Have not blogged in a while, I had much to say but did not know how. I dug myself a hole, a BIG, deep, dark, scary hole. One in which I did not know how to get out of, in which I was running out of options fast. I had tried all I knew to do, just short of leaving the family I have or killing myself. I was at my wits end. I had reached out to Jay repeatedly and got rebuffed repeatedly, and harshly I might add. When that failed I fell back to being a sarcastic little bitch, I was horrible I will admit that but when you beg and plead for attention only to be ignored you will do all you can do to get them to wake up so... not an excuse, just an explanation.
Jay tells me that we did not fight, we would disagree but not have a full out and out fight. He tells me that we would discuss it and agree or agree to disagree. That who ever felt the strongest about what ever the issue was, we would do it their way. I am not at spot, I don't know if I ever will be again. I am at the point where you will hear my opinion even if you come out in "cut throat" mode, yeah I may still end up as the one who is crying in the end but you will know how I feel.
Jay tells me that was the hardest thing to get used to again. I feel sorry for them, and for myself. I ask Jay if he ever thought that I would leave, if I could not deal with the life I woke to... his said "No, I know what we have and we cherish you enough we would change and do what ever it takes to keep you here with us." So then came the bomb shell to be dropped at his feet. I was honestly sad that I had to tell him this but ...
"Honey, you say you are willing to change the whole world we have for me to be happy, then in the next breathe you tell me you are old and set in your ways. This is what I see, I reached for you and ask and begged and pleaded and got rebuffed, it was talk to me tonight and show me you care and that you are willing to change or I will leave. I am going right back to where I was and I don't want to be that woman again. I woke up to a man that my heart knows but is so different from the young man I married. I woke up to being a totally different woman. Tell me this .... let me take you and drop you in a place and take all of your memories away, let me take away WHO you are.... and then tell you to just "deal" with it.. how would you do that with out going insane or leaving or killing yourself?" I am sad to say he had no answer. I do have an answer tho, you adapt or die.
You come to the conclusion fast that we are all just works in progress that we are not perfect, and we are a hell of a long way from being done. You see the good and rejoice, you accept the bad and try to move on. You change what you can to make it better and life goes on.
So tonight we find ourselves at a change again, I am not who I was over 2 months ago and I am not who I was even 1 month ago. Tonight I find I am not even who I was this morning.... I am not scared thank god. I am more settled and I am relieved. I ask that my husband, my love, the one I will be with till death or God decides it is not to be any more, to be more flexible. I am not super woman. I refuse to put everyone before myself again. I have to look out for me while I look out for everyone else, and sometimes I need help. I am not full of pride, I will and have ask, begged, even pleaded... I can't be ignored. Jay tells me that we are forever, and last week I did not feel that at all. Last week I felt that I was at the end of my rope and I was fresh out of knots to hang on to. I did not bring it up with Jay before since I felt ignored and I was honestly scared of his reaction. What if the only thing I have known to be stable in the last 2 months was tired of me and ready to give up? Again it was the case of the "what if's" kicking my ass hard! So hard to the point I did not blog, I did not talk to anyone, not friends, not family, no one, I did exactly what I had to do to get from the start of my day to the end of my day. Tonight was talk or walk that was the choice I had to make.
So T kept my kids for me, Jay and I took a drive and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and my god that is what we needed. I needed to hear I was loved, he was not tired and we are forever. I needed to know that he would try but not to expect miracles, and I don't. I needed to feel my stability back. I felt like I had struggled so hard (Jay tells me I try to hard but I don't know how to fix that.. another one of those things that are works in the progress) and made it to my feet but my knees were still trembling. I felt I was going to fall all over again if I had to go with this alone much longer, and I was afraid that this time when I fell I would not ever get up again. Sad I know but that is where I was at.
I am glad I am better, and relieved. I am glad I can look at tomorrow with a smile and ready to start a new week. I am glad I learned more about myself, again, tonight and more about the person I love, the man I married. So we are not finished, and we are not perfect... so we are all just works in the progress of, tonight I can accept that with a smile. I am so glad that I decided not to surrender. I can and do accept that I need to be put back together every now and then, we all do. I am just glad I feel better :)
I am ready for tomorrow, since I think that each day we start fresh, we start new with a chance to make it better. For the first time in a while now I am content and that is just such a nice feeling.