So you come to the point in your life that you have to let go of things, people, the past. A point when you can't pretend any more, a spot where you have to figure out what you need for you in order to move on. I have decided that there is never a right time to say goodbye to a person you love dearly but that you should do it before they start hating you. You should do it before you say things to hurt them.
I know that this is not that person's fault but it is mine, I accept that, but that does not change the fact that for a week now this has needed to be done and I have put it off. There is never a right time. I am not the one to make snap decisions and after going over it all for a week, I have decided that I have to do this.
I am not who I was I accept that, they are not who I remember, I accept that too, but I hate the person they have become. I can't understand or deal with them the way they are now. So proud, self-centered, unbending, unable to see outside the box they are in, unsympathetic, with no empathy. I can't deal with that kind of person in my life right now, and tho I love them to death, I always will no matter what, it is better to say goodbye now than to have them hate me for what I have and am becoming.
It is hard to make this decision. I have spent many nights crying over it. I still feel that this is the best step for me since I can't ignore or overlook it any longer. I have been told since I woke up to start taking care of myself and looking out for myself, I guess that starts with removing all turmoil from my life and trying to find a new balance with what I have now.
I always thought friends were supposed to build you up even if they disagree with you. I always thought friends were supposed to love you and support you even when they would rather scream at you. I am that kind of friend..... I forgive shortcomings in others and if I need to point them out I do it in a way that is not making them feel like I kicked them below the belt... that is what I thought friends do. I think that you can be honest, and have to be honest with the friends you love, in a way that is supportive and comforting. Is it any less the truth when you say it in a loving, tactful way? NO. But the words you use have an impact on how it is received and they have an emotional impact if you use the wrong words or use the words in the wrong way.
Right now I am hurting over a love that I have grown apart from, a love that does not understand or does not want to understand me any more. A love that I can't understand any more... I hope the old adage that time heals all will work quickly for me. For the love I must step back from I am sorry, it is not you, it is me... you can't give me what I need and I have to figure out what I need before I can ask for it. What you do give me is confusion and heartache. I have had enough of that in the last 3 months that I can't deal with any more. I love you and I always will but for now this must be goodbye............
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Letting Go...
So, I got hit with some pretty deep depression. I am the kind of person, after having grown up with several bi-polar members in the house, I refuse to take anything that will alter my mood or mental state. IE I will not take anti-depressants. When I got really low and scared I reached out to one of the few friends that I have not cut out of my life since I woke up in October. Needless to say I did not find what I needed with this person. (Not a slap at this person just they could not give me the kind of support I need.)
I got hit with a new kind of migraine Monday morning, an Optical Migraine, which took away my ability to see. I did the whole neurologist thing again my brain is fine still, got treatment and got my sight back thank god. I was not scared when I lost my vision, I was calm which amazed me. Now that I can see again, I started seeing things in a new light and I started seeing a therapist.
I have now learned that I have to let go of the past, more over the parts and people that I remember. That for me, after everything, is hard. The people I remember are not the same. I am not the same. I went to the ones that I knew from before, the ones that I love dearly and was shocked at the responses. I have learned that I have lost the changes from experience personally they have not. I am left with the choice to let them go or to relearn who they are now. This includes my husband, siblings, and friends.
I am more relaxed and centered today than I have been in months and that is a nice thing. I do not know what the future brings. I do not know if the ones who are in my life will stay or if they will go but .... Today I am ok with that.
I got hit with a new kind of migraine Monday morning, an Optical Migraine, which took away my ability to see. I did the whole neurologist thing again my brain is fine still, got treatment and got my sight back thank god. I was not scared when I lost my vision, I was calm which amazed me. Now that I can see again, I started seeing things in a new light and I started seeing a therapist.
I have now learned that I have to let go of the past, more over the parts and people that I remember. That for me, after everything, is hard. The people I remember are not the same. I am not the same. I went to the ones that I knew from before, the ones that I love dearly and was shocked at the responses. I have learned that I have lost the changes from experience personally they have not. I am left with the choice to let them go or to relearn who they are now. This includes my husband, siblings, and friends.
I am more relaxed and centered today than I have been in months and that is a nice thing. I do not know what the future brings. I do not know if the ones who are in my life will stay or if they will go but .... Today I am ok with that.
Monday, January 23, 2012
It's not enough ....No rewind button
So I can't sleep and it is almost dawn. I decided I needed to write it out and to see if it will be less threatening out loud.
So what do you do when all you have is not enough? I am not obsessing here, I promise. I am not over thinking here, I swear. The question is valid. I am more than just any single one of the hats I wear on a daily basis, according to everyone that knows me swear I wear less hats now than I did in October, and none or all or any of them are enough. Is it wrong for me to feel like it is not enough? Is it wrong to want more or maybe less of what you are dealing with? Is it wrong to want to have a friend that you can really call up at 2am to help you unravel your latest hangup even when you are in your 30's and have insomnia? Is it wrong to be ready to give up even after you just woke up so to speak?
So you give up fighting to go to sleep and you deal. You catch up on some reading, blog, decide that brownies after midnight are never a good idea (heartburn sucks), you give up on rebelling about wearing your glasses in bed and put the damn things back on so you can see what the hell the words you are typing really look like.
