Letting Go...

So, I got hit with some pretty deep depression. I am the kind of person, after having grown up with several bi-polar members in the house, I refuse to take anything that will alter my mood or mental state. IE I will not take anti-depressants. When I got really low and scared I reached out to one of the few friends that I have not cut out of my life since I woke up in October. Needless to say I did not find what I needed with this person. (Not a slap at this person just they could not give me the kind of support I need.)
 I got hit with a new kind of migraine Monday morning, an  Optical Migraine, which took away my ability to see. I did the whole neurologist thing again my brain is fine still, got treatment and got my sight back thank god. I was not scared when I lost my vision, I was calm which amazed me. Now that I can see again, I started seeing things in a new light and I started seeing a therapist. 
 I have now learned that I have to let go of the past, more over the parts and people that I remember. That for me, after everything, is hard. The people I remember are not the same. I am not the same. I went to the ones that I knew from before, the ones that I love dearly and was shocked at the responses. I have learned that I have lost the changes from experience personally they have not. I am left with the choice to let them go or to relearn who they are now. This includes my husband, siblings, and friends. 
 I am more relaxed and centered today than I have been in months and that is a nice thing. I do not know what the future brings. I do not know if the ones who are in my life will stay or if they will go but .... Today I am ok with that. 

I am not one of our children and here we go again...

We arrive at that point again... with Jay and I, with the kids with it all.
 Since about a month after I woke up I noticed that Jay talks to me as he does the children. I HATE THAT! I handle a ton on daily basis and make split second decisions often. I am confident that I can handle everything but life and death situations which makes me even more angry that he speaks to me the way he does. What is worse I have no idea how to deal with it. I have ask him, pointed it out, even yelled at him about it and NOTHING...
I have no idea what to do with this situation.  So I fall back on ignoring it when possible and yelling when all else fails. 
 I have a new ... not problem but interesting situation my 9 year old is having night terrors. This just started and is very out of charter for him. We have tried all I can think of to do with and for him. Praying, staying with him, letting him sleep on the couch so on and so forth. Nothing seems to be working. Today I went out and got him a touch light for the "no see-em's" . This is a light that comes on or goes off with a touch. I am hoping this will work.
 Last night was not stellar at best. I got to sleep but could not stay asleep. Lots of tossing and turning. Then lots of up and downs. Got up early, made it to the bank and the store. I am still somewhat scared of triggering another migraine so  I am being careful. 
 Today holds not to much, rest, and regrouping from a what the hell week.. and hiding from the kids as much as I can. 
Happy Saturday everyone.

Ouch my head

Been a while since I posted, things are better in the stress area, not the insomnia but given time all things will work out I am sure.
 I got hit with a migraine Tuesday and it has had me bed bound in a dark room for 2 days. I feel guilty since I have not been able to do anything but the bare necessities to keep us going. Jay told me yesterday at lunch when it got bad to refill my migraine medicine so I called that in, by 3 today the pharmacy had not heard from my doctor. I was not complaining but being patient, Jay however is terrified that if I get to much pain I will lose my memories again. From my homework I know that is it way more likely for me to have it happen again than for any one else to ever have it happen, that however does not scare me since the worse that can happen is I have to relive the last few months. I went back to my happiest time in life *shrugs* I don't know but I am just not as scared. Jay knows me so well now that he when he does ask how I feel he can tell when I lie, which I do often, no, NOT proud of that but when you hurt a lot there is no point in complaining. He says he can tell just by the tone I use to answer even innocent questions... I do love this man. So, long story short he called the doctors office. On a good note they got my meds called in with in 30 minutes on a bad note they informed him he needs to come in with me and sign a release form to make medical decision and have information released to him. So I will take care of that tomorrow along with a few other chores that I could not handle earlier this week. I can fully understand a doctor's office taking 24 hours to review refills but more than that I wonder, especially since this is the second time this has happened. Worry for another day, since right now  I am medicated and Jay was POLITE, and really, come on, it does feel great to have him be protective over me!
 I am not in a bad place and that is nice. I am medicated but I do not have the medicated head that comes with heavy drugs. For the first time in a long time since I have woke up I do not hurt! at all, my fibromyalgia is not acting up and I bet it is the medication I take for my headache, this is nice.
 So I am going over the 4000000 movies of nothing I want to watch and nothing boring enough to put me out, then I thought, let's just blog to pust it out of my head. I was going over some of my Alice blogs, I love them but I find it hard to believe that I wrote them. I want to do another one but I am afraid that it will not be as good as the others, or will not tie in the same way or .... I am just scared that I will not be able to connect to that again... I guess I will have to try and find out. Then I will get feedback from my sister of the heart, and my stalker *grins*.
 I was thinking not everyone gets to take the mistakes they made over the span of a decade and a half, just erase them to start over for themselves. I did get that chance, I am not sure if I will make the same mistakes or all new ones. I am not sure what 15 years from now will find me as or doing or anything, but in the dark of night, for the first time in a long time I am ok with that. I know this is not the be all end all "wow" so to speak, I will have bad days, I will get stressed out, I will think "WTF?!?!" but at least for now I do not feel as daunted as I have in the past.....