Thursday, October 27, 2011

Retrograde Amnesia.....and Ok...

"Retrograde (in which events preceding the trauma or disease are forgotten). It can often be traced to a severe emotional shock, in which case personal memories (in effect, identity) rather than such abilities as language skills are affected. Such amnesia seems to represent an escape from disturbing memories and is thus an example of repression; these memories can generally be recovered through psychotherapy or after the amnesic state has ended. Amnesia may occasionally last for weeks, months, or even years, a condition known as fugue. The course of the amnesia is variable depending upon the cause of the memory problem. it may take weeks, months, or years for recovery to occur. In some instances, the amnesia never goes away."

This is what I KNOW.. about the form of amnesia in a nutshell. I was struggling with the WHY, alot, still am but this answered one of my big questions. Why would I lose the biggest part of what makes me WHO I am, or was at least before the onset, this is why. This form take identity memories so it makes more sense now why I would lose that part I think. I have repeatedly ask everyone close to me what happen, what was such an emotional shock that I would run. The answer thus far is "you were very sick and under a lot of stress". Otherwise, no one close to me has died, at least not that any one has informed me of. I have not lost a limb, or such, no major accidents. It is just odd. 
 After waking again this morning early, I am still not used to the bedroom, I have learned that this may get better in a while but then again it may not ever. I would love to say let's make a game plan but I am lost still. Jay says start over but I don't know how. I guess I am still in the coping stage. 

 And OK.... I have found over the last couple days that I get overwhelmed, and when I get to much sensory input all at one time I have gone to the word "OK" as a catch all. I am sick of saying OK, I am honestly sick of saying "I don't know"..... I think OK is the only thing that can be said tho when someone is saying something I should remember but I don't because there is no other word, or expression. It has to be OK or I just look at them with a blank expression and my sister in law told  me that when I do that it is scary for them. So OK it is.... but OK it really is NOT. I am praying it will be soon. 
 I am wondering how I will deal with social things. My Father took my kids to church last night and Jami came home excited about a Fall Festival she wants to go to Saturday. Jay said he will take them but I don't think I can go, maybe Saturday will be better but I just don't think I can deal with a ton of strangers... I know that I have been told I have known these people for YEARS (Amanda said I have been a member of this church for 3 years or more now) but I do not know them. I am still struggling with the WHO I am right now....
 This is a scary time for me, I know that I am not alone and THANK GOD!, but that does not make the terror less I wish it did. 
 So here goes the first Day of Jay not being here *He had to work*. I guess this is my trial by fire, wish I was not scared of the heat....

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