Wednesday, November 2, 2011

The end of day 8...

I was not feeling it at 6:30am and I am still not feeling it at 6:30pm today.
 I wonder when the day will come that I don't get a shock. I know that at some point in time I will find out all there is to know about this life that I have woke up to, at this point I am just praying that this day comes fast!
 I wanted to cook dinner tonight, really cook, since I have yet to do that. I made plans and then I get company.
  I got to meet my brother's oldest son Gabriel today. He is so cute! and so full of questions "Aunt Jo-jo why you got sick? Aunt Jo you still love me? Aunt Jo where is Jay?" I am a wreck. I really wonder what I will have to do to get the people in my family to LISTEN to the words that I use.. as in "No company please, and please keep the children away for a little while.."  So I put on my best game face. They left and I come in to cook. That was another mistake I guess.... I could not find anything, Jami, my beloved scatter brained child was very little help. 
 So I muddled through re-fried rice, and when Jay gets in I will do the sausage for us. I am just sitting now and trying not to break down in tears again. 
 We started school again Monday and for the last 3 days it has been going Okay I guess. I do wonder how I did this every day and did not go totally freaking insane. I know that I love these children very much but I am drained in every aspect of that word. Mentally I am exhausted, physically I am in agony if I am awake, I can take pain pills but they make me want to just sleep, emotionally I am just overwhelmed. I wish I had the words to explain in all the details the way this feels and is, the words to convey that it is a nightmare of the waking kind. I have gotten to where I do not cry in front of the children but found that I NEED to cry, which makes it interesting since I am always with the children. I guess that proves I really did not have a life away from them, and I don't know if that is an awesome thing or a really freaking pathetic thing.
 *shakes head* at least I remember how to cook, the rice turned out GREAT and the sausage is doing it's thing now. I think I am going to get a really good dinner in me, take something for pain and find my bed. At least there is relief in sleep.

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