So, over the last week I have had to do some thinking, I have gotten annoyed over several things, and I stopped to ask myself: What is it that pisses me off?, and Why it is that I get pissed when I am a very easy going person.
I have come to the conculusion that anything that makes out like it is questioning my decision, what ever decision that may be, pisses me off, I get angry when I am patronized, as if I am not an intelligent adult. Now the why....
This was a hard one, I don't get angry often but when I do it seems there is NO BUILD to it, I go from happy go lucky to I will kill you with a spork if you say one more word about it. I take the time for every decision to stop and think on it. I see both sides, I weigh the pros and the cons, I always make the best decision I can given the information I have.
I have made some new decisions with the children this year as far as the school thing goes and I hate to feel like I have made a wrong decision when I know that it is the best for my family even if it is the hardest thing to do. I tried the whole jump through a thousand hoops for 2 years but I am done with that, and honestly thank god!
After this last week with several people question my ability to school the kids I have gotten angry, I am hoping it is just because I have been sick and they will see soon that I am doing what I need to do.
Now the ER, the first doctor really pissed me off and made me feel stupid. I get it, I really do, I look at best 16, get me sick and crying then I may look 14 at best but I have read EVERYTHING ever printed on fibromyalgia and I knew Tuesday that it was not just my FM but the doctor would not listen. I will admit I do not know everything, I called my regular doctor and he said to try and follow the emergency room doctor's advice and come see him *the regular one* if it was not better. They went to medical school they took years of training, so I tried it that way. I could not go to my normal doctor because we could not afford it. By Sunday tho things were much worse and I could not take any more. I have read time and time again that FM people have a low tolerance for pain, this may be true for some people but not me, I have an extremely high tolerance, so if I am crying because I hurt then you can assume the worse.
The kids are another point, I love my kids to death, would die for them if I had to but, they are driving me insane! I am with them all the time, and any one that says it is not hard work should try homeschooling for a couple months. Jami is now old enough to argue with me, we butt head often, Jess and Jonah seem content to bug each other but I often have to play the referee. I type this but I also feel guilty as hell because I honestly feel this way. I wonder when do I get a break when do I get to think of me? How sick must I become to be allowed to stop for a little while? Please god don't show me!
I am sure this will get better but there are things that make me so angry. This is part of being human, but not one of the best parts for sure.