair to leave ME on the shelf ...
So it is time to move forward, not saying we will never back step but it is time to say goodbye to the past and stop trying so hard. I never wanted perfect but I think I did expect not to struggle this hard. I think I expected it to be worth it in the end and indeed it may be but right now it is not looking so.... blah just a bad day.
So it is time to take some time out. It is time to give myself some space, time to take a deep breathe and let that what really does not matter slide. *smile* And a nap would not hurt in the least today.
