Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Finding confidence ....

Hit kind of a low again yesterday, was partly because I did not sleep well the night before and more over because I am still in the process of but that is Okay today.
 So we live and learn..... sometimes the road ahead means you have to back up a bit to correct something to move forward. So that is what I did, I had a conversation with Jay on Sunday of the last week and I felt so much better, but all he got from it was I was bitching at him. That was not the way I saw it, I was speaking but ummm so he got the bitching and decided why bother to do anything basically since all I would do is fuss. I had to explain to him that I was not fussing I was speaking to the ADULT in my life. That went well and we are better, well, I feel better today.
 Jay made an interesting point that I must take time consider: I have cut every other adult out of my life thus far. I have no urge to see or deal with my siblings or parents. While this is just so odd, and mind-blowing to Jay, for me it makes sense in a way. To my heart I only left home 8 months or so ago and HELL NO I am not ready to get involved in that again. My siblings, and parents are wonderful and I love them dearly but it has always been "Let Joni, or Joni can or Joni this, that and the other". Right now it is all I can do to handle me so I am putting me first much as that is killing Jay and my family.
 I was so blue and wound up in myself yesterday and I was angry with Jay and everything. I ask Jay if all we are is "Mom" and "Dad". His answer was yes for the next 12 years... my reply is that is not enough. He was confused but here is the explanation " I can be a fantastic mother, friend, wife, sister, so forth but I am more than just those titles". Basically I wanted him to see that I was more and that he HAS to be more for me than just the father of my children. I refuse to stay locked in a marriage where I am just the non-paid maid, and I told him if that is all he wants "go hire a maid your life will be easier since she will not bitch at you when  you fuck up". I think he understood, time will tell. 
 I am not running which for me is amazing since I don't really see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. I was so low on self esteem yesterday. I just felt trapped and bruised. I am better today and I am now ready to make a game plan for a smoother time in the future. I am not running, we have to much time and love invested to give up now. Something must have been there to keep me here for over 14 years. Now my job is to find that something again, even if I have to tear down the walls and destroy everything in my path. Today I find that I can do this. 

"I didnt think to bring a wash cloth
And rub away the dirt
Myself and I we share
This barely beating heart of hurt

... And when the hurt comes theres an argument,
A fight to save a smile
A small attack on human tears
To dry them for a while

A dream we all should count on ;
Yeah a vision I believe
Where confidence is found
Attached to wires on our sleeve

Where loneliness is history
Told to pack his shit and leave
Where guidance is a fortune
Told to help in time of need

And where crying isn't secret
It's the art of how we grieve
And lessons are the key
To every goal I will acheive
I will achieve."

~drilled a wire through my cheek~ Blue October

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