Saturday, June 9, 2012

breaking heart, fragments of memories

My sister of the heart, the sister God did not give me by blood, my best friend's father is dying.... we have moved to the keep him comfy death watch. It breaks my heart. 
 I was talking to her today and she told me that with the way her bills and life are that she could not go to the hospital .... I called Jay crying and he took me to her with the money she needed. I love her and would do anything for her just as I would my blood siblings. 
 One of the hardest things about getting past amnesia is the heart knows even when the mind refuses to bare it out. When it is a happy emotion with the heart then you go "great!" and move one. But when it is sad or scary then you don't have the experience to fall back on, you don't know what you did to move past the way you feel. I get confused then angry since I thought after 7 months I had handled all the hurtles that could come up but I walked in that hospital room tonight and got hit with a flash of my father in law in bed in a coma. Just a flash that fragmented and washed away. My heart sank... and is still low. 
 I know I was my father in law's full time caregiver for 2 years day in and out. I know that he became my best friend and that I was with him alone the day he left us... I know this because I was told. what I do not know is what I did next....I feel like he left us just yesterday even tho it has been 10 years this December. My heart hurts. 
 I want to scream "God how much MORE must I take? Give my memories back or keep them for good but stop tormenting me please God..." I keep praying they will call come back tho I am not holding out much hope in that happening. I guess we will have to just take a deep breathe and wait to see. 
 Also today my darling oldest child broke my heart but not on purpose. She ask me if she could tell me what was bothering her about the baby that is on the way. I said of course! I wanted to know. "Mom I am afraid that you will love my new brother or sister more than you do us since you don't remember us"... *sobs* So I explained to her the same way I did above "the heart knows even when the mind does not want to bare it out". I told my darling children that the minute I looked at them after waking I KNEW that I loved them so very much, I knew I would die for them and I would kill to keep them safe. I will not love the new baby more I can't love any child more than I love the 3 here with me NOW ... I think she understands. Still broke my heart that she would think and feel that way. I guess that is another draw back of amnesia...
 So here we sit at 3am via internet with the friend still at the hospital. Thank god for the technology to be about to that! Can't be there in person then at least we can chat via instant message. Plus it is nice if you can't sleep at least you can go online and entertain yourself. 
 I have no idea how to close this other than to say more to come later ....

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