I find myself in that horrible, disillusioned place once again. I hate my bedroom, since it is a living/den/bedroom all in one.....
I have a window sill that we made into a shelf for my tv, needless to say this did not work out so well, so the shelf became the Ninja kitty's favorite bed. Jay decided 3 days ago to move his stuff to the shelf along with my jewelry box and what not else. I warned him at the time that the Ninja kitty would knock it down but I know nothing ....
I soon got busy and honestly forgot about my box being on it until this morning and true to form the Ninja kitty jumped up there and my box went flying... I am still digging rings and tie tacks out from under my bed. I decided to clean the shelf back off and move our stuff to the bookshelf that lives by my bed that did nothing more than collect dust. In the process of cleaning and rearranging I find that I am in that place once again.
The damn it all to hell place where I don't know what I should put where or how. I want to spring clean our clothes but I have no idea what I will wear in the winter come the end of summer this year. I have no idea what falls to Jay's favorites and so forth. I am frustrated and tired. I am hating this room with a worse passion than I have felt since waking up.
I will admit something else here since I can. I hate the way Jay speaks to me on what ever I do. Nothing is ever "good enough" it is always, always, Always!, "well that is good but now do this or that or whatever". Take for example, the kids and I cleaned out the pool for them yesterday. Took 4 hours in the heat, we got it 98% done, I was not and am not worried about the last little bit since kids feet, bleach, and the filter will deal with it. I told the kids I was proud of them and good job! Jay comes in and goes "Good now get "this" brush re-scrub the bottom and add bleach". I could have beaten him black and blue. Within the last 2 weeks I have stopped asking him at all what he thinks about anything. I find that he can't do constructive criticism and I can't deal with his comments. That really sucks since he is the one I would expect the most support from. I have found there is no " WOW" factor any more for him. Nothing I do is surprising or good enough, I have not stopped trying yet, for when I do what I do, it is done for MY satisfaction but I did stop to wonder... Is this (his reaction) what lead me to stop trying before I woke up? Was he a major player in the role I had taken on to just go day to day and be mundane?
I find that I am not having a great week this week with my FM. I expected all my activity to catch up to me and it did. I am tired since I have woke every night for the last several between 2 and 3am... I hurt from bottom to top, not bad, not a screaming I can't deal pain but a deep dull ache, my everything aches. I want to cry so I guess I am hormonal it is about time again....
Just Damn It All! I'm in that place once again and I hate it. I have no idea how to change it or make it better *sigh* today is just an icky day.
Showing posts with label Jay. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jay. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
"Please help me understand......" NOT kid friendly
So, I was on it last night and I am still on it today. I worked hard and got no help... I have come to expect that in the last 4 months. I love Jay dearly but he is not constructive criticizer. I would have to say he is more just rude and that does not help my self-esteem at all.
Which has lead me to this "Please help me understand why you can't talk man to man? but you can stand with you dick in your hand, your acting like a pussy man!" It fits weirdly enough. He is my love, my husband, but not what I would call my best friend. I talk person to person with my best friends. We don't have to hide things or faces or sides, we are just who we are... I think we should have that in our marriages but sadly that does not happen often. You put aside a lot for love and over look more for love. I know that it is this way since we don't live with our best friends so we can afford to be who we are... but if you live with some one then it all changes.
With Jay sometimes I want to scream at him to stop being a pussy and hurting my feelings just to shut me .... Oh yeah I caught on to that last night the only reason he says the things he says they way he says the is to hurt me and shut me up. Does it work? Yeah sadly enough. It works that way because I feel like I have done nothing but fight with him and the way things are since I woke up and I am tried of fighting. I am tired of the children seeing me spaz out over the way things are since to them this is the way it has always been. Will we be having another come to Jesus, call to the carpet meeting soon? yes .... will it change things? Sure for a hot minute or two. Will it be enough? Yes, for a minute or two :) I can live with that...
I just really wish sometimes he would Please help me understand.... I am not in a bad mood, I am not stressed for once, I am not to tired, I am achy a little but not to bad.. I am not in a bad place at all. :)
Which has lead me to this "Please help me understand why you can't talk man to man? but you can stand with you dick in your hand, your acting like a pussy man!" It fits weirdly enough. He is my love, my husband, but not what I would call my best friend. I talk person to person with my best friends. We don't have to hide things or faces or sides, we are just who we are... I think we should have that in our marriages but sadly that does not happen often. You put aside a lot for love and over look more for love. I know that it is this way since we don't live with our best friends so we can afford to be who we are... but if you live with some one then it all changes.
