get down off that cross....

"use the wood, build a bridge and get over it!"
 Great advice for most things I would think. I hope that in the past 14yrs, the ones I slept through, I was not the person that whined and blamed everything that went wrong on the past. 
 I know that my childhood was not all roses and rainbows. Dad loved the woods and hunting I think more than anything else. I don't think I was abused as a child but I have been told that I am not like my parents in the way I have always corrected my kids. I have been told that I have never hit them, never spanked them. I know growing up that Mom and Dad used spanking with us, I hated that belt! I swore if I ever had babies I would not hurt them, I guess I kept that promise to myself. Jay tells me I did not yell or use emotional abuse either I was calm and the super mom of all mothers. Go Me!
 I know growing up being the middle child I was the scape-goat and I know that I pulled a lot of it to me since I felt like that was my place, Daddy could get mad at me or Mom and I could handle it so. I know that Daddy got hrs called to him when I was young, around 13 I guess, and I got blamed. They made Dad leave and all I heard was that it was my fault. I know that I have struggled with an eating disorder since then. I wanted to die I think and at 13 I knew I hated Daddy's guns with a passion so that was not an option, so instead I starved myself. I went from 140lbs to 80 within 3 months. Mom's reaction was she will eat when she is hungry, I don't get hungry, I type that but let me explain, I do not get hungry like the normal person gets hungry. My stomach does not start cramping up and I never get food related headaches. Even to this day I have to remind myself to eat because *shrugs* my body does not tell me it is time to eat like the average person's would and does.
 I have this horrible guilt that Dad left because of ME, but then I would what could I have do that was THAT bad? So bad that the police showed up and made my father leave.... at 13 I was still a little girl.... *shakes head* 
 I guess I am going over all the things that I do remember to may sure that I can hold on to them. I know this is useless but I can't seem to help myself. I remember that my Grandfather was the LOVE of my life and that I adored him. He was what a man should be when I was growing up. He is long since passed but I can't bare to ask when it happened or how. 
 I got a shock today, I visited my grandmother and came home to cry. When did she get so old? God why can't I remember?! Also saw Mom and Dad, they got a new trailer about 7 years ago so it was interesting to see it all again for the first time, as it were. I also SAW really SAW my mother, that made me cry too. She looks so demoralized and dejected. I wonder when did this happen....
Saw my brother too and when he hugged me I lost it almost because when I went to bed that night he was an 18 year old boy, the man I saw before me was mind-blowing.
 Jay took the kids to the church fall festival so I have also found that unless Jay is home I can't sleep. I think it may be a subconscious fear thing, a I don't want to sleep and wake up terrified and alone.
 Depression is setting in and I am fighting it tooth and nail. I know it will pass soon but right now I seem to be blinded by the question: If this is my life now, if I can't remember all the things that were the dearest and most fulfilling then what kind of life is this? I am not sure I have the strength to start over but I am sure I will find it, I have to since the only other option is suicide, and that is NOT the way out. That would be admitting that I could not handle this, but I know I am stronger than that. I know that I am love by many and that so many are pulling for me. 
 Get down off that cross, use the wood, build a bridge and GET OVER IT! I am off my cross and I have it in pieces on the floor, soon OH so SOON I will find the strength within me to build that bridge and get over this to start over, even if I have to do it with out the last 14 years of my life....