I have tried talking to Jay and all he gets is "Oh no Joni is bitching at me again" and that was so NOT my intention at all. So now I have it all bottled and it is about to roll out in spades! I feel like I have whined to all my friends, the ones I kept in the loop, so much how could I possibly dump the "I am thinking about divorce" on them... or the fact that I am still a wreck. I have locked out a lot of others in my life, mostly family, because I just can't deal with them. Sounds harsh, selfish, and all kinds of self-serving but that is what it is. That is how I feel, I can't deal *shrugs*.
Played a game with the boys Saturday called "Tekken". They begged, said I loved it and was good at it.....MISTAKE. Ok so yeah I tried, and was great with it in the begining but it was a team battle, basically you pick 8 charters and go after the other guys 8 charters. By the time I got done I was so tense I could not think straight.... so I go out to the store, oh god, another big mistake! Don't ask me why but it was and made me more tense and anxious.
Ohh hell, maybe it is hormones, maybe it is the weather, I wish I knew. I have spent Sunday in bed because I felt so bad. Just, achy, bloated, and just ugh. Yeah I know it is never a good idea to lay around for a whole day but that is all I felt like doing... I did do 5 loads of laundry, found my bed, and stayed in it all day. Jay took the kids out trying to be nice but in the hour and a half he was gone I took care of 4 phone calls and 2 visitors! Even when they are not with me I have no down time I am always busy. I so need to work on that!
I have decided that life needs a rewind button like streaming movies. We all need a way to back up and do it over. We need a way to reset the score. WHAT?! You did not know? or You were not brave enough to say it? Well Kido's in the cold morning light let me tell you we all keep score, men and women... we just keep it differently. Men are so fast to give themselves BIG points for doing nothing..really they do. He gets up to goes to work, he gets GREAT bonus points.... Ladies get up tend to the kids all day, and get 1 point, and in turn ladies give him 1 point. So by the end of the day he is way up on points and feels fine vegging out in front of the technological device to give us time to "catch up". Wrong, yeah I know, and ya know what I agree it is wrong, but is that the way it is? OH yeah!
So... where does after 8 am find me? Tired but not sleepy, looking at a long day but not daunted. As 8 rounds the corner to 9 am I am just sitting still and trying to remember to breathe.
So what do you do when all you have is not enough? I am not obsessing here, I promise. I am not over thinking here, I swear. The question is valid. I am more than just any single one of the hats I wear on a daily basis, according to everyone that knows me swear I wear less hats now than I did in October, and none or all or any of them are enough. Is it wrong for me to feel like it is not enough? Is it wrong to want more or maybe less of what you are dealing with? Is it wrong to want to have a friend that you can really call up at 2am to help you unravel your latest hangup even when you are in your 30's and have insomnia? Is it wrong to be ready to give up even after you just woke up so to speak?
So you give up fighting to go to sleep and you deal. You catch up on some reading, blog, decide that brownies after midnight are never a good idea (heartburn sucks), you give up on rebelling about wearing your glasses in bed and put the damn things back on so you can see what the hell the words you are typing really look like.
I have tried talking to Jay and all he gets is "Oh no Joni is bitching at me again" and that was so NOT my intention at all. So now I have it all bottled and it is about to roll out in spades! I feel like I have whined to all my friends, the ones I kept in the loop, so much how could I possibly dump the "I am thinking about divorce" on them... or the fact that I am still a wreck. I have locked out a lot of others in my life, mostly family, because I just can't deal with them. Sounds harsh, selfish, and all kinds of self-serving but that is what it is. That is how I feel, I can't deal *shrugs*.
Played a game with the boys Saturday called "Tekken". They begged, said I loved it and was good at it.....MISTAKE. Ok so yeah I tried, and was great with it in the begining but it was a team battle, basically you pick 8 charters and go after the other guys 8 charters. By the time I got done I was so tense I could not think straight.... so I go out to the store, oh god, another big mistake! Don't ask me why but it was and made me more tense and anxious.
Ohh hell, maybe it is hormones, maybe it is the weather, I wish I knew. I have spent Sunday in bed because I felt so bad. Just, achy, bloated, and just ugh. Yeah I know it is never a good idea to lay around for a whole day but that is all I felt like doing... I did do 5 loads of laundry, found my bed, and stayed in it all day. Jay took the kids out trying to be nice but in the hour and a half he was gone I took care of 4 phone calls and 2 visitors! Even when they are not with me I have no down time I am always busy. I so need to work on that!
I have decided that life needs a rewind button like streaming movies. We all need a way to back up and do it over. We need a way to reset the score. WHAT?! You did not know? or You were not brave enough to say it? Well Kido's in the cold morning light let me tell you we all keep score, men and women... we just keep it differently. Men are so fast to give themselves BIG points for doing nothing..really they do. He gets up to goes to work, he gets GREAT bonus points.... Ladies get up tend to the kids all day, and get 1 point, and in turn ladies give him 1 point. So by the end of the day he is way up on points and feels fine vegging out in front of the technological device to give us time to "catch up". Wrong, yeah I know, and ya know what I agree it is wrong, but is that the way it is? OH yeah!
So... where does after 8 am find me? Tired but not sleepy, looking at a long day but not daunted. As 8 rounds the corner to 9 am I am just sitting still and trying to remember to breathe.
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