With Jay sometimes I want to scream at him to stop being a pussy and hurting my feelings just to shut me .... Oh yeah I caught on to that last night the only reason he says the things he says they way he says the is to hurt me and shut me up. Does it work? Yeah sadly enough. It works that way because I feel like I have done nothing but fight with him and the way things are since I woke up and I am tried of fighting. I am tired of the children seeing me spaz out over the way things are since to them this is the way it has always been. Will we be having another come to Jesus, call to the carpet meeting soon? yes .... will it change things? Sure for a hot minute or two. Will it be enough? Yes, for a minute or two :) I can live with that...
I just really wish sometimes he would Please help me understand.... I am not in a bad mood, I am not stressed for once, I am not to tired, I am achy a little but not to bad.. I am not in a bad place at all. :)
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Still Busy, Puppies soon, and Cancer..
Wow, crazy here let's loop ourselves back in. Tammie had surgery Monday and came out fine! She came home yesterday and it okay. I spent Monday doing running with the hospital and things. Got home Monday afternoon to find the dumb dog of my daughter's ready to have her babies, thank go that was a false labor but it did get my butt in gear to get the things ready for them... So off to the store I go to get what I need... I called home to ask Jay a question got hung up on he was way cranky... got home to find Jay and the mother in law in the yard.
Jay's family and my family are close to say the least.... My father grew up with Jay's mother and brother... I grew up calling them aunt and uncle. Well, Jay uncle had a spot on his lung they found 4 months ago. Had it checked (4 months later! this was last Friday). At the time they found it they told him it was MILD COPD, and to quit smoking... they did the test thingy and lung ct Friday, got the results Monday. I knew all this, I was expecting something non-fatal, I mean come on ONE spot?!?! how could it be that bad? My mother in law was in tears, and I still tune up when I think of the results, the doctor has given him 6 months (best case) to live, the lung that had the one spot 4 months ago is completely eaten up with cancer. He is younger than my father and I used to spend every weekend during hunting season with him... 6 months?!?! On top of nothing can be done. They will do the radiation but that is just to kill what is there, and he was told to get his affairs in order. I am not sure at this point I have my brain around it. Of course the first thing I did was call my brother to tell him that I love him and just so he could cheer me up some.. oh and to tell him to get in touch with Daddy because I knew our Father would need him.
Uncle Jeff was told to stop working and so on so forth, he refuses. His exact words were "the doctors don't know shit" well, OK then.... I say if he really does only have a few months left then let him be happy. Damn the cost to our own peace of mind, if working does it, if being on the volunteer fire-dept. does it then so be it! I want to go see him and hug him but right now he is in denial and until he accepts this for what it is I can't go to him, and that I guess is ok too..... I will do as I have been doing and just pray.
So over the last weekend we renovated the kitchen and since it has been so hectic we are still in the process of putting it back together.. fun, fun, fun.
Plus this last week I have not gotten much sleep, between the dumb fat prego dog, and Jesse having night terrors I am wiped. I don't know what do to for Jesse. I know that as a child around his age I had nightmares too that were horrible, but I had way more awful images in my head than he does and I shared a bed with my big sister so I was never alone!.... I will have to work on something tho, I hate the thought of him being alone and scared even if I am only a couple rooms away. Maybe a touch lamp or something, I don't know but ... OH! and Jay is so bad at this stuff! He yelled at my son last night! I could have freaking killed Jay. I swear Jay does not remember what it was like to be a little guy and be scared. He acts like his father, who was a very loving man but not compassionate at all. I know it is hard to go over and over the same ground with a 9 year old, I know it is not easy to repeat yourself since, I mean, Hey come on you are the adult tell you once and you got it but, give up he is a little boy. So I spent half the night with Jess then came to bed and did not say a word to Jay and I have not talked to him today either I am still mad at him. MEN!!
I think that rounds out this last week more to come I am sure... but this is my brain drain for the week. I will leave you with AWOLNATION "Kill Your Heros"...
Jay's family and my family are close to say the least.... My father grew up with Jay's mother and brother... I grew up calling them aunt and uncle. Well, Jay uncle had a spot on his lung they found 4 months ago. Had it checked (4 months later! this was last Friday). At the time they found it they told him it was MILD COPD, and to quit smoking... they did the test thingy and lung ct Friday, got the results Monday. I knew all this, I was expecting something non-fatal, I mean come on ONE spot?!?! how could it be that bad? My mother in law was in tears, and I still tune up when I think of the results, the doctor has given him 6 months (best case) to live, the lung that had the one spot 4 months ago is completely eaten up with cancer. He is younger than my father and I used to spend every weekend during hunting season with him... 6 months?!?! On top of nothing can be done. They will do the radiation but that is just to kill what is there, and he was told to get his affairs in order. I am not sure at this point I have my brain around it. Of course the first thing I did was call my brother to tell him that I love him and just so he could cheer me up some.. oh and to tell him to get in touch with Daddy because I knew our Father would need him.
