Wednesday, December 21, 2011

In Between

Wednesday finds me caught up in between. I am in between alot of things today. I have been plagued by cramps in my feet and calves since 2 yesterday afternoon through the night, which is just weird since I never get muscle cramps like this. Add to that a fever that is just a little over normal. Think my body is reminding me that a break is needed.
 I am in between needing to go to the store to knock out the rest of the shopping and the not want to go because I have run so much in the last week. I am in between house work, the never ending chores. 
 I am between feelings, and that in and of itself is strange. I was angry last night with justification but today finds me more melancholy. I think I am trying to hard and I am killing myself to be something I am not. I am not who I was and I don't know at this point exactly who I am. 
 I am sad and angry, or somewhere in between. I am in between tired and don't give a rat's ass. (I know not the best mental picture but fitting for my mood today.) I am in between scared and focused, not a good place for me to be. I hate being scared and have been that WAY to much over the last 2 months. I would rather be focused but today it seems everything is just blurry.  I want to scream it all out but find myself just breathing and walking away. 
 I woke to expectations of what I did and what they want me to do. That makes me angry since (A.) I did to much for everyone else, and yeah that sound selfish, I accept that but, I never did stop to think of ME or put me first and no one else did either. (B.) I should not be the fall to when they are adults and can fix it themselves damn it.  (C.) After yesterday I got a really good dose of reality on how they act when I have been the stable one and I will not put myself through that again....'course I say that here but I know in my heart I will try every single time, the only thing I will for sure change is the way they talk to me, the about of BS I will put up with about me has become zero. (I can criticize myself way better than them and it is my opinion I have to be happy with at the end of the day.) 
 I worry that I have become callous. I will spit out what ever it is that needs to be said, I try to couch my words when needed but in all honesty,... I deal with "adults" and the fact that I must say anything at all is fucked up. I gathered that before October I was the easy going nice never let you know you are the reason your a fucked up person but now........I am not her, *sigh*.  I tried to be who I was and just go with it but I can't and I am exhausted living up to other's expectations. I am still trying to nail down my own. I feel like I am whining a lot but since I only do it here and never out loud so be it. Only a select few read my words and they accept me for who I am even when I don't know who I am. I am in between the lies that I have told to myself, and the promises I have made to everyone else. 
 I almost want to apologize, which makes little sense to me since I can only do as I have been and that is the best I can. I am still winging it and that bothers me. I had hoped that by now I would be more centered and indeed I have come a LONG way, but I still see more of this road to travel. I have to wonder what was normal? and will it ever get back to a normal for me, or will I stay caught up in between? 

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