Friday, November 25, 2011

I'm Pissed!

So, first the first time since I woke up Jay and I are arguing and I am PISSED!
 Let's start at the start. Yesterday was a great day, being with my family was so nice. Everyone has gotten older and it was great to see all the babies. We had one family member that was out of sorts but they tell me that is normal for this person so I let that one go.  We had more food than we could eat and we all ate more than we should. 
 Today was oh so nice! We got Jami the DSi she has been begging for and her Granny got her make-up. The make-up was not a big hit but ummmmmm... I let that go since she is a teenager. Barbara (the mother in law) came and took Jami to lunch, then she took all 3 kids to her house for a while. Jay and I went shopping with no fuss. We had a great day, that is until we got home....
 We have chickens that are pets, well in the process of raising these birds one was a rooster and he had gotten mean. He would always attack me or Jonah. Well, today the bird went after Jonah and knocked him down, busted his lip and scared the living hell out of me and the poor kid. Jay, being a man, decided that was the end of the bird... Fine, I get that totally, I understand that completely. What I do not get is why he did it the way he did, and I am angry.
  Jay first chased the poor rooster around the yard instead of getting a gun and shooting the damn thing. When I yelled at him (not meanly just because Jay was in the back of the yard) to "be done with it, stop tormenting the fucking bird or to let me do it," Jay then decided to get the rifle... better idea, much faster, but it took Jay 4 shots... WTF?!?!?!? then he had to come get another clip for the  gun. I could have and would have done it in one with out involving the kids ... bam done over with. I proceeded to tell Jay this,(at this point I was calm until) he told me to "shut up" and that I was about fucking useless..... .....
     Not sure how the OLD me would have reacted but the new me took a deep breathe and went the hell off on him. "NO! I will not Shut UP! I am not one of the children, and I am not useless... and bury the fucking bird then do not talk to me any more." (still not yelling yet) 
 "YOU are so full of the ideas you dig the fucking hole!" Jay said.
Wrong thing to say....
 "If I had made the Fucking MESS I would deal with it, but since I did not, I am not, and I will NOT eat the fucking thing... What part, really, honestly, of do not speak with me again did you not fucking understand? Must I pull out every word in the dictionary for shut up for you to get not to speak to me?" 
"Yes, if that would make you feel better besides I would not make you eat it. Do I look like the Big Hunter?" 
(If he had just hush I would have let it go but oh no so... *Deep Breathe* and now I am yelling)  "If you were any type of fucking hunter or marksman at all it would not have taken you 4 fucking shots and then some. Please for the love of God, and anything you hold holy SHUT THE FUCK UP!" 
 I am not sure if he was just shocked that I finally lost it to yell or if he finally got the point to shush but he left to take care of my rooster and I am still mad at him. Not at what he did, but the way he did it and the way he treated me, as tho I am a child and can't handle or make decisions....I am reeling. This is the first fight we have gotten in and I refuse to back down. We are at ground zero and I am shaking my head. 
 He comes in, plops down at his pc, headphones on so that he can ignore me and the kids. Plus he left me with the job of telling Jami, and it is her birthday. I swear he could screw up a wet dream. I feel so bad for Jami. I am not bringing the fight to in front of the kids but I am not talking to Jay either. At this point I am just in shock I think. I want Jay to apologize for the way he talked and treated me, the callous way I was dismissed, but in the same breathe if he speaks to me right at this moment I will probably leave. Silence is best right now for sure. 

***In reflection, I know now why I am so upset, and I am not sure if it is part of things I can't remember or what but.... When Jay decided to tell me I was "fucking useless" and to shut up, he took the same stance, and tone inflection that he uses with the children. I am so taken aback and just appalled. I am 33 and so far beyond being a child until sometimes I scare myself.  But for him to bow up at me like he does when he is correcting one of the children is not acceptable, and not something I am willing or able to put up with. I don't know if I just accepted it before but I find that I can't today. Jay told me we never really fought we would go "are you done?" and the one that felt the least strongly would let it go. I am not at a place where I can ask him if he is done.. because frankly I don't care if he is or not. He was wrong.... Yes, I could have handled it a bit differently but I refuse to be cowed down to him just because he puffs out his chest and acts intimidating .. sorry but screw that I am not scare of him... *shrugs* maybe I am wrong tonight I just don't know.

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