Friday, November 25, 2011

Round 2

So we took a couple of hours and chilled out. 
 I very calmly ask him if he was going to ignore me all night. He took off his head phones and said no, so we started talking. He insisted it was all my fault .... when I went to rebuff that he then attempted to put his head phones back on and return to his computer .... 
 I just as calmly reached over and unplugged the modem... and wanted patiently for his streaming song to shut down with the internet off. 
 Fast forward some. We talked and we both agreed we handled things wrong. He feels like I am a stranger to him in some ways now. I understand that because I feel the same way, kind of. It is like I am living in a stranger's life, that in all honesty this is not my life, just the one I woke up to. 
 I thought he was being inhuman with the rooster but what I did not know is that chickens don't know right away that they should lay down even tho they are dead. 
 I am not making excuses, for him or myself. I have no illusions that this will be, has been easy. I know that this is going to take work and I told him this. I understand that my family has had to accept alot in the last month. Jay ask me if I could for one second look at it from someone else's point of view... Yes I can, and I am. But I had to ask him if he could see it from my side... I wake up with a man that is my husband but not the one I KNOW, and with 3 kids that I know accept but don't have the same relationship with as before. I have accepted all this with little to no kicking and screaming. If I have despaired it has been in private. All the fights Jay and I had before, he says I would go "Ok, Asshole, come talk to me when you are less buttheaded" but today I could not and did not do that, he showed aggressiveness and I fought back.... A first for me according to him. I have no sage words here for this, I can't change what has happened to me I can only deal with it as the situations come up ... I can't live up to his expectations when I have no idea what he expects from me.
 He tells me I am not the mother I used to be... well, ok I accept that because I am not the woman I once was. With keeping in the spirit of being honest with him and myself, I do not think I ever want to be the mother or the woman I was. I do not want things to go back to the way there were before. There must have been something back there that was so wrong, in all senses of the word wrong, that my mind had to run from it. I don't want to go back and find it I really don't. What is the saying? "Let sleeping dogs lay"... That is what I shall do I will allow that sleeping dog to simply sleep. If we as "we" can't handle this as it is with all the ups and downs then we don't need to be "we"... Love me, need me, want me, all those great things but RESPECT me too... *shrugs* not always nice but that is the way it has to be.
 So we end tonight on a tired sad note, but it is not the end of the world and tomorrow will shine bright and clear. 

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