NO set in stone schedule, new loves, and Nightmares....

So here we are again half way between I care and I could not give a rat's ass about anything.
 I get annoyed when unannounced visitors show up at my house during the day. I turn the ringer off on the phone for a reason. Let me explain. On of the many perks of homeschooling my children is that we have no schedule that has to be stuck to with iron clad rules..... That meaning we can do school work in our pj's or we can start at 8 am, or with mornings like this morning we did not get started till after 11 am.  We have really busy weeks that we totally kick it out and get all we need to get done, done. Then there are days when I know we will get nothing done so we do nothing. I hate it when my family shows up tho! It is just a big interruption to our day. I have to stop what I am working on, the kids get stopped, then it takes up to 30 minutes to get them redirected... pisses me off. I don't think it is to hard to understand that I don't want to be bothered till after 5 everyday. I must not be speaking American English any more .... I wonder if I switch to Bitch English will I be heard loud and clear then????? *sigh*
 So, moving on, my little baby dogs are a week old today and I am so in love! Jay told me I could keep the female, which the kids have started calling Bella, it fits. I have been with Jill (Mother dog) every step of the way and I am so relieved that I will be with Bella forever. When I thought I had to give them both up *both puppies* my heart broke. The day after they were born I had a picture of a chihuahua running through my head, of course I don't remember having a dog but I did and I loved this dog to pieces. So I am glad to have a new love. Don't get me wrong I love the little male pup too but he has a forever home to go to when he is old enough so ... I am a bit more reserved I think. 
 Now.... Nightmares! OMG, they have been so bad the last couple weeks. I have worked myself into falling down before I went to bed more days than not just to see if I could out run the nightmares, only to find I still get chased around the clock and wake around 3am covered in a cold sweat, trembling. This morning I had just barely come out of one where my 13yr old daughter was raped and refused to tell me who it was so that I could kill the bastard. Then her dog when nuts in her room... Now, Angel dog (Jami's puppy of 8 months) only barks like crazy when some one is here... I spring up from bed and ran through the house to Jami's room in less than 2 second. I was in full on Kick Ass, Protective Mother, Don't You Dare Touch My Kid mode. Only to find all was well .... I get Jami calmed down, Angel calmed down, the boys back to bed, be-still my pounding heart and step out side to sit a moment and smoke. Then I heard it, we have cats in our neighborhood, one is in heat, and they decided that the best place in the world to mate was under Jami's window. If you have ever heard a cat mating then you know they are LOUD, well, this scared Angel which made her bark like crazy and set off the chain of events described above. 
 I remember the nightmare with Jami in it which is odd since it was so horrible, and it is the first I have a dream with one of the kids in it. Most of the time I wake terrified and covered in sweat only to find when my eyes open and I set bolt straight in my bed I can only catch a fleeting glimpse of what the dream was. I only get vague impressions, just enough to know I was scared but it was only a dream. I hate that! I have had to deal with bad dreams since I woke in October. Some weeks are better some, like the last couple, are much worse. It has me asking today if it will ever get better and we can go back to the garden variety boogie man ones.... I don't think I liked those better but it is so much easier to dismiss a zombie as a nightmare than a memory that you don't remember that keeps trying to grab you. 
 Here we go again, let's take our hats off to Monday. Let's see if we can have us a grand week with no drama, no muss, no fuss....

A forgotten love, Oh no I think I missed a step, just blah

Wednesday finds me struggling again, wondering will the struggle ever end? I know that in my life I am missing a few things, one of which is church but every time I plan to go back I go into almost panic mode. I am not ready and I know this upsets Jami greatly but I am doing the best I can. I am not sure if that makes me sad or just blah. Oh, yeah, the blahs have set in badly. I don't know how to snap out of them no matter how hard I try. 
 I feel out of sorts again, I would have thought, in fact I did think that I was done with the ups and downs of the amnesia episode but I'm not..... Maybe if the memories had come back I would be but since that has not happened I can only do as I have been doing, going day by day. Sometimes just hour by hour is the hardest struggle. Nights like tonight it is really "Oh No! I think I missed a step again".. something is not there that I feel should be.. something is missing or just off. I feel like I don't know if I should go right or left. I feel like any decision I make will be a mistake so I sit back and do nothing. By doing nothing I get aggravated since I would rather be busy any day, I hate to feel like I am twiddling my thumbs.... 
 On to my forgotten love..... I have a friend that I have known for around 12 years... that I lost in October, not as in dead as in I don't remember him at all. I have spoken to him weekly and my heart knows him *if that makes any sense* but my mind is blank. Over the last couple months we have built a rapport, I am so at ease with speaking to him. I can't help but feel like something is missing... my heart breaks every time I talk to him. I know that we had a past relationship that made it to a life long friendship, I know this because I have been told by others and my heart confirms it to me but in my head there is nothing. I can't begin to explain how screwed up that can make you if you think a lot over nothing like I do. 
 The what if's have been kicking my ass again in all area's and in this one doubly so. I have been meaning to call up Paul for over a week now and ask straight out. I finally did today. The question that stumped me badly, the one I was terrified earlier to give utterance, the BIG one (for me at least): "Why bother?" I guess I needed reassuring from all angles ... I had to know. He said what I needed to hear tho and that makes me feel so much better. I am terrified honestly, that since I woke up I am a different person, I am not who I was before October, I am not so vastly different but I damn sure am not the same.  What if (yeah yeah the dreaded what if's) he could not love the person I am now? He said that he loves me no matter, yes this is a fucked up situation but when we got matching tattoo's and agreed to be friends forever we never got a iron clad promise that things would not get fucked up. He went on to say that I could not get rid of him even if I tried.. not that I have but ...  as with my other close and much needed friends I was worried they would get tired of having to put me back together, to some extent I am still worried over that even tonight. What if I can't find it in me to love who he is? That one I already have the answer to, thank god!, I do know I love him even if I don't remember. I am more over grateful that emotions do not rely on logic!
 Honestly tho the "What If's" can run rampant on me, and knowing this does now give me the knowledge on how to defy or defeat them. I am at a low tonight that Jay is blaming on hormones and he may be right. Even if it is, that does not change the fact that I am blah and blue. I did a great dinner for the family, and I have retreated to my bed with my music on an MP3, doing my damnest to block it all out for a while. 
 In a world we are all busy and crazy hectic, it never fails to amaze me that we find time to love our friends. Family love is given so easily, we see our family every day and that makes it simple. With our friends we only talk every now and then. We may only get to see each other once in a while, but to know that we still make time to love them even when we can't be closer is at least some what consoling tonight. So here is to love of friends near and far. Plus, here is to the sun coming to banish all my doubts and fears.