Wednesday finds me struggling again, wondering will the struggle ever end? I know that in my life I am missing a few things, one of which is church but every time I plan to go back I go into almost panic mode. I am not ready and I know this upsets Jami greatly but I am doing the best I can. I am not sure if that makes me sad or just blah. Oh, yeah, the blahs have set in badly. I don't know how to snap out of them no matter how hard I try.
I feel out of sorts again, I would have thought, in fact I did think that I was done with the ups and downs of the amnesia episode but I'm not..... Maybe if the memories had come back I would be but since that has not happened I can only do as I have been doing, going day by day. Sometimes just hour by hour is the hardest struggle. Nights like tonight it is really "Oh No! I think I missed a step again".. something is not there that I feel should be.. something is missing or just off. I feel like I don't know if I should go right or left. I feel like any decision I make will be a mistake so I sit back and do nothing. By doing nothing I get aggravated since I would rather be busy any day, I hate to feel like I am twiddling my thumbs....
On to my forgotten love..... I have a friend that I have known for around 12 years... that I lost in October, not as in dead as in I don't remember him at all. I have spoken to him weekly and my heart knows him *if that makes any sense* but my mind is blank. Over the last couple months we have built a rapport, I am so at ease with speaking to him. I can't help but feel like something is missing... my heart breaks every time I talk to him. I know that we had a past relationship that made it to a life long friendship, I know this because I have been told by others and my heart confirms it to me but in my head there is nothing. I can't begin to explain how screwed up that can make you if you think a lot over nothing like I do.
The what if's have been kicking my ass again in all area's and in this one doubly so. I have been meaning to call up Paul for over a week now and ask straight out. I finally did today. The question that stumped me badly, the one I was terrified earlier to give utterance, the BIG one (for me at least): "Why bother?" I guess I needed reassuring from all angles ... I had to know. He said what I needed to hear tho and that makes me feel so much better. I am terrified honestly, that since I woke up I am a different person, I am not who I was before October, I am not so vastly different but I damn sure am not the same. What if (yeah yeah the dreaded what if's) he could not love the person I am now? He said that he loves me no matter, yes this is a fucked up situation but when we got matching tattoo's and agreed to be friends forever we never got a iron clad promise that things would not get fucked up. He went on to say that I could not get rid of him even if I tried.. not that I have but ... as with my other close and much needed friends I was worried they would get tired of having to put me back together, to some extent I am still worried over that even tonight. What if I can't find it in me to love who he is? That one I already have the answer to, thank god!, I do know I love him even if I don't remember. I am more over grateful that emotions do not rely on logic!
Honestly tho the "What If's" can run rampant on me, and knowing this does now give me the knowledge on how to defy or defeat them. I am at a low tonight that Jay is blaming on hormones and he may be right. Even if it is, that does not change the fact that I am blah and blue. I did a great dinner for the family, and I have retreated to my bed with my music on an MP3, doing my damnest to block it all out for a while.
In a world we are all busy and crazy hectic, it never fails to amaze me that we find time to love our friends. Family love is given so easily, we see our family every day and that makes it simple. With our friends we only talk every now and then. We may only get to see each other once in a while, but to know that we still make time to love them even when we can't be closer is at least some what consoling tonight. So here is to love of friends near and far. Plus, here is to the sun coming to banish all my doubts and fears.