Thursday, October 20, 2011

Down the rabbit hole with no White Rabbit Guide

Down the rabbit hole and a white rabbit in a waist coat was her guide, "we're late, we're late for a very important date" the White Rabbit says to Alice.
 What if ..... she fell down this hole with no white rabbit guide? What if... she was just walking around one day, a normal just like any other day, and she just fell down a hole, not having chased the rabbit to it?
 That brings me to how I feel today, I feel like I was going along my merry way and fell. I get to my feet, and shakily look around to find that I am alone and there is no one to guide me. No one that knows the lay of the land and how things are, should be, and will be. No one that can offer sage advice to give me a new outlook. 
 I am better since the trip to the emergency room, my chest still hurts but not to the point of screaming out and crying. I am still tired since I have not rested well in a few nights but *sad smile* that is better than it was. 
 Jay got a rude wake up call, and tho I am happy that he now sees the light, I am also so very, very, very angry that it took a stranger for him to HEAR what I have been saying for months. He did a call for a retired dr. and this man told my beloved husband that a HUGE part of my problem is stress.. ya think? This angel of a man told my  darling husband if he ever wanted me to have half the life I had before FM that he (Jay) would need to take some of my stress or from them sounds of it I was headed for a nervous breakdown.
 These are all things I have been saying for months but according to Jay I could not put it in terms he really really understood... I am thinking that it was just the fact he had to hear it from an outsider to believe that his wife is really sick and that it is chronic, there for can't be fixed with just a nap. 
 I am coming at acceptance I find, slowly but surely. I know that, as I have known for months now, I need to make life-style changes. Every time I try it goes great for a week or so then it all goes back to as it was. Jay's fix was do less for the church. I only go Wednesday nights, and I am kid free them since they have teachers that are not me long as no one gets sick, Sunday mornings, which I teach Sunday school but that is for only an hour, (which I will be giving up come January because my one year term is done, plus, frankly so am I), and Thursday nights is band practice for the kids which means I do nothing for an hour but sit and listen. How can I do less when I love doing these things? When these things are the only part of my life that really make me happy and stress free? This is one of those things that I will walk by faith in and if God really wants me to back away from some of the things I do then he will knock me to my knees. 
 So other than feeling like I have been hit by a truck, I am ok, I hurt but I have learned to deal with a good deal of pain. I know that I need to make some positive changes and I will, that is my game plan for as soon as I get back on my feet. I know that I am not alone, tho I do not have a guide, this is not a lost land where I can find no one to hold my hand. I know that I am loved by many, and that is a great feeling. 
 Alice had a guide, as it were, in Wonderland, the White Rabbit, but the question I find myself asking today is: How much stronger would she have been if she had not had one? Would the end of the story have been different if she had to figure it out all on her own? 
~Till next time.

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