Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Roll On Tuesday

Tuesday is here...
I have nothing I want to do today and very very little I have to do today. I have a couple new books to read from the library that are calling my name, and I have planned to play my game today. 
I spoke to a friend last night, a friend that knows me from before October, we had planned to get together tomorrow but I begged off till after the new year. I am just so hectic paced right now that I can't think of seeing any friends right now. It seems it is all I can do to deal with my family. I am hoping by the turn of the year I will have this more down pat. 
 I have a turkey in the fridge thawing out so that I can bake it early Thursday morning for Thanksgiving. I also have the stuff to do the dressing and brown rice. T is doing the ham and pies. I am looking forward to eating that is for sure.  Jami's birthday is Friday and I am trying to juggle getting her present around Thanksgiving. She will officially be a teenager but she has been acting like one for forever now.  
 I went all spastic last night. A friend said to get a beer, not to get drunk but to relax. I have not done that yet so maybe this weekend I will. Jay informed me last night if I did not find a way to lower my stress I was going to "fucking die".... Gee he was a lot of help. It feels almost as if I am struggling up hill with him and the kids. I have been trying to lower my stress but getting no where fast and I am out of ideas on what I can do. He came in last night and my headphones went on. I felt better after a hot bath and 2 hours of music. 
 Jay seems irritated about my weight loss, I don't know what to say to him about that. I did not do it on purpose... I am eating too so it is not as tho I am trying to lose any more. I just don't know what he expects from me. I am almost to the point of giving up. Right now I am trying so hard to ONLY be me and there is no way I can meet, or even vaguely accept, others expectations of what I should be. I am still trying, also it would seem, to hide my ugly side. I would hate for the people that are closest to me to see how bad it can really be. I am struggling with rebellion, I know what they want me to do and I am trying to do it, but in my heart I want to scream, cry, break things or people, I want to say just back the Hell off of me. I want to grow horns and be the lady in red with a whole new meaning to that phrase. Instead what do I do? *Smiles* I put a game face on and a smile. I hide it and move on. Right now it is time to take it slow and figure it all out. 
 I am going slow because I know that soon, as soon as I can, I will have the lay of this land down pat, I will have it all figured out and then I will be allowed to show all my sides weather they are easy going or ugly as Medusa ... 
Let's ROLL ON Tuesday!

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