Friday, October 28, 2011

Somethings I am struggling with...

This one may make NO SENSE I accept that but...

I seem to do Okay for a while after I get up but by lunch time I am finding myself overwhelmed again, and I FUCKING hate it. 
 I have read and heard so much about myself in the last few days none of it is familiar. Even things here on this blog that I know I wrote.... there is just nothing.
 I was supermom even sick, the best sister and daughter, extremely active in church and a teacher there. I was the support for so many family by blood and choice. I helped them overcome so much in the last years so I must have been an awesome friend too.
 I wish I knew, who held my hand? I wish I could remember, who kept me safe? I wish I knew who I was for crying out loud! I wish I did not feel like my life is falling apart. Like I went to bed and the real ME never got up, she is still sleeping and maybe that is better if she had known what was coming she would have gone insane for I am barely hanging on to my sanity. 
 I know that this one is the pain and exhaustion talking. I know that it will get better soon. I keep praying when I lay down to go to sleep that I will wake up and this will be a nightmare to be forgotten, thus far *shakes head* it has not happened.
 As if losing the last almost 15yrs was not enough, I am also terrified to go anywhere. I was going to run to the store just to get out but we have a MINI VAN! WTF? I am not sure I can drive it tho Jay and the mother in law said I was fine with it. Also Jay tells me that the local stores here I go to often and know everyone, what's worse they KNOW ME by first name basis....I am not ready to speak to anyone face to face that to me would be a stranger. At just the thought it is enough to cause a panic attack. I know that I will  have to go out soon I can't hide in the house forever but I am not ready.
 I wish I knew what to do... I am so lost, and that is sad. I want to scream but I know it would not do any good... I think I will just go take a nap instead... things will not always look as dark *sigh*

1 comment:

  1. It is perfectly understandable to feel that way honey. It is a lot to process.

    Yes, you now drive a mini van, not that you ever looked forward to it, but you have a large family to cart around so you got used to it lol.

    Your friends ( mostly me, Paul and Adam *Perth* ) were the ones you vented to and who was there for you when you needed us.

    I know it is all strange and scary, but please know you are loved and are not alone!

    I love you mostest <3