Saturday, November 26, 2011

Just Blah...

Today finds me just blah. I am tired, the weather is dreary and I hurt from bottom to top. I don't feel like doing anything today but sitting and crying, I am so very blue.
 Though I accept what happen last night with as much or as little grace as possible I am still saddened that it had to be the way it was. I am blue that Jay and I had a fall out, still reeling since I am not sure we have spanned the gulf we made yesterday. Yes we are talking but I am more talking at him than to him. Yes that is probably wrong but much as I did not go to bed angry with him last night, his easy dismissal of me and retarded jokes this morning have annoyed me anew.  Plus add insult to injury he went to my mother and sisters for support... what the hell? That is so wrong on so many levels. The fact that they did support him and did not call to check on me HURTS! I am angry at my mother, which is not new. By the time Jay and I had finished our outside argument I was screaming at him, screaming so loudly *tho I am not proud to admit it, I lost it totally yesterday, after trying so flipping hard not to* I have a sore throat today. Mom and Dad heard us and Mom simply told Jay "you have to love her". Again What The Hell?! I would be all over Jami's husband's ass and then I would be supporting and comforting Jami. I truly come from a screwed up family. It is days like late yesterday and today that I really feel alone. It is days like today that I can completely understand why I went to sleep and never woke the same. It is days like today that I almost wish I could go to sleep and really not wake up. I hope the sun comes out soon.
 The fog did not just roll in last night it slammed into me with a quick vengeance. Under the best of terms I hate feeling foggy but when it creeps in I can handle it much better, but when it just hits all of the sudden, like last night I really feel like I am going insane. 
 Jay told me today to stop trying to fix everything, and I noticed at that point, that was exactly what I was doing, trying to fix it all. I agree with Jay that I should stop and I will because at this point I can't be anyone's savior. Hell I can't even think straight enough to fix myself. 
 I have also found, and this is not new, not really, I love things about my life DEARLY, but then I hate some things with a passion. Hate as in seeing red and screaming hate. Hate as in I could rip the head off of the loved one that insist on speaking. Hate as in all the way to the core of me HATE! I refuse to let it eat me up inside, I am not the person, now at least, that will let it slide or blow it off, I am more often than not going to blow up, even if I do it calmly, you will hear how I feel and what I think, like it or not. I am not sure this is a good side to me, it is probably a really ugly side but, I also found that I do not care... If it takes making a point with brutal force to make everyone see I am not a doormat to be stepped on or a child to be pushed around... then I am fine with that...
 So I am not the person I used to be, I am a stranger in my own life. That also makes me sad. Sad for me since this is the life I must lead. Sad for the poor woman that is still sleeping or went away. Sad for my family that I was not strong enough to handle it all and stay. It... is ... just... sad.
 Today I will, I must, just rest and I am going to try oh so hard not to think at all... for today I am just so blah.

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