So you come to the point in your life that you have to let go of things, people, the past. A point when you can't pretend any more, a spot where you have to figure out what you need for you in order to move on. I have decided that there is never a right time to say goodbye to a person you love dearly but that you should do it before they start hating you. You should do it before you say things to hurt them.
I know that this is not that person's fault but it is mine, I accept that, but that does not change the fact that for a week now this has needed to be done and I have put it off. There is never a right time. I am not the one to make snap decisions and after going over it all for a week, I have decided that I have to do this.
I am not who I was I accept that, they are not who I remember, I accept that too, but I hate the person they have become. I can't understand or deal with them the way they are now. So proud, self-centered, unbending, unable to see outside the box they are in, unsympathetic, with no empathy. I can't deal with that kind of person in my life right now, and tho I love them to death, I always will no matter what, it is better to say goodbye now than to have them hate me for what I have and am becoming.
It is hard to make this decision. I have spent many nights crying over it. I still feel that this is the best step for me since I can't ignore or overlook it any longer. I have been told since I woke up to start taking care of myself and looking out for myself, I guess that starts with removing all turmoil from my life and trying to find a new balance with what I have now.
I always thought friends were supposed to build you up even if they disagree with you. I always thought friends were supposed to love you and support you even when they would rather scream at you. I am that kind of friend..... I forgive shortcomings in others and if I need to point them out I do it in a way that is not making them feel like I kicked them below the belt... that is what I thought friends do. I think that you can be honest, and have to be honest with the friends you love, in a way that is supportive and comforting. Is it any less the truth when you say it in a loving, tactful way? NO. But the words you use have an impact on how it is received and they have an emotional impact if you use the wrong words or use the words in the wrong way.
Right now I am hurting over a love that I have grown apart from, a love that does not understand or does not want to understand me any more. A love that I can't understand any more... I hope the old adage that time heals all will work quickly for me. For the love I must step back from I am sorry, it is not you, it is me... you can't give me what I need and I have to figure out what I need before I can ask for it. What you do give me is confusion and heartache. I have had enough of that in the last 3 months that I can't deal with any more. I love you and I always will but for now this must be goodbye............
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Finding confidence ....
Hit kind of a low again yesterday, was partly because I did not sleep well the night before and more over because I am still in the process of but that is Okay today.
So we live and learn..... sometimes the road ahead means you have to back up a bit to correct something to move forward. So that is what I did, I had a conversation with Jay on Sunday of the last week and I felt so much better, but all he got from it was I was bitching at him. That was not the way I saw it, I was speaking but ummm so he got the bitching and decided why bother to do anything basically since all I would do is fuss. I had to explain to him that I was not fussing I was speaking to the ADULT in my life. That went well and we are better, well, I feel better today.
Jay made an interesting point that I must take time consider: I have cut every other adult out of my life thus far. I have no urge to see or deal with my siblings or parents. While this is just so odd, and mind-blowing to Jay, for me it makes sense in a way. To my heart I only left home 8 months or so ago and HELL NO I am not ready to get involved in that again. My siblings, and parents are wonderful and I love them dearly but it has always been "Let Joni, or Joni can or Joni this, that and the other". Right now it is all I can do to handle me so I am putting me first much as that is killing Jay and my family.
I was so blue and wound up in myself yesterday and I was angry with Jay and everything. I ask Jay if all we are is "Mom" and "Dad". His answer was yes for the next 12 years... my reply is that is not enough. He was confused but here is the explanation " I can be a fantastic mother, friend, wife, sister, so forth but I am more than just those titles". Basically I wanted him to see that I was more and that he HAS to be more for me than just the father of my children. I refuse to stay locked in a marriage where I am just the non-paid maid, and I told him if that is all he wants "go hire a maid your life will be easier since she will not bitch at you when you fuck up". I think he understood, time will tell.
I am not running which for me is amazing since I don't really see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. I was so low on self esteem yesterday. I just felt trapped and bruised. I am better today and I am now ready to make a game plan for a smoother time in the future. I am not running, we have to much time and love invested to give up now. Something must have been there to keep me here for over 14 years. Now my job is to find that something again, even if I have to tear down the walls and destroy everything in my path. Today I find that I can do this.
"I didnt think to bring a wash cloth
And rub away the dirt
Myself and I we share
This barely beating heart of hurt
... And when the hurt comes theres an argument,
A fight to save a smile
A small attack on human tears
To dry them for a while
A dream we all should count on ;
Yeah a vision I believe
Where confidence is found
Attached to wires on our sleeve
Where loneliness is history
Told to pack his shit and leave
Where guidance is a fortune
Told to help in time of need
And where crying isn't secret
It's the art of how we grieve
And lessons are the key
To every goal I will acheive
I will achieve."
