Sunday afternoon finds me tired, in a bone weary, mentally lost kinda of way, but not in a depressed way. I mean sure I am blue somewhat but not down.
I did what I needed to do with my Father this afternoon and learned more about myself in the process of spending time with my Dad. From what I have gathered and been told, if it needed to be done with him or for him I did it. I have found his living will on my computer which was shocking. He went over it with me today, and this did not feel like new territory, I had the sense of dejavu. None of what he wants or what he said shocked me not really. He told me he expects that I will have to make most of the decisions. On the one hand I accept that on the other it makes me angry as well. I have a LIVING Mother, and God willing she will stay with me for a long time. When I ask about that Daddy simply said "She would not do it as I want it done and I know you will".... Now I ask you what can you say to that? I have long been the ring leader for my family and it seems that I will again be so in this. Although that reads really egotistical, it is not. I will involve my siblings and we will all make the decisions, but from what I was told today, Daddy does not think they will be much help. Plus, sad as this reads I know that, in my heart, from what I have seen in the last month, this is the cold hard, mean, unflinching truth.
It was different today seeing family that I don't know, since I would not know them even before last month. Nice for a change to not have to explain or struggle for answers. I had a nice time, considering the somber occasion we were at.
I found in myself today something that I think I have been looking for since shortly after I woke up on October 25th.... HOPE! You can't know how dark it was until you see the light at the end. You can't explain how much of a struggle it is or was until you are past the worst of it. I will not say that it is all easy now because it is not. There are still up and downs. There are still days that just suck to hell and back. I have found that the dark days are coming less often, Thank God! I have found that I am more up now than down, Thank God. I have found that within myself the confidence to now say I can do this, even when my heart is going I don't want to do this anymore. Today is not so bad, not as bad as I was expecting at least, and that is something to smile about.