Uncle Jeff was told to stop working and so on so forth, he refuses. His exact words were "the doctors don't know shit" well, OK then.... I say if he really does only have a few months left then let him be happy. Damn the cost to our own peace of mind, if working does it, if being on the volunteer fire-dept. does it then so be it! I want to go see him and hug him but right now he is in denial and until he accepts this for what it is I can't go to him, and that I guess is ok too..... I will do as I have been doing and just pray.
So over the last weekend we renovated the kitchen and since it has been so hectic we are still in the process of putting it back together.. fun, fun, fun.
Plus this last week I have not gotten much sleep, between the dumb fat prego dog, and Jesse having night terrors I am wiped. I don't know what do to for Jesse. I know that as a child around his age I had nightmares too that were horrible, but I had way more awful images in my head than he does and I shared a bed with my big sister so I was never alone!.... I will have to work on something tho, I hate the thought of him being alone and scared even if I am only a couple rooms away. Maybe a touch lamp or something, I don't know but ... OH! and Jay is so bad at this stuff! He yelled at my son last night! I could have freaking killed Jay. I swear Jay does not remember what it was like to be a little guy and be scared. He acts like his father, who was a very loving man but not compassionate at all. I know it is hard to go over and over the same ground with a 9 year old, I know it is not easy to repeat yourself since, I mean, Hey come on you are the adult tell you once and you got it but, give up he is a little boy. So I spent half the night with Jess then came to bed and did not say a word to Jay and I have not talked to him today either I am still mad at him. MEN!!
I think that rounds out this last week more to come I am sure... but this is my brain drain for the week. I will leave you with AWOLNATION "Kill Your Heros"...
Saturday, February 4, 2012
I am not one of our children and here we go again...
We arrive at that point again... with Jay and I, with the kids with it all.
Since about a month after I woke up I noticed that Jay talks to me as he does the children. I HATE THAT! I handle a ton on daily basis and make split second decisions often. I am confident that I can handle everything but life and death situations which makes me even more angry that he speaks to me the way he does. What is worse I have no idea how to deal with it. I have ask him, pointed it out, even yelled at him about it and NOTHING...
I have no idea what to do with this situation. So I fall back on ignoring it when possible and yelling when all else fails.
I have a new ... not problem but interesting situation my 9 year old is having night terrors. This just started and is very out of charter for him. We have tried all I can think of to do with and for him. Praying, staying with him, letting him sleep on the couch so on and so forth. Nothing seems to be working. Today I went out and got him a touch light for the "no see-em's" . This is a light that comes on or goes off with a touch. I am hoping this will work.
Last night was not stellar at best. I got to sleep but could not stay asleep. Lots of tossing and turning. Then lots of up and downs. Got up early, made it to the bank and the store. I am still somewhat scared of triggering another migraine so I am being careful.
Today holds not to much, rest, and regrouping from a what the hell week.. and hiding from the kids as much as I can.
Happy Saturday everyone.
Since about a month after I woke up I noticed that Jay talks to me as he does the children. I HATE THAT! I handle a ton on daily basis and make split second decisions often. I am confident that I can handle everything but life and death situations which makes me even more angry that he speaks to me the way he does. What is worse I have no idea how to deal with it. I have ask him, pointed it out, even yelled at him about it and NOTHING...
I have no idea what to do with this situation. So I fall back on ignoring it when possible and yelling when all else fails.
I have a new ... not problem but interesting situation my 9 year old is having night terrors. This just started and is very out of charter for him. We have tried all I can think of to do with and for him. Praying, staying with him, letting him sleep on the couch so on and so forth. Nothing seems to be working. Today I went out and got him a touch light for the "no see-em's" . This is a light that comes on or goes off with a touch. I am hoping this will work.
Last night was not stellar at best. I got to sleep but could not stay asleep. Lots of tossing and turning. Then lots of up and downs. Got up early, made it to the bank and the store. I am still somewhat scared of triggering another migraine so I am being careful.
Today holds not to much, rest, and regrouping from a what the hell week.. and hiding from the kids as much as I can.
Happy Saturday everyone.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Ouch my head
Been a while since I posted, things are better in the stress area, not the insomnia but given time all things will work out I am sure.
