Thursday, December 15, 2011

Just Wait Thursday Turned into Just Act...

So when I got the call this morning that Mom was in the hospital, I was told to just wait.... so, I took a deep breath and waited. I was proud of myself, I held back till 3 pm. Then Jay called and said he would be home soon, then T called crying because Mom was crying and the nurses or dr was not listening to them. That made me want to JUST ACT.  So I made plans to go to the hospital, Daddy showed up got annoyed that I did not want him to come with me. Now that is not to be taken the wrong way, I wanted Daddy to go and I would LOVE to take him but I was looking at it like this... (and right or wrong this is how I based my decision) A.) I was fighting traffic going and coming, B.) he would get there want to stay 5 minutes then want to come home and I wanted to stay for a while to make sure she is/was/and is going to be ok. So when I told Dad this he got huffy and left, I am sorry that it had to be that way but I did not know where I was going and was stressed enough as it was, I told him I would give him gas money he could take himself. *rolls eyes and shakes head*
 I love my sister to death, she is one of the best things in my life but in my opinion she is not assertive enough when she needs to be. I on the other hand can be assertive in a polite way and still have done what I need and want to have done.  Pain management is a BIG issue for me and for mom, hell for any one with FM and that is something that if you don't have a knowledgeable dr, or you don't have it yourself, you can know but not really KNOW how bad it can be. 
 Ok, so got there fine the traffic was not to bad going. Sat with Mom for a couple hours made sure she had everything she needs and wants, left #'s she can call me if she want/needs. As I left I found the head nurse and had a very nice polite but firm conversation that she needs to be better managed and attended to, the head nurse did not know she was having a FM flare but said she would call the dr and get something on board ASAP! I know I look every bit of a teenager but I can be scary adult when I have to be, especially if I have to come to be an advocate for a loved one! I smile, thank her and head home. On the way home traffic is a NIGHTMARE! I will get to that in a moment but 20 minutes into my drive T called me to tell me they had come in and given Mom something for pain and to help her sleep so all is well that ends well with that I guess. I have to go back to the hospital tomorrow because Mom wants me there I am praying I can sleep tonight.
 Now traffic... Oh My God! I want a tag on the back of my big ass minivan that reads "if you are going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair" these tiny freaking cars zoom right under my tail end and  you can't see them in the freaking rear view mirror, or the side mirrors because they are tiny. All I got was the glow of the head lights at my back windshield. I got lost in Tallahassee, made a wrong turn coming home, thank god I saw my mistake and could go down a block and double back but here is the thing: I have have have to have my glasses to read with but can't drive with them at night because of the glare... hence the wrong freaking turn. 
  I spent today with a kind of terror that had to be brought out in the light and be exorcised to be lifted. I was honestly scared that T would have a decision to make, make the wrong one, never ask for my input, just come home, pat me on the head and say "this is what I have done." Shakes head, was scary for me honestly because I don't think she would make the wrong decision but I don't think she should make any major decision on our parents alone. Yes that sounds/reads bad, but I don't care, this is how I feel. Could she do a good job with the decision? Yes she probably could. But if I was not involved in it I would be so hurt. That really bothered me today so on the way home I laid that out for T and told her that I should be involved on all decisions... She seemed relieved...Which I have to say puzzled me. Was I not the kind of person before October that helped with our parents? I would never ever make any decisions on Daddy by myself, I would ask the other 3, even tho I have power of attorney, I would ask because I would not want to decide alone. Why would T feel like she had to carry any of the burden of Mom alone? Yeah, yeah I know I am thinking to much again and this is exhaustion talking, I get it...
 Ohhhhhh Kay... I think that sums up my day. I am achey now and so tired that I am honestly have to work hard to get the words down straight. I am just praying at this point I don't have to many errors, but even if I do I needed to get this all out. Here's to a Blow me Down Friday, may it come softly with swift silent feet. 

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