~drilled a wire through my cheek~ Blue October
So we live and learn..... sometimes the road ahead means you have to back up a bit to correct something to move forward. So that is what I did, I had a conversation with Jay on Sunday of the last week and I felt so much better, but all he got from it was I was bitching at him. That was not the way I saw it, I was speaking but ummm so he got the bitching and decided why bother to do anything basically since all I would do is fuss. I had to explain to him that I was not fussing I was speaking to the ADULT in my life. That went well and we are better, well, I feel better today.
Jay made an interesting point that I must take time consider: I have cut every other adult out of my life thus far. I have no urge to see or deal with my siblings or parents. While this is just so odd, and mind-blowing to Jay, for me it makes sense in a way. To my heart I only left home 8 months or so ago and HELL NO I am not ready to get involved in that again. My siblings, and parents are wonderful and I love them dearly but it has always been "Let Joni, or Joni can or Joni this, that and the other". Right now it is all I can do to handle me so I am putting me first much as that is killing Jay and my family.
I was so blue and wound up in myself yesterday and I was angry with Jay and everything. I ask Jay if all we are is "Mom" and "Dad". His answer was yes for the next 12 years... my reply is that is not enough. He was confused but here is the explanation " I can be a fantastic mother, friend, wife, sister, so forth but I am more than just those titles". Basically I wanted him to see that I was more and that he HAS to be more for me than just the father of my children. I refuse to stay locked in a marriage where I am just the non-paid maid, and I told him if that is all he wants "go hire a maid your life will be easier since she will not bitch at you when you fuck up". I think he understood, time will tell.
I am not running which for me is amazing since I don't really see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. I was so low on self esteem yesterday. I just felt trapped and bruised. I am better today and I am now ready to make a game plan for a smoother time in the future. I am not running, we have to much time and love invested to give up now. Something must have been there to keep me here for over 14 years. Now my job is to find that something again, even if I have to tear down the walls and destroy everything in my path. Today I find that I can do this.
"I didnt think to bring a wash cloth
And rub away the dirt
Myself and I we share
This barely beating heart of hurt
... And when the hurt comes theres an argument,
A fight to save a smile
A small attack on human tears
To dry them for a while
A dream we all should count on ;
Yeah a vision I believe
Where confidence is found
Attached to wires on our sleeve
Where loneliness is history
Told to pack his shit and leave
Where guidance is a fortune
Told to help in time of need
And where crying isn't secret
It's the art of how we grieve
And lessons are the key
To every goal I will acheive
I will achieve."
~drilled a wire through my cheek~ Blue October
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
A forgotten love, Oh no I think I missed a step, just blah
Wednesday finds me struggling again, wondering will the struggle ever end? I know that in my life I am missing a few things, one of which is church but every time I plan to go back I go into almost panic mode. I am not ready and I know this upsets Jami greatly but I am doing the best I can. I am not sure if that makes me sad or just blah. Oh, yeah, the blahs have set in badly. I don't know how to snap out of them no matter how hard I try.
I feel out of sorts again, I would have thought, in fact I did think that I was done with the ups and downs of the amnesia episode but I'm not..... Maybe if the memories had come back I would be but since that has not happened I can only do as I have been doing, going day by day. Sometimes just hour by hour is the hardest struggle. Nights like tonight it is really "Oh No! I think I missed a step again".. something is not there that I feel should be.. something is missing or just off. I feel like I don't know if I should go right or left. I feel like any decision I make will be a mistake so I sit back and do nothing. By doing nothing I get aggravated since I would rather be busy any day, I hate to feel like I am twiddling my thumbs....
On to my forgotten love..... I have a friend that I have known for around 12 years... that I lost in October, not as in dead as in I don't remember him at all. I have spoken to him weekly and my heart knows him *if that makes any sense* but my mind is blank. Over the last couple months we have built a rapport, I am so at ease with speaking to him. I can't help but feel like something is missing... my heart breaks every time I talk to him. I know that we had a past relationship that made it to a life long friendship, I know this because I have been told by others and my heart confirms it to me but in my head there is nothing. I can't begin to explain how screwed up that can make you if you think a lot over nothing like I do.
