Monday, January 23, 2012

It's not enough ....No rewind button

So I can't sleep and it is almost dawn. I decided I needed to write it out and to see if it will be less threatening out loud.
  So what do you do when all you have is not enough? I am not obsessing here, I promise. I am not over thinking here, I swear. The question is valid. I am more than just any single one of the hats I wear on a daily basis, according to everyone that knows me swear I wear less hats now than I did in October, and none or all or any of them are enough. Is it wrong for me to feel like it is not enough? Is it wrong to want more or maybe less of what you are dealing with?  Is it wrong to want to have a friend that you can really call up at 2am to help you unravel your latest hangup even when you are in your 30's and have insomnia? Is it wrong to be ready to give up even after you just woke up so to speak?
 So you give up fighting to go to sleep and you deal. You catch up on some reading, blog, decide that brownies after midnight are never a good idea (heartburn sucks), you give up on rebelling about wearing your glasses in bed and put the damn things back on so you can see what the hell the words you are typing really look like. 
 I have tried talking to Jay and all he gets is "Oh no Joni is bitching at me again" and that was so NOT my intention at all. So now I have it all bottled and it is about to roll out in spades! I feel like I have whined to all my friends, the ones I kept in the loop, so much how could I possibly dump the "I am thinking about divorce" on them... or the fact that I am still a wreck. I have locked out a lot of others in my life, mostly family, because I just can't deal with them. Sounds harsh, selfish, and all kinds of self-serving but that is what it is. That is how I feel, I can't deal *shrugs*. 
 Played a game with the boys Saturday called "Tekken". They begged, said I loved it and was good at it.....MISTAKE. Ok so yeah I tried, and was great with it in the begining but it was a team battle, basically you pick 8 charters and go after the other guys 8 charters. By the time I got done I was so tense I could not think straight.... so I go out to the store, oh god, another big mistake! Don't ask me why but it was and made me more tense and anxious. 
 Ohh hell, maybe it is hormones, maybe it is the weather, I wish I knew. I have spent Sunday in bed because I felt so bad. Just, achy, bloated, and just ugh. Yeah I know it is never a good idea to lay around for a whole day but that is all I felt like doing... I did do 5 loads of laundry, found my bed, and stayed in it all day. Jay took the kids out trying to be nice but in the hour and a half he was gone I took care of 4 phone calls and 2 visitors! Even when they are not with me I have no down time I am always busy. I so need to work on that!
   I have decided that life needs a rewind button like streaming movies. We all need a way to back up and do it over. We need a way to reset the score. WHAT?! You did not know? or You were not brave enough to say it? Well Kido's in the cold morning light let me tell you we all keep score, men and women... we just keep it differently. Men are so fast to give themselves BIG points for doing nothing..really they do. He gets up to goes to work, he gets GREAT bonus points.... Ladies get up tend to the kids all day, and get 1 point, and in turn ladies give him 1 point. So by the end of the day he is way up on points and feels fine vegging out in front of the technological device to give us time to "catch up". Wrong, yeah I know, and ya know what I agree it is wrong, but is that the way it is? OH yeah!  
  So... where does after 8 am find me? Tired but not sleepy, looking at a long day but not daunted. As 8 rounds the corner to 9 am I am just sitting still and trying to remember to breathe.

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