Saturday, December 31, 2011


Tonight finds us at the end of a year, of which I only remember the last 2 months.  I can look back and see how far I have come in the years that I don't remember as well as in the last couple months that I do remember. 
 Tonight finds me sad, for a few reasons. Tonight finds me feeling like an epic failure on many levels. Tonight finds me hoping for a new outlook that comes with the new year tomorrow with the sun, or tonight with the turn of the clock from 2011 to 2012.  Tonight finds me wanting to say goodbye to a lot of things, not all bad but then again not all good either. Tonight finds me hating the night on a new level of hate, one I had yet to reach but here it is. 
 I don't mean to be so dreary but I can't  seem to find it in me to care or to smile.. honestly Fuck this... I am glad that this year has ended and that a new one is to begin. 
 Tonight finds me tired on more than a physical level. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired honestly. I am physically tired since it was not a great night last night but that is just about what I would call normal now. I am mentally exhausted trying to balance what I need to be against, not with, what I am. My heart is tired of trying to hard to be what I need to be but I am lacking severely in more ways than one. My brain hurts from juggling so much, and dealing with so much. I am tired of being told not to be so rude, when sometimes rude is the only thing that works... I am tired of being told how I was verses how I am... Trust me by now I get it.... I wish everyone could just shut up. OH and that is another thing! I am tired of being told to "shut up"... If I hear that one more time I will scream then leave. I am tired of screaming to be heard too. It really blows when you have to be LOUD and RUDE to be heard and noticed. "What?! O.O OMG she has something to say!?!" DUUUUUUUHHHHHH! *sigh* (shakes head) 
 Tonight brings a new understanding of why people with amnesia commit suicide or leave the families they wake up to. Neither one of those are an options I am entertaining, don't worry my friends, but I do completely understand them tonight. 
 Tonight finds me saying Thank God that this year is over and that maybe come tomorrow we will start anew. With fresh eyes, better compassion, more understanding and if not sympathy then empathy, you can't be where I am but you can feel for me through my words. 
So... Goodbye 2011.  

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