Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Lost my mind...

Wow, what a week, most of which I do not remember.
 Let me get this out and see if it makes more sense in type than in my head.

Let me start at what is the beginning for me.  I woke up at 4am on 10/25 and did not know where I was. I knew my husband but not the room I was in or the house. I did not know my children. I was very confused and terrified. Went to the doctor, she did blood work and suggested to give it a couple of days. Woke up this morning with the worlds worse migraine headache, so bad in fact it acted exactly like a stroke, we went to the Er. The Dr there did several  test, cat-scan was one of them, I have a brain! and more importantly it is normal, with no tumors, not a stroke hence a migraine that was so intense that it acting like a stroke. He also said I have retrograde amnesia, the outlook being my memory may come back in full, in pieces, or not at all. 
 I have read my archive I know that I have been to the Er in the last week 2 times, that I have pleurisy, and fibromyalgia.   I know that earlier this month I had the flu. I know my best friend and sister of the heart Angel, I know Jr, another bestfriend. I know my sisters and brother, I remember my mom and dad. I do not however remember my children or the nieces or nephews that I have, I do not remember Emmett getting married or that Amanda and Jr are married and share 3 kids between them. I do not remember Tammie having a son and daughter. I do not remember having 3 kids myself. I do not remember coming back to Quincy or quitting work. I do not remember ALOT!
 I have been told about much but it is still not sparking my brain to remember. I have read and been told that I was a member in a local church and taught Sunday School. I have been told I homeschooled my kids and did not work for that reason. From what I have read and after talking to a few people this was my life, my church my children.  I spend all day yesterday and most of today in a living hell, this is my own personal hell I promise you. I have spend a lot of time thinking and trying to figure it out but getting nowhere fast. I feel lost honestly, like I went to bed and lost me. I feel scared, to be an adult and to be terrified is something you can't even imagine. I am told I went to bed normal and I think the real me, just never woke up. I have lost almost 15 years in one night.
 I wonder if I will ever get it back. I wonder if I will ever remember the babies that I have been told I loved more than my own life. I wonder if I will ever remember the adults that love me. I wonder if I will remember the church family I had and have been told love and miss me. I wonder if I have indeed gone crazy. I wonder if I will always be this terrified, although I know the answer is no, I will adapt. I wonder if I will ever find/fill this missing gap that I have in my head. I wonder....

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