I got hit with a migraine Tuesday and it has had me bed bound in a dark room for 2 days. I feel guilty since I have not been able to do anything but the bare necessities to keep us going. Jay told me yesterday at lunch when it got bad to refill my migraine medicine so I called that in, by 3 today the pharmacy had not heard from my doctor. I was not complaining but being patient, Jay however is terrified that if I get to much pain I will lose my memories again. From my homework I know that is it way more likely for me to have it happen again than for any one else to ever have it happen, that however does not scare me since the worse that can happen is I have to relive the last few months. I went back to my happiest time in life *shrugs* I don't know but I am just not as scared. Jay knows me so well now that he when he does ask how I feel he can tell when I lie, which I do often, no, NOT proud of that but when you hurt a lot there is no point in complaining. He says he can tell just by the tone I use to answer even innocent questions... I do love this man. So, long story short he called the doctors office. On a good note they got my meds called in with in 30 minutes on a bad note they informed him he needs to come in with me and sign a release form to make medical decision and have information released to him. So I will take care of that tomorrow along with a few other chores that I could not handle earlier this week. I can fully understand a doctor's office taking 24 hours to review refills but more than that I wonder, especially since this is the second time this has happened. Worry for another day, since right now I am medicated and Jay was POLITE, and really, come on, it does feel great to have him be protective over me!
I am not in a bad place and that is nice. I am medicated but I do not have the medicated head that comes with heavy drugs. For the first time in a long time since I have woke up I do not hurt! at all, my fibromyalgia is not acting up and I bet it is the medication I take for my headache, this is nice.
So I am going over the 4000000 movies of nothing I want to watch and nothing boring enough to put me out, then I thought, let's just blog to pust it out of my head. I was going over some of my Alice blogs, I love them but I find it hard to believe that I wrote them. I want to do another one but I am afraid that it will not be as good as the others, or will not tie in the same way or .... I am just scared that I will not be able to connect to that again... I guess I will have to try and find out. Then I will get feedback from my sister of the heart, and my stalker *grins*.
I was thinking not everyone gets to take the mistakes they made over the span of a decade and a half, just erase them to start over for themselves. I did get that chance, I am not sure if I will make the same mistakes or all new ones. I am not sure what 15 years from now will find me as or doing or anything, but in the dark of night, for the first time in a long time I am ok with that. I know this is not the be all end all "wow" so to speak, I will have bad days, I will get stressed out, I will think "WTF?!?!" but at least for now I do not feel as daunted as I have in the past.....
I got hit with a migraine Tuesday and it has had me bed bound in a dark room for 2 days. I feel guilty since I have not been able to do anything but the bare necessities to keep us going. Jay told me yesterday at lunch when it got bad to refill my migraine medicine so I called that in, by 3 today the pharmacy had not heard from my doctor. I was not complaining but being patient, Jay however is terrified that if I get to much pain I will lose my memories again. From my homework I know that is it way more likely for me to have it happen again than for any one else to ever have it happen, that however does not scare me since the worse that can happen is I have to relive the last few months. I went back to my happiest time in life *shrugs* I don't know but I am just not as scared. Jay knows me so well now that he when he does ask how I feel he can tell when I lie, which I do often, no, NOT proud of that but when you hurt a lot there is no point in complaining. He says he can tell just by the tone I use to answer even innocent questions... I do love this man. So, long story short he called the doctors office. On a good note they got my meds called in with in 30 minutes on a bad note they informed him he needs to come in with me and sign a release form to make medical decision and have information released to him. So I will take care of that tomorrow along with a few other chores that I could not handle earlier this week. I can fully understand a doctor's office taking 24 hours to review refills but more than that I wonder, especially since this is the second time this has happened. Worry for another day, since right now I am medicated and Jay was POLITE, and really, come on, it does feel great to have him be protective over me!
I am not in a bad place and that is nice. I am medicated but I do not have the medicated head that comes with heavy drugs. For the first time in a long time since I have woke up I do not hurt! at all, my fibromyalgia is not acting up and I bet it is the medication I take for my headache, this is nice.
So I am going over the 4000000 movies of nothing I want to watch and nothing boring enough to put me out, then I thought, let's just blog to pust it out of my head. I was going over some of my Alice blogs, I love them but I find it hard to believe that I wrote them. I want to do another one but I am afraid that it will not be as good as the others, or will not tie in the same way or .... I am just scared that I will not be able to connect to that again... I guess I will have to try and find out. Then I will get feedback from my sister of the heart, and my stalker *grins*.
I was thinking not everyone gets to take the mistakes they made over the span of a decade and a half, just erase them to start over for themselves. I did get that chance, I am not sure if I will make the same mistakes or all new ones. I am not sure what 15 years from now will find me as or doing or anything, but in the dark of night, for the first time in a long time I am ok with that. I know this is not the be all end all "wow" so to speak, I will have bad days, I will get stressed out, I will think "WTF?!?!" but at least for now I do not feel as daunted as I have in the past.....
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