Friday, October 28, 2011

Day 3 in my new life....

Day 3 is here, in what I can only call my new life. I have tried to think of other terms but none want to work for how I feel. 
 I have been dealing with a lot of new things, new to me since I don't remember them from before. I am still trying to just go hour by hour. Everyone said go day by day but I am not to that point yet, it is best to just go from one hour to the next as I am still taking it all in. 
 Yesterday Jay left me to go to work and for me it was the first time I have been without my stability, he has been with me since I woke up. I felt abandonment as I can't remember (ha ha) having ever felt before. I am sure he has done this same routine more times than we can count but all I can say is it was a hard day. Today was somewhat better, I did not cry when he left but I am still feeling lost without him. My Mother in Law tells me that she picks up my children every Friday afternoon so this afternoon will be the first time I will be totally alone in the house since I woke up, I am okay with that it will give me quiet time to think.  
 I am on the road to recovery at least. I did not wake up with a headache, and I have been told the chest issue will get better with in the next couple weeks, right now I am just keeping the pain at bay enough to breathe without hurting. I have also been catching glimmers, or vague impressions of things that I know but don't know if that makes sense..... example... yesterday someone was talking to me and it was a drone on and on about something dealing with them, I guess I used to listen to that a lot and was more ... I don't know.. supportive, or sympathetic or something, but after a few minutes I finally just said "ya know Sticking Feathers Up Your Butt Does Not Make You A Chicken". This comes from what Jay tells me was my favorite of all time movie, I wish I could remember. I watched part of the movie last night before exhaustion over took me and I knew what some of the actors were going to say before they said it but *shakes head* I can't tell you how I knew other than to say it really must have been a favorite movie of mine since I have it memorized. Go Figure! I can't remember my children but I can remember a stupid, screwed up movie...
 This has been for me a total brain job honestly, I seem to find a new hurtle around every corner but I am sure it will get better. 
 I talked to Paul last night and for me it was just strange. This poor man sounded so ... devastated honestly. My heart goes out to him. He explained a tattoo I have, it is a tiny infinity symbol on my right wrist, he said he has one too. He must have been an important part of my life, it is breaking my heart that I can't remember. At least with Angel I remember her, of course it was the 15yrs ago her but I KNOW her. With Paul I have nothing but a blank. I can't even begin to know how I would feel if Angel woke one morning and did not know who I was, I would be devastated. Wow, what a mind fuck that must have been for him. To get a phone call from a shared friend "by the way Joni does not know you or anything from the last 15 years". *shakes head* He said he had to talk to me tho, even tho I don't remember him, just so he could hear my voice and know that I was still in the world. I can understand that.
 A new thing is everyone is telling me I sound different. Not so different that I am not me but different enough that they can tell. On one hand that is odd but on the other it makes sense because I have lost a lot of years and I am sure I have lost a lot of changes that were made in those years. 
 So here we go hour by hour, and soon day by day. I am praying for my memories to come back, and if that is not in the plan then I am praying that I can start over with the least amount of pain.

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