The what if's have been kicking my ass again in all area's and in this one doubly so. I have been meaning to call up Paul for over a week now and ask straight out. I finally did today. The question that stumped me badly, the one I was terrified earlier to give utterance, the BIG one (for me at least): "Why bother?" I guess I needed reassuring from all angles ... I had to know. He said what I needed to hear tho and that makes me feel so much better. I am terrified honestly, that since I woke up I am a different person, I am not who I was before October, I am not so vastly different but I damn sure am not the same. What if (yeah yeah the dreaded what if's) he could not love the person I am now? He said that he loves me no matter, yes this is a fucked up situation but when we got matching tattoo's and agreed to be friends forever we never got a iron clad promise that things would not get fucked up. He went on to say that I could not get rid of him even if I tried.. not that I have but ... as with my other close and much needed friends I was worried they would get tired of having to put me back together, to some extent I am still worried over that even tonight. What if I can't find it in me to love who he is? That one I already have the answer to, thank god!, I do know I love him even if I don't remember. I am more over grateful that emotions do not rely on logic!
Honestly tho the "What If's" can run rampant on me, and knowing this does now give me the knowledge on how to defy or defeat them. I am at a low tonight that Jay is blaming on hormones and he may be right. Even if it is, that does not change the fact that I am blah and blue. I did a great dinner for the family, and I have retreated to my bed with my music on an MP3, doing my damnest to block it all out for a while.
In a world we are all busy and crazy hectic, it never fails to amaze me that we find time to love our friends. Family love is given so easily, we see our family every day and that makes it simple. With our friends we only talk every now and then. We may only get to see each other once in a while, but to know that we still make time to love them even when we can't be closer is at least some what consoling tonight. So here is to love of friends near and far. Plus, here is to the sun coming to banish all my doubts and fears.
I feel out of sorts again, I would have thought, in fact I did think that I was done with the ups and downs of the amnesia episode but I'm not..... Maybe if the memories had come back I would be but since that has not happened I can only do as I have been doing, going day by day. Sometimes just hour by hour is the hardest struggle. Nights like tonight it is really "Oh No! I think I missed a step again".. something is not there that I feel should be.. something is missing or just off. I feel like I don't know if I should go right or left. I feel like any decision I make will be a mistake so I sit back and do nothing. By doing nothing I get aggravated since I would rather be busy any day, I hate to feel like I am twiddling my thumbs....
On to my forgotten love..... I have a friend that I have known for around 12 years... that I lost in October, not as in dead as in I don't remember him at all. I have spoken to him weekly and my heart knows him *if that makes any sense* but my mind is blank. Over the last couple months we have built a rapport, I am so at ease with speaking to him. I can't help but feel like something is missing... my heart breaks every time I talk to him. I know that we had a past relationship that made it to a life long friendship, I know this because I have been told by others and my heart confirms it to me but in my head there is nothing. I can't begin to explain how screwed up that can make you if you think a lot over nothing like I do.
The what if's have been kicking my ass again in all area's and in this one doubly so. I have been meaning to call up Paul for over a week now and ask straight out. I finally did today. The question that stumped me badly, the one I was terrified earlier to give utterance, the BIG one (for me at least): "Why bother?" I guess I needed reassuring from all angles ... I had to know. He said what I needed to hear tho and that makes me feel so much better. I am terrified honestly, that since I woke up I am a different person, I am not who I was before October, I am not so vastly different but I damn sure am not the same. What if (yeah yeah the dreaded what if's) he could not love the person I am now? He said that he loves me no matter, yes this is a fucked up situation but when we got matching tattoo's and agreed to be friends forever we never got a iron clad promise that things would not get fucked up. He went on to say that I could not get rid of him even if I tried.. not that I have but ... as with my other close and much needed friends I was worried they would get tired of having to put me back together, to some extent I am still worried over that even tonight. What if I can't find it in me to love who he is? That one I already have the answer to, thank god!, I do know I love him even if I don't remember. I am more over grateful that emotions do not rely on logic!
Honestly tho the "What If's" can run rampant on me, and knowing this does now give me the knowledge on how to defy or defeat them. I am at a low tonight that Jay is blaming on hormones and he may be right. Even if it is, that does not change the fact that I am blah and blue. I did a great dinner for the family, and I have retreated to my bed with my music on an MP3, doing my damnest to block it all out for a while.
In a world we are all busy and crazy hectic, it never fails to amaze me that we find time to love our friends. Family love is given so easily, we see our family every day and that makes it simple. With our friends we only talk every now and then. We may only get to see each other once in a while, but to know that we still make time to love them even when we can't be closer is at least some what consoling tonight. So here is to love of friends near and far. Plus, here is to the sun coming to banish all my doubts and fears.
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