Sunday, December 4, 2011

Sunday Draws To A Close

Sunday night finds me 4lbs lighter than I was earlier this week due to that weird 24 hr sickness I had. I did make it to the library yesterday, did the grocery shopping, helped Jay clean the yard, and moved my pond to reset it up. Jay had cleaned off most of my patio and when I saw the pond I ask about it. I love the idea of a pond and I will be putting some more effort into it soon. 
 I pretty much did nothing today. I have played my game online with Jay some and read my book. I found myself bored and wanting *for lack of a better term* tonight so I decided I would post a new update. I have found if I don't do one at least once a day I feel odd, since this is a form of therapy for me. I also took the time to look back over how far I have come since Oct. 25th. I am not really amazed persay, since I never saw myself as weak, but it is amazing to see the changes in myself. I am able to cope better now with most things that come up. I don't lose it at lunch time every day anymore. I am still tired and frustrated at night especially if it has been a long hard day with the kids. Jay and I seem more at odds right now but I am not sure what to make of that. 
 He tells me I have no compassion any more. I have to ask "As Opposed To What?" In his mind he is comparing me to the woman that I was, but *shrugs* that is not who I am now. On the sad side of that coin I am not even sure I ever want to go back to that woman either. I get the feeling that she was so cowed, and just so beaten she had forgotten how to stand up for herself. I know that she had accepted her life as it was and felt there was no changing it. I can tell you right now that I not how I feel. At first it was odd seeing me in the third person but now it is more just sad, I mourn the Joni that went to sleep and did not wake up. I wonder if she would have made the same mistakes I have made over the last few weeks, although I know she would have floated along on a calm cloud where nothing bothered her, where nothing was said that would inflict anger, and she never would have raised her voice to get an opinion heard. I feel sad for her, and in an odd way it is so very heart breaking. 
 So I am not who I was, and I may not ever be again. I do not view this as a problem any more for it is not all bad, it is just different.  I can't make the world all roses and rainbows for everyone any more but I refuse to ever borrow a cloud from some else. 
 So I do not have the compassion that I used to.. I have to ask "And?" If it is towards my children I am compassionate enough, and I love them with all that is in me. If it is towards Jay, he is a grown man, get over it, I am not his mother. Same goes for any adult in my life. I can not and will no longer be the calm center of the world that is run to when your world is falling apart. That being said: I want my loved ones to come to me with problems, I will listen and support them, but come to me with eyes wide open because if you are the reason your world is falling apart I will tell you even if I have to scream. I will no longer be emotional catch all for everyone I love. That part of me went to sleep, she did not wake up, and she may never wake up. The world is not full of hugs, and "oh baby it will be ok, it is not your fault", the world hands you the truth and how you deal with it is all on you. 
 That sounds really mean, but all things taken in, it really is not mean it is honest. I can only be honest now. I have very little compassion, I accept that now it is time for others to accept that as well. I have very little sympathy, that goes with out saying .... I almost want to say sorry but I am not sorry one bit... This is how it is, and all the hoping, praying, crying, begging, whatever will not change it. This is my out look, if it offends then *shrugs* you should not have ask the question of me to begin with. 
 Nothing set me off on this rant, I just realized tonight that I was and am exhausted trying to live up to expectations of the person that I was, when to me she was never there. I have no memory of her. I have the memory of my childhood, dating my husband, getting married and NOW. I see the me in the third person as a ghost, a phantom that needs to simply have a light shined on it to make it disappear. I mourn for her because she is not here, but I do not miss her since I did not know her. I can only deal with the facts that I know, I can only change the things in my world that can be changed and I can only be who I am right now. I will not apologize for this since it was not my doing, I will no longer run myself into the ground trying to be some one I am not. That is how I feel, sad or weird as that reads, I am not her, I am me. I do not know if she could not handle this as it is, or if this is God knocking me to my knees. I am still learning and no one ever said learning would be easy. Anything worth having is worth the work. Thus ends my rant for the night ..... sweet dreams. 

"It's no good. I have been trying to sleep for the last half-hour, and I can't. Writing here is a sort of drug. It's the only thing I look forward to. This afternoon I read what I wrote... And it seemed vivid. I know it seems vivid because my imagination fills in all the bits another person wouldn't understand. I mean, it's vanity. But it seems a sort of magic... And I just can't live in this present. I would go mad if I did."
                                                               -John Fowles
                                                                  The